I have never...

[Typhoon1244]

In using the autopilot/FMS, I have never...

...forgotten to set the MDA in the altitude alerter before reaching the FAF, then wondered why the h___ this thing isn't descending when I tell it to!

...programmed a direct fix into the FMS, then forgotten to couple the autopilot to the FMS, then wondered why the h___ this thing isn't going where I want it to!

...tried to intercept a back-course in "APPR" mode instead of "B/C," then wondered why the h___ this thing is turning to track outbound on the localizer instead of in!

...failed to have charts handy, and had to ask Memphis Center, "what the h___ is the identifier for the Lexington VORTAC? H - Y - K? Well of course it is! I should have been able to figure that out!"

 

[MetroSheriff]

I'm never, and I repeat NEVER, ever goin' flyin with any a y'all crazy sumb1tches, again.


ROFLMAO


For my good friend that I just know has been waiting for this one:

I have never sat in a trance and waited for the "Too Low Flaps" warning to remind my Captain that flaps were not yet at 45.

 

[FL000]

I've never leveled off with the spoilers extended and sat in wonder at the amount of juice it's taking to keep this mother in the air.

Likewise, I've never seen the "spoilers extended" caution on final while at the same time wondering why it's taking so much juice to keep this mother on the glideslope.

 

[Jeff G]

Speaking of torturing flight attendants...

One thing that's great about regional flying is that it's a lot of fun to have only one flight attendant working the flight. Especially a new one. Read: gullible.

I have never sent a flight attendant up and down the aisle, sweeping an airsickness bag through the air, in order to collect an "air sample" for later analysis. The more pax the better.

I have never used the FMS scratch pad for malicious purposes. Such as putting her name (it had to be a "her") in the scratch pad followed by "--call sched" to make her think that a junior man event was forthcoming.

I've also never called her up to the cabin to point out a "fault message" on the scratch pad, such as "TP -- LOW". Then explained that we get that all the time, and she ought to go back and jiggle the toilet paper roll to make the message go away. Once she actually had to replace the roll first.

I've never explained that the gear was stuck in the uplocks on a ferry flight (no pax for this one), and she ought to go back to row 7 and jump up and down to extend the gear. The gear always worked after that for some reason.

But, I'm a nice guy and would never do any of these.

 

[Cornelius]

I never participated in telling the FA that she should check the AOA vane to make sure it is pointing down before she shuts the door. We never told her that it is a mach tuck indicator and if it isn't pointing down, the EMB-120 will do cartwheels after takeoff. So before she shut the door, she would say "Captain, the mach tuck indicator looks good, can i shut the door?"

 

[AutoTransfer]

I've never entered my void time into the transponder

I've never called the airport in sight when I wasn't absolutely sure.

I've never flown into a cloud on a VFR flight.

I've never banked more than 30 degrees with passengers onboard.

I've never, ever bounced on landing.

Oh, yeah, and I've never lied before.

Great Post guys. A lotta fun.

 

[Typhoon1244]

For my good friend that I just know has been waiting for this one: I have never sat in a trance and waited for the "Too Low Flaps" warning to remind my Captain that flaps were not yet at 45.

Holy God, I'm sure glad I've never done that!

(Is "oh sh_t, Flaps forty-five, check below" a standard call?)

And because I'm so perfect, I've also never--

--forgotten what ATIS I just listened to when calling approach...

--forgotten what flight I was flying during a P.A. announcement...

--forgotten my F/O's name in the middle of a trip...

--announced to the passengers what time we'd be landing in Memphis...when we were in fact going to Nashville...

--guessed wrong about the gender of an air traffic controller.

 

[achick]

I have never had sex with a pilot and would NEVER consider doing so. However, after this post I am thinking about never flying again.

 

[Buckatuna]

Great Post

Just to add a little military flavor to a great thread.

I've NEVER done any of the following

- I've never boltered

- I've never failed to have ordnance come off my jet due to a switch I forgot to hit

- I've never broken off a refueling probe in-flight

- I've never said "Tally, your left 3 o'clock"

- I've never pressed the target to get a better hit

- I've never asked Tower to get the truck off the runway during an actual Tacan app (and it was a parallel taxiway- went MA x 2 because of that pesky truck)

- I've never, while tanking, put a Playboy centerfold on top of my HUD, opened up facing the boom operator, so he wouldn't "help" me tank

- I've never jettisoned my bombs someplace in Serbia because of 2 SA3s were coming my way

- I've never jettisoned my 2 drop tanks into the water, when I thought I was pickling my hung bombs (skipper still doesn't like 'him')

- I've never had a student do an approach turn stall at the 90

- I've never have flown supersonic over a populated area, and destroyed all the windows at a car dealership

- After Center asked my student "Are you proceeding direct Yuma", I've never said "He thinks so.."

- I've never turned on my fuel dump (so the FAC could see me) and then never turned it off. Rut Ro

- I've never been Tanker Bingo and was vectored to a tanker with a boom vice a basket

- I've never ejected off a low-level navigation flight due to a bird strike in my left intake

- I've never did a section go, fought two 2v2 engagements with F16s, then realize my seeker head cover was still on my practice sindwinder missle. (That's the cover that has the big red 'remove before flight' on it)

- I've never pulled out of the basket of a KC-10, and instead of retracting my refueling probe, my gear started to extend (gear speed 250, tanking speed 285)

- I've never tried to join up with a star (at night without goggles)

It's amazing how many 'friends' I have out there that have done goofy things!!??

 

[ILLINI]

When I was an instructor I NEVER told new students that they had to test the pitot tube by blowing into it. Absolutely hilarious to see your student with their lips wrapped around the pitot tube!

Hey we have to have fun sometimes too ya know!



Oh, and yes the pitot heat had not been on. I'm not that big of an A-hole!