Please Help- problem with morning shows!

[Smacktard]

[FONT=&quot]Greetings all, I've been flying part 121 for several years now and I'd like to think that I'm becoming accustomed to the schedules and other hardships that come along with this job. However, quite recently I began experiencing a problem with my early morning shows that, in all honesty, have left me bewildered to say the least. You see, I’ve been doing early morning shows for the past 3 months now and about halfway through the 1st bid I started experiencing what can best be described as the "morning poo syndrome." (For the uninitiated, the morning poo’s occur at the same time everyday in a clockwork-like manner.) My problem arises in that at 4am the last thing I want to do (besides wake up) is take10 extra minutes to squeeze out a steamer. At first I thought that this was nothing more than a sporadic and peculiar occurrence but have since thought otherwise. In fact, I now have to wake up 10 minutes earlier every morning just to drop my monkey bomb. Let it be noted that while my girlfriend can take a dump in a mere 30 seconds I need a whole 10- 15 minutes to comfortably evacuate fecal matter. While the regularity of certain things in ones life my provide comfort in an otherwise fickle world, this is starting to wear thin on my already early mornings. My call goes out to anyone who has experienced the habitual experience of the morning poo’s and defeated it. [/FONT]

Damn, thank you for this breath of fresh air. Great thread!

 

[Max Q]

Am I the only person that read the last few sentences as:

"While the regularity of certain things in ones life my provide comfort in an otherwise fecal world, this is starting to wear thin on my already early mornings. My call goes out to anyone who has experienced the habitual experience of the morning poo’s and defecated it."



-Brett

 

[007]

You will be a full fledged regional pilot when you can not chit all day and only feel slight discomfort, kinda like the jumpseat on an RJ. Its the chit camel syndrome. When you get to the hotel room, its like a pavlovian thing, I can't walk through though the room door without almost krapping my drawers. You will be there someday grasshopper.
PBR

OMG....so totally true.

 

[M-crit]

Oh, and one more thing: You must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.

 

[DoinTime]

I'm going to go the other way and say you need something to make you irregular. Try a brick of cheese before you go to bed at night. That will stop you up for at least 18 hours.

 

[acaTerry]

bump bump

 

[WalterSobchak]

bump bump

I was thinking more along the lines of "plop, plop"...

 

[CFI2766]

Yes, I am an adult now, and yes, poop jokes still make me laugh my a$$ off.

Now, my practical suggestion would be to not eat close to bed-time. Wake up hungry if necessary, but then have a big breakfast at the hotel buffet. Using this method, I have deferred the most important of the 'S' tasks until after the first leg of the day.

However, at all costs, do not eat just before bed, have a large buffet breakfast, and then have a cup of coffee for the van ride to the airport. It ain't no fun to have to squeeeeeze a turtle-head all the way from KMYR to KATL, especially with strong headwinds. And a non-functional synchro-phaser. Trust me on this.

 

[Cpt Oveur]

If you didn't put the hot sauce and cheese on those eggs, it won't be such a problem!

 

[acaTerry]

Yes, I am an adult now, and yes, poop jokes still make me laugh my a$$ off.

Now, my practical suggestion would be to not eat close to bed-time. Wake up hungry if necessary, but then have a big breakfast at the hotel buffet. Using this method, I have deferred the most important of the 'S' tasks until after the first leg of the day.

However, at all costs, do not eat just before bed, have a large buffet breakfast, and then have a cup of coffee for the van ride to the airport. It ain't no fun to have to squeeeeeze a turtle-head all the way from KMYR to KATL, especially with strong headwinds. And a non-functional synchro-phaser. Trust me on this.

But then you have to use those nasty airport bathrooms with shoeprints on the seat, rip curl at the edge, and peyoss all over the floor in front so you get peyoss on your pants when you lower them for the good ole bomb run.
Not to mention the TP tube which has been romoved from the holder so you get the germs of a thousand arses on you when you begin the cleanup.
Bwahgh! I still think my previous post had the best method.
Drink a Guinness the night before, right before bedtime. :beer: You'll wake up and within 10 minutes you'll be on the seat :0 , just relax it'll leap out . Geez, it'll throw itself at the water and you'll even have to shake and break it because it will be like a big clay snake. Fast finish and minimal wipeup too. You'll feel like a new man . It's been working for me since 1998.


That or the cheese idea from DoinTime.

 

[CFIcare]

I think its called "the rapture". I feel all anew after! Controlling ones tater, it is a command thing.
PBR

Born again power dumpers! Awesome!!

Here's a recipe for anal afterburner:

1. jug of unfiltered, unpasteurized, slightly fermented apple cider. Chug it.
2. any variety of bean burrito with the hottest sauce available. Corn/raisins are optional if you need more buckshot.
3. seatbelt/bowl-mounted handles


Wait about 15 minutes for the methane, alcohol, sugar and sulfites to reach critical mixture.

Light off will be spontaneous and continuous. Clear the area of non-essential personnel and pets. Apologize to the toilet when you're done.

 

[acaTerry]

Born again power dumpers! Awesome!!

Here's a recipe for anal afterburner:

1. jug of unfiltered, unpasteurized, slightly fermented apple cider. Chug it.
2. any variety of bean burrito with the hottest sauce available. Corn/raisins are optional if you need more buckshot.
3. seatbelt/bowl-mounted handles


Wait about 15 minutes for the methane, alcohol, sugar and sulfites to reach critical mixture.

Light off will be spontaneous and continuous. Clear the area of non-essential personnel and pets. Apologize to the toilet when you're done.

You must have not paid too much attn during HAZMAT. 4. Fire Extinguisher. 5. Desitin for soothing the smoking cornhole.

 

[CFIcare]

You must have not paid too much attn during HAZMAT. 4. Fire Extinguisher. 5. Desitin for soothing the smoking cornhole.

I always learned more about how to START fires than extinguish them in HAZMAT.

p.s. jello pudding pops work better than Desitin.:nuts:

 

[Godfather]

A song for your poo....

Prune Juice (to the tune of Wild Thing)

Prune Juice...
You make my bowels loose
You make everything OOOOOZZZEEEE
Prune Juice...

Prune Juice....I think I love ya
but I want to know for sure....
Let my crap stink
and Brown Monkey sink.....Ohhh

Prune Juice........


Seth MacFarlane from Family Guy needs to see this thread and make an episode with Quagmire having an early wake up call by the Morning Poo.......

giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-poo!!!!!

 

[JumpersAway]

What's the point in trying to mold a bronze before duty in. You ought to wait until you are on company time to drop a deuce. For added affect, one should wait until critical mass before leaving the flight deck to mosey to the turder in the back of the aircraft. The greatest asthetic pleaser for the pax is the hurried walk, while breathing lemans, all while donning a sweated brow. Don't forget the USA today under the left arm. Also, it is perfectly permissible to smog them on the way back to the lav with fart for a primer. Oh, and just to drive the point home, tuck the toilet paper roll into the back of one's pants and make for the cockpit. The folks will enjoy your experience......

 

[Godfather]

Aw man.....I'll be right back

The turtle is peeping it's head out again.....

 

[PBRstreetgang]

Raw onions, fill your burger/burrito to the limit, hit it with habenero based hotsauce. Add coleslaw, and pork and beans for consistency, corn on the cob for tracers. Stand back and collect some ice for your tater, cause the eruption will be something to behold! You will wanna bronze that baby!
PBR
Caution NEVER, repeat NEVER, use the above with cheap chinese(MSG) airport food, the batter eruption is uncontrollable and will spatter everything within an arms reach, including your junk(backsplash), wiping off said junk is messy and embarrassing to boot!

 

[Raskal]

whether it helps or not, I'm in for the guiness method...it couldn't hurt.

 

[WalterSobchak]

What's the point in trying to mold a bronze before duty in. You ought to wait until you are on company time to drop a deuce. For added affect, one should wait until critical mass before leaving the flight deck to mosey to the turder in the back of the aircraft. The greatest asthetic pleaser for the pax is the hurried walk, while breathing lemans, all while donning a sweated brow. Don't forget the USA today under the left arm. Also, it is perfectly permissible to smog them on the way back to the lav with fart for a primer. Oh, and just to drive the point home, tuck the toilet paper roll into the back of one's pants and make for the cockpit. The folks will enjoy your experience......

This...reminded me of this...

HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom

 

[Uncle Bunkle]

I'd rather poo in the airport than poo in the woods. After kicking aside some dirt to make a small hole, you drop a stinky on the ground, then look around for a few leaves to wipe with. And why is it that when you poo outside it smells god-awful? Does the water in the bowl actually mask the smell that much? Every time I've pinched a loaf outside the smell was horrific. It does make a funny sound though, when it hits the ground...so at least you have that going for you...