I have never...

[HappyFlying]

I have never filed a flight plan for a B100 stating it was a C150/U.

I have never asked for FL60 to go eat pancakes in my daisy clippin' Cessna.

I have never dipped into the boss's beer stash while washing the airplane.

I have never asked the captain to pull my finger inflight.

I have never fed the boss's wife's dog SlimJims.

 

[414Flyer]

I have never flown IFR direct with a handheld GPS as a sole source.

I have also never taken off IFR before that GPS acquired its position, cause the owner of the plane and the GPS sitting next to me told me it would probably get it as soon as we were in the air, and really had not dialed in any other navaids.

I have also never taken off into a 200ft overcast, with a private pilot sitting at the controls, and me as the IFR right seat dummy, and then had to come back in because of lines of thunderstorms, and the private pilot trying to fly it and screwing up the approaches.

I have never taken off, then did the weight and balance in the air, to make sure I was legal for that takeoff.

I have never pulled the power in the flare, while flying a Seneca encased in ice, and had the plane dive for the runway.

I have also never gotten so much ice on a plane that I was getting scared and considering diverting and or declaring an emergency.

I have never flown thru canyons in northwest Texas, while as a student pilot on cross counties, and taken pictures too while doing it.

I have never flown a cloud seeding mission, then while reloading the flares to take right back off again, forgot to count how many flares I actually used. You WxMod types will understand that one.

I have never taken girls along on volcano tour flights, hoping to get some later. And unfortunately I didnt succeed either.

I have never brought magazines on a freight flight, and proceeding to spend most of the legs reading while on autopilot.

I have also never while coming into land in a C-172, with tower telling me direct to the numbers because of a B737 coming and to report 2 mile final, getting fixated on landing and getting out of its way, that I forget to report 2 mile final and hence no landing clearance yet, and then had tower ask what my current position was, and my reply was that I was Exiting runway on golf. Tower said "uhhh okay".

 

[Typhoon1244]

I have never taken off, then did the weight and balance in the air, to make sure I was legal for that takeoff.

Ever take off, then had the folks on the ground tell you, "oh yeah, we added ten bags to the cargo...?" That never happened to me. In Memphis.

I have never taken girls along on volcano tour flights, hoping to get some later. And unfortunately I didnt succeed either.

Nice try, but bad tactics. How could you hope to impress them after they've seen a volcano?

 

[EagleRJ]

I have never:

-gotten bored during cruise at FL370, dialed up 121.9 on the COMM2, said "Ground Control, Cessna 123BS at the general aviation ramp, taxi for a north departure with the information", then listened to the squeal as a dozen different towers respond.

-failed an engine on a multi-engine student, and have him shut down our remaining good engine. "know what you're logging now, Jimmy?"... "What?"... "glider time"... "DOH!"

-slowed to approach speed on an eight mile final per the company manual, while a newbie FO at JFK, requiring a British Airways 747 to do S-turns behind me.

 

[StaySeated]

Thank god for this post, I was losing my mind reading all of the RJDC nonsense....

I have never selected the APU off and then quickly back on with the master switch while the other crew member was outside ready to take a picture of the giant fireball that results. (This really wasn't me but the story makes me laugh)

I have never powered over the chalks at four in the morning in MQT in December. (Oh yeah, wasn't me either)

I have never made the first turnoff on 7R in MKE in a 1900, and then drank for free the next night cause the FO couldn't do the same thing on the next leg back into MKE. (For the record, none of this was done by me, I swear, who would do such things.)

I have never told the FA ten minutes after taking off from YYZ that the lake she asked about out the window was Lake Michigan, that we were twenty minutes out from MKE and she needed to hurry and finish cabin service. Ten minutes later she calls winded and proud she finshed everything including the fricking chocolate chip cookies. I say great, we ding her two minutes later indicating we are configuring for landing and then fly for another hour and a fifteen minutes.

I have never leaned back to get a better angle on the fuel gauages in the 1900 only to adjust the manifest so we would be under gross. Parrallax, you know?

 

[Typhoon1244]

I have never made the first turnoff on 7R in MKE in a 1900...

I've never done the same thing on 35L in DFW in a Brasilia. (Empty aircraft, Christmas morning...so I'm told.)

 

[chperplt]

I have never leaned back to get a better angle on the fuel gauages in the 1900 only to adjust the manifest so we would be under gross. Parrallax, you know?

I've NEVER, I repeat NEVER done that.... about 10 times.

 

[Skyliner]

I have never touched down in the grass short of the threshold trying to do a real-short short-field landing.

I have never asked for a landing clearance from the tower, then not having received one, done the touch and go anyway, and when the tower asked on climbout "45X, did you say something?" respond, "Uh, nevermind."

I have never flown up the Hudson River Corridor in a twin.

I have never tried to pace a J-41 on takeoff because tower sent me around so they could takeoff.

I have never woken sleeping flight students in the back of the airplane by introducing their face to the ceiling of the passenger compartment.

I've never stomped on the rudder, let the plane roll to 60 degrees, and yelled "OH MY GOD!" with a student in the plane.

I have never tried to retract the gear with the emergency extension valve open, and sat there wondering, "Why the heck won't the gear come up?"

I have never decided that AOPA legal services plan was a good idea after making a rather low pass over a rather large open air assembly of persons.

I've never applied opposite rudder and forward pressure and had the plane keep spinning. Scared the &#$# out of the pilot, though.

I've never had to jump someone driving a lawnmower across a grass runway.

I've never jumped off the front of the wing with the prop still spinning to close an open oil door on the cowl (Real smart...).

I have never mumbled a readback because I couldn't remember what ATC had told me to do.

I have never told Clearance Delivery, "Yeah, we've got information...uh, well, whatever the letter is, we've got it."

I have never fired a paintball gun out of a Cessna.

I have never fast-filed a flight plan to Indianapolis by memory ("I think it was Victor-50...") only to discover the airway I filed goes to Cincinnatti.
Clearance Delivery: "75Y cleared to Indy via...(long pause)...Direct."

 

[Typhoon1244]

I have never mumbled a readback because I couldn't remember what ATC had told me to do.

Just say "roger."

 

[HexWRX]

Heh, I've only got 9 hours and I've mumbled readbacks before...But the embarassing part was what I did afterward on the landing!

Like the last time I flew (Friday) The ATC gave me some serious information overload, and being the ADD case that I am, I was listening for the important stuff like heading, altitude, traffic, and sequence, so my readback was like this "Cessna xxxx, Maintain VFR approach heading 280, descent to 2,500feet, 3 mile left downwind 12L, behind Piper xxxx, Traffic in sight mumble mumble mumble..."

Yep, I dunno if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I have gotten the hang of ATC, and can handle pretty much anything they've thrown at me thusfar... My instructor was pretty impressed with my ability to communicate and comply with ATC that day. (he said if ATC gave me too much to handle I could just say unable, student pilot, and ask for an easier approach, but I said I had it - to this day once I've never said student pilot on the radio)

so I got in the pattern, and came in for landing...(my 15th landing to date) it was my first smooth, good landing.. a few feet left of the center line, but I touched down like a pro.. softly landing my rear, main wheels, then lowered my nosewheel gently)... I was so amazed, I actually forgot to pull the power back for a few seconds and my instructor scolded me and took over)


I was so embarassed.... yikes!

The only other real bonehead move I did was when I had cessna traffic, same altitude, 3'o clock, and atc said piper traffic, 1 o'clock (they arent always dead accurate, at 3,000 on approach ,opposite heading).. I said traffic in sight, not realizing it was cessna and not piper, and wasnt flying the opposite way)...my instructor got on and said "Cessna xxx, and we do not have traffic in sight) and ATC told us to change heading and descent


Both those happened on the same day, And I was feeling pretty down on myself, but my CFI said It was nothing to worry about, just learn from..and that he'd seen way people do way worse than me, and those people now had licenses)

 

[Chunk]

Hex....

Don't you mean...You didn't do those things?


As for me, I have never, as a student pilot, made right traffic to Hill AFB thinking it was OGD, while talking to OGD tower..."Cessna 757PW, report position....7PW is abeam the tower, midfield......(hearing yelling in the background) 7PW be advised, that's Hill AFB!

I guess the 16's below me wasn't clue enough....nor the runway configuration....


Chunk

PS--Hex, Don't sweat it man, expect to make mistakes....that's how to learn!

 

[Flynfish]

I have never been flying along in a 1900, in cruise, and had the Capt. suddenly turn and ask me if I smelled smoke, only to take a huge whiff and get two nostrals full of the worse smelling methane gas ever produced.

 

[achick]

Typhoon 1244----


You know I was being sarcastic. Pilots are fun!

 

[Typhoon1244]

Typhoon 1244...you know I was being sarcastic. Pilots are fun!

Hmm. I've never heard that before...

 

[F.Gump]

Ive never noticed at 200 agl that the student had the mags of a C152 set to L or R and not BOTH.

Since it didnt happen, I never wouldve used the phrase "it climbed like a rocket ship when we got them both on".

Heh Heh Heh

 

[C/L Max]

...accidentally tripped the Left Main Start circuit breaker while fumbling for my approach plate...at night...IMC, extinguishing my EFIS and all cockpit lighting, and killing the autopilot.

...mistaken Wright-Patterson for Dayton.

...talked to the flight attendant through the intercom and the passengers through the PA, simulataneously, about how horrible the weather in MDW was.

...hollered "JESUS! MAX POWER!" when someone flushed the toilet in a Saab.

...asked my FO "Was that a runway?" while taxiing.

...asked my FO "Where the hell am I going?" while taxiing.

...asked my FO "Where the hell are you going?" while he's flying.

...asked my FO "Where the hell am I going?" while I'm flying.

...asked the FO "Who the hell are you?" after I hopped into the wrong airplane.

..told my FO "you didn't see that."

...filled out a NASA report in flight.

...back-dated a NASA report.

...called in-range over Center freq.

...called Center on Company freq.

...called for catering on ARINC.

...caused a passenger to scream in terror, in flight.

...knocked both the cockpit and cabin fire extinguishers from their brackets while landing in a Jetstream in Milwaukee.

...set off the GPWS trying to recover from a high approach.

...set off the Config warning when setting landing flaps, because I forgot to put the gear down.

...set off the Config warning because I forgot to push the condition levers all the way forward.

...bugged the wrong speed on takeoff.

...been lost.

...been confused.

 

[Typhoon1244]

I have never...set off the Config warning because I forgot to push the condition levers all the way forward...

Would you believe the Brasilia doesn't give you a takeoff "CONFIG" warning if the condition levers aren't up? The only warning you get is this insane muffled leaf-blower sound from the props...

...at least, that's what I was told.

Speaking of NASA reports I've never filed...

I've never crossed a point at FL240 that I was cleared to cross at 11,000. (I imagine the controller couldn't remember whether he'd given us the restriction or not...)

I've never heard a F/O promise that he removed all the gear pins...only to have the nose gear stay down after takeoff.

I've never been accidentally given a climb and a turn that were intended for another aircraft...and gotten a really good look at the belly of an American MD-83.

I've never tried to show my new wife a snap roll in a 152, only to screw it up so badly that it turned into an erratic split-S...at dusk, yet...and heard her shout "wow, that was amazing! Can you do it again?"

I've never been late to the airport because the flight attendant slept through her wakeup call. Twice.

I've never forgotten my F/O's name in the middle of a conversation. (People can tell when you're looking at their I.D. badges, I've discovered.)

 

[FlyboyPhil]

Gotta add a few..

I've never

...practiced unusual attitude recoveries while doing paperwork in a non-autopilot aircraft in IMC.

... followed the wrong airway 8 miles from the VOR and made a huge course correction.

... added a little power in the flare to give the gear time to come down

.... left half my cargo sitting on a cart just outside the office door and flown across the state.

... left the master on and begged a loaner battery.

... left the landing gear down on a 6 month 135 check and wondered why I was so slow in cruise.

... moved the fuel selector valve to off instead of moving the heater control in a seneca.

... had the flaps stuck at 15 and moved them to 30 to see if that would unfreeze em.. and flown 30 miles back to the field stuck at flaps 30.

... used power settings higher than the company settings.

... discussed the sexual deviance of the chief pilot on company freq.. while he was listening...

Thats enough for one day.. gotta get another username so I can cut the jail time down if they catch me...

 

[Typhoon1244]

I have never... moved the fuel selector valve to off instead of moving the heater control in a Seneca.

Did you stay warm?

 

[uavchaser]

I've defintely never...

...taken off with the oil cap off

...read magazines in formation flight and lost sight of the other aircraft

...asked approach for a "transponder check" to find out where the position of the aircraft I lost

...done hammerhead turns in a 206

...done 60 banks in slow flight 500 AGL in a 206

...flown under 15' powerlines on a dry lake

...dropped various objects to hit abandoned trailers or porta-potties

...had a metal lapboard hit me in the head in severe turbulence

...put in the altitude in the VSI window of the altitude preselect

...had my girlfriend perform "services" in night IMC

...flown though the stream of fuel being dumped from an aircraft i was chasing

...taken off with full up trim...numerous times

...taken off with the speed brakes on

...told my girlfriend what i was going to do with her when we got home on ground frequency

...grabbed a pitot tube right after turning the heat off resulting in severe burns and many obscenities

...stained my sandels and feet red with hydrolic fluid leaking under the rudder pedals

...7 hours thirty minutes bottle to throttle

...done a jump start from a motorcycle

enjoy