I have never...

[Typhoon1244]

In using the autopilot/FMS, I have never...

...forgotten to set the MDA in the altitude alerter before reaching the FAF, then wondered why the h___ this thing isn't descending when I tell it to!

...programmed a direct fix into the FMS, then forgotten to couple the autopilot to the FMS, then wondered why the h___ this thing isn't going where I want it to!

...tried to intercept a back-course in "APPR" mode instead of "B/C," then wondered why the h___ this thing is turning to track outbound on the localizer instead of in!

...failed to have charts handy, and had to ask Memphis Center, "what the h___ is the identifier for the Lexington VORTAC? H - Y - K? Well of course it is! I should have been able to figure that out!"

 

[MetroSheriff]

I'm never, and I repeat NEVER, ever goin' flyin with any a y'all crazy sumb1tches, again.


ROFLMAO


For my good friend that I just know has been waiting for this one:

I have never sat in a trance and waited for the "Too Low Flaps" warning to remind my Captain that flaps were not yet at 45.

 

[FL000]

I've never leveled off with the spoilers extended and sat in wonder at the amount of juice it's taking to keep this mother in the air.

Likewise, I've never seen the "spoilers extended" caution on final while at the same time wondering why it's taking so much juice to keep this mother on the glideslope.

 

[Jeff G]

Speaking of torturing flight attendants...

One thing that's great about regional flying is that it's a lot of fun to have only one flight attendant working the flight. Especially a new one. Read: gullible.

I have never sent a flight attendant up and down the aisle, sweeping an airsickness bag through the air, in order to collect an "air sample" for later analysis. The more pax the better.

I have never used the FMS scratch pad for malicious purposes. Such as putting her name (it had to be a "her") in the scratch pad followed by "--call sched" to make her think that a junior man event was forthcoming.

I've also never called her up to the cabin to point out a "fault message" on the scratch pad, such as "TP -- LOW". Then explained that we get that all the time, and she ought to go back and jiggle the toilet paper roll to make the message go away. Once she actually had to replace the roll first.

I've never explained that the gear was stuck in the uplocks on a ferry flight (no pax for this one), and she ought to go back to row 7 and jump up and down to extend the gear. The gear always worked after that for some reason.

But, I'm a nice guy and would never do any of these.

 

[Cornelius]

I never participated in telling the FA that she should check the AOA vane to make sure it is pointing down before she shuts the door. We never told her that it is a mach tuck indicator and if it isn't pointing down, the EMB-120 will do cartwheels after takeoff. So before she shut the door, she would say "Captain, the mach tuck indicator looks good, can i shut the door?"

 

[AutoTransfer]

I've never entered my void time into the transponder

I've never called the airport in sight when I wasn't absolutely sure.

I've never flown into a cloud on a VFR flight.

I've never banked more than 30 degrees with passengers onboard.

I've never, ever bounced on landing.

Oh, yeah, and I've never lied before.

Great Post guys. A lotta fun.

 

[Typhoon1244]

For my good friend that I just know has been waiting for this one: I have never sat in a trance and waited for the "Too Low Flaps" warning to remind my Captain that flaps were not yet at 45.

Holy God, I'm sure glad I've never done that!

(Is "oh sh_t, Flaps forty-five, check below" a standard call?)

And because I'm so perfect, I've also never--

--forgotten what ATIS I just listened to when calling approach...

--forgotten what flight I was flying during a P.A. announcement...

--forgotten my F/O's name in the middle of a trip...

--announced to the passengers what time we'd be landing in Memphis...when we were in fact going to Nashville...

--guessed wrong about the gender of an air traffic controller.

 

[achick]

I have never had sex with a pilot and would NEVER consider doing so. However, after this post I am thinking about never flying again.

 

[Buckatuna]

Great Post

Just to add a little military flavor to a great thread.

I've NEVER done any of the following

- I've never boltered

- I've never failed to have ordnance come off my jet due to a switch I forgot to hit

- I've never broken off a refueling probe in-flight

- I've never said "Tally, your left 3 o'clock"

- I've never pressed the target to get a better hit

- I've never asked Tower to get the truck off the runway during an actual Tacan app (and it was a parallel taxiway- went MA x 2 because of that pesky truck)

- I've never, while tanking, put a Playboy centerfold on top of my HUD, opened up facing the boom operator, so he wouldn't "help" me tank

- I've never jettisoned my bombs someplace in Serbia because of 2 SA3s were coming my way

- I've never jettisoned my 2 drop tanks into the water, when I thought I was pickling my hung bombs (skipper still doesn't like 'him')

- I've never had a student do an approach turn stall at the 90

- I've never have flown supersonic over a populated area, and destroyed all the windows at a car dealership

- After Center asked my student "Are you proceeding direct Yuma", I've never said "He thinks so.."

- I've never turned on my fuel dump (so the FAC could see me) and then never turned it off. Rut Ro

- I've never been Tanker Bingo and was vectored to a tanker with a boom vice a basket

- I've never ejected off a low-level navigation flight due to a bird strike in my left intake

- I've never did a section go, fought two 2v2 engagements with F16s, then realize my seeker head cover was still on my practice sindwinder missle. (That's the cover that has the big red 'remove before flight' on it)

- I've never pulled out of the basket of a KC-10, and instead of retracting my refueling probe, my gear started to extend (gear speed 250, tanking speed 285)

- I've never tried to join up with a star (at night without goggles)

It's amazing how many 'friends' I have out there that have done goofy things!!??

 

[ILLINI]

When I was an instructor I NEVER told new students that they had to test the pitot tube by blowing into it. Absolutely hilarious to see your student with their lips wrapped around the pitot tube!

Hey we have to have fun sometimes too ya know!



Oh, and yes the pitot heat had not been on. I'm not that big of an A-hole!

 

[Typhoon1244]

Originally posted by ILLINI
When I was an instructor I NEVER told new students that they had to test the pitot tube by blowing into it. Absolutely hilarious to see your student with their lips wrapped around the pitot tube!

I hope the pitot heat had been off for a while. OUCH!

My wife just reminded me that, as a new first officer, I never accidently broke a static wick off a Brasilia while explaining to her what it was. ("Whoops! Hey ops, send maintenance out here. This plane's missing a static wick.")

 

[dav8or]

I have never used my company call sign when flying Cessna

I have never given the entire pax briefing to center

I have never landed the EMB145 on a 5000' runway with 50 pax and only use 3000'

I have never asked the cute sounding ramp controler at CYUL to say something in french for us.

I have never pressed the fire test button in flight while the captain is resting.

 

[Birddog]

It seems that many of you have never done a lot of the same things that I have never done. A few more though...

... I have never used the GPWS test function to wake the captain up

...I never violate sterile cockpit

... I never forget my customs notification when going to Canada (pt 91)

... I have never put my bags in the wrong aircraft, preflighted it, and then left them there when I went over to the correct aircraft.

... I have never forgotten to turn off the yaw damp and then wondered why the plane was so hard to taxi.

... I have never "accidentally" pulled the power levers into reverse in order to give the offending ramper a "blow job".

 

[Typhoon1244]

I have never had sex with a pilot and would NEVER consider doing so.

Your loss...

That reminds me, my wife never said that flying in a Brasilia is a great aphrodisiac. (Something to do with the vibration...probably should have named our son "Hamilton Standard.")

 

[Traumahawk]

I've never spun a Piper Tomahawk.
And I sure didn't 'never do that' with 2 planes on each side filming the whole thing. I didn't want proof when people told me I was full of it.

Then again, I NEVER had an "idiot/I'm gonna go try and see how close I can come to ending up a smoking hole" phase....even if it was....er.....wasn't only a couple of actions.

I've never turned a 'preselected' field into my own airport.

Never flew my Commercial Long solo XC in formation to a flight of 2 landing.

Geeze, it's a good thing we're all perfect.

T-hawk

 

[Starcheck]

While jumpseating on a major cargo carrier, I never woke the 3 man crew up by slamming the cockpit door as I backed out.

I never forgot to retract the flaps on a touch&go.

I never retracted the flaps all the way on a touch&go.

I never heard a charter lear respond to Chicago center clearing them "direct Arapahoe". With, "say indentifier". I never heard the Center controllers response of, "Delta, Echo, Sierre, Tango, India, November, Alpha, Tango, India, Oscar, November".

 

[MetroSheriff]

While jumpseating on a major cargo carrier, I never woke the
I never heard a charter lear respond to Chicago center clearing them "direct Arapahoe". With, "say indentifier". I never heard the Center controllers response of, "Delta, Echo, Sierre, Tango, India, November, Alpha, Tango, India, Alpha, November".

DESTINATIAN???

 

[gsrcrsx68]

for you starcheck:
I never took off all flaps on short final (about 15ft agl) after deciding not to land. Thank God for ground effect.

I never flew -5 feet agl(or bgl as case would be) in a dried out river bed.

 

[chperplt]

I've NEVER landed a Beech 1900 C on a 2800 foot runway and only used 1100 feet or so...

I've NEVER accidentally put one of the mike switches on O2 when I was leaving and found out the next crew took a 2 hour delay while MX tried to figure out why the intercom system wasn't working.. Oops.

I've NEVER accidentally told my FO what a piece of cr@p airplane we were flying while on PA.

I've NEVER listened to a Pakistani sounding controller and accidentally found myself talking back to him in his native tongue. (He was a good sport about it)

When I was an instructor I NEVER told new students that they had to test the pitot tube by blowing into it. Absolutely hilarious to see your student with their lips wrapped around the pitot tube!

Likewise, when I was an instructor, I NEVER told my new students they had to test the stall warning on a C172 by sucking on the hole real hard!

 

[Boeingman]

Re: Great Post

Just to add a little military flavor to a great thread.

- I've never have flown supersonic over a populated area, and destroyed all the windows at a car dealership

He he, got that one beat. Old folks home for me. Thus endith my airshow exhibitions in that unit.