Funniest Thing You've Heard on the Radio?

[dhc8drvr]

Heard while taxiing in Phoenix a few years ago.


Ground: "Cactus 123, follow the RJ at November to 25R."

Cactus: "follow the SJ to 25R"

Mesa: (in a somewhat pissy voice) "Thats RJ, not SJ Cactus"

Cactus: "You say potato, I say pahtato"

Ground: (without skipping a beat) "yeah well, lets call the whole thing off"

 

[flatspin7]

Last night in EWR we get cut off by a Pilatus right at the end of the runway... the line up was a good 15+ plane long we were #2. I call the tower to make sure we werent supposed to follow him...

TWR... No he was supossed to give way.. don't worry I'll take care of him.
TWR... Pilatus XXXX Cross 22R at W and do a 180 on the Taxiway you are now number 8.

Some one esle.... WELCOME TO NEWARK... THAT'LL learn ya.

 

[ilkwamh2]

ORD Ground: "United XXX, if you hurry it up, you can beat Air Canada by A12."
United: "Roger"
Unknown voice: "U.S.A.!!!"

 

[NCFlyer]

Heard last night on Washington Center:

Center: Air Shuttle XXXX where are you going?

Air Shuttle: ILM

Center: Well you are 15 miles off course and going the wrong way to get to ILM, turn right 40 degrees for a vector to the airport.

Dead silence on the radio.

I was just waiting for some smart comment, but there was none made. I guess all were in the Christmas spirit and just wanting to get home.

 

[MEL'ed]

Tonight in LGA, taxiing to 13 transferred to monitor twr after a Comair just landed.

Twr: Comair, why did you say you went around before?
Comair: Erroneous glideslope indications.
Twr: (laughing) Earlier we thought you said erroneous psychological indications.

Maybe you had to be there, maybe not but it made the day for my CA and I since nothing else exciting happened on Christmas and we had to fly.

 

[Peanut gallery]

Funniest thing????

That would have to be Delta on the tracks in MNPS airspace. No wonder the historic GNE rate.

 

[LegacyDriver]

I was flying on J60 out of KHPN and managed to inadvertently get into a pi$$ing contest with a controller.

We were between ETX and PSB on J60 (DJB was up the road).

He cleared us "direct to Solberg" (which is SBJ).

I looked at the routing and said, "WTF?" SBJ was 60 miles BEHIND us and not on J60.

"Sir, Solberg is not on our route. Do you mean Dryer (DJB) perhaps?" I asked him.

"This is not a debate!" he railed. "Cleared direct SOLBERG, J60 on course."

I tried to explain things to the guy but he wouldn't have it. My co-pilot is a retired USAirways Captain and he had just about had enough so he jumped in and said, "If we are to go to Solberg we are going to have to do a 180 degree turn. Surely you can do better than that."

"SOLBERG is at your twelve o'clock and 80 miles!" the controller demanded. "East TEXAS is behind you."

Twelve o'clock and eighty miles was PSB (PHILLIPSBURG) not Solberg. So we just said, "Roger, direct Solberg," and went to PSB.

What a jacka$$. We obviously went where he wanted us to at least...but talk about embarassing.

 

[Tail Gunner Joe]

That would have to be Delta on the tracks in MNPS airspace. No wonder the historic GNE rate.

Huh???

"Sprocket? I said SOCKET!"

 

[Spoolingbyu]

Prez

Sometime last fall thereabouts, I was on the way from RIC to AGC with Washington when I heard,

AF1: Wash center, Air Force One, xx for x thousand.
Center: Air Force One, washington center, roger, cross DUNNO at 250 and 10, alt xx.xx
AF1: DUNNO at 250 and 10, Air Force One
Unknown: GO BUSH!

 

[Mr Wu]

Sometime last fall thereabouts, I was on the way from RIC to AGC with Washington when I heard,

AF1: Wash center, Air Force One, xx for x thousand.
Center: Air Force One, washington center, roger, cross DUNNO at 250 and 10, alt xx.xx
AF1: DUNNO at 250 and 10, Air Force One
Unknown: GO BUSH!

MALE COW FECES!!!!

Like Air Force One advertizes itself on VHF. Isn't AF1 military and don't they use UHF?

 

[ERfly]

MALE COW FECES!!!!

Like Air Force One advertizes itself on VHF. Isn't AF1 military and don't they use UHF?

Those tankers up there are military and they use VHF. It's a Boeing 747. It should have a VHF radio in it. I've heard Air Force 1 on the radio quite a bit. It's no goverment secret. The airplane flies and uses the radio. I've had AF1 pointed out as traffic to me once.

 

[ms6073]

Isn't AF1 military and don't they use UHF?

Yes AF1 is military but what radio band they use depends on where they are going and who they are talking to as well as the traffic that gets vectored out of their way!

 

[skyhwk74]

controller: "jetlink 2345, you're following company 12 o'clock 5 miles a 73"

reply: "Holy Sh$t, we've got 73's now? What happened to the 190's?!?!"

 

[Fred Rogers]

Great thread.. HIGHLARIOUS.

A little humor on the radio can really turn a crappy day around for me

 

[gkrangers]

I was in ILM and someone in a twin cessna was complaining about being slow or something...and I changed my call sign to "slow single engine cessna"...and I ended up saying something about how I wished I had more than one engine...and tower said "Well, I have four. One in my plane, one in my car, one in my boat, and one in my lawnmower."

 

[DGdaPilot]

This summer: Center tells us that a 737 (I can't remember who) was climbing really slow and "is having trouble gettin' it up" and asks us to adjust for spacing. In his Irish accent and in no time at all, my Capt says "Well I'm sorry to hear that and we'll see if we can help him out...haha....."

God it was hilarious. The 737 pilots never said a word.

 

[Sam Snead]

When I was at Colgan, 'round the turn of the millenium, several of the Beech 1900s were painted in red, white, and blue with stars.

North American 757s had an American flag paint job also.

Colgan: Ground, Colgan 5900 at A1
Boston Ground: Colgan 5900, taxi to the ramp, follow the Mother Ship.

North American was the "Mother Ship."

I believe the controllers used that whenever possible; not too often 'cause North American was not frequent in Boston.

-Retired 1900 slave

 

[Exskydiverdrivr]

About 10 years back I was rightseat in a Lear 35 out of LAX. An Aeromexico just departed ahead of us and was giving the controllers a fit. (wrong altitude readbacks , turning the wrong way, and just a real bad conversation in very broken english.) We get handed off to Departure and here's our guy again-still messin it up. Right before he get's handed to center Socal say's

Sc-"Aeromexico xxxx, we got a phone # for ya , advise ready to copy"

Aeromexico xxxx-"Royer-ready to copy"

Sc- "Aeromexico xxxx contact SoCal (gives the phone #) when you get to your destination.

Different voice comes on - must have been the Captain
"Deparyer Aeromehico xxxx, we goin to Mazatlan. That call long distance, not gonna work for me. Maybe we call you next time."

..... What are you gonna do??????

 

[CLE145CA]

Passing through IND Center airspace a few years ago we got a hand off to the next sector. So my FO tries a couple of times to check in with no answer. He switches back to the previous frequency to verify the correct frequency is dialed in. Sure enough it is. We go back and try he tries again three more times and no response. When he is about to try again I tell him to let me.

ME: "Indy Center, Jetlink 1234, level at FLXXX, sixth call."
Immediately and without missing a beat...
CNTR: "Roger, Jetlink 1234, first response."

Another time we were coming up from south TX in the EMB120 days in IAH. They assigned us a runway 27 with a resulting looooong downwind vector. Eventually the controller gave us the base leg turn and descent. We responded with the instructions and started the turn/descent.

A minute later the controller comes back:

"Jetlink, 1234, turn left 360 descend to 4,000."
ME (not being a dick): "Yes, approach we copied that and responded the last time."
Controller: "OK, wasn't sure I heard the readback."
ME: "Well, we are so far away from the airport it probably hasn't arrived yet."
Controller (laughing): "So how does LCH (Lake Charles, LA) look?"
ME: "Clear and a million. Thought we were landing there for a minute."

Finally, overheard on another flight (I forget the airline):

Controller: "Airline 5678, contact center 123.45."
Pilot: "Roger, 132.45, Airline 5678."
Controller: "Check that frequency...123.45."
Pilot: "Roger, we copied 132.45."
Controller: "No, sir, you have your numbers mixed...1-2-3 POINT 4-5."
Pilot: "Ooops, sorry about that. I used to be an airline CEO in my previous life."

 

[Publishers]

Aztec to Delta pilot complaining about waiting for the little aircraft to land:
"I own what I fly, how about you?"
Tower: OK children, you fly I control

Tower, 4tm for taxi
Tower I'll call you one

Delta complaining about late decent instructions
Tower No problem - take up a heading of 270 and we will call your base.
10 minutes later,,,,, Delta how is that decent coming?

 

[patriot88]

landing 27L yesterday at ORD, bit of a right xwind nothing major....tower gives the guy behind us clear to land winds 360 at 11 gusting 12.....look out for that one knot gust!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


also yesterday capt is PNF and we are bouncing between ATL Center controllers on the way to GSP and one guy we're on with for about 20 seconds and the controller says "it has been short, but sweet contact ATL Center at xxx.xx". capt hits back without missing a beat, "that's what she said last night"...controller couldn't contain himself...

good times...

 

[CaptDave]

I don't get this?

"Was flying from PNS back to TLH.... tuned in on TLHapproach and they ask Xjet for visibility. They reply, "clear and a million"...next some other pilot chimes in, "flight info dot com"..."

 

[ShyFlyGuy]

I don't get this?

"Was flying from PNS back to TLH.... tuned in on TLHapproach and they ask Xjet for visibility. They reply, "clear and a million"...next some other pilot chimes in, "flight info dot com"..."

clear and a million . com is the alter ego to flightinfo.com. It's funny because they're websites, but the other pilot didn't know... funny.

Shy

 

[ShyFlyGuy]

I'll sell myself out on this, just cause it's funny.

SYR Dep: Airliner 4811, turn left heading 120, climb and maintain 13,000.
Me, caught picking my nose or something: Uhhh... left turn 130, climb and maintain 12,000... Airliner 4814.
SYR Dep: Airliner 4811, no. That was so wrong you didn't even get your callsign right. Left turn 120, climb and maintain 13,000.
Me, clearly flustered as my CA laughs his ass off: Oh, sorry about that, left turn 130, climb and maintain 12000, Airliner 4811.
SYR Dep: Nope, still wrong. I'll go one at a time, Airliner 4811, turn left 120.
Me, shrinking in my seat: Left 120, 4811.
SYR Dep: Good, climb to 13,000, Airliner 4811.
Me: 13,000', 4811.
SYR Dep: Perfect.

Sheesh!

Shy

 

[DGdaPilot]

I'll sell myself out on this, just cause it's funny.

SYR Dep: Airliner 4811, turn left heading 120, climb and maintain 13,000.
Me, caught picking my nose or something: Uhhh... left turn 130, climb and maintain 12,000... Airliner 4814.
SYR Dep: Airliner 4811, no. That was so wrong you didn't even get your callsign right. Left turn 120, climb and maintain 13,000.
Me, clearly flustered as my CA laughs his ass off: Oh, sorry about that, left turn 130, climb and maintain 12000, Airliner 4811.
SYR Dep: Nope, still wrong. I'll go one at a time, Airliner 4811, turn left 120.
Me, shrinking in my seat: Left 120, 4811.
SYR Dep: Good, climb to 13,000, Airliner 4811.
Me: 13,000', 4811.
SYR Dep: Perfect.

Sheesh!

Shy

Thank you for busting yourself out cause I thought that was hilarious. I'm sure I'll get a taste of that sooner than later.

 

[Fred Rogers]

I'll sell myself out on this, just cause it's funny.

SYR Dep: Airliner 4811, turn left heading 120, climb and maintain 13,000.
Me, caught picking my nose or something: Uhhh... left turn 130, climb and maintain 12,000... Airliner 4814.
SYR Dep: Airliner 4811, no. That was so wrong you didn't even get your callsign right. Left turn 120, climb and maintain 13,000.
Me, clearly flustered as my CA laughs his ass off: Oh, sorry about that, left turn 130, climb and maintain 12000, Airliner 4811.
SYR Dep: Nope, still wrong. I'll go one at a time, Airliner 4811, turn left 120.
Me, shrinking in my seat: Left 120, 4811.
SYR Dep: Good, climb to 13,000, Airliner 4811.
Me: 13,000', 4811.
SYR Dep: Perfect.

Sheesh!

Shy

I'm pretty sure that captain who was laughing his a$$ off told me that story. I think it was the "That was so bad you didn't even get your callsign right" that really put the shine on.. ha ha No one is immune to that kind of thing, impressive though.

 

[Flyingtoohigh]

I was on the ground at a KPMV, a small uncontrolled field south of Omaha, Nebraska solo'ing a student for his first time. He made three decent landings I dropped me off at the ramp.

He goes around the pattern and makes one passable landing. On the second landing he comes around and bounces it... twice, with the wheels touching the pavement a grand total of three times. It wasn't pretty.

So just as this kid is trying to get his confidence back to try again some joker in the pattern comes on the radio immediate after the kid's botched landing and announces "...aaaaaaaaaaaaand he's current!"

Gotta love bug smasher humor!

 

[Ifly4money]

Once flying near TUL early in the morning a guy in a king air checks in out of 'bout 9000'. Center guy tells him out of 15k cleared direct destination. King air reads it back verbatum. About 5 min goes by and the center guy questions him on his route, if he really wants to go direct. The king then says sure would like that. The controller without missing a beat says "then take your rocket out of your hand and fly the airplane. I gave you direct out of 15k." I almost fell out of the airplane I was laughing so hard.

 

[Captain X]

Musta been getting close to shift change in IAH Tracon yesterday because the "Super Duper Hoover" guy was referring to all the Colgan flights as "Cold One 9XXX."

 

[ERfly]

Musta been getting close to shift change in IAH Tracon yesterday because the "Super Duper Hoover" guy was referring to all the Colgan flights as "Cold One 9XXX."

Yeah, Axe is working again finally. I haven't heard him since June. It was a nice change. I've also noticed, he's one of the few controllers that likes to keep everybody fast. Monday the conversation went something like this...

"Jetlincoln 3XXX, keep it on the barber pole, expect 26L, down to 10,000. How ya doin' dude?"