Funniest Thing You've Heard on the Radio?

[pilotdiscretion]

An aircraft on final into DTW was very antsy about only having 2 miles separation with the aircraft in front of him. After complaining on the radio several times the controller told him "If you would like more room push your seat back".

 

[WMUSIGPI]

Going into ATL on a miserably turbulent day at all altitudes, everyone was complaining about the bumps. Finally a Delta guy checks in on approach and asks "when do the bumps stop?". Approach responded "about ten seconds after you land".

Lucky he wasn't going to Detroit. It'd be more like 10 sec after setting the brake at the gate.

 

[ERfly]

Our favorite controller, Axe (sp?) in IAH is always good for a bunch of them.

"Jetlincoln 2345, in case y'all get a 'Traffic! Traffic' (in TCAS voice), don't worry, bud, it's all planned. Y'all are gonna have a guy at your 12:00, 1,000 feet above ya, bent-wing pencil jet.....kinda like the one you're in."

"Jetlincoln 2345, I got a slow moving target off your left side, kinda low. It's either a flock of birds or a Citation."

However, today took the cake. It wasn't Axe, but Big Brother slowed without telling anyone coming over an arrival fix today. We switched frequencies and listened to the tongue lashing that was taking place. The controller couldn't let it go. He let every aircraft on the frequency know that "Someone ahead of them slowed early and caused a huge compression problem." The Captain and I got quite a chuckle out of it.

 

["GO AROUND"]

Center was having lots of problems with pilots answering calls on the first call and finally asked someone for a radio check. "Loud and Clear" was the response. Controller said "I was starting to think you had to say everything twice to get a response from anyone.". He said this as I was switching and all I heard was the last comment. Being the SmartA$$ that I am I checked in with "Fort worth center, fort worth center, Candler 120, Candler 120, out of 230 for 15 thousand, out of 230 for 15 thousand, 250 kts assigned, 250 kts assigned. Took him a minute to respond and he and the other controllers in the background were still laughing.

This story came from a friend after he had been at Coex for a while. Taxiing out for departure in a ERJ, he was behind a Delta L1011 if I remember right and the Delta asked the ground controller if it was alright to do a crossbleed start where he was. That he was going to make a lot of thrust for anyone behind him. Ground asks my friend if he heard the Delta and was it ok? My friend pauses for about 30 seconds and keys up with "Yeah, Delta can blow me."

 

["GO AROUND"]

"Jetlincoln 2345, I got a slow moving target off your left side, kinda low. It's either a flock of birds or a Citation."

Sounds like the Chicago approach controller that got tired of the Citation calling him Center and said "I'll quit calling you Twin Cessna if you quit calling me Center!"

However, today took the cake. It wasn't Axe, but Big Brother slowed without telling anyone coming over an arrival fix today. We switched frequencies and listened to the tongue lashing that was taking place. The controller couldn't let it go. He let every aircraft on the frequency know that "Someone ahead of them slowed early and caused a huge compression problem." The Captain and I got quite a chuckle out of it.

That reminds me of the JFK female ground controller that lashed a TWA guy for turning the wrong way onto the opposit direction taxiway and fudging everything up during the 7 PM push. She would let it go either, lashing the guy for 5 minutes every other pilot felt sorry for him and all he could sheepishly say was "Sorry". The next comment from another airplane was "Wasn't I married to you once?" I about fell out of my chair laughing.

 

[jetexas]

DFW is famous for the "AA windcheck". One day I heard "windcheck!" Tower came back with "calm!". Not 2 seconds later and ..."windcheck!" Tower then very curtly said "Wind...from every direction at ZERO knots!"

 

[skyslug]

Several years ago we heard Center give an AA flight a descent crossing restriction. Apparently it was a little ambitious because the AA flight replied "we couldn't make that if we jumped out".

 

[Knob]

Overheard on DEN center:

'Lakes air 121, you gonna make GLIMR @ 15?"

"Yes sir, we're comin' down like a Baron full of doctors!!"

 

[blesko]

ftw ctr had an air conditioning unit fail back in the late 80s/early 90s so all the doors to the center were open for ventilation. student controller was at the scope with the push to talk switch on the floor depressed with the foot. the training controller was behind the student. Its a pretty slow day and they are swatting and killing flies for points on a typical hot,muggy dallas day. Single engin calls up FTW on the clearance RCO requesting an IFR. Student controller issues the clearance, fails to take his foot off the PTT and leans over to kill a fly with the flyswatter and says watch me kill this one.

 

[1973Arrow]

One of the controllers at CLT, in the early hours of the morning had a 'squwak box'. It was this recorded parrot. The squwak code was definately the most enertaining part of the clearence...