Funniest Thing You've Heard on the Radio?

[be-400xpdriver]

Summer 2003 at DEN while Great Lakes Pilots tried a slow down.United "Hey tower whats up with Lakes they are taxing really slow, are they doing some kinda of slow down?"DEN Ground " Yeah, Kinda reminds me of you guys in 2000"

 

[be-400xpdriver]

While flying from AMA to DEN on ABQ center a Conquest had a stuck mike.Conquest "ABQ center Conquest xyz at 230, (long pause approx 3 min.) can you hear him?" conquest pilots starts having a conversation with his pax or other pilot, repeatly ask can you hear me, how about now?ABQ Center "Conquest xyz ABQ center you have had a stuck mike"Conquest "Roger I have a stuck mike." Starts having a another conversation, again ask can you hear me?3 minuter later. ABQ Center " Conquest xyz I SAID you have a stuck mike dont not talk respong to my instructions with a ident.After I had been cleared to DEN center I switched back to ABQ and said "Can you hear me know"ABQ Center " GOD DAMIT CONQUEST XYZ I SAID ONLY RESPOND WITH YOUR IDENT"Conquest "IT WAS NOT ME SIR, Can you hear me? Damit not again."

 

[91100 100 set]

Couple of years ago, we were taxing into the gate at PIT. We were converging with a USAirways 757 on a perpendicular taxiway, and neither us nor the 757 had instructions to give way or not. So we both come to a stop, and after a few seconds the 757 starts to roll out in front of us. At this point, ground says "Allegheny, give way to the 757". The 757 says, "we're bigger anyway", not in a demeaning way, and we couldn't care either way who went first, but as he straightened out in front of us, about 10 feet off the centerline, the captain I'm with says "so big you can't find the centerline, big guy?".

 

[Booker]

Relayed to me from a friend: Don't remember who or where, but an apparently heavy 777 was taxiing very slowly while leading a line, comes to a slight hump in the taxiway, and all but stops. Ground asked the 777 to hurry up, and the reply was, "It's hard to get it up when you're loaded."

Also: Departed CLT one day behind Mesa. They checked on with departure, who replied, "Air Shuttle xxxx, what do you suppose the odds are that your transponder code would actually be the same as your flight number?"

And to prove I'm not immune: I was flying into AVL, and I landed the Dash 8 with my usual amount of finesse. AVL tower says, "Taxi to the ramp, and next time you're doing your before landing checklist, make sure you engage the autoland function."

 

[sleddriver77]

The tower at Fairbanks, Alaska has a nasty little habit of clearing people to land when they're 20+ miles from the airport if it's really slow, and they just have one guy working Approach/Tower/Ground/Clearance from the tower cab. One late summer evening, a guy called in with "Approach, Cessna 12345 (position) with (ATIS), request floatpond 19." The guy gave him a squawk, and a few moments later responded with "Floatplane 12345's radar contact (Position), enter left base, cleared to land floatpond 19." He acknowledged the clearance, and some time passed. Then, apparently the tower had the airplane in sight. He watched him turn final for the float pond, and probably a mile final, tower (very slowly, and enunciating) made the following transmission: "Cessna 12345, Ummmm...you ARE cleared to land floatpond 19; BE ADVISED SIR, YOU ARE NOT ON FLOATS! Say intentions?" The response was "Oh Sh!t, um, yeah, hey how 'bout 19L? And while you're at it, you can make that callsign Cessna 56789, instead, too." The controller was laughing so hard he could barely clear the guy to land on 19L.

This led up to what happened next.

The controller was probably still recovering from the "floatplane" incident, when an Alaska 737 checked in. The controller cleared him to land on 19L. (19L at the time was a 3200X60 runway.) There was a pause, followed by "Well, looks a little tight, but we'll try it" from Alaska. The controller corrected himself, issued the guy the right side, and said something to the effect of, "you're sure welcome to try it, why not? At least I gave you a hard surface. Just had a guy in a 185 on wheels request the floatpond!"

 

[BlackPilot628]

About 3 weeks ago the weather was pretty bad in ORD. When MDW is landing to SE on 13C ORD can only depart 2 runways. One this day the winds were 17019G29. The 2 runway available were 14L and 27R. Well, No one could take 27R because of the winds, accept Polar's B747. To make a long story short, we were number 83 for T/O 14L. Anyone that flies into ORD during these times of trouble know how they weave us through the UAL and AA hangers.
There was a Skywest CRJ7 that needed to return to the gate for fuel. Ground was super busy. Skywest continued to say " We need to return to the gate for fuel....". Instead of SKW just saying that, he added a few other sentences and spoke very slowly. My Capt and I were just like, Spit it out SKW. About that time, Ground comes on and says; " SKW6XXX, Stop talking sir, just hush. I heard you and I'll get back to you when I can. But, PLEASE stop talking!"

 

[aa73]

"AMERICAN 694 SAY SPEED!"

"Oh we're really hauling a$$ up here, 694."

"AMERICAN 694 I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE CARRYING.... SAY SPEED!"

 

[wmuflyguy]

In JAX as i was getting the clearance back to LGA.

Me: comair xxx, lga, mike
Clearance: Well Comair would you like the good news or the bad news first
Me: how about the bad news
Clearance: You have a EDC 0135Z (It was 2235Z)
Me: Uh...ok 0135Z as in 3 hours from now?
Clearnace: Yes sir
Me: Whats the goodnews?
Clearance: Well your cleared as filed, Sqwuak 1234, have a nice dinner

 

[propjockey]

This summer we were parked in ORD waiting for a gate along with a lot of other planes. While we were monitoring ground frequency, we heard the controller give instructions to another regional flight to hold at a certain taxiway intersection. I'm guessing this guy was a fairly junior FO. Now I have nothing against junior FOs. I used to be one. It just seems that sometimes they don't know what they don't know, because instead of reading back the controller's instructions, he suggested that maybe they could hold in the penalty box instead, to which the ground controller replied:

"The penalty box... What a great idea! I wish I'd thought of that -- oh wait -- it's FULL!"

 

[EHE2]

waterski out of iad...."Can we get layed?"