Funniest Thing You've Heard on the Radio?

[dhc8drvr]

Heard while taxiing in Phoenix a few years ago.


Ground: "Cactus 123, follow the RJ at November to 25R."

Cactus: "follow the SJ to 25R"

Mesa: (in a somewhat pissy voice) "Thats RJ, not SJ Cactus"

Cactus: "You say potato, I say pahtato"

Ground: (without skipping a beat) "yeah well, lets call the whole thing off"

 

[flatspin7]

Last night in EWR we get cut off by a Pilatus right at the end of the runway... the line up was a good 15+ plane long we were #2. I call the tower to make sure we werent supposed to follow him...

TWR... No he was supossed to give way.. don't worry I'll take care of him.
TWR... Pilatus XXXX Cross 22R at W and do a 180 on the Taxiway you are now number 8.

Some one esle.... WELCOME TO NEWARK... THAT'LL learn ya.

 

[ilkwamh2]

ORD Ground: "United XXX, if you hurry it up, you can beat Air Canada by A12."
United: "Roger"
Unknown voice: "U.S.A.!!!"

 

[NCFlyer]

Heard last night on Washington Center:

Center: Air Shuttle XXXX where are you going?

Air Shuttle: ILM

Center: Well you are 15 miles off course and going the wrong way to get to ILM, turn right 40 degrees for a vector to the airport.

Dead silence on the radio.

I was just waiting for some smart comment, but there was none made. I guess all were in the Christmas spirit and just wanting to get home.

 

[MEL'ed]

Tonight in LGA, taxiing to 13 transferred to monitor twr after a Comair just landed.

Twr: Comair, why did you say you went around before?
Comair: Erroneous glideslope indications.
Twr: (laughing) Earlier we thought you said erroneous psychological indications.

Maybe you had to be there, maybe not but it made the day for my CA and I since nothing else exciting happened on Christmas and we had to fly.

 

[Peanut gallery]

Funniest thing????

That would have to be Delta on the tracks in MNPS airspace. No wonder the historic GNE rate.

 

[LegacyDriver]

I was flying on J60 out of KHPN and managed to inadvertently get into a pi$$ing contest with a controller.

We were between ETX and PSB on J60 (DJB was up the road).

He cleared us "direct to Solberg" (which is SBJ).

I looked at the routing and said, "WTF?" SBJ was 60 miles BEHIND us and not on J60.

"Sir, Solberg is not on our route. Do you mean Dryer (DJB) perhaps?" I asked him.

"This is not a debate!" he railed. "Cleared direct SOLBERG, J60 on course."

I tried to explain things to the guy but he wouldn't have it. My co-pilot is a retired USAirways Captain and he had just about had enough so he jumped in and said, "If we are to go to Solberg we are going to have to do a 180 degree turn. Surely you can do better than that."

"SOLBERG is at your twelve o'clock and 80 miles!" the controller demanded. "East TEXAS is behind you."

Twelve o'clock and eighty miles was PSB (PHILLIPSBURG) not Solberg. So we just said, "Roger, direct Solberg," and went to PSB.

What a jacka$$. We obviously went where he wanted us to at least...but talk about embarassing.

 

[Tail Gunner Joe]

That would have to be Delta on the tracks in MNPS airspace. No wonder the historic GNE rate.

Huh???

"Sprocket? I said SOCKET!"

 

[Spoolingbyu]

Prez

Sometime last fall thereabouts, I was on the way from RIC to AGC with Washington when I heard,

AF1: Wash center, Air Force One, xx for x thousand.
Center: Air Force One, washington center, roger, cross DUNNO at 250 and 10, alt xx.xx
AF1: DUNNO at 250 and 10, Air Force One
Unknown: GO BUSH!

 

[Mr Wu]

Sometime last fall thereabouts, I was on the way from RIC to AGC with Washington when I heard,

AF1: Wash center, Air Force One, xx for x thousand.
Center: Air Force One, washington center, roger, cross DUNNO at 250 and 10, alt xx.xx
AF1: DUNNO at 250 and 10, Air Force One
Unknown: GO BUSH!

MALE COW FECES!!!!

Like Air Force One advertizes itself on VHF. Isn't AF1 military and don't they use UHF?

 

[ERfly]

MALE COW FECES!!!!

Like Air Force One advertizes itself on VHF. Isn't AF1 military and don't they use UHF?

Those tankers up there are military and they use VHF. It's a Boeing 747. It should have a VHF radio in it. I've heard Air Force 1 on the radio quite a bit. It's no goverment secret. The airplane flies and uses the radio. I've had AF1 pointed out as traffic to me once.

 

[ms6073]

Isn't AF1 military and don't they use UHF?

Yes AF1 is military but what radio band they use depends on where they are going and who they are talking to as well as the traffic that gets vectored out of their way!

 

[skyhwk74]

controller: "jetlink 2345, you're following company 12 o'clock 5 miles a 73"

reply: "Holy Sh$t, we've got 73's now? What happened to the 190's?!?!"

 

[Fred Rogers]

Great thread.. HIGHLARIOUS.

A little humor on the radio can really turn a crappy day around for me

 

[gkrangers]

I was in ILM and someone in a twin cessna was complaining about being slow or something...and I changed my call sign to "slow single engine cessna"...and I ended up saying something about how I wished I had more than one engine...and tower said "Well, I have four. One in my plane, one in my car, one in my boat, and one in my lawnmower."

 

[DGdaPilot]

This summer: Center tells us that a 737 (I can't remember who) was climbing really slow and "is having trouble gettin' it up" and asks us to adjust for spacing. In his Irish accent and in no time at all, my Capt says "Well I'm sorry to hear that and we'll see if we can help him out...haha....."

God it was hilarious. The 737 pilots never said a word.

 

[Sam Snead]

When I was at Colgan, 'round the turn of the millenium, several of the Beech 1900s were painted in red, white, and blue with stars.

North American 757s had an American flag paint job also.

Colgan: Ground, Colgan 5900 at A1
Boston Ground: Colgan 5900, taxi to the ramp, follow the Mother Ship.

North American was the "Mother Ship."

I believe the controllers used that whenever possible; not too often 'cause North American was not frequent in Boston.

-Retired 1900 slave

 

[Exskydiverdrivr]

About 10 years back I was rightseat in a Lear 35 out of LAX. An Aeromexico just departed ahead of us and was giving the controllers a fit. (wrong altitude readbacks , turning the wrong way, and just a real bad conversation in very broken english.) We get handed off to Departure and here's our guy again-still messin it up. Right before he get's handed to center Socal say's

Sc-"Aeromexico xxxx, we got a phone # for ya , advise ready to copy"

Aeromexico xxxx-"Royer-ready to copy"

Sc- "Aeromexico xxxx contact SoCal (gives the phone #) when you get to your destination.

Different voice comes on - must have been the Captain
"Deparyer Aeromehico xxxx, we goin to Mazatlan. That call long distance, not gonna work for me. Maybe we call you next time."

..... What are you gonna do??????

 

[CLE145CA]

Passing through IND Center airspace a few years ago we got a hand off to the next sector. So my FO tries a couple of times to check in with no answer. He switches back to the previous frequency to verify the correct frequency is dialed in. Sure enough it is. We go back and try he tries again three more times and no response. When he is about to try again I tell him to let me.

ME: "Indy Center, Jetlink 1234, level at FLXXX, sixth call."
Immediately and without missing a beat...
CNTR: "Roger, Jetlink 1234, first response."

Another time we were coming up from south TX in the EMB120 days in IAH. They assigned us a runway 27 with a resulting looooong downwind vector. Eventually the controller gave us the base leg turn and descent. We responded with the instructions and started the turn/descent.

A minute later the controller comes back:

"Jetlink, 1234, turn left 360 descend to 4,000."
ME (not being a dick): "Yes, approach we copied that and responded the last time."
Controller: "OK, wasn't sure I heard the readback."
ME: "Well, we are so far away from the airport it probably hasn't arrived yet."
Controller (laughing): "So how does LCH (Lake Charles, LA) look?"
ME: "Clear and a million. Thought we were landing there for a minute."

Finally, overheard on another flight (I forget the airline):

Controller: "Airline 5678, contact center 123.45."
Pilot: "Roger, 132.45, Airline 5678."
Controller: "Check that frequency...123.45."
Pilot: "Roger, we copied 132.45."
Controller: "No, sir, you have your numbers mixed...1-2-3 POINT 4-5."
Pilot: "Ooops, sorry about that. I used to be an airline CEO in my previous life."

 

[Publishers]

Aztec to Delta pilot complaining about waiting for the little aircraft to land:
"I own what I fly, how about you?"
Tower: OK children, you fly I control

Tower, 4tm for taxi
Tower I'll call you one

Delta complaining about late decent instructions
Tower No problem - take up a heading of 270 and we will call your base.
10 minutes later,,,,, Delta how is that decent coming?