Funniest Thing You've Heard on the Radio?

[ReverseSensing]

I was level at 13,000ft today, just south of Chicago talking to Center. Heard a Cessna 172 pilot call up and ask, "Chicago Center, Could I amend my IFR flight plan?". Center asked, "Yes Sir, state nature of deviation, please?" There was a pause and the C172 pilot responded, "Center, I sharted in my pants."
Center replied, "(laughing sounds)....(pause)....Ok, Sir, but what airport would you like to deviate to?"

The Scene: A dark and stormy night at JFK.
Dozen or so different airlines and lots of heavily accented radio calls, many of them completely unreadable...Everyone is trying to get in that conga line to cross the North Atlantic, and the ground controller can't see any of them because of the vis is down to a quarter or so. Everyone is getting stepped on, airplanes are on the wrong taxiways, and the poor controller is losing it. Finally, he announces: "Everyone Stop Right Now!! I want everyone to hold their position. Do not move!" A shocked silence ensues for a few seconds and then, very quietly, someone says: "Delta moved...."

I sharted in mine when I read these. Thanks!

 

[Road Rash]

A couple of months ago going into the LA area,

SW*** requesting normal speed.

LA center- normal speed once your on the runway.

 

[Broke in CVG]

While sitting at LGA waiting for a TS to pass directly over the field, a big lightning stike hit right on the field, huge flash and incrediblely loud. Someone keyed up the mike, "No, I said Bud Light."

Going into ORD one day, a United flight declared an emergency for something... controller asked souls on board and fuel remaining... without missing a beat, the United flight said, "154 souls, plus one lawyer."

 

[scar1900]

Last winter, when it was pretty bleak at Usair.

Usair #1: "Ramp looks like there's a rag or something on the ramp out here"
Usair #2: "I think it's a shirt...aren't we all losing our shirts over here"

Again CLT ramp a few months back

Ramp: "Air Shuttle **** give way to that Usair 737 and then cleared to the hold line"
-The 73 taxis by a few minutes later
Air Shuttle: "Ramp, we could have made it by that 73 no problem, he hadn't started taxiing yet"
Usair: "Whaaa whaaa" (baby crying)
Air Shuttle: "Your fuel, your pension..."

 

[Tarquinn]

Didn't hear this one personally, but it's pretty good...

Years ago, a Pan Am flight had just landed in Frankfurt, Germany. The crew was having a little trouble finding their way around the airport...

Tower: (In a snippy German accent) Clipper XXX... Have you never been to Frankfurt before..?

Pan Am: Yeah... once... back in '44, in a different kind of Boeing... we didn't stop.

 

[captpetefam]

Full Stop

Flying from MSP into AZO (Kalamazoo, MI) one night on the Avro. We're cleared for a visual approached and turned over to tower. Western MI U is on the field with several of their 172's in the pattern doin' slam-n-goes. More guys askin' tower for departure "closed traffic".

We check on, "Kalamazoo Tower, Mesaba 3472, Left Base 35, Full Stop."

Tower: "Jeez, I should HOPE so! Mesaba, Cleared to Land."

 

[G2T]

Late one night on NY Center after one of those silences that makes everyone wonder if they missed a handoff...

"Seattle Center, XXXX Heavy, did you still want us on this heading?"

 

[mrnolmts]

..."Delta moved...."

ROFLMAO!!!

 

[CL60]

Open mike

From a tower chief buddy of mine who worked at this ARTCC.

ARTCC male controller, (trainee), and female supervisor, discussing how to properly plug-in to a station on inadvertent open mike:


Female voice: "pull it out... you've got it in the wrong..."

Male voice: "no its not... its right...er, uh..."

Female voice: "take your hand off it... here, let me."

Male voice: "wait, my ear, you're pulling..."

Female voice: "there...wait, is it in all the way?"

Male voice: "thats all there is...umm, I'll push harder."

Female voice: "lets try switching positions."


They still play the tape at parties.

 

[Lostdog65]

Allegedly overheard near Ft. Smith on Center...

F16 doing approaches: Requesting ILSXX.
Female Cont.: Best speed to XXXXX Int.
F16: Roger...best speed.
Male Cont.: Under Mach 1 gentlemen...that will be sufficient.

Like I said...alleged but still funny.


Me to RDD tower..late one night: Rich...Eric.
RDD tower: Eric...Rich.
Me: 34
Rich: Cleared...see ya.

Eric

 

[Lostdog65]

freakin computer...triple post...dang!

eric

 

[OI812]

ok im an instructor and was with a student taxiing off the runway.
E3 with a cessna taxiing towards us on E
Tower:warrior 123 say intentions
student: I am paying attention
and taxied right in front of the cessna and back to our flight school

Heard one from another instructor while on with center

student solo pilot: MSP center how much fuel do i have
MSP Center: advise land as soon as possible

 

[low-key]

Atlanta center the other day pulled a :


ATL: 88AX cleared direct glade springs and if there is anything else we can do here to make your flight more enjoyable for you please dont hesitate to let us know.

unknown: NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE

 

[VVJM265]

Napoli (LIRN), middle of July one summer afternoon a very long time ago, 110 deg on the ramp, sweating our brains out ‘cause there was no APU in the Saberliner, and we’re waiting for start clearance to go back home to Sigonella after 4 legs; finally after about 15 minutes, ground pipes up: “JM, startup approved.” My aircraft commander, a senior O4 who acted more like an over grown frat boy, think he’s w/ one of the cargo carriers now, starts yelling and clapping his hands, “YEAAAA, BRAVO, BRAVO, YEA!!!!” I’m in the right seat and hold the mike over to him and click the transmitter while he’s in his fit of joy. He puts his hands over his mouth and utters “You didn’t?!” To which I nod yes. Next we hear, and imagine both in heavy Italian accent: ALITALA: “What the hell is going on?” Ground: ” Somebody must be drunk!” We laughed our behinds off the whole way home…

 

[USC328]

This thread is awesome. So, I'm going to rat myself out on this one. I was flying into Boston Logan in the early AM in the mighty Baron flying freight. Having tight deadlines( 5 minute turn on ground), I never did look at the departure procedure before calling for my clearance. I'd do that after the fact right before engine start and taxi.

CLNC DEL: Starcheck XXX, cleared to the BDL airport ??? departure Bosox transition as filed.............

Me: Starcheck XXX, cleared to the BDL airport ??? Departure BOTOX transiition as filed........

CLNC DEL: (laughing) No starcheck, it's the BOSOX transition

Me (Bashfully): Aww, that makes sense, Bosox transition as filed, good morning

 

[schoolio]

My first flight in the Phoenix Area, just moved here about 3 weeks prior:

Glendale Tower: NXXXX report the Loop (101) and Grand (Avenue) for straight in Rwy 19.
Me: Report Luke (AFB) and Grand NXXXX.
Glendale Tower: Negative sir, the loop! Loop 101 and Grand Avenue. The Air Force might not like you flying over their field!
Me: Umm, roger, they probably wouldn't. Loop and Grand, NXXXX.

 

[skyhwk74]

On a flight from IAH to IND last week after the Steelers took the Colts in the playoffs:

JL: Indy center, Jetlink 1234 FL340, How 'bout them Steelers??
Controller: roger, jetlink 1234, Indy center, turn left heading 180, direct IAH. How 'bout them Texans?

 

[WSurf]

Friend of Mine said when flying into DFW, that AeroMexico 727 was suppose to Cross a Fix at 11,000 and 250 Kts!! He didn't do either, and the the controller with a pissed off voice said, AeroMexico I thought I gave you a crossing and speed restriction!!
Mexico's comeback!! With heavy Mexican voice---- Sometimes you make it and sometimes you don't!!
To top that off, the controller could hear the 727 Overspeed Clanker Making noise.... 'Mexico Say Speed'---- Long Pause
Then..... Heavy Mexican Voice!!! My Captain Say TwoFifty!!!

 

[Parrot_Head_Fly]

Confess!

DET Approach : Citation N@#@# would you call yourself established?
Citation: open mike....... pause........ uh sure....
DET: we show you well left of the ILS
Citation: open mike.... then closed.. no response..

Guy sitting next to me: CONFESSSSSSSS....

Citation: DET APProach, we're going around

DET: Good call, climb 3000, right heading 210

I was rolling!:laugh:

 

[samfu_1]

(Ok, I know this wasn't said on the radio....)
Talked to a guy this morning and he asked me what I did, -I'm sorry that I had to tell him about my profession, becuase it invokes too many comments such as, "Oh, I have a sister who's husband's brother flies for Southwest Airlines, and I think he only flies one trip a month to Tokyo, yep that's all he does in a month. "