Funniest Thing You've Heard on the Radio?

[ReverseSensing]

I was level at 13,000ft today, just south of Chicago talking to Center. Heard a Cessna 172 pilot call up and ask, "Chicago Center, Could I amend my IFR flight plan?". Center asked, "Yes Sir, state nature of deviation, please?" There was a pause and the C172 pilot responded, "Center, I sharted in my pants."
Center replied, "(laughing sounds)....(pause)....Ok, Sir, but what airport would you like to deviate to?"

The Scene: A dark and stormy night at JFK.
Dozen or so different airlines and lots of heavily accented radio calls, many of them completely unreadable...Everyone is trying to get in that conga line to cross the North Atlantic, and the ground controller can't see any of them because of the vis is down to a quarter or so. Everyone is getting stepped on, airplanes are on the wrong taxiways, and the poor controller is losing it. Finally, he announces: "Everyone Stop Right Now!! I want everyone to hold their position. Do not move!" A shocked silence ensues for a few seconds and then, very quietly, someone says: "Delta moved...."

I sharted in mine when I read these. Thanks!

 

[Road Rash]

A couple of months ago going into the LA area,

SW*** requesting normal speed.

LA center- normal speed once your on the runway.

 

[Broke in CVG]

While sitting at LGA waiting for a TS to pass directly over the field, a big lightning stike hit right on the field, huge flash and incrediblely loud. Someone keyed up the mike, "No, I said Bud Light."

Going into ORD one day, a United flight declared an emergency for something... controller asked souls on board and fuel remaining... without missing a beat, the United flight said, "154 souls, plus one lawyer."

 

[scar1900]

Last winter, when it was pretty bleak at Usair.

Usair #1: "Ramp looks like there's a rag or something on the ramp out here"
Usair #2: "I think it's a shirt...aren't we all losing our shirts over here"

Again CLT ramp a few months back

Ramp: "Air Shuttle **** give way to that Usair 737 and then cleared to the hold line"
-The 73 taxis by a few minutes later
Air Shuttle: "Ramp, we could have made it by that 73 no problem, he hadn't started taxiing yet"
Usair: "Whaaa whaaa" (baby crying)
Air Shuttle: "Your fuel, your pension..."

 

[Tarquinn]

Didn't hear this one personally, but it's pretty good...

Years ago, a Pan Am flight had just landed in Frankfurt, Germany. The crew was having a little trouble finding their way around the airport...

Tower: (In a snippy German accent) Clipper XXX... Have you never been to Frankfurt before..?

Pan Am: Yeah... once... back in '44, in a different kind of Boeing... we didn't stop.

 

[captpetefam]

Full Stop

Flying from MSP into AZO (Kalamazoo, MI) one night on the Avro. We're cleared for a visual approached and turned over to tower. Western MI U is on the field with several of their 172's in the pattern doin' slam-n-goes. More guys askin' tower for departure "closed traffic".

We check on, "Kalamazoo Tower, Mesaba 3472, Left Base 35, Full Stop."

Tower: "Jeez, I should HOPE so! Mesaba, Cleared to Land."

 

[G2T]

Late one night on NY Center after one of those silences that makes everyone wonder if they missed a handoff...

"Seattle Center, XXXX Heavy, did you still want us on this heading?"

 

[mrnolmts]

..."Delta moved...."

ROFLMAO!!!

 

[CL60]

Open mike

From a tower chief buddy of mine who worked at this ARTCC.

ARTCC male controller, (trainee), and female supervisor, discussing how to properly plug-in to a station on inadvertent open mike:


Female voice: "pull it out... you've got it in the wrong..."

Male voice: "no its not... its right...er, uh..."

Female voice: "take your hand off it... here, let me."

Male voice: "wait, my ear, you're pulling..."

Female voice: "there...wait, is it in all the way?"

Male voice: "thats all there is...umm, I'll push harder."

Female voice: "lets try switching positions."


They still play the tape at parties.

 

[Lostdog65]

Allegedly overheard near Ft. Smith on Center...

F16 doing approaches: Requesting ILSXX.
Female Cont.: Best speed to XXXXX Int.
F16: Roger...best speed.
Male Cont.: Under Mach 1 gentlemen...that will be sufficient.

Like I said...alleged but still funny.


Me to RDD tower..late one night: Rich...Eric.
RDD tower: Eric...Rich.
Me: 34
Rich: Cleared...see ya.

Eric