What's the dumbest question you've been asked as a pilot?

[ackattacker]

Not quite the doctors office, but the vet:

Doc: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Chopped liver
Doc: Human chopped liver?
Me: No, I think it's beef.
Doc: (speechless)

 

[RompXS4D]

Back to topic:

Terminal bathroom, me mid-stream long one. Tug on my shirt "excuse me, sir." I ignore it, thinking to my self, what the hell? Four seconds later a tug on my collar followed by another "excuse me sir." Turn my head and firmly said "hang on a second, I'll be done shortly!" Shake, zip up turn around to walk to the sink to wash up, and this 30ish aged Yuppie totally violating my space bubble, less than a foot behind me looming over my shoulder.

Him: Do you know Where Jackson is?
Me Looking quite PO'ed: Yeah it's in Mississippi.
Him: Do you know how to get there? Flashing his boarding pass.
Me: Go to I-20 and go East.
Him: Are you sure?
Me: Yup.
Him: Turned and walked away.

Oh I was mad, it's one thing fathom a million stupid Q's but the audacity of that guy just Chapped my Azz!

A couple more:

PAX head in Cockpit: This is a small plane
Me: Get a bigger airport!

Another Time
PAX head in Cockpit again: This is a smaller plane than the one that used to do this same route.
Capt: When you start paying for your tickets again it will get bigger.

All time favorite:
PAX severly berating gate agent over delay on a typical ORD Winter day. (She must of had been dealing with him a couple times already)
Gate Agent: Sir If I could chew up a few beer cans and ******************** you an airplane I would, but for now you need to sit down and wait for the arrival. One more outburst and I am calling Security.

Laughed all the way to Ops

 

[fried chickens]

When pax say "this plane is small" I just say they get smaller.

I had one f/a call us out of sterile:

F/a- Can I use the lav

me- you don't have to ask us for permission

f/a- but the seatbelt sign is still on

Anther time when we asked for the pax count the f/a proudly said 12 on the right and 15 on the left.

 

[time builder]

Not quite the doctors office, but the vet:

Doc: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Chopped liver
Doc: Human chopped liver?
Me: No, I think it's beef.
Doc: (speechless)

That's hilarious. You should submit that to Reader's Digest.

 

[NuGuy]

Heyas,

Flying out of a EAS town one day. Lady gets on and proudly exclaims that "this is the smallest plane I've ever been on", to which I replied "Well, this is the smallest town I've ever been to, so I guess we're even".

Got written up for that one...totally worth it, though...

Nu

 

[Sawmill]

I was on IOE with a pretty cool CA and we were about 10 mins from our destination. Ding Ding...The FA asked us if an old lady could use the restroom and without missing a beat, the CA said, " Number one or number two?" Before he could tell her he was kidding, the FA was off the phone and went to ask her. A minute later, Ding Ding..."ummm, she said number one". The CA told the FA it was ok for her to used the restroom then. We laughed all the way to the hotel.

 

[acaTerry]

Back to topic:

Terminal bathroom, me mid-stream long one. Tug on my shirt "excuse me, sir." I ignore it, thinking to my self, what the hell? Four seconds later a tug on my collar followed by another "excuse me sir." Turn my head and firmly said "hang on a second, I'll be done shortly!" Shake, zip up turn around to walk to the sink to wash up, and this 30ish aged Yuppie totally violating my space bubble, less than a foot behind me looming over my shoulder.

I think he liked you and wanted you to turn around so he could see "you". You sure got a purdy mouf.

 

[mcjohn]

"So you're going off for some regional jet training? Wow 2 months just to be a steward?!"

And I'm not even a richard smoker OR a poopy poker (for you Ween fans out there.)
I have a deep Georgia accent.
Got that twice in one day the other day. Probably didn't help that I was wearing a bellman uniform.

 

[flyflorida2001]

At my former regional we stayed in the same hotel as the FA's during new-hire ground school. Sitting in the pool with a few of the new flight attendants, one asked how long we were in town. I told her that we were there for about 8 weeks of training. About this time she says, "Well hell, were here for 5 weeks of training, do you mean to tell me that if I stayed here an extra 3 weeks I could be a pilot!?".

I laughed so hard I spit my beer into the pool at that point, and she didn't get what was funny.

 

[Frap]

Oy. That story again? I wonder how many times that thing's been regurgitated on this board.

If this is truly the conversation that you had, then you have my sincerest apology for doubting your story. But I'm thinkin' it didn't happen.

 

[flyflorida2001]

Oy. That story again? I wonder how many times that thing's been regurgitated on this board.

If this is truly the conversation that you had, then you have my sincerest apology for doubting your story. But I'm thinkin' it didn't happen.

Your apology is accepted!! I know...I couldn't believe it when I heard it. But it is the truth!!

 

[Fly-By-Cable]

1. While deadheading in uniform:

Pax: “so…do you have to ride so many times as a passenger in this plane before they let you fly it?”

Me: “unfortunately yes…once, in each of it's 120 seats”

2. Again deadheading in uniform:

Pax: "are you a pilot?"
Me, staring back for a second, smiling and replying with a question: "are you a passenger?"
Pax: "hehe... why... yes, of course"
Me: "what's your route?"
Pax, smiling: "wow, I was just gonna ask you that same question myself"
Me: "no way!"

3. While greeting passengers at cockpit door during boarding:

Pax: “are you old enough to have a license to fly this plane?”

Me: “no, I only have my learner’s permit…that’s why I brought my dad along. He has a license” <stepping aside to reveal FO sitting in his seat>


4. While awaiting for inbound aircraft at the gate at an outstation:

Pax: “how do you find the way to (our destination)?”
Me, pointing at a towering cumulus cloud in a distance: “its easy…you just go to that cloud and hang a left”


As Jules Winnfield said (Pulp Fiction): “If my answers frighten you, then you should seize asking scary questions”

 

[acaTerry]

No, the scary thing is that stupid people like that can complain and get you in trouble.

What are you doing these days? Find more work in IAD or went elsewhere?

 

[CoAlpha]

sitting right seat looking at the release in PHL (cpt was inside getting coffee) PAX were boarding. Some dumb fat chick walks into the cockpit and says "oh I did not know anyone was in the bathroom, sorry, let me know when you are done." She thought I was taking a dump.

 

[knewhigher]

sitting right seat looking at the release in PHL (cpt was inside getting coffee) PAX were boarding. Some dumb fat chick walks into the cockpit and says "oh I did not know anyone was in the bathroom, sorry, let me know when you are done." She thought I was taking a dump.

hahahahahahahaha