Funniest Thing You've Heard on the Radio?

[dav8or]

PIT Tower: "American I need you to slow 10 knots on final, I going to launch an aircraft between you and the aircraft ahead."

American "We don't feel safe with you trying to sqeeze out that departure between us"

PIT Tower " American slow 10 knots on final"

American "Tower we need a number to call you on the ground"

PIT Tower "Only number your getting is departure, landing clearance cancelled, SEEE YA"

 

[h2oskier]

Back in my freight dog days for Mountain Air Cargo we were departing IAD one morning when the tower controller was a female that the captain and I had met during a tour of the tower a couple of weeks before. I called ready at the end, and she responded with "Mountain 8161, taxi into position and hold, be ready for the immediate, I have traffic on a 3 and a half mile final." Before I could key the mike, the captain says to me "I got this one" then he broadcasts "O.K, Theresa, we'll pull it out and hold it and be ready for you!"

 

[ubpilot]

Cessna 1234: LA Center, Cessna 1234 at 5,500’ VFR to K###
LA Center: Cessna 1234 Roger, altimeter 3003

30 seconds later, LA Center: ????????????????????????????

LA Center: Cessna 1234 I didn’t tell you to squawk 3003, I said Altimeter is 30.03 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[GuppyWN]

LA center. Delta is walking over everybody causing the controller to repeat all clearances. Finally says "LA, Delta XXX 350 sixth call!!!!" LA says, "ah Delta, glad to know who's been stepping on me for the past five minutes."

and years ago.

Center is asking about rides. "AA how's your ride?" AA responds "we've got whitecaps in our coffee." Center asks TWA how his ride is........ "we haven't been served any coffee yet."

 

[DetoXJ]

Whilst taxing out my Avro RJ85 in DTW a few years an A320 was issued clearance to taxi out infront of us. The NWA Airbus f.o. responded something like "taxi in front of the Smurf Jet". Shortly there after, DTW Ground instructed us to follow the NWA A320. My quick witted FO responded "Roger, behind the twin to 21L"

 

[Mookie]

IAH ground..."SkyWest follow the Large RJ (E-170) right to left."

my fo..."Roger follow the jumbo shrimp."
epic.

mookie

 

[KingDriver]

At Teterboro last year, there were about 10 jets in the holding pad waiting for the weather to clear to the south and a G-5 was cleared to taxi from the ramp directly to the runway.

ATC: "Gulfstream XXXX taxi to Runway 24, contact the tower and don't be smug or give anyone the finger as you taxi by everyone".

Of Course, all of us got the bird!

Last week coming out of LAS a citation was leading the pack on the east departure gate.

Citation XXX: Las Vegas Departure, can Citation XXXX go normal speed?"
ATC: What's that?????????? 170?

 

[Stifler's Mom]

Going into JFK, late at night, landing on 31R...approach asks Virgin Atlantic what speed they were doing.

VA: "We're slowed to 160 knots."

NYC: "That's funny, I don't remember giving you anything than slower than 250 knots. You're in a jet aircraft, number one for the airport, and you decide to slow to 160 knots without telling me."

VA: (Totally caught offgaurd) "We're terribly sorry about that."

NYC: "I've got airplanes all over the place overtaking you. Turn to XXX Heading"

NYC had kicked him out of the approach lineup.

Welcome to the United States enjoy your stay!!!!!!!!

 

[txpilot1_99]

Freight dogging it this summer, dodging storms in the Midwest, on center I overheard this (paraphrased):

Delta XXX: Indy Center, Delta XXX, requesting deviation to the right, we're in some weather.

Center: Delta XXX, approved, but it looks like your heading into worse stuff that way.

Delta: Well, we think your RADAR might have a better picture of this stuff, what do you recommend?

Center: Well, I wouldn't have went that was in the first place. You're right in the middle of the stuff. Any deviations approved.

 

[wmuflyguy]

In albany while holding short of runway a B1900 lands, as he is taxxing off the runway he asks.

B1900: Hey tower why is the VOR out?
Unknown voice: Cause you touch yourself at nite.
Tower: Uh..........it lost power this morning

What a family guy quote.

 

[be-400xpdriver]

Summer 2003 at DEN while Great Lakes Pilots tried a slow down.United "Hey tower whats up with Lakes they are taxing really slow, are they doing some kinda of slow down?"DEN Ground " Yeah, Kinda reminds me of you guys in 2000"

 

[be-400xpdriver]

While flying from AMA to DEN on ABQ center a Conquest had a stuck mike.Conquest "ABQ center Conquest xyz at 230, (long pause approx 3 min.) can you hear him?" conquest pilots starts having a conversation with his pax or other pilot, repeatly ask can you hear me, how about now?ABQ Center "Conquest xyz ABQ center you have had a stuck mike"Conquest "Roger I have a stuck mike." Starts having a another conversation, again ask can you hear me?3 minuter later. ABQ Center " Conquest xyz I SAID you have a stuck mike dont not talk respong to my instructions with a ident.After I had been cleared to DEN center I switched back to ABQ and said "Can you hear me know"ABQ Center " GOD DAMIT CONQUEST XYZ I SAID ONLY RESPOND WITH YOUR IDENT"Conquest "IT WAS NOT ME SIR, Can you hear me? Damit not again."

 

[91100 100 set]

Couple of years ago, we were taxing into the gate at PIT. We were converging with a USAirways 757 on a perpendicular taxiway, and neither us nor the 757 had instructions to give way or not. So we both come to a stop, and after a few seconds the 757 starts to roll out in front of us. At this point, ground says "Allegheny, give way to the 757". The 757 says, "we're bigger anyway", not in a demeaning way, and we couldn't care either way who went first, but as he straightened out in front of us, about 10 feet off the centerline, the captain I'm with says "so big you can't find the centerline, big guy?".

 

[Booker]

Relayed to me from a friend: Don't remember who or where, but an apparently heavy 777 was taxiing very slowly while leading a line, comes to a slight hump in the taxiway, and all but stops. Ground asked the 777 to hurry up, and the reply was, "It's hard to get it up when you're loaded."

Also: Departed CLT one day behind Mesa. They checked on with departure, who replied, "Air Shuttle xxxx, what do you suppose the odds are that your transponder code would actually be the same as your flight number?"

And to prove I'm not immune: I was flying into AVL, and I landed the Dash 8 with my usual amount of finesse. AVL tower says, "Taxi to the ramp, and next time you're doing your before landing checklist, make sure you engage the autoland function."

 

[sleddriver77]

The tower at Fairbanks, Alaska has a nasty little habit of clearing people to land when they're 20+ miles from the airport if it's really slow, and they just have one guy working Approach/Tower/Ground/Clearance from the tower cab. One late summer evening, a guy called in with "Approach, Cessna 12345 (position) with (ATIS), request floatpond 19." The guy gave him a squawk, and a few moments later responded with "Floatplane 12345's radar contact (Position), enter left base, cleared to land floatpond 19." He acknowledged the clearance, and some time passed. Then, apparently the tower had the airplane in sight. He watched him turn final for the float pond, and probably a mile final, tower (very slowly, and enunciating) made the following transmission: "Cessna 12345, Ummmm...you ARE cleared to land floatpond 19; BE ADVISED SIR, YOU ARE NOT ON FLOATS! Say intentions?" The response was "Oh Sh!t, um, yeah, hey how 'bout 19L? And while you're at it, you can make that callsign Cessna 56789, instead, too." The controller was laughing so hard he could barely clear the guy to land on 19L.

This led up to what happened next.

The controller was probably still recovering from the "floatplane" incident, when an Alaska 737 checked in. The controller cleared him to land on 19L. (19L at the time was a 3200X60 runway.) There was a pause, followed by "Well, looks a little tight, but we'll try it" from Alaska. The controller corrected himself, issued the guy the right side, and said something to the effect of, "you're sure welcome to try it, why not? At least I gave you a hard surface. Just had a guy in a 185 on wheels request the floatpond!"

 

[BlackPilot628]

About 3 weeks ago the weather was pretty bad in ORD. When MDW is landing to SE on 13C ORD can only depart 2 runways. One this day the winds were 17019G29. The 2 runway available were 14L and 27R. Well, No one could take 27R because of the winds, accept Polar's B747. To make a long story short, we were number 83 for T/O 14L. Anyone that flies into ORD during these times of trouble know how they weave us through the UAL and AA hangers.
There was a Skywest CRJ7 that needed to return to the gate for fuel. Ground was super busy. Skywest continued to say " We need to return to the gate for fuel....". Instead of SKW just saying that, he added a few other sentences and spoke very slowly. My Capt and I were just like, Spit it out SKW. About that time, Ground comes on and says; " SKW6XXX, Stop talking sir, just hush. I heard you and I'll get back to you when I can. But, PLEASE stop talking!"

 

[aa73]

"AMERICAN 694 SAY SPEED!"

"Oh we're really hauling a$$ up here, 694."

"AMERICAN 694 I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE CARRYING.... SAY SPEED!"

 

[wmuflyguy]

In JAX as i was getting the clearance back to LGA.

Me: comair xxx, lga, mike
Clearance: Well Comair would you like the good news or the bad news first
Me: how about the bad news
Clearance: You have a EDC 0135Z (It was 2235Z)
Me: Uh...ok 0135Z as in 3 hours from now?
Clearnace: Yes sir
Me: Whats the goodnews?
Clearance: Well your cleared as filed, Sqwuak 1234, have a nice dinner

 

[propjockey]

This summer we were parked in ORD waiting for a gate along with a lot of other planes. While we were monitoring ground frequency, we heard the controller give instructions to another regional flight to hold at a certain taxiway intersection. I'm guessing this guy was a fairly junior FO. Now I have nothing against junior FOs. I used to be one. It just seems that sometimes they don't know what they don't know, because instead of reading back the controller's instructions, he suggested that maybe they could hold in the penalty box instead, to which the ground controller replied:

"The penalty box... What a great idea! I wish I'd thought of that -- oh wait -- it's FULL!"

 

[EHE2]

waterski out of iad...."Can we get layed?"