Idiotic Radio Calls

[mainah]

Heard this yesterday over Minneapolis Center...

"Center, NWA XXX leaving 10 for 230 and headed to Grand..., Grand..., ah, somewhere."

 

[KINGAIR PIC]

Going into Houston, TX (IAH) one day and the controller was telling all the airliners to, "descend at copilots discretion to maintain XXX altitude." Have heard the same controller a few times going in there, he seems like he's always got something funny to say. He must really love his job.

Another time leaving out of Houston, the controller saw that I was heading back to New Orleans, and asked me on my next trip back to "bring him a sack of crawfish." Thought that was funny.

 

[whereamI]

Heard this one today.

Approach: NW XXXX descend and maintain 2500, advise you have Papa.

NW: Standby

NW: (a minute later) Uh, where is Papa. We can't find it on our chart.

Approach: That's because it's the current ATIS information.

 

[LearLove]

Last month (july 2003) going into LGA using the expressway 31 visual approach we herd this:

ATC: Chautauqua 1234 decend to 2500, direct to the tanks, cleared express way 31 approach.

Chautauqua 1234 (female voice), she stumbles thru the readback of the above clearance then a short pause and you hear:

"what are the tanks ?"

The controller answers back but you could tell he was trying not to laugh his a$$ off. In the background as he's explaining the tanks you can hear every other controller laughing.

 

[furloaded]

Here are a couple of politically incorrect ones. One I heard myself, one a captain I flew with.

In DCA during the USAir female hiring binge:

Female voice: " DC ground, ah ..... USAir XX ah...."
Backgound voice: " .. at gate XX..."
F.V. : " at gate XX.... ah..."
B.V. : "ready for pushback..."
F.V. : "ready for pushback"

a few seconds of silence, but the mike was still keyed

B.V. " ok, let go of the mike now"


Next one:

Center: " United XX say flight conditions"
United: " we're above the trope "
C: "say again ?"
U: " we're above the trope "
C: " I'm unfamiliar with that term. what does that mean?"
U: " I'm stating that I am above the tropopause and if you had the kind of weather training that we get here at United you would know that there is no weather here"

several seconds of silence

New voice, some other plane

"hey United"

U:" go ahead"

New Voice " F**k you !!"

 

[Mercy98]

Actually overheard on SAN tracon many moons ago:

A Centurion was being vectored for a downwind to Lindberg field from the northwest and was having trouble finding it.

Appch: Centurion, airport 12 o'clock and 8 miles report in sight

Centurion: Looking

Appch: Centurion, airport 12 o'clock and 5 miles

Centurion: Looking. (accidentally keeps mike keyed and says) Where the F*** is that G.D. airport. (unkeyes mike)

Appch: Well, Centurion, since you asked, its now 12 o'clock and 3 miles.

Centurion: (Nervous laughter) Oh, o.k. I have it in sight.

Appch: Contact tower, good day.

 

[Airpiraterob]

years and years ago...

KC approach to a student pilot/instructor combo that was approved into the class B and trying to land during the big 5:00 push....causing all kinds of problems for the controller...

"Cessna xxxxx turn right zero-niner-zero, get out of my airspace"

nope...
it was not me.

 

[PilotRon]

Female Pilot On approach into MCO.. "Orlando Appch, Virgin XXXX Heavy on ILS to 18R." ..........reply, " Don't take this personally ma'am, Virgin xxxx Heavy, Descend to 3000."

 

[skidbuggy]

Hi,

A few years ago when Comair was running all their "Hired" ads in all the magazines.... Holding short runway 4 at LGA during a single runway operation a Comair CRJ touched down nosewheel first and bounced a couple of times. I couldn't resist and keyed the mic, "HIRED".

Bye

 

[Alaskaairlines]

These are great guys! Keep them coming! I haven't been in flying enough to give some input, but have a great laugh reading them!

 

[DC8Driver]

First time I went into ORD and was trying to read back a rather long taxi instruction.
After I screwed the readback up twice the ground controller said " Ask the old guy sittin to yer left, he knows what I said".

About 10 years ago on Castle Approach freq. I heard a thick middle eastern accent......." Academy 17......Praise Allah I am lost!!!!!!"

 

[AceCrackshot]

I'm dorking up as usually coming out of STL the other day...

Forget to turn on the transponder before t/o...

STL Departure: "Chautauqua 5xxx, turn on your transponder and turn to two-wun-zero...zero."

Captain: "Roger, flipping the switch and turning to a twenty one hundred heading."

To me: "Guy wants us to be perfect, right."

Me:"Is that like 6 360's?"

Maybe you just had to be there.

 

[FSB99]

the "where are the tanks?" story reminds me of the first time i went into la guardia...

coming in from the west, descending to 3000 (i think.. anyway..) approach asked if we were out of the clouds yet.. i happily said, "yep!" so the controller told me to fly "direct the lady, direct the bridge, contact so-and-so."
i was so baffled, had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, and must have had a seriously befuddled look on my face, as i glanced over for help from my captain.. he just smiled at me, and took the readback for me. then, he kindly told me to just "sit back, relax, enjoy the sightseeing.. i've got it from here!"

 

[r1830]

I overheard this conversation in Anchorage a couple of summers ago while waiting for takeoff behind 4 other aircraft.

Tower: "Continental XXX Clear for takeoff Runway 32."

Continental XXX: "Uhh Tower, the Flight Attendent just told us a passenger went into the lav, we need to wait."

Tower: " Roger, cancel TO clearance and taxi into postion and hold."

Unknown: "Hope its number 1 and not number 2."

Continental XXX: "It must have been number 1, he is done and we are ready for TO."

Tower: (laughing in the background)"Roger, Continental XXX you are cleared for TO."

---------------------

Runway 14/32 is closed till the end of Sept for reconstuction. The closure is on every Atis, in the Notams and even in the Jepp charts. Heard this coversation in June on approach one busy evening when the surface winds were 140 at 25G35.

Approach:"United XXX descend and maintain 6000 expect runway 6R for landing."

United XXX: "Down to 6000 runway 6R would like to put runway 14 on request."

Approach:"Unable 14, expect 6R"

United XXX: "We would really like runway 14."

Approach: "If you can hold till October 1 when the runway reopens, I will give it to you, otherwise expect 6R."

United XXX: "Uhh, we will take 6R, United XXX."

I have heard several other similar conversations this summer along those some lines.

 

[r1830]

One of my college instructors used to fly B-52s when they first became operational. He had several stories about "Dangerous Dan," his copilot for several years. This one is my favorites.

Note: The B52 has water injection that can be used to get more power for takeoff but your not supposed to use it if the engine anti-ice is on.

They were taking off in horrible winter weather(low ceiling with icing present) with the engine anti-ice on. Dangerous Dan decided to turn on the water injection at about 400 feet. All eight engines compressor stalled and shot flames out the foward end. As the Captain reached to select manual ignition, Tower calls up and says, " Flight XXX we observed a large ball of fire when you entered the clouds." The short reply from Flight XXX, "So did we!"

 

[Greg]

These are too good to let slide on the 2nd page. Keep them coming.

 

[Rich Man]

Back to top

I agree, back to the top.

Very good stories, keep 'em coming


Rich!

 

[wanabe_fo]

NY Center

I was around the Elmira area and heard an exchange that went something like this a few years ago.


Piedmont: Piedmont xxxx with you 17 thousand looking for Syracuse.
NY Center: Well it is the town about 150 miles north of your present position.
Piedmont(other voice)laughter in background) Any chance we can go direct
NY Center: Sure but you are going to have to ask nicely
Piedmont(original voice): May we please go direct to Syracuse
NY Center: O....alright, piedmont xxxxdirect Syracuse

Also heard a guy arguing with a NY center controller because he did not want to get re-routed around NY B for his trip to the Boston area. He finally asked the guy if he cancelled IFR if he could resume GPS direct to his destination. The controller said, sure you can cancel and go direct but I doubt NY Approach is going to let you thru the class B as your flight path takes you right thru the arrivals for EWR and departures for JFK. He decided to take his chances and cancelled IFR. Well I happened to be roughly in the same area and was put on NY approach shortly before he was. When he checked on NY Approach denied him access to the B and he ended up going all the way around anyway.

 

[Sandstorm]

Heard just a couple days ago at ORD waiting in line for 22L. Aero Mexico called for taxi from the international ramp. After getting taxi instructions the MD80 started to taxi. It was obvious he started to make a wrong turn when ground came back and shouted "don't turn there aero mexico, thats a road!"

 

[Captain X]

#1 -- An AAL 727 had diverted to into IAH earlier and was now back in line to try and get to DFW. Unfortunately, the same thunderstorms had all northbound departures stopped out of IAH. We were behind the 727:

TWR: "Hey American XXX, they just opened up the north departure gate. Can you be ready in 5 minutes?"

AAL: "Yeah, but we need to crossbleed start an engine so you may wanna tell that Barbie Jet behind us that we're gonna blow 'em around."

TWR: "Roger. Jetlink XXXX did you copy?"

XJT: "Yeah tower, you can tell American he can go ahead and blow me."

#2 -- For those who don't know, the CAL strike took place between 1983-1985. Many strikebreakers (SCABS) crossed the picket line. They are held with much disdain by those who were full time strikers as well as other professional airline pilots industry-wide. Needless to say, some of the "Super-SCABS" -- those that are proud of their past -- can be real a**holes. Our CP was working a flight out to COS. There was a CAL MD-80 (popular equip. for SCABs in the left seat) at a higher altitude going to DIA.

CAL: "Center, can you see if those Express Kids down there have the winds at FL270?"

CTR: "Jetlink XXXX, do you have the winds at FL270?"

XJT: (Miffed at the "Kids" comment) "Yeah center, you can tell 'em that the winds are right in our face at about 83 to 85."

CAL: "Well, that was uncalled for."

XJT: "Hey buddy, so were your actions 18 years ago."

CTR: "Alright fellas....but he does have a good point CAL. Contact Denver center on XXX.X"