Idiotic Radio Calls

[LR25]

One day at JAX, not long after 9/11..

"JAX APP CAP flight XYZ 15 miles out to pick our clearance"

"Roger CAP flight, I dont have anything on you, did you file a flight plan?"

"Yes, do you not have it?"

"Nothing here, you might want to call flight service, but I would make it fast becuase the F-15's are scrambling"

"Yes sir, we will go back to the airport and land!"

He wasnt kidding, the National Guard F-15's were just turning the engines as we pulled out onto the runway for takeoff.

 

[Be200pilot]

got this one from cleveland center last fall

center: King Air 1234 how do you read this transmiter?

Us: You seem a little weak

center: Yeah Ive been called that before but I'm sure you're no Chuck Yeager.

 

[DrewBlows]

Heard recently on the tower freq in Battle Creek, MI.

Background: Pfizer recently bought out Pharmacia and replaced Pharmacia's Citations with new EMB-135s. The crews getting checked out in the new airplanes had been doing pattern work at BTL and had pulled onto the ramp to switch crews when this conversation took place. It was the middle of the day with a full traffic pattern (mostly 172's).

TWR: Welcome to Battle Creek, you should come here more often.

EMB: Thanks, we used to be Citation 1UP and 2UP, we've gotten a little bigger.

TWR (without skipping a beat): Oh, it must be those little blue pills.

(Those who know what little blue pills Pfizer makes will find this funny, I think)

 

[8HourPilot]

CLE ATC:Mooney 404XX Caution wake turbulance Arriving ATR42 Runway 23L, youre cleared to land RWY 23R.

CLE ATC:Mooney 404XX I see you passed the ATR on Final.

CLE ATC: Jetlink 3214 Caution Wake Turbulance Arriving Mooney.

 

[8HourPilot]

We all cant count how many interesting radio calls that particualr tower contraooler has made over the years.

"How about another right 360"

 

[Skull-One]

Okay I'll bite... This one goes back to my flight instructing days.

I was in San Antonio for a year flying 152s and Grumman Cougars. Needless to say, when it is 112 degrees outside and you've been flying for nine hours....you aren't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

We're on final for the right side with a 737 hauling up our arse. I told the controller we could sidestep to the other side if it would help.

"I *SAID* 'CLEARED TO LAND, NINER *RIGHT*!'" the controller replied.

"Roger, cleared to land niner right, Cessna 12345."

I then proceeded to mutter to my student, "Gawd a m n what an a$$hole. I don't know what crawled up his a$$ and died, I was only trying to be helpful. Sheesh." *pause* "He didn't have to be such a d*ck about it." Long silence during which time I begin to suspect a stuck mike. I tried to gracefully exit. "Well...actually, he's just trying to do his job. He's not the d*ckhead, I am." *Click* (Sound of me unsticking mike.)

"Cessna 12345, you guys need to pay attention to your equipment. You've had a stuck mike for about thirty seconds."

WOOPS...............

Before switching to ground I managed to say, "Great job sir, previous comments notwithstanding."

D'OH! What a lunkhead.

 

[Skull-One]

Just recalled another one. I was in the tower at Stinson Field in San Antonio watching one of my students solo. Tower clears a 172 to land and we hear, "Skyhawk 12345 cleared to land. Okay, baby, he said you are cleared to land. Now, bring it on down nice and easy. Watch the sink rate....little more power. Keep it coming....looking good. Okay, now don't forget to flare. Come on, pull it up....more more more! BACK PRESSURE OH SH*T! <THUD!> G A W D A M N I T NOT LIKE THAT! D A M N I T you always do that!"

This went on for another 90 seconds until they figured out the issue... HEHEHEH. *PRICELESS.*

 

[OneTuffGuy]

found the following on a website...enjoy!!!


ALTERNATE AIRPORT: The area directly beyond the active runway when the engine quits on take off

ALTIMETER SETTING: The place where the altimeter sets. Usually hidden by the control column during a near-minimums instrument approach.

BANK: The folks who hold the mortgage on your aircraft.

BI-PLANE: What you'll say to your bird if flying costs keep going up

CARBURETOR ICE: Phrase used by pilots when explaining accident caused by fuel exhaustion.

"CLEAR": Warning shouted two seconds after hitting the starter button.

CONTROL TOWER: A small shack on stilts inhabited by government pensioners who can't hear. When they become blind, they are sent to centres.

CRITICAL ALTITUDE: Minus six feet.

CRITICAL ENGINE: That part of your airplane which used to be under the cowl, but is now in intensive care at the maintenance shop.

DEAD RECKONING: You reckon correctly, or you are.

DE-ICER: A device designed to operate under all weather conditions, except icing.

ENGINE FAILURE: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.

FIREWALL: Section of aircraft especially designed to allow all engine heat and smoke to fill the cockpit.

GLIDING DISTANCE: Half the distance from your present position to the nearest decent landing area at the time of complete power failure.

GROSS WEIGHT: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus an extra suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag, bowling ball, and diving weights.

HOLDING PATTERN: The term applied to the dogfight in progress over any radio facility serving a terminal airport.

RANGE: Five miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks have become filled with air.

WALKAROUND: What you do when waiting for weather to clear.

 

[SmackYourPappy]

"Cinci Tower, Blueridge 6983 checking in 18L and looking for a job!" A number of comments from Comair and Delta pilots in line for takeoff..............................................................! Tower Laughs

Aint that the truth.... hang in there bro- this is gonna be fun!

 

[BaronFR8Dog]

Otto, I fly single pilot freight at night and have been for two years. I have NEVER even come close to running out of fuel.

Fuel management is the most basic of piloting tasks. Anyone who can't do this should not be flying.

IMO, any one of these nitwits who run out of furel and land on highways or in fields should be revoked for two years minimum.

What's the old saying: The only time you can have too much fuel is when you're on fire!