Idiotic Radio Calls

[bailout]

The best one I have heard recently last week in ATL...

From a Comair female pilot (don't know if she was Capt or F/O)

Heard on ATL GROUND freq.-

"Hello Ops this is Comair 5xxx, this is my first time in ATL and was wondering if you guys have maint on the field here or do you have to call someone? because in Cincinatti we have maint on the field and I was just wondering because we need to have something looked at."

ATL Ground- "I'm not even going there, call your company"

 

[Gator1999]

From the check your audio panel before you transmit department:

Recently overheard in Memphis waiting to push.

NWA XXX (on ramp freq): Northwest XXX Bravo 8 push.
Ramp (female voice): Northwest XXX hold the push, I'll call you back.
A few seconds later...
NWA XXX: Hey thanks for the blowjob
Ramp: No problem...anytime.

 

[megreene]

In BOS a couple of months ago, involving a USAIR mainline, and Chautauqua 145:

BOS GND: US Airways, give way to the RJ in front of you
USAIR: Roger, give way to the replacement jet.
CHQ: You'll be in one soon enough.


Had a good laugh.

 

[Lopaka]

We were in the FBO in TVI where a 172 had just cranked up. They start off across the ramp and stop before the taxiway and make the call:

C 123: Thomasville unicom, Cessna 123
Unicom: Go ahead Cessna 123
C 123: Yes sir, we'd like to taxi to RW 04 if that's alright
Unicom: Fine taxi to 4
C123: Roger taxing to RW 04

You gotta wonder when someone asks unicom for a clearance.

 

[wxman13]

This exchange took place a few months ago when I was up practicing approaches with my instructor.

Chinook: "Cessna 345, would you like vectors or the procedure turn for the VOR approach?"

Me: (pause) "Yes."

Chinook: (agitated) Cessna 345, that's not an acceptable answer. Which one would you like, vectors or the procedure turn?"

Yes, I felt like a dumba$$ after that. It was just one of those days.

 

[Brett Hull]

Yesterday afternoon after landing at FCI and waiting for a mooney to taxi by the intersection:

Mooney: Where y'all comin' in from learrrrr?

Me (in the salsa commercial new york accent): New Yark Cityyy.

Mooney: Well we're gooiiinn to gawddds country - Narthh Caralina.

Me: Well all right. Have a good time.

 

[RedheadCFI]

More ATC fun...

I was flying with a CFI-I student from North Carolina with a deep southern accent into Fort Lauderdale Executive. The controllers were rather busy. We were shooting approaches, and this guy was barking off orders left and right. I was looking at the plate comprehending the missed as the controller was giving it to us. My student asked him to repeat it and the controller did in about a half a millisecond talking through his teeth. Next thing I know I hear my student reply back, "Son, why don't you spit those marbles outta your mouth and repeat that clearance one more time."
--------------------------------------
This happened when the controller had about a dozen cessna's doing touch n' go's in the pattern...

Twr: Clear for touch'n'go 36L
Student: clear for touch'n'go 36L
Student: Tower, there are hawks circling on final what should I do
Twr: Stay focused they will not attack, try not to corner them

These guys in mdh's tower are usually straight edge so it was nice to hear them lighten up a bit.

 

[fracflyer]

Flying into ATL this last spring.

ATL Approach: Air France 471 cross (intersection) at 12 thousand, 250 knots.

Air France: Vee Vill cross (intersection) 12 thousand, 250 knots. Air France 471

Unknown Aircraft: I’d like to veto that.

 

[jetexas]

Flying over some weather over Tennesee the other day I heard the following between center and a crusty sounding NWA pilot:

Center: "NW ___ Can you make it over Tupelo at ___ altitude??"
NWA : "Uhhhh, (southern drawl) we'd like to keep her high as long as we can to get over some weather, then dump her down"
Center: "Ok, well keep her high if you need to then dump her over Tupelo"
NWA: "Ok, well I'm from Tupelo so I'm used to taking a dump there"

 

[FlyboyPhil]

SFO earlier today... 3-4 planes in line for each of the 1s and the 747s taxiing down to the 28s, united comes up on tower "united xxx holding short 1R", tower replies "you are monitoring loud and clear..."
Lifeguard checks in on a 7-8 mile final.. gets a "continue" and then procedes to ask twice for his landing clearance instead of continueing...
28 minutes from out to off on that one.. what fun... got to listen to lots of chatter on the tower freq...

 

[Freight Dog]

The other day, we're following a Shorts 360 on a visual

Me: Aloha XXX on a visual for 35, lost the Shorts.

TWR: Shorts' on the ground..

 

[flying4food]

Good lord, we all know that you got these from avweb. Try being original, you jerk off.

Well excuse me, a friend passed those on to me a month or so ago,, BTW, grow up!!!

 

[FmrFreightDog]

This one came to me second hand, so I can't personally vouch for it, but.....


Northwest 747 freighter and ANG C-5 taxiing out in ANC at the same time about 8 years ago or so....

ANC GND tells the C-5 to follow Northwest, and the C-5 guy decides to get cute about it....

"Sure, we'll follow the little guy..."
"Hey Northwest, that's a cute airplane, did you make it yourself?"
etc, etc, etc...... All the while, the 747 crew is getting more and more fed up.....

Finally, the C-5 guy says, "Hey, what's that little guy gross out at, anyway?"

One of the NW guys grabs the mic and says, "About 250,000 dollars a year last time I checked.... And yourself??"

Predictable silence from the C-5

____________________________________________________

Also secondhand, but from the same reliable source......

Right after they built the new runways and the midfield terminal in ATL, the controllers hadn't quite gotten into their rhythm about when to launch and when to cross aircraft that had landed. Anyway, there was one particularly crusty old Eastern captain from back in the DC-3 era who was bumping up against retirement and he had been waiting quite a while to cross the inboard. Conversation goes like this.....

EAL: "Hey, were you going to let Eastern 123 cross anytime this week?"

ATL: "Tell you what, Eastern... you worry about holding the brakes, and I'll worry about getting you to the gate. Sound fair?"

EAL: "Tell you what, Tower... why don't I come up there and kick your ass across the ramp?"

ATL: "Um.. yeah.. ok, you're cleared to cross 27R."

Ahh, the good old days.

 

[upndsky]

This happened a couple of years ago while flying a ragged-out C-172 from NC to Charlottesville, VA. I was getting flight following from Richmond Approach when the transponder began to act up, losing the Mode C and then Identing all on its own. After fiddleing with it awhile, the transponder started working again. What makes this next exchange interesting is that the controller was female!

RIC: Cessna 123, looks like that transponder is working again.

Me: Yeah, you just have to hit it a couple of times to make it work right.

RIC: Yeah, just like a wife!

How do your reply to that?

 

[TheAmazingRando]

BTW, grow up!!! [/B][/QUOTE]

Hey, I became a pilot so I didn't have to grow up!

 

[fracflyer]

CLE Center: United 256, Slow to minimum speed. They're holding for Chicago.

United 256: How slow do you want us to go?

CLE Center: Slow down until you get scared. That'll be slow enough.

 

[inthepool]

Heard this afternoon at Spirit of St. Louis (SUS)

Hawker: "Afternoon Spirit Tower, Hawker 12345 checking in with you, about to make a beautiful landing"

Tower: "Hawker 12345 you're cleared to land 8R, and it better be beautiful 'cause we're all watching."

The Hawker lands, and the following is heard:

Tower: "Hawker 12345 make a left at the next highspeed, contact ground .7, and you got a 9.5, a 9.25, and a 7.5 from the Russian judge."

 

[acaTerry]

BTW, grow up!!! [/QUOTE] [/B]
Hey, I became a pilot so I didn't have to grow up!

Obviously not, judging by the waste of reading your posts have been. What are you doing here? Didn't school resume session yet?

 

[chperplt]

Heard this one today

BDL approach: Cessna 12345, I can't find your flight plan, where did you file out of?

Censsna: Ahh.. we filed on www.file.com

 

[ERJDRVR]

Heard on Miami Center last week.



Miami Center ----"Southwest XXXX, Traffic twelve o'clock FL220, a JUNGLE JET "

Southwest XXXX --- " Southwest XXX. looking for traffic"

Miami Center ----" Chautauqua 6XXX, Traffic 12 o'clock, 7-3-7, FL 200"

Chautauqua 6XXX ---" Center, we prefer the term
SOUTH AMERICAN REGIONAL TRANSPORTATION "

Miami Center (confused) ----"Uh, there is no way I can remember that, I will just call you a E145"

USAIR XXX ----" We call them career inhibitors"

Chautauqua 6XXX ---"That's what we call you old crusty guys that put us all in this position in the first place"


............DEAD SILENCE........