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Heavy_D_Driver
Active member
- Joined
- May 5, 2003
- Posts
- 41
Slowed for the bumps
A few weeks ago we were coming into DEN from the west (over the mountains) and there was continuous moderate turbulence so we were going pretty slow on the arrival. DEN approach put a UAL 757 behind us (us being in a BE-1900D) and then there was another company 1900D behind the 757. The following exchange took place:
DEN Approach: "United 571, slow to 170 then descend and maintain 11.000."
United 571: "Allright slow to 170 first, then down to 11,000"
-Then A Short Pause-
United 571: "What are we following, a baloon?"
DEN Approach: "Negative sir, you're following a Beech 1900 airliner."
A few minutes later we were cleared for a visual approach 16L as was the 757 and the 1900 behind him. By this time the air was smooth again and everyone had been able to pick their speed up again, that is everyone except the 757 because they don't slow down quite like a 1900 does on approach.
DEN Tower: "Lakes Air 106, could you pull it back a little? You've got a 100 knot overtake on the 757 in front of you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another humorous (but painfully true) transmission heard:
Alaska 733: "Denver Center, Alaska 733, we're getting continuous moderate turbulence here at 350, are the rides any better down low?"
DEN Center: "Alaska 733, I haven't had any ride reports in that area sir."
Then a Big Sky Metroliner pilot decided to chime in-
Big Sky 3712: "Denver Center, Big Sky 3712, the ride down here at 180 is smooth."
Alaska 733: "But how is the pay down there at 180?"
No response from center.
Burned
A few weeks ago we were coming into DEN from the west (over the mountains) and there was continuous moderate turbulence so we were going pretty slow on the arrival. DEN approach put a UAL 757 behind us (us being in a BE-1900D) and then there was another company 1900D behind the 757. The following exchange took place:
DEN Approach: "United 571, slow to 170 then descend and maintain 11.000."
United 571: "Allright slow to 170 first, then down to 11,000"
-Then A Short Pause-
United 571: "What are we following, a baloon?"
DEN Approach: "Negative sir, you're following a Beech 1900 airliner."
A few minutes later we were cleared for a visual approach 16L as was the 757 and the 1900 behind him. By this time the air was smooth again and everyone had been able to pick their speed up again, that is everyone except the 757 because they don't slow down quite like a 1900 does on approach.
DEN Tower: "Lakes Air 106, could you pull it back a little? You've got a 100 knot overtake on the 757 in front of you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another humorous (but painfully true) transmission heard:
Alaska 733: "Denver Center, Alaska 733, we're getting continuous moderate turbulence here at 350, are the rides any better down low?"
DEN Center: "Alaska 733, I haven't had any ride reports in that area sir."
Then a Big Sky Metroliner pilot decided to chime in-
Big Sky 3712: "Denver Center, Big Sky 3712, the ride down here at 180 is smooth."
Alaska 733: "But how is the pay down there at 180?"
No response from center.
Burned
CWASaab
Well... Not anymore
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2002
- Posts
- 122
I know we all have our favorites, but the folks in Chicago center have always been good to work with....
So here is one from a few years ago:
A little background, our standard filed flight plan between dtw and cwa was nowhere near direct, and w/o any form of legal lnav, and us being lazy pilots, we would always ask for a heading for stevens point, a VOR just to the south of CWA. Normally CLE wouldn't give us anything but ORD always did (In five years I flew the filed once, and that was for WX). This flight CLE gave us direct MKG then a couple of ariways to Steven Point. When we were approaching MKG the prospect of having to navigate via airways prompted this exchange:
Me: "Chicago Center, Mesaba xxxx any chance of a heading for Stevens Point?"
ORD: "Yeah, there's a chance."
(after a brief pause)
Me: "Ok, how good of a chance?"
ORD: "Well, since I didn't laugh at you right away I would say you have a pretty good chance.... Mesaba xxxx turn right two degrees, direct stevens point when able."
Me: "two degrees right for the point."
ORD: "Mesaba xxxx make it a tight turn please"
Me: "roger tight turn"
So here is one from a few years ago:
A little background, our standard filed flight plan between dtw and cwa was nowhere near direct, and w/o any form of legal lnav, and us being lazy pilots, we would always ask for a heading for stevens point, a VOR just to the south of CWA. Normally CLE wouldn't give us anything but ORD always did (In five years I flew the filed once, and that was for WX). This flight CLE gave us direct MKG then a couple of ariways to Steven Point. When we were approaching MKG the prospect of having to navigate via airways prompted this exchange:
Me: "Chicago Center, Mesaba xxxx any chance of a heading for Stevens Point?"
ORD: "Yeah, there's a chance."
(after a brief pause)
Me: "Ok, how good of a chance?"
ORD: "Well, since I didn't laugh at you right away I would say you have a pretty good chance.... Mesaba xxxx turn right two degrees, direct stevens point when able."
Me: "two degrees right for the point."
ORD: "Mesaba xxxx make it a tight turn please"
Me: "roger tight turn"
flying4food
Well-known member
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2002
- Posts
- 171
These one-liners and comments are pretty hilarious!!! Most are from the cabin crew!!
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
******
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."
******
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like
to have."
*****
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane."
******
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
******
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
******
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
******
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
******
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your
favorite.
******
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
******
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
******
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children...or other adults acting like children."
******
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."
******
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none
of them are on this flight!"
******
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
******
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"
******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
******
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I
ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The
little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
******
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
think of US Airways."
******
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good
and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the
captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant
brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should
see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing.
He should see the back of mine!"
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
******
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."
******
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like
to have."
*****
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane."
******
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
******
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
******
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
******
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
******
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your
favorite.
******
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
******
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
******
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children...or other adults acting like children."
******
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."
******
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none
of them are on this flight!"
******
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
******
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"
******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
******
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I
ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The
little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
******
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
think of US Airways."
******
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good
and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the
captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant
brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should
see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing.
He should see the back of mine!"
acaTerry
SAPM
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2001
- Posts
- 2,393
One day flying under NY centers control, they gave a UAL (I think) pilot an instruction to descend to some altitude significantly lower than they were.
Anyway, after a couple minutes the controller tells them to "give me a good rate". The UAL guy says one of the funniest things I ever heard:
"Okay, United 123 coming down like a Bonanza full of doctors"....
Anyway, after a couple minutes the controller tells them to "give me a good rate". The UAL guy says one of the funniest things I ever heard:
"Okay, United 123 coming down like a Bonanza full of doctors"....
great cornholio
Are you threatening me??
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2003
- Posts
- 792
Brbrpole2theOM
Member
- Joined
- Jul 26, 2003
- Posts
- 6
Listened to this one while taxiing out to 34R in DEN,
Two light singles, one a RV6 or RV8, and the other a Bonanza were doing a fly by the tower approaching from the NW crossing over 34R. Lakes in Position 34R waiting for aircraft to pass, United 757 Holding short, several other aircraft taxing out.
Lakes: Hey tower, what's the occasion with the small aircraft flying by.
Tower: The guy just built his aircraft and is showing it to us. He works here.
United: Well, I work here, can I fly my aircraft over the tower.
Tower: Give us a call after you complete it, and we will try to arrange something.
United: I was actually thinking about using my 757
Tower Supervisor: Sure, but I hope you like filling out paperwork.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one happend to a buddy of mine.
Vis is low in DEN, everyone is lined up. United is just a couple miles from the Outer Marker, Lakes is in trail.
Approach: United XXX, visibility Rwy 7 has dropped to less than 1/4 mile, do you wish to continue the approach?
United: No sir we can't take that, we need a different runway.
Approach: United XXX, turn right heading 170 vectors 35R
Approach: Lakes Air XXX, Visibility Rwy 7 is less than 1/4 mile, would you like to continue the approach.
Lakes Air XXX: What's the RVR?
Approach: 1800 variable 2400
Lakes Air XXX: Sure, we'll continue
United XXX: Any chance of getting back on the approach
Approach: Not for about 10 -15 min. Continue heading 170
Ooops
Two light singles, one a RV6 or RV8, and the other a Bonanza were doing a fly by the tower approaching from the NW crossing over 34R. Lakes in Position 34R waiting for aircraft to pass, United 757 Holding short, several other aircraft taxing out.
Lakes: Hey tower, what's the occasion with the small aircraft flying by.
Tower: The guy just built his aircraft and is showing it to us. He works here.
United: Well, I work here, can I fly my aircraft over the tower.
Tower: Give us a call after you complete it, and we will try to arrange something.
United: I was actually thinking about using my 757
Tower Supervisor: Sure, but I hope you like filling out paperwork.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one happend to a buddy of mine.
Vis is low in DEN, everyone is lined up. United is just a couple miles from the Outer Marker, Lakes is in trail.
Approach: United XXX, visibility Rwy 7 has dropped to less than 1/4 mile, do you wish to continue the approach?
United: No sir we can't take that, we need a different runway.
Approach: United XXX, turn right heading 170 vectors 35R
Approach: Lakes Air XXX, Visibility Rwy 7 is less than 1/4 mile, would you like to continue the approach.
Lakes Air XXX: What's the RVR?
Approach: 1800 variable 2400
Lakes Air XXX: Sure, we'll continue
United XXX: Any chance of getting back on the approach
Approach: Not for about 10 -15 min. Continue heading 170
Ooops
WMU_Drew
Active member
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2002
- Posts
- 31
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