Idiotic Radio Calls

[captjim]

The MD-80 is more commonly known as the scab 80 at CAL.

 

[ataopsdave]

Newark Approach: "Continental XXXX traffic 10 oclock 3 miles is an american jet"

Continental XXXX: "Newark Approach I have always wanted to say this, I have the Fokker in sight.

____________________________________________________

Clearance Delivery: "Aloha 544 you are cleared to LAX via blah blah blah blah

Aloha 544: "we will do all that you just said"

 

[Freight Dog]

heheh... this happened to me a couple days ago:

Me: Clearance, Aloha XXX to Kahului with X-ray.

Clearance: Aloha XXX, you're clearened to Kahu.. uhh.. Kapolei.. uhh.. whatever.. as filed, climb to XXX, departure on 119.1, squawk xxxx.

Me: Um, OK... We're cleared to whatever as filed.. squawk xxxx.

 

[flipflyr]

back up...

I figure I'd bring this thread back closer to the top...

Just heard on Houston center freq. today (mind you, for all of you who weren't flying around the Gulf Coast today - it sucked - constant light, occasional moderate turbulence [pockets of severe] between 16000 and FL350).

SWA checks on: "Houston, Southwest xxxx, out of 15 for 260. It's so bumpy out here I'm having trouble throwin' the peanuts in my mouth!"

Houston: "Well, Southwest, try putting your hand closer to your mouth next time!"

 

[Stifler's Mom]

ATL Tower telling Aero Mexico to cross 27R after landing on 27L.

When Aero Mexico was taking too long, the tower controller said "Aero Mexico, hurry up and cross 27R, UNDULAY, UNDULAY, UNDULAY"

DAL in ATL asked ATL Approach if there were any smooth ride reports...ATC responed with "a smooth ride reported by a MARTA bus 5 East of the airport."

 

[Swaayze]

Coolio yesterday:

"we'll shout 'em out on 123.45" then (we got the same freq change immediately) "xyz 123 comin' atcha climbing..." and soon thereafter receiving a further climb..."we'll shoot it on up to 270". All in about a 5 minute span. We got a good laugh and envisioned the other pilot in the cockpit shaking his head!



"Yeah, I remember my first airline job."

 

[Skull-One]

I remember riding in the J/S on SWA.

Center: "Southwest 592, how's your ride?"

Captain: "Well, let's just say I've got whitecaps in my coffee!"

Center: "592, roger. Expect lower in two minutes."

 

[Gator1999]

Checking in with Washinton Center:

CTR: "What's a Mesaba anyway?"

MSA:"It's an ancient native american term, it means "should've taken the bus."

 

[thesource]

Delta L-1011 talking to ATL approach a while back.

Delta 123 Heavy slow to 140 knots.

Delta pilot, If we slow to 140 we'll fall out of the sky.

Atl, Roger Delta 123 heavy, report leaving all altitudes.

 

[Av8ter]

I was waiting to take off from LAX a few years ago, when a China Airlines 747 on short final approach was talking to the tower confused on where to land after getting cleared to land on the left runway (24L). I was holding to takeoff on the right 24R,

Twr: China 20 heavy, your cleared to land 24L, winds 200/10 contact ground on such and such

China pilot: Ah roger, China cleared to land 24L, right?

Twr: China 20, thats right!

Well you guessed it, that guy made a sharp turn to the right with his lights flashing on my plane and landed on 24R in front of me.

Scared the hell out of me...

 

[jetexas]

(This was told to me by a captain I flew with in the Northeast)

It involved a black UAL pilot, ATC and some wisenheimer.
The weather in the area was bad.
There is a fix for departures off EWR named "white"

ATC: Be advised, all white departures have been cancelled!

Wisenheimer: "Does that mean United can go now?"

UAL: Who said that!! Who said that!! I want the tapes! I want those tapes!

 

[Stick Man]

sexist but funny

An old CA of mine never said it on the radio but always pretended to say it by clicking on the PTT button and then unclicking it before he spoke - I secretly wanted him to get a stuck mic whenever he'd do this but it never worked out that way :

Female ERJ pilot: XX Ctr - ABC123 checking on level XXX.

My CA: Brand new airplane and already a crack on the seat.

Another one of his "almost responses" . . .

Female CRJ pilot: XXX Twr - ABC123 with you on the ILS.

My CA: Then who's making dinner at your house tonight?

I always wanted the other responses to be "stuck mic'd out", but they never made it to air as far as I know. Responses like, "they let women fly?" and "I thought the flight attendants were supposed to be in the back of the airplane?"

Anna - if you read this - I AM NOT A SEXIST PIG!

 

[CrewDawg]

story i heard from a SR-71 Pilot

flying high above SOCAL, a sr-71 was monitoring center and over heard the following

cessna 123: whats my ground speed

center: groundspeed is 100 knots

baron 456: ya center can i get a check on my groundspeed

center: groundspeed is 180 knots

(smarta$$ F-18) Hornet 789, do ya have my ground speed

center: (after a brief pause) 450

SR-71 pilot couldn't resist: ya uhh center can i get my groundspeed

 

[whiskytangofoxt]

Mochahagtdi

The Boston center phrase comes from Cape Air, but the best controllers will always be the 108.2 of Cape approach
Sea- ya

 

[whiskytangofoxt]

holding short

Ok what about some moron that calls "holding short" or "Ready" whent they are 5th in line, maybe we should all pull aside because he never read the AIM

 

[Alaskaairlines]

That UAL one is just totally hilarious!!!

This is probably normal, but I see guys half way to the rwy and calling up to say they are ready to go, I'm guesing thats normal?

 

[metrodriver]

1. overheard a student: twr, tomahawk xxx 10 mls south, inbound on Juliet.

2. in Napa Valley: twr: cessnaxxx taxi in position and hold. She replies taxi into position and hold and then the mike gets stuck. Uhhh taxi in position and uuhhhh hold. Taxi into so i have to taxi and hold uhhh. What am I supposed to do now? Taxi in position and hold. This goes on for several minutes and twr is asking who's got a stuck mike, not realizing that nobody can't answer him. I get a hold of twr on the ground freq and they finally send a car over to the cessna that is now sitting on the runway asking to herself: when do I get a t/o clearance?

3. myself after landing at Atlantic City: twr: after touch down: taxi to parking , give me a good time. I had never heard that expression so I was thinking, yeah I'm having a good time, nice day to be flying, very nice landing. Twr Nxxxx, give me a good time, Learjet on 1/2 mile final. Now my instructor is getting nervous and tells me to hurry up. Oh is that what twr means with having a good time??

4. near RDU: dept: airline xxx climb to aaa, turn right heading bbb , ccc kts, when passing xyz climb to FL ddd, normal speed.
Reply: sorry sir, that are some big numbers for a small mind, can you repeate all of that but a bit slower?

5. On a joint military/civilian airport in western europe: a russian antonov freighter is trying to get a departure clearance. Delivery reads it of several times but the russians can't get it right, their english is so horrible. Finally clnc goes: antonov, turn right 090, climb and maintain 5000', you'll be in Germany very soon and they can deal with you getting you to moscow.

6. from a Eurocontrol controller: Ahh Clipper 103, welcome, you're cleared direct (releasing the mike) to Lockerby

Eurocontrol, Good morning, Lufthansa xxx at FL yyy, information zzz would like to go direct to Frankfurt if possible.
Lufthansa xxx, this is Eurocontrol, can you repeate everything after good morning?

 

[Midlifecrisis]

Heard on tower freq at SFO last week while we were three miles in trail of an MD80 for 28L paired with a 737 for 28R:

"Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

"Yes would you care for some?"

"Oh, thank you."

You old military formation guys crack me up!
I Couldn't stop laughing when I acknowledged towers "cleared to land".

 

[RichO]

____________________________________________________

Apparently the loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was transmitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS.

LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"

Followed shortly afterward by:

ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"



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The loadmaster was awake????

 

[RichO]

Good lord, we all know that you got these from avweb. Try being original, you jerk off.

/Flame

Chill man....Chill..........who cares where he found them......