Idiotic Radio Calls

[jrav8tor]

Flying in southern FLA last week heard a Miami center controller giving the normal cautionary stmt about convective sigmets,

"Listen to hiwas, flight watch,etc. for convective sigmet XXE valid for the beautiful blue coastal waters of FLA and the muddy brown coastal waters of Georgia..."

Nice to hear controllers with a good sense of humor!

 

[bigboeings]

Great Posts!!!!!!!!!

Overheard one busy day in EWR. Ground control was trying to get a huge mess on the taxiways straightened out. Air Jamaica was trying to taxi into into R something and took a wrong turn screwing it all up.

GRND: Air Jamaica 234 I said a right turn, right turn .
AIR J: Relax mon, we be doing it, we be doing it.

Really broke the tension.

 

[HawkI]

confused cessna pilot wandering towards high terrain...

DEN CTR: "cessna XXX, are you aware of terrain up ahead?"

Cessna: "Uh...roger sir."

a minute later

Cessna: "Center...how did you know we had a train ahead of us?"

DEN CTR: "what?"

Cessna: "We were wondering how you saw that train on your RADAR"

DEN CTR: "cessna XXX... do you see the RISING TERR-RRAIN in front of you"

Cessna: "Oh... the terr-rrain...yes sir we have the mountains in sight."

I think I soiled myself after overhearing that conversation.

 

[Dizel8]

Gotta love ORD, the best in he world:

ATC: Japan Air XXX heavy, how about a radiocheck?
JA: Roger, switching!

ATC putting UAL in close to RWY.

UAL: Uhhh, we need more room than that!
ATC: Captain, if you need more room, move your seat back!

In Europe, both BA and Virging holding at the end, on opposite sides. On the freq is heard: "Uhhmm, BA241, we have a slight problem, go ahead and let Virgin depart first". So, of Virging goes.
A few secs after, ATC queries BA as to their problem. BA241 responds with: "We never made a transmission!"

PAA and Lufty 707's both racing to the rwy, again opposite sides. While still a ways to go, Lufty announces they will get there first and are ready to go. ATC clears them for takeoff. As Lufty takes the rwy, he says: " Pan Am, how do you like those apples?" As the Lufty 707 is barreling down the rwy, a fire warning is heard on the freq, the Lufty 707 aborts takeoff, reversers banging, smoking tires. After Lufty gets things squared away, a transmission is heard, presumably PAA: "Lufty, how do YOU like those apples?"

BA on the ground in Berlin having just landed, taxiing rather slow. ATC thinks he is lost. ATC: "BA241, are you familiar, have you been to Berlin before?" BA241: Yes, a couple of times in '44, but I didn't stop."

In JFK, a winters day, long delays:
Unknown AC: I am f*cking bored.
ATC: Who said that??
Unknown AC: I said, I am f*cking bored, not f*cking stupid!

 

[Mookie]

Heard coming into Point Reyes the other day into SFO with flow.

Norcal: Japan airlines, prepare we are holding coming into sfo, prepare to copy holding instructions.

Jal: lready to copy...

norcal: "oh boy......Japan airilnes... hold at Lozit, left turns, at FL 210, efc...." (nice and slow)

Jal: roga...hold at Rozit, Reft turns, fright revel 210, efc...


It was pretty crassic.

Another time, a buddy of mine who flies for Alaska got lost at ORD trying to find the gate (first time there). After the ground guy let him have it, my friend keyed up and said, "Ground...I'm on taxiway...., intersection..., just get me to the gate and I promise I'll never bid this trip again." 45 minutes later they were at the gate.

 

[Buckatuna]

Not idiotic, but kinda funny

This happened a few months ago.
Taxing out of the Fox alley at ORD when metering switched us to ground:
Ground: Blueridge XXX you ready to go?
Blueridge: Uh, sure
Ground: Ok, 4L via blah, blah, you can pull out in front of the United 757.... we'll let the paying customers go first.

 

[Longhorn]

When express I (before Pinnacle) started flying into Detroit, this call was made be the FO flying with a friends of mine. Keep in mind, we parked at the G gates at DTW and taxied to the Spots at MSP. This is what happened when the two got mixed....

DTW Ground (Male): Flagship XXXX where are you parking today.

Flagship XXXX: Um...(pause)....Um...(pause) we are going to the G spot. (The new fo from Memphis was franticly looking for the gate information) Apperently the CA, a friend of mine about fell out of his seat after his FO made the comment. He was doing OE

After about 20 seconds of silence a FEMALE controler came back.

DTW Ground (Female): Ok flagship..taxi to the G-spot, do you boys need help finding that today?

According to my buddy, every aircraft that checked in during his taxi could barely get a word out from laughing so hard.

 

[TheAmazingRando]

These one-liners and comments are pretty hilarious!!! Most are from the cabin crew!!


All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
******
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."
******
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like
to have."
*****
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane."
******
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
******
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
******
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
******
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
******
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your
favorite.
******
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
******
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
******
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children...or other adults acting like children."
******
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."
******
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none
of them are on this flight!"
******
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
******
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"
******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
******
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I
ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The
little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
******
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
think of US Airways."
******
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good
and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the
captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant
brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should
see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing.
He should see the back of mine!"

Good lord, we all know that you got these from avweb. Try being original, you jerk off.

/Flame

 

[flewa72]

Flying into IND from BOS we usually got an instruction to cross one intersection at one zero thousand. We were past the point of no return and hadn't gotten the instruction so we figured we were doing something different and all three of us were glad for a change of pace.

IND: "Longhorn XXX, cross_____ at one zero thousand."

CA grabs power levers with one hand and spoilers with the other. He considers it a personal challenge to make the restriction despite the fact that we are almost on top of the intersection.

We're coming down at around 4,000ft/min. (gotta love how a 727 sinks) and just as we are about to blow through 15,000 we hear:

IND: "Longhorn XXX, maintain one five thousand."

CA again grabs power levers with one hand and spoilers with the other. Just as the FO keys the mic to respond, he yells "What the **** does he want us to do?"

FO unkeys the mic and there is a pause before:

IND: "Longhorn XXX, maintain one FOUR thousand."

We laughed our butts off and heard about that from every other freight dog in the hub. God, I miss flying.

 

[MJG]

Inbound on the arrival to CLT and we check in with ATL Center. Everyone is being vectored or slowed for spacing and the folks at the tail end of the line are getting holding instructions from the controller who talks with a very southern accent at a very southern speed. An Eagle pilot is on the frequency using "non-standard" phraseology in his very distinct New Yorker accent. Needless to say these two were having issues understanding each other and the controller was getting pissed. Well along comes a UAL flight behind us and politely checks in. He is told by the controller to stand by for holding instructions. Frequency is very busy by the way. The UAL guy politely asks how long they can expect to hold. The controller replies "not long". Then the UAL guy, again politely, asks if they can expect 10 mile legs and where they could expect to hold. He then asks the controller if he would like them to slow down. Out of nowhere this controller says "United what I'd really like for you to do is to stop talking to me so I can get some work done !" Dead silence on the radio. About 5 seconds pass and someone keys up and goes "Ouuuuucccccchhhh". Dead silence again. Another couple seconds pass and out of nowhere someone else keys up the mic and goes...... "DIIIIIIIIICK" I nearly peeded my pants laughing so hard.