Funniest Thing You've Heard on the Radio?

[Baronman]

Heard this myself last week in INDY center.

-Jetblue -"Jetblue 123 checking in at FL 370"
-Indy Center- "Roger....sigh"
-Jetblue - "Been a long day?..."
-Indy Center - "Yes it has"
- Unknown Aircraft - "Yeah, and he didn't even do a transcon turn today"

 

[ReverseSensing]

Overheard on SEA ground freq:

Delta: "Ground, there's a piece of caulking sticking up from an expansion joint in the taxiway in front of us.

Ground: "Roger, break, Ops 3, did you copy?

Ops 3: "Roger."

Delta: "Just need to take a hoe and stuff the caulk in the crack."

Not even sure the Delta guy realized what that sounded like. Or maybe he did. :laugh:

 

[-Xavier-]

The Scene: A dark and stormy night at JFK.
Dozen or so different airlines and lots of heavily accented radio calls, many of them completely unreadable...Everyone is trying to get in that conga line to cross the North Atlantic, and the ground controller can't see any of them because of the vis is down to a quarter or so. Everyone is getting stepped on, airplanes are on the wrong taxiways, and the poor controller is losing it. Finally, he announces: "Everyone Stop Right Now!! I want everyone to hold their position. Do not move!" A shocked silence ensues for a few seconds and then, very quietly, someone says: "Delta moved...."

Haha.... nice thread.

 

[Alcatraz]

Center: United 35, are you a 757 or a 767 today?

(remember both cockpits are similar)

UAL35: Uhhhhh........ standby!!!!

Unknown: What, are you gonna get out and check the hubcaps?

 

[ERfly]

Heard a good one the other day coming into Houston. It was early morning and Axe (the Jetlincoln guy) was working. This was by far the most creative thing I heard:

IAH App: "Southwest 903, proceed direct whatchu talkin' about."

SWA: (Click of the mike...then silence...then) "Uh, it's kinda early, can you give us that fix again."

(Meanwhile, I get the joke and start laughing)

IAH App: "Southwest 903, proceed direct whatchu talkin' about WLLIS."

SWA: "Oh...huh...huh...Direct WLLIS, Southwest 903. Good one."

IAH App: "I thought so."

 

[aerobaticspilot]

MALE COW FECES!!!!

Like Air Force One advertizes itself on VHF. Isn't AF1 military and don't they use UHF?

it does actually use vhf and uhf.

 

[ratherbeflyen]

I was truckin boxes in texas, picked up a local IFR into HOU.

Center: say location altitude and souls on board.

Me: HOU 270 at 60, 10,500, no souls just me

Center: (laughing) your a soul

Me: nah, I sold it to get this job

 

[GARFF]

There's got to more....keep 'em comming!

 

[V1cutsrfun]

Ok a few backthe fall of 03 I was climbing out of DEN with the winds out of the west at 35 knots with the o so familiar rotor clouds up and down the foothills and the lenticular clouds were stacked about 2-3 high and went from the Cheyene(CYS) to Pueblo(PUB). Everyone was checking in with dept...

American XX, eight point five for 10 thousand rwy heading, whens it gonn get smooth
DEPT:dont know, turn right 230 direct XYZ
This continued for several more aircraft departing until

United XXXX: Dept United XXXX 8 for nine rwy heading, WHEN IS THIS GONNA END!! (obviously taking a pretty good beating)
Dept: (with out skipping a beat) in May turn right heading 250 and climb and maintain 240.....:laugh:

I just about pissed myself

 

[JohnnyDrama]

Last night in MEM,
Departure: FLG1234 maintain 250kts in the climb.....company traffic in front of you is having trouble getting it up tonight..

 

[time builder]

A couple weeks ago, an RJ pilot let out a little slip toward ground control. Instead of reading back "go down hotel" he blurted out "go to he!!, uh, I mean...."

 

[ratherbeflyen]

How'd you find this thread after 1 1/2 years?

 

[Dirty Sanchez]

The funniest thing I have ever heard on the radio is my 300 hour FO!

 

[obadie]

RJ holding short...

Big brother landed and said "how's the recycled jet coming along"

RJ holding short said "with another landing like that we will have all the parts we need".

 

[time builder]

How'd you find this thread after 1 1/2 years?

"Search" Tool. Who can forget a thread like this?

 

[Occam's Razor]

Heard one of our DC-9's report "9-miles, 5-right, for the option"

The tower controller comes back, "You want the option...and not a full stop?"

Our guy: "This is the first landing for the captain, and I'm not sure what's gonna happen!"

 

[FlySacto]

Leaving SFO and on initial contact with NorCal, my FO told the controller that he "sounded broken up". The guy told him that his wife had just left him and the Giants were losing, but to go ahead and climb and maintain 10k.

We were going to SFO with things backed up and Oakland center tossed us in the stack at STINS with a mess of heavies coming in over the pond. The controller had a bunch of us and he was giving a lot of heading and speed assigments to a swarm of tired asian pilots and it wasn't working. He kept coming back to us and we were keeping part of his plan together. The STINS arrival is for turbojets and the controller asked us for 250kts and a heading and I quickly replied "Standby,... Scottie, I need 250kts" and then transmitted in my best "Scottie" voice, "Capn, I'll giver all she's got, but we just ain't gonna get 250 outta her" then I told the controller "Unable 250kts" The guy about busted a nut laughing and appologized for forgeting that we were a Brasilia. Got direct SFO, contact NorCal, and have a great night "Capn".

Last week going into SEA there was a Speedbird flight ahead of us and the guy on the radio had the hardest Irish accent I'd ever heard. I was the NFP and after I heard one of his transmissions I asked the FO, "Have you seen my Lucky Charms?". I think center thought we were being attacked as it took us a while to be able to get any words out to them as we were in tears laughing so hard. The guys on center were also having a hard time and made several "extra" calls to him just to hear him talk. You could hear the laughter just rolling down the consoles every time they talked to them.

 

[Mesabi Miner]

"PAYED" is the final approach fix for 4L at KDTW. My CA was a French native and checked in with tower, "Over PAYED, 4L" The tower came back, "Mesaba XXXX did you say you're overpaid?" My Captain, not getting the joke, got all nervous, sat up and replied, "Affirmative, over PAYED." I got the joke, but didn't mention it. On landing, I went way long and we missed the usual turn off. Tower told us to turn right at the next highspeed and call ground. I replied, "Yeah, landing long is the only way we get overpaid." He chuckled at sent us on our way.

Not a classic, but rather amusing.

 

[rhino3040]

Here's one:
My FO and I are waiting to push back out of IAD and were throwing smart remarks back and fourth about the frickin idiots who run the ramp and how they should clean the place out and replace them with people that are competant on doing their jobs correctly. Then my FO starts to comment about the push back driver looks like Osama....then suddenly in the corner of my eye I see this middle finger coming up from the tug...we then realized that the tug driver was plugged in. Ooooops!

 

[blueridge71]

TIZZY is a fix at KATL. Occasionally, I'd call the tower with:

Hello, Atlanta Tower, Acey 456 is in a tizzy for 9R.

 

[Kream926]

TIZZY is a fix at KATL. Occasionally, I'd call the tower with:

Hello, Atlanta Tower, Acey 456 is in a tizzy for 9R.

do you say it with a lisp and put your hand out to the side?

 

[PeanuckleCRJ]

I would always call "under PAYED" when I checked in for 4L in DTW.

 

[BUPilot]

About 3 months ago, I heard one of our 250 hour radio jockeys ask: XXX Approach, FLGXXXX, what kind of aircraft are we flying.... um... following?

Priceless...

Also a great callsign I've heard lately at night with BOS CTR... "Virgin 2 Heavy". Some smart ass keyed up with "well that explains a lot."

 

[DX Rick]

The other day were at LGA and ground was giving directions to an Air Whisey crew. Ground tells them to follow NWA who will be passing.
Air Whiskey fires back that there is no NWA in eye sight.
Ground told them to wait a couple of seconds and NWA will be passing infront. Air Whiskey (must have been thier first time in LGA) says "Ground, are you sure you have the right Air Whiskey plane in sight?"

LGA "Yes, thanks for asking. Now sit tight until I get back to you."

For the remainder of our taxi, we never heard ground talk to them again.

 

[waveoff]

This guy I used to fly with at my previous job, I'll call him DH, would always insist on answering the radio whenever we were issued a new squawk code. The radio exchange would go down like this:

Center: Options 830, squawk 4350
DH: Roger, 4350 coming in the box

I'd get a little chuckle out of it every time. I don't know if anyone else ever picked up on it though. I never heard any comments back or chuckling on the radio.

 

[BoDEAN]

On OHare ground (outbound) when instructed to taxi to 4L via Bravo, Juliet, and Whiskey, I sometimes hear "Roger, B J and a Whiskey, 4L"
Gets a few chuckles.

 

[#%&@$!]

Just tonight,

"JFK clearance, Connie 9703, with X-ray to Newark"

"Connie 9703, cleared to Newark via the Lincoln Tunnel"

 

[belchfire]

Me checking in with CLT at o-dark-stupid in the morning...

"Charlotte Approach, Catbird 310, 7000 feet with Wiskey"

KCLT "Catbird 310 your're number...you're the only one for the airport, cleared for the approach to 36 right and to the ramp with me!"

There are some really nice things about flying at night...

 

[belchfire]

Just tonight,

"JFK clearance, Connie 9703, with X-ray to Newark"

"Connie 9703, cleared to Newark via the Lincoln Tunnel"

That fracking repo...Where else on the frelling planet can you take a fracking M.84 economy cruise jet 16 nm in a straight line and block over two hours-and still beat a limo!!!

Pain in the hemmeroid!

 

[Gandalf]

Seattle center one fine fall evening. All of a sudden talking on center freq. WTF?

Anyone seen SNL - Alec Baldwin?

Cue your best Sean Connery voice - "Shweaty, Shweaty Ba!!s, I bet you like my shalty, shweaty ba!!s..., shweaty, shalty...."

He does the entire skit - and clicks off.

A female United voice, rather curt - "You know you are on an open ATC freq."

Silence for 5 min.

ATC comes back and says, "ATC is back for now." You can hear everyone busting a gut in the background.

Silence.........

...."Anyone out there"

ATC - "Yeah" - laughter in the background.

Silence........

You know they played that tape over and over!