Best Wise guy radio call?

[SharkBait]

Heard this over the radio a few years back as Boeing was going out on a test flight:

PAE clearance: Boeing XXX you're cleared to the Grant County Airport via the Paine 2 depature then as filed. Climb and maintain 10000, Departure freq. 128.5, squak XXXX.

Boeing XXX: Uhhhhh, we don't have the Paine 2 departure, can we just get vectors?

Clnc: L E T M E R E A D I T T O Y O U, FLY RUNWAY HEADING, EXPECT VECTORS...

 

[TIS]

And another one...

Heard on SFO tower...
SFO Tower: "UA 765, you gonna be able to get down from there?"

UA 765: "Sure! Ain't never left one of these things up here yet!"

 

[OPECJet]

A Dash taxiing up to the hold line at CLT the other day was told to follow an Air Shuttle ERJ, to which he replied "we'll follow the jungle jet". The Mesa guys replied with the standard "Props are for boats". Not to be outdone, the Dash guy replied "contracts are for pilots".

 

[User546]

I overheard this on the Approach frequency about a year ago over Phoenix at 3:00am. Pan Am is the call sign for the Pan Am Flight Academy planes based in Phoenix.

Pan Am: Phoenix Approach, Pan Am 29, 12 miles to the north, would like to request the Falcon GPS approach, with information Alpha.

-silence over radio-

Pan Am: (Repeats Previous Callup)

-silence over radio again-

Pan Am: Phoenix Approach, Pan Am 29, can you hear this transmission?

Approach: (Sounding Confused) Pan Am 29, hear you loud and clear, what are you doing out this time of night shooting practice approaches?

Pan Am: I think I p*ssed off one of the schedulers!

 

[SuperPilot]

Heard earlier this year somewhere up in the northeast:

UAL: (male voice) "Hey approach, United xxx, you got any shortcuts tonight?"

App: "United xxx cleared direct BIGGO intersection"

UAL: (female voice now) "Roger, cleared to the Big "O"! United xxx."

 

[Chairman]

United: Center chop here at 330 any better rides higher.

American: Center moderate chop up here at 370 and better rides lower.

Delta: Center chop here at 350 any ride reports

Citation: Center smooth up here at 470.

Voice unknown. Well how is the pay at 470

 

[jetdriven]

heard this one in DEN the other day


Ground: "United XXX I been trying to call you."

UALXXX: "Yeah, sorry 'bout that, I got kicked out of the 3rd grade for not shaving..."


the other day I just landed on 13R in DFW. Long taxi across the airport and I was holding short of 18L for the B-gates.
We must have waited ten minutes or more, and I couldnt stand it any longer.

Air midwest 2500: "tower, are we going to get to cross 18L anytime soon or do we need to shut down here and wait for you to call"

DFW tower: "Air Midwest, uhh...... hold short."

Unidentified voice: "You're gonna get it now!"

 

[Flyin Tony]

This happen to me the other day
ME: Fullerton tower Comanche 8389P left downwind
TOWER: Last caller whats your name
ME: Tony why
TOWER: Not your name, the airplanes name

There was about 5 people in the pattern,kinda made me feel dumb

 

[gear_guy]

I was flying with one of our old country boy captains the other day and we had just dipped our left wing into a cloud. Half our airplane was in the soup.

ATL ctr: Citation NXXXX, traffic 3 o'clock 2 miles.

NXXXX: We're lookin for em out our right eye.

ATL ctr: What's wrong with your left eye?

NXXXX: It's IMC.

ATL ctr: Say again???

NXXXX: Uhhhh, I had my tongue wrapped around my eye tooth and could'nt
talk my way out.

ATL ctr: What???

NXXXX: (as I took the mic to repond) Roger, we're looking for the traffic.


Also had a freighter lear jet entrail of a citation one day. The lear was asked to slow for the Citation entrail into DFW. The lear responded, "yes sir, we'll slow this hot rod down for that slowtation." After a few seconds later the Citation captain came over the freq in a low slow voice and said, "we're a ten." Did'nt hear another word from the lear boys.

One day a Delta captain came on freq and told everyone he was turning on the seat belt sign and everyone should remain seated. Without skippin a beat, every plane on freq came on and said, "I'm in my seat." After about ten aircraft responded the controller came on and said, " I wish he'd turn the dang thang off so I could take a break, I've gotta pee like a race horse." The Delta captain responded, "very funny guys!"

 

[FO 4 Life]

ORD APP : Delta 123 how was your ride down final?

DAL 123 : Not very good, the captain was hand flying.

~~~~

UAL (female voice): Indy center, UAL 123, any chance of a shortcut?

Unknown (male voice) : Honey, you've had a shortcut your whole life.

~~~~~

DFW tower : Eagle, watch out for a coyote reported 17C and WJ.

Eagle : Roger, we've called catering.

~~~~~

On a flight from MSP to SEA

CTR: Ryan 608, you're leading the pack tonight. What can you give me?

Ryn 608: What do you need?

CTR : How about warp 3?

Ryn : We can do that.

CTR : I love to watch you guys wind out that 72.

 

[Swede]

Some foreign carrier was once attempting to deal with numerous vectors and instructions outbound from ORD. Departure was getting frustrated. Finally, he says "Mexicana 123, put the number 170 on the top of your compass and GET OUT of my airspace!"

Flying cross-country in the F15 was seriously boring in cruise. To kill the time, most guys played with the radar, tracking and "killing" dozens of commercial flights.

ATC: "Hoser 21, you have traffic at 12:00, 15 miles, a B737 at 350"
Hoser: "Roger, radar contact"
ATC: "Oh yeah, you guys can DO that!"

 

[Swede]

Scene: T-38, pilot training at Del Rio TX. I was taxiing out with my IP on a long parallel taxiway for a mission.

IP: "I HAVE THE JET!"
ME: <WTF did I do wrong?!> "Your jet sir"

IP taxis WELL off of the CL, puts a main gear about 5 feet from the dirt, holds this for 10 seconds, then returns to the taxi CL and gives me the jet.

IP: "Ground, you have a big rattlesnake on the parallel taxiway near the departure end"
GROUND: "Is it a DEAD rattlesnake?"
IP: "It is now."

 

[front9]

SFO APP : JAL 069, do you have information Hotel?
JAL 069 : No.... not yet........ I think its the Double Tree?
SFO APP : ..............contact tower on 120.5 good day

 

[spanky2]

Many years ago, heard this on JAX CTR freq....T-38 had a stuck mike ... so everybody heard that was on the UHF freq

T-38 student pilot:...uhh, I think we are NORDO

T-38 IP (female voice): keep flying the assigned route

student:assigned, expected, filed, .... TACAN XX penetration and approach .... you want me to keep control of the NAV in the front?

female IP: yep, and when we get ready to penetrate, give it to me in the rear...

 

[FlyChicaga]

On ground freq. in MKE, someone reported that a coyote was loose by 19R running around... they saw it on rollout. A chase insued with reports from various aircraft relaying the position of the coyote to airport police out on the taxiways trying to find it. Someone keys up, "Looks like he escaped westbound off the grounds." Then, in the silence after, someone keys up "Meep meep!" in their best Roadrunner voice. Was hilarious at the time!

 

[Jmmccutc]

didn't happen on frequency, but still funny...

at a meeting about the activites of student at my school...

Guy: "those student fly real low over my house and watch my wife suntan naked in the back yard"

Student: "as a matter of fact i did see her...why would you marry anything like that?"

 

[405]

some other good ones...

http://www.aviation-humour.5u.com/custom.html

I heard a transmission one day when I was a young military controller in a GCA at Barber's Point, Hawaii. Traffic was slow and I was listening to HNL approach to hear our aircraft coming back to the base and I heard this. MYTAI's were HANG F15's coming back from the Warning Areas south of Oahu.

HNL APP: MYTAI XX, traffic is 1 o'clock, 6 miles, heavy DC10, descending to 3000.
MYTAI: What's he squawking?
HNL APP: 4025
MYTAI: Got 'em.

I thought that was pretty cool.

 

[Sinca3]

Quotes

Air Traffic Quotes

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll
always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt
(my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13
miles high. We were monitoring various radio
transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles
airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our
movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its
ground speed."
"90 knots" Center replied.
"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."
"120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as
almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52
requests ground speed readout.'
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the
ground, Dusty."
"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a
situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio
transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment
I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking
in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause ... "Aspen, I show 1,742
knots" No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
------------------------------------------------------------------------


In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported
receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The
incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do
you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled
driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down
to it." He was cleared.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He
placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the
navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The
navigator proceeded to pull out a 45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before
you will."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

More tower chatter:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What
a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and
I'll have enough parts for another one."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot
remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for
takeoff."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the
problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

When you're on "reserve" with an airline, you fly when they tell you to fly.
Being unable to be contacted is a lesser offense than refusing or missing
an assigned trip. This captain gets an "A" for his creativity in avoiding an
assignment. When crew scheduling woke him up at 3 A.M. to assign him
to a 5 A.M. departure, he passed the phone to his wife and said in a voice
loud enough for them to hear on the other end, "Here, darling, I think it's
someone calling for your husband."

 

[a-v-8er]

Heard over the frequency somewhere over Massachusetts during a quiet night recently:

Virgin 539: Boston Center, Virgin five tree nineh flight level 290 (with a sharp British accent).

...no answer...

Virgin 539: Boston Center, Virgin five tree nineh level at two nineh zeroh

...still no answer...

Virgin 539: Boston Center, how do you hear Virgin five tree nineh? (Once again, this guys accent alone is making people crack up - at least up at our flightdeck)

...just silence... then some other wiseguy steps in with:

"You've reached Boston Center, we're unable to answer your call, but please leave a message after the beep... (beep sound)"

...nothing but silence again (Virgin 539 more than likely still on the frequency, not too keen on keying up again)... then someone else peeps up with:

"I guess there are no more virgins on the frequency"

Eventually, the Boston controller got back from the "landline" totally unaware of all the pilots cracking up somewhere over Mass...

 

[a-v-8er]

Speaking of the infamous "landline". You all know how the controllers always blame missed radio calls on "Sorry, I was on the landline, say again...". Well, the next time a controller calls you up more than once, just answer with "Sorry, I was on the 'airline', say again..."