Best Wise guy radio call?

[350DRIVER]

first three attempts= no joy..... Why the hell don't we pick it up on the 4th call-


FEMALE controller: Aero Mexico 232 for the 4th and last time, I need to cross XYZ at 10,000

still nothing....


FEMALE controller: Aero Mexico 232, are you or aren't you going to be able to make this crossing restriction?



Aero Mexico 232: ( in deep mexicano accent) "Ahh maaamm, sometimes a we doa and ahhh sometimesa we don't"


3 5 0

 

[91100 100 set]

More than a few years ago, during my formative years as a student, I heard this call on the practice area frequency.

"Practice area traffic, Riddle XX, over Bar Heart Ranch Airport, commercial manuevers at 9,500"

Unknown voice: "Where is Bar Heart Ranch?"

Riddle XX "Right underneath me now..."

Also a few years ago, in PIT, we were taxing on in to the gate in the Dash, and the ground controller neglected to notice that we would reach an intersection at about the same time as a US 757. So we both get there, and stop. The US 757 takes the liberty of rolling in front of us as ground notices the conflict and instructs us to give way. As they turned the corner and straightened out a good 20 or 30 feet off the centerline, the US 757 says "we're bigger than you anyway". My captain didn't miss a beat and said right back, "too big to find the centerline apparently".

This same guy, sans uniform hat, a few years ago after US 5050, was stopped in the LGA terminal by a US pilot. "You know, it would really help our impressions of excellance if you express guys would wear your hats". Right back, "Well, it would really help our impressions of excellance if you guys would stop putting airplanes into Flushing Bay".

 

[AV80R]

I posted this in a different forum in the past but I think it fits better here.

Heard this conversation in Atlanta just a few weeks ago. A Delta 757 waiting in line behind a PACE B-737 (painted in HootersAir colors) taxing out to runway 8L.

Ground: “Delta – can you get just a little closer to the Hooters 737 in front of you?”

No response at first followed by: “oh yeah, we’ll snuggle up really tight right behind them' hooters!” : )

 

[suen1843]

Center: Delta 1234 cross 10 west of ABC at and maintain 11,000

Delta: We are kinda close and probably won't make that

Center: Well don't you have spoilers?

Delta: Yes, but those are for my mistakes, not yours

And now....the rest of the story.

A controller friend of mine has quite a few "bootleg" tapes of funny conversations. I heard that one above...really did happen. But, after the pilot finished his xmit, the controller response was something like "Delta 1234, sorry about that. I mixed up what I am supposed to use for my mistakes. You are now cleared to ABC, hold west, maintain FL220, expect further clearance........."

 

[Freebrd]

This is true and happened many years ago on the LGC arrival into ATL.


Ctl: Deltaxxx (L1011@14,000) traffic below you at 11,000 a Brasilia

Delta: rog, we got the little fellow in sight

Acey (old ASA call sign) that's not what your wife said the other night...

 

[328dude]

When I was an FO, the captain I was flying with for the month was full of these things. Once instince in PIT, we were behind mainline US Airways 737 and taxing out to 28C for departure. The tower visibility was somewhat low and the 737 missed the hold short line and was rounding the bend when the tower asked us if we had a 737 in front of us at the line. I stated that we were on the line but the 737 apparently missed it. The tower jumped on Airways about how they were not aware that they had changed the position of the hold short line yadaa yadda yadda. Airways came back with a straight "sorry bout that" phrase. My captain without missing a beat keys up and says, "See that express boys and girls, half the pilot and twice the pay". Dead silence, then laughter from the controller who stated that "I'm not going to touch that one.

Was laughing so hard I had the CPT take off.

I also like the joke "How do you get a mainline pilot off your front porch?"

"Pay him for the pizza"

 

[mainah]

Heard tonight flying over MSP:
Approach: Northwest 1234 are you a heavy 757 tonight?
Northwest: Ya, sorry about that we're heavy tonight.
Pause
Northwest: We're trying to lose weight but you know how that goes.
Approach: Unfortunately, yes I do.

 

[belchfire]

STL App to a J32 that is at 8000 ft
abeam the numbers on 12R
"Corpex59XX, Can you take the
visual from there and stay inside the
the river?"

Corpex59XX (in the best drawl of an
exiled RDU pilot)
"Hold my beer, watch this."

hehehe

 

[greenpickle]

One from my buddy

My buddy told me this one that he did and his capt just stared at him with that "What the he!! did you just do that for?" Some people dont have a sense of humor.

Midex XXX: "Washington center, Midex XXXX checking in at FLXXX."

No reply

Midex XXX: "Washington center, Midex XXXX checking in at FLXXX."

No reply

Midex XXX: "Washington center if you hear Midex XXXX ident please"

Instantly
Washington center: "What? What? Say again please, I was on the land line"

He told me this about 2 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Especially picturing some quiet captain just staring at me like I was on crack or something.

I have also used that "Sorry about that center, we were on the land line" before. Cheesy, overdone, but I am easily amused.

 

[TIS]

Some more oldies but goodies

Heard over the northern tier of this country somewhere...
ZMP: "Northwest 345 Heavy turn right 30 degrees for noise abatement."

NWA 345 Heavy - cruising comfortably at FL390: "Right 30 degrees for NOISE ABATEMENT? Sir, are you aware that we're at FL390?"

ZMP: "Affirmative sir. Out in front of you there's a 747 who's also at FL 390. You're on a collision course with him. Do you have any idea how noisy it'll be if you hit him?"



Heard on Chicago approach a number of years ago...
Appr: "American 678 Heavy, traffic at ten o'clock and six miles is a heavy C-5, level at nine thousand."

AA 678 Heavy: "Roger, looking."

Appr: "Reach 56 Heavy, traffic is two o'clock and five miles, a heavy DC-10 descending through your altitude. Lower when clear."

Reach 56 Heavy: "Roger, we have the DC-10 in sight."

Then, a moment later -

Reach 56 Heavy: "Say American, what does that does that little DC-10 gross out at?"

AA 678 Heavy (without missing a beat): "About 200K a year. Any more questions?"



Heard somewhere in the friendly skies
Controller: "UA 932 descend and maintain FL290."

UA 932: "Yes ma'am down to FL 290. Was that pilot's discretion?"

Controller: "If I had meant pilot's discretion, I would have SAID pilot's discretion."

UA 932: "We're we ever married?"



Heard at OAK a number of years ago
Controller: "Academy 23, if you wish to do 360s on final, you MUST inform the tower."



Heard in the Early 70s on SFO Clearance Delivery
Unknown aircraft keys up and mike remains open. Preflight checks can be heard, as if in a tin can just slightly behind the 400 HZ whine often accompanying transmissions from large airliners. A discussion ensues between two speakers, one of whom is experiencing a problem now correctable with a little blue pill.

After several minutes of this the mike goes dead. Several seconds pass without extraneous comment. Then the mike opens again - This time with a clear voice in front of the 400 Hz whine -

Pan Am 644 Heavy: "Pan Am 644 Heavy to Haneda with information Alpha"

Unknown Voice (instantly): "Sorry about your di_k, man."



Heard at some random location and time
Controller: American 345 reduce speed to 170 knots or less."

American 345: "Sir, do you have any idea what the stall speed of this thing is?"

Controller: " No sir, I don't. You might ask your FO. He probably does."



Heard at SFO shortly after WestAir began operating Shorts 360s.
Wescom 344: "Ground, Wescom 344 taxi with Alpha."

SFO Ground: "Wescom 344 taxi runway 1L - inner, foxtrot, outer."

Wescom 344: "Roger, inner fox, outer to 1L."

SFO Ground: "What kind of airplane is that?"

Wescom 344: "It's a Shorts 360, sir."

SFO Ground: "Gee, that's real nice. You build that yourself?"

Wescom 344: "Nope, it's just the box that Bandits came packed in."



Heard on Bay Approach (back when it was Bay Approach)
Bay: "Northwest 987, traffic to follow is 10 o'clock and seven miles, a Shorts 360 for 28L."

Northwest 987: "Roger, traffic in sight."

Bay: "Roger Northwest 987, additional traffic is another shorts 360 pulling up along side the first one on a visual to the right. You're cleared visual approach runway 28L follow the Shorts for the left runway and contact tower at BRIJJ 120.5"

Northwest 987: "Roger, we'll follow the pair 'o' shorts on final. Cleared visual 28L. Tower at BRIJJ"



Also heard on Bay Approach a number of years ago just after NWA switched to the bold red blue and grey paint scheme they're just moving out of now
Bay: "United 456 traffic to follow is a heavy 747 at 10 o'clock and seven miles - Northwest type. Report that traffic in sight for the visual approach."

UA 456: "Roger, we have the bowling shoe in sight."



TIS

 

[atldc9]

I was taxiing out of MCO, down to 35L. It is a long taxi, with 2 parrallel taxiways.

A Delta MD-11 on the inner, a Comair RJ on the outer and us.

My FO with out missing a beat blasts this one on them, had the whole frequency dying.

GROUND: Citrus, the sequence is the rj, the md11 then you guys. See ya.

FO: Roger, Delta's future, Delta's past then us, See Ya.

 

[TIS]

One more

Heard after departure from Fresno, CA (FAT), where there's a Nat'l Guard base with F-16s
Fresno Approach: "Sundance 644, traffic twelve o'clock and 10 miles, an F-16 descending out of one-four thousand."

Sundance 644: "Roger, looking, Sundance 644."

Fresno Approach: "Shooter two-three, traffic is a Jetstream just departing Fresno, twleve o'clock and 10 miles, climbing out of eight thousand."

Shooter is on UHF so reply is not audible.

Fresno Approach: "Roger shooter two-three. Break. Sundance 644 you can disregard the traffic HE has you on radar.

 

[belchfire]

STL on a dark and stormy night
before the rape, pillage and burn
routien by the guys in the silver
airplanes...

"Transworld XXX heavy, I told you
to follow the MD-80, not the 717."

NY accent "Wattsa matter, can't youse
tell a 717 from a MD-80?"

"Ah, maybe not...but I can tell a good
tower from a bad tower."

Silence

 

[FlyingDawg]

In descent to CMH.

CHQ: Good evening center, Chautauqua 6467 checking in at FL240.
Indy: Roger 6469. (Female controller)
CHQ: Thats 6467 at FL240.
Indy: Roger 6467.

Indy: Chautauqua 6469 cross NIKLS at 11,000 alt 2993.
CHQ: Was that for CHQ 6467 to cross NIKLS at 11000?
INDY: Roger 6467.
CHQ: Cross NIKLS at 11000, 6467.

INDY: CHQ 6469 contact CMH approach on 119.15.
CHQ: Is that for 6467?
INDY: I'm sorry 6467, contact approach on 119.15
CHQ: I think you must have that 69 thing on your mind?
Indy: (Female controller laughing now) Yea, I guess your right, you guys have a good night.
CHQ: I just hope its half as good as yours, good night.

 

[DCMartin]

I heard this one from a friend a few weeks ago. It occured at IAD shortly after the first few 777's came out.

Controller: Unitedxxx follow the DC-10 passing from right to left. Taxi to 1R.

777 United FO (sounded like a younger girl): Roger, we'll follow the litlle guy passing in front of us.

DC-10 (older voice): What a shame, a brand new airplane and there is already a crack up front.

 

[waterski]

MIA TOWER: AA 123 Traffic taking the active you are cleared to land. pleanty of
room for you guys.

couple of seconds went by....

AA 123: Tower AA 123 going around.

MIA TOWER: (on a pissy voice) AA 123 Say reason for go around.

AA 123: CAR PAYMENT....

 

[JetBlast2000]

I heard this one near IND.

IND: ABX 123 contact center on 135.75
ABX: 135.75 ABX 123
ABX: Center ABX 123 12K for FL 210
IND: ABX 123 Try flip'n the switch
ABX: Dohhh!

 

[SkiMoguls]

On approach into DFW the tower controller was issuing taxi instructions to an aircraft on the roll out and the pilot came back with, "Ya we don't want to go nose to nose on the same taxiway with Aero Mexico."

The controller said "that wouldn't be a good idea unless you want the Golden Tow Bar Award!

Someone else asked the controller right away "can you pick the award up yourself or if it was ok to have it delivered to your retirement home!"

 

[Hosed COEX]

Both of these just happened to me yesterday:

(Flying late afternoon on 4th of July)
UNKNOWN AIRCRAFT (wondering why frequency was so quiet): "Center, you still there?"
CLE Center: "Unfortunately, yes"
UNKNOWN AIRCRAFT: "I hear you on that"

Even better:

My captain makes an eloquent passenger announcement that we are going to be maneuvering around some storms and that everyone including the FA should be seated.
CLE Center: "That was very nice - now you should try doing that over the PA"
Numerous comments ensue by several other aircraft on the frequency
CLE Center: "OK - time now is 1923 and 1/4 Zulu - the time that I officially lost control of my frequency"

 

[moscowcfi]

One well-known incident at our Academy involved a Chinese student several years back. The tower had asked him: "What are your intentions?" To which he replied: "To become a commercial pilot."