What's the dumbest question you've been asked as a pilot?

[The Transporter]

I was in my uniform (no jacket) and i stopped at a turnpike rest area for a burger at mickey d's as I approached the cashier she said " its free for bus drivers! u r a bus driver right?....so I smiled and said" yes i am and kept walking...pilots and free stuff u gotta love it!

 

[whatfuelpolicy]

I once had a student tell me that he couldn't take off on his Solo XC because the crosswinds at altitude exceeded the aircraft's max crosswind limit.

I was unable to reply to that.

 

[808pilot]

we had just started the #2 engine in the 1900D and all of a sudden a woman is standing right behind us tapping our shoulders almost in a panic....says we can't leave yet b/c the engine she was sitting next to (#1) was not spinning....she was convinced we were going to take off with one engine.....if i wasn't in such shock i would have replied "sorry, we're saving money on gas so that you can have a cheaper ticket..."

didn't happen on my flight but our buddies...they told it to us over company freq. right after it happened....old man gets up in the middle of the flight which is about 40 min long...taps our buddies on the shoulder and says he really has to pee....they tell him hang on, 20 more minutes and we are there.....5 minutes later they get another tap on the shoulder from the old guy holding a barf bag full of piss telling them "everything is OK, there was no blood in my urine this time..." no kidding....we couldn't believe it......

SO, for all you pilots out there with cockpit doors that HAVE to be locked, be grateful......

 

[kack911]

A few years ago, a flight inbound to IAD sent me an ACARS saying that they were holding over HYPER intersection, with a 30 minute EFC and 4000lb FOB.

I sent a message back saying something like:

ACK HOLD OVR HYPER. HOLD TO BINGO FUEL 3250 THEN DIVERT MDT

A few minutes later I get the reply:

WE CANT FIND BINGO INT...WHERE IS IT/

Priceless....

The Kack

 

[regionaltard]

After enduring the typical questions from the guy next to me on a deadhead (late 20's-early 30's, probably still-lived-with-Mom type sorta like the "Sweeeeet" guy in the Dodge commercials) he gets this far-away look in his eyes and says in all seriousness: "Wow, you guys must get laid all the time."

That was the dumbest thing I've ever heard. This is the dumbest question I've ever been asked:

really why do you old dudes crap your selfs in lt/mod chop? maybe you should do a week or 2 a year in a turboprop? you guys know who I am talking about its all these old clowns that got hired at places at yonited in the 70s-80s with NO hours AT ALL, like they saw the job posting in a news paper or something?

hey guys chill man, just chill.........

 

[Minimaniac]

There is an easy way to avoid all this stupidity... pop in your trendy white earbuds and crank up the iPOD...yeah baby. I'd frost my hair too, but I'm afraid I'd get harassed by the wrong flight attendants.

FYI... no iPOD here.

 

[skypine69]

my stupid question....
"why did your retarded pilot group vote for a 1% pay raise when your company is making 40 mil a quarter?" There is no answer for that one.

 

[embdrvr]

my stupid question....
"why did your retarded pilot group vote for a 1% pay raise when your company is making 40 mil a quarter?" There is no answer for that one.

Nothing to worry about Skypine. According to NewWoman on the other threads SAPA will be negotiating another raise and COLA for you next year. You just need to let ASA finish negotiating.

 

[Boxav8r]

Here's a hilarious answer to "How did you become a pilot?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3UDCoQnXjA

 

[southernpilot]

'You don't have a lot of time in this airplane do you'?
Yes I do, I flew it over here to pick you up....are you ready to go?

 

[rcbullock]

Do you know your route?

I told someone at dinner I was starting at TSA next month. 'Cool, do you know your route yet?' ROUTE. Like I'm a paperboy or milkman. It really hurt my feelings.


I mean, those guys make *WAY* more money to start than I will.




(See, that's comedy, you go the other way.)

 

[Hung Start]

True story:

Going through a conformity check to put a King Air on the certificate. The FAA's genius avionics inspector cralls up to the right seat and asks me "So, which one is the sensitive altimeter?"

The thing was all steam gauges. Took at least 5 minutes to explain about the "HIS thingy" (HSI)
He had his checklist, and needed to fill in all the boxes. I just took the sheet from him and sent him to get more popcorn from the machine.

Didn't get a warm and fuzzy feeling about the quality of hires.

Hung

 

[rcbullock]

True story:

The FAA's genius avionics inspector cralls up to the right seat and asks me "So, which one is the sensitive altimeter?"

Well, I'm sure it was very empathetic.

 

[scott hall]

The dumbest question hmmmmm

Do I believe everything I read on Flight info?

 

[JettBoii]

I still get a kick out of everybody reaching up to their airvents and twisting on them like it was a prostitutes nipple looking for some kind of airflow when the crew turns the packs off before engine start.

 

[ERfly]

I still get a kick out of everybody reaching up to their airvents and twisting on them like it was a prostitutes nipple looking for some kind of airflow when the crew turns the packs off before engine start.

That one is my absolute favorite. The funniest one I had was a pax at the gate in JAX that looked out and exclaimed..."That's a ratty old plane!!" It was one of our newest XRs. Then he looked at me. Seriously don't know what I could do about it. He sat behind me on the commute and told me when we got to IAH that it was a very nice flight and he was pleasently surprised.

 

[Salukipilot4590]

There is an easy way to avoid all this stupidity... pop in your trendy white earbuds and crank up the iPOD...yeah baby. I'd frost my hair too, but I'm afraid I'd get harassed by the wrong flight attendants.

FYI... no iPOD here.

GIVE IN!!!! You know you want one!

They now play videos....so you can watch pr0n all day long!

 

[Pilot124]

I'm sitting in the cockpit at IAD getting all the info when this lady walks up to the cockpit and says "just to let you know, that mechanic down there just took a tire from the plane over there and put it on your plane". She was obviosly nuts. I said "I know, and next he is going to fill our landing light fluid and we'll be on our way".

 

[MackyG1]

A PAX came in to the cockpit at IND and asked "Can you tell me if the parking garage will take my American Express?" Non reving out to CA in uniform to see family on red eye, when I woke up in the middle of the night the first thing the person said to me was, Where are we right now?

 

[Sky Goddess]

Are you a flight attendent?

 

[Fred Rogers]

I saw a guy ask a gate agent in DCA if she sold stamps.

 

[Fred Rogers]

So how many times have you had this exact conversation?
I have a big commute and it's all the time.. especially since the TSA can now only tell the difference between a real pilot and a fake one by the uniform.

-----boarding-----
passenger: Hey shouldn't you be up front?
Me: tee hee, gosh you are funny
passenger: (to person next to them) well we are ok, we've got an extra one
me: polite chuckle (oh god I just want to be HOME)
passenger: so are you scared to fly?

oh christ I can't even finish typing it, my brain can't handle it anymore

 

[Rook]

standing outside the terminal smoking one morning...... a dad and his little son walk up. Dad is impressing his kid with knowledge of airplanes and then see's me and says " see the three stripes on his jacket, see it, see it" pulls his son within 2 feet of me "he's a copilot, he talks on the radio and the captain teaches him to fly."

I wanted to put my cig out on dad's face and pull out my crank and say, i'm you father luke!!!!!!!!!!!

One of the best posts of '06!:laugh:

 

[smellthejeta]

Okay, I know this thread has an airline slant, but...

I gotta deal with dumb arse limo drivers all night long at the VNY airport.

There's five FBO's, and probably just as many "private" hangar facilities.

I get these guys driving up to me all of the time asking "Is this where I go to pick people up at the VNY airport?"

The other favorite question I get: "Can you give me an info on the ETA for this flight?" Me: "Nope." What do you mean, no? "I mean I have no ETA for that flight." Does that mean the plane is not coming here? "No, it means I have no ETA for that flight." After I repeat myself three times, they get the picture.

Now, for you guys not in the know, yeah, I have a feed for inbound flights (through a commerical product) but the feed is only useful when the plane is airborne. If the plane is not in the air, I can't tell you when it lands, can I?

(My other favorite is when the stupid limo drivers ask "Is the plane late?" Hey stupid, the plane gets here when it gets here. There is no such thing as "late" if you own it, or are otherwise paying to charter it.)

 

[EMB170Pilot]

Are you the pilot or the copilot?

 

[Sig]

Waterhead: Ahh, you guys JET pilots?

Me: No, but this guy used to drive B52s.

Waterhead: Well, I HOPE the JET pilots show up. It's a 15 minute difference in flight time.

Me, referencing crew card: Nope, it's four.

Waterhead: Naw, it's like 15.

Me: Don't let facts get in the way, but hey- me just dive pwops.... drool...

 

[liz289101]

I swear people check their common sense at the security checkpoint!

- Walking in CLT airport near gates E4, 6, and 8, some old man came up to me and asked "I see gates E6 and 8, but where is E7?"
- Are you old enough to fly? (This has come from pax, ramp agents, and FAs)
- "Do you ever get tired of doing the seatbelt demonstration?" Mind you, this question is asked when I'm in uniform with the stripes clearly visible.
- Again in CLT, "Where is Concourse A?" (as mentioned earlier, directions to the various areas of the terminal are clearly marked).
- Waiting in CLE for the plane to arrive, "Are we flying a full-size airplane?"
- After the crash in LEX, "I hope you use the correct runway."
- A gate agent once refused to give me the flight release because she thought I was the flight attendant.
- During initial training at my airline, two FA trainees asked me if I had ever flown an airplane before.

 

[NuGuy]

Heyas,

Some of those out there reading this, of the "wear the hat to the supermarket" stripe, seem to take offense at some of our attitudes. "The pax pay your salary...blah, blah, blah..."

Well, to answer those guys back, I echo what another poster said. I don't care if you're talking to the guy dumping the sh!tter, you treat people with a modicum of respect and understanding until they give you reason to do otherwise. As Patrick Swayze once said: "Be nice, until its time to not be nice".

Unfortunately these days, most people have been raised to believe the world revolves around them, and think nothing of comming right up in your grill and start badgering you in an extremely rude way. So the time to not be nice is pretty much right now.

Steps to asking me a question:

1) Ensure that I am not engaged in some activity requiring speaking to someone else, or eating.

2) Remain at least one arms length away from me at all times.

3) Formulate your question first. Think, then speak.

4) Preface your question with "pardon me", "excuse me" or "your indulgence please, Grand Exhalted One"

5) Ask your question in as few words as possible. To not breath on me nor attempt to touch me in any way. Do NOT make eye contact.

6) If I deem it appropriate, I will answer your question to the best of my ability. If still confused, you may ask for one clarification.

7) When finished, bow slightly, reply "by your command", turn and withdraw.

By following these simple steps, you will minimize my discomfort in dealing with you.

Nu

 

[ePilot22]

Warning Labels

You know, there's a deer season, duck season, rabbit season, etc......why can't we have a stupid people season? For about 3 months out of the year, whenever you see someone that is stupid, you can just shoot 'em. That would be nice.

The problem is the warning labels on products. If they were removed most stupid people wouldn't last long.





eP.

 

[dingo222]

I had a new flight attendant ask me a question once. She was a young, knockout blonde, that just quit her job at hooters in OH and decided she wanted to fly. SO she asks " how long was your training?" i say, oh, about 8 weeks. She looks puzzled and says " My training was six weeks, I should have done the other two weeks and been a pilot......"

I sh*t you not.............