Pet Peeves While Airlining

[Ty Webb]

You guys are killing me . . . . one of the funniest strings I have read in a while.

People lose their minds when they get to the airport. How about those idiots that are moving in the flow of traffic through the concourse, and just STOP for no apparent reason, while you're hauling ass right behind them pulling 80 lbs of baggage . . . . . completely oblivious of everyone around them.

Two more to add-

A couple of weeks ago, I ordered a Bacardi and Coke, and the "aisle donkey" suggested that I buy two Bacardis at once which seemed smart. . . .but then she handed me a 6 ounce cup of coke to mix it with, and hauled ass! Hello, sweetheart, do ya think I might need a little more mixer? There ain't no such thing as a "rum martini".

Oh, and how about the clowns that take their seats and then suddenly decide they need to swim upstream to use the lav during boarding . . . . what planet do these fools come from? Hello! You just sat there for 45 minutes looking at restroom sign in the terminal, now you want to play salmon up the aisle during boarding to lock yourself in a frigging coat closet to take a dump? Do the whole planet a favor and don't reproduce.

 

[787]

Don't show them the boarding pass. TSA doesn't need to know you have a boarding pass with SSSSS on it. Just flash the badge and walk through. I never show TSA my boarding pass when I'm deadheading or non revving.

Grasshopper, that works if and only if your ID is issued by an airline that participates in the TSA's AOSSP(FAR 121, 108, 109). Too bad for the frac guys getting a ride home.

 

[FL420]

Don't show them the boarding pass. TSA doesn't need to know you have a boarding pass with SSSS on it. Just flash the badge and walk through. I never show TSA my boarding pass when I'm deadheading or non revving.

The Gate Agents are supposed to call TSA when they notice a Boarding Pass with the SSSS that hasn't been punched or marked to indicate you were passed through the Security Checkpoint. You are likely to end up someday holding up the pushback while two TSA folks search and wand you and your stuff at the gate.

You can usually avoid the SSSS at the kiosk by inputting your Frequent Flier number before you do anything else like selecting a seat. If you still get them you can go to the counter, showing your 121 ID(not sure about 135 or 91) to a supervisor and asking them to make the SSSS disappear.

 

[FL420]

People who wear huge backpacks who swing around and hit you in the face with them in a crowded jetway, aisle or on the tram.

People in front of you who recline their seats rapidly w/o warning, especially when your laptop is on the tray.

 

[niteflyr]

My personal biggest pet peeve is two words - "Regional Jet"


These are not meant for any flight longer than 2 hours, seats suck!

HOWEVER, did ride in a new 70 seater that had a first class in it and got the upgrade, not a bad ride. All the seats should be like the ones in first.

 

[gordon24]

One that pisses me off: Pax that think you are an airline pilot because you're in uniform and proceed to cut in front of you, etc, cause they think you have to take it. I had some tool cut in front of me at security and I looked at him and said, "Don't worry, there's no line." The dummy just gives me a blank stare. Then, security had to re-run his laptop thru the x-ray and my came laptop came out before his. He gives me this, "Hey, is that your laptop?" "Yea, it's mine." "You sure?" "Yep, I'm sure, mine is the one with all the porn." That shut him up.

Had the company buy a first-class ticket one time to get me to ATL. I take my seat and when they start boarding coach, some jerk-off gets on, sees me sitting in first, and loudly says, "I can't get my damn upgrade because they put the crew in first class." I said, "sorry chief, I don't fly for the airlines, and my company paid for this ticket. Enjoy the back of the bus." I don't think he was too happy.

I also hate it when some couple that is not seated together wants me to give up my aisle seat so they can sit together while I would end up in the middle between two fatties. Sorry, ain't gonna happen. I've looked several in the face and said no. That goes along with the old geezer that wants the exit row because he needs room for his "bum-leg." Yea, I want you blocking the aisle if we have to get out of the plane. Sorry gramps, I ain't moving.

 

[leardawg]

- When you board an airplane and notice the Captain is that student you gave up on years ago because he couldn't go on a solo cross-country without getting lost or generating a call from an FBO or FSS about some "crisis" (and he's now making 3X as much money as you!). You figure "Hey, I've been Sky-Diving and Bungee-Jumping; how much more death-defying can this be?"

- The Flight attendant who asks (with a concerned frown) to see your boarding pass because you're in uniform (everyone else boards the plane with no hassle) because she's convinced you're either an Al-Qaeda mole or some kind of stealth "Jump Seater Without Approval" scumbag.

- That loud "BANG" on some regional jets when they drop the landing gear. (Usually just when you've dozed off, dropped a spot of drool, and are dreaming about boning Kate Hudson after watching her "Airline Movie Of The Month".)

- When a HOT flight attendant sticks her bodacious buttocks 2 inches from your nose while serving refreshments and snacks, and you have the devil on one shoulder daring you to grab with both fists and MUNCH, while the angel on the other shoulder says "Don't do it! You'll be hauled off by the cops in ORD and labeled for life as a pervert! You'll be flying tissue samples in a Cargomaster from FAR-SUX for the next 3 decades!" But you know the "Butt in your face" maneuver was no accident! (She already gave you headphones free of charge while charging everyone else $5, and gave you extra snacks after you politely took only one! Oh, why did I have to go and get married?!!!).

- When the gay flight attendant sticks his HIV-ass 2 inches from your face, while serving refreshments and snacks, and you feel obliged to smile because he told you to "go ahead and sit in first class; I know we're not full today. Just let me know what you need and I'll take care of it for you!" as he gently touches your shoulder , causing you to frantically whip out your issue of FHM with Catherine Bell on the cover to re-affirm your manhood!

 

[learflyer]

* When the dooshbag has to get up and pee when the airline is on short final only to be yelled at by an FA

* When people clap when the airliner lands......STFU! I wonder how the pilot pulled it off this time!'

* When you are on day 8 and hour # 15 you finally make it to your domicile, pull up to the gate, and the CSA's are no where to be found to operate the jetway.

*FA's finallly get everyone seated, the acft is about to push back, and some knuckle has to get up and get something "really quick" out of his bag in the overhead.

* When people sit "spread eagle" and there knees are invading your 6 inches of real estate.

* When on day 8, and connecting through dulles with a tight connection, after just coming from SEATTLE IN A MIDDLE SEAT, you miss your connection to your domicile because that ugly people mover thing broke down! (really happened!)

 

[leardawg]

- When you REALLY gotta go, only to find the men's room is closed for "cleaning" (I literally wish I had a dollar for everytime that's happened to me!).

- "Armrest Hoggers" who claim both armrests (left and right) for themselves, leaving you to sit like The Mummy Of Ramses II for the next 3 hours.

- The guy dressed in flip flops and shorts on a flight to MSP in January when it's minus 20 and snowing there (it makes you shiver and come down with pneumonia just watching him!)

- The "Old Timer" in the seat behind you who spends the entire flight talking loudly to the guy next to him, and beginning each sentence with "Back in my day ..." (and actually uses the words Folderol and Tomfoolery in a sentence multiple times).

- That Chinese voice at the DTW aiport on the PA anouncements (Chieu Kweu; Kyew Massew Fingfangfong ...). Sounds like the Asian woman on Mad TV! (Swan something).

 

[Tommy Boy]

I think it's Mrs. Swan...she's awsome.

How about the 195yr old who doesn't change their depends even ONCE on the lax-jfk flight.

Or the kid who spends all 2hrs hanging over the headrest looking directly at you saying "Mommy!!! That man is a pirate!!!" And all the bitch does is says "yes honey.." while she downs her 5th cocktail.

Or at 04:30 a.m. waiting to board your 05:00 a.m. flight you hear..."So.....Are you a pilot?"

I have to agree with the "Hell NO I'm not trading seats with you nimrod!! I got this ticket 2hrs ago and I was smart enough to get on line and pick a decent seat!"

How about the people who always have to call everyone on their phone list to say..."Yeah I'm at the airport....just getting ready to board so I thought I would call you to let you know how lame I am."

But the worst HAS GOT to be getting on a southwest flight with all the trailor trash in the world going to disneyworld only to hear the flight attendant say "High, well we aren't high yet but we will be!!! hee hee Don't leave your kids in the overhead bins!!! hee hee Aren't we funny?!! Don't you just love southwest. WE do. We love southwest. Please come back again and again. We are just some wild and crazy flight attendants who love southwest!!

For god sake please give it a rest. AND ASSIGN SOME FREEKIN SEATS!!!