Pet Peeves While Airlining

[gordon24]

One that pisses me off: Pax that think you are an airline pilot because you're in uniform and proceed to cut in front of you, etc, cause they think you have to take it. I had some tool cut in front of me at security and I looked at him and said, "Don't worry, there's no line." The dummy just gives me a blank stare. Then, security had to re-run his laptop thru the x-ray and my came laptop came out before his. He gives me this, "Hey, is that your laptop?" "Yea, it's mine." "You sure?" "Yep, I'm sure, mine is the one with all the porn." That shut him up.

Had the company buy a first-class ticket one time to get me to ATL. I take my seat and when they start boarding coach, some jerk-off gets on, sees me sitting in first, and loudly says, "I can't get my damn upgrade because they put the crew in first class." I said, "sorry chief, I don't fly for the airlines, and my company paid for this ticket. Enjoy the back of the bus." I don't think he was too happy.

I also hate it when some couple that is not seated together wants me to give up my aisle seat so they can sit together while I would end up in the middle between two fatties. Sorry, ain't gonna happen. I've looked several in the face and said no. That goes along with the old geezer that wants the exit row because he needs room for his "bum-leg." Yea, I want you blocking the aisle if we have to get out of the plane. Sorry gramps, I ain't moving.

 

[leardawg]

- When you board an airplane and notice the Captain is that student you gave up on years ago because he couldn't go on a solo cross-country without getting lost or generating a call from an FBO or FSS about some "crisis" (and he's now making 3X as much money as you!). You figure "Hey, I've been Sky-Diving and Bungee-Jumping; how much more death-defying can this be?"

- The Flight attendant who asks (with a concerned frown) to see your boarding pass because you're in uniform (everyone else boards the plane with no hassle) because she's convinced you're either an Al-Qaeda mole or some kind of stealth "Jump Seater Without Approval" scumbag.

- That loud "BANG" on some regional jets when they drop the landing gear. (Usually just when you've dozed off, dropped a spot of drool, and are dreaming about boning Kate Hudson after watching her "Airline Movie Of The Month".)

- When a HOT flight attendant sticks her bodacious buttocks 2 inches from your nose while serving refreshments and snacks, and you have the devil on one shoulder daring you to grab with both fists and MUNCH, while the angel on the other shoulder says "Don't do it! You'll be hauled off by the cops in ORD and labeled for life as a pervert! You'll be flying tissue samples in a Cargomaster from FAR-SUX for the next 3 decades!" But you know the "Butt in your face" maneuver was no accident! (She already gave you headphones free of charge while charging everyone else $5, and gave you extra snacks after you politely took only one! Oh, why did I have to go and get married?!!!).

- When the gay flight attendant sticks his HIV-ass 2 inches from your face, while serving refreshments and snacks, and you feel obliged to smile because he told you to "go ahead and sit in first class; I know we're not full today. Just let me know what you need and I'll take care of it for you!" as he gently touches your shoulder , causing you to frantically whip out your issue of FHM with Catherine Bell on the cover to re-affirm your manhood!

 

[learflyer]

* When the dooshbag has to get up and pee when the airline is on short final only to be yelled at by an FA

* When people clap when the airliner lands......STFU! I wonder how the pilot pulled it off this time!'

* When you are on day 8 and hour # 15 you finally make it to your domicile, pull up to the gate, and the CSA's are no where to be found to operate the jetway.

*FA's finallly get everyone seated, the acft is about to push back, and some knuckle has to get up and get something "really quick" out of his bag in the overhead.

* When people sit "spread eagle" and there knees are invading your 6 inches of real estate.

* When on day 8, and connecting through dulles with a tight connection, after just coming from SEATTLE IN A MIDDLE SEAT, you miss your connection to your domicile because that ugly people mover thing broke down! (really happened!)

 

[leardawg]

- When you REALLY gotta go, only to find the men's room is closed for "cleaning" (I literally wish I had a dollar for everytime that's happened to me!).

- "Armrest Hoggers" who claim both armrests (left and right) for themselves, leaving you to sit like The Mummy Of Ramses II for the next 3 hours.

- The guy dressed in flip flops and shorts on a flight to MSP in January when it's minus 20 and snowing there (it makes you shiver and come down with pneumonia just watching him!)

- The "Old Timer" in the seat behind you who spends the entire flight talking loudly to the guy next to him, and beginning each sentence with "Back in my day ..." (and actually uses the words Folderol and Tomfoolery in a sentence multiple times).

- That Chinese voice at the DTW aiport on the PA anouncements (Chieu Kweu; Kyew Massew Fingfangfong ...). Sounds like the Asian woman on Mad TV! (Swan something).

 

[Tommy Boy]

I think it's Mrs. Swan...she's awsome.

How about the 195yr old who doesn't change their depends even ONCE on the lax-jfk flight.

Or the kid who spends all 2hrs hanging over the headrest looking directly at you saying "Mommy!!! That man is a pirate!!!" And all the bitch does is says "yes honey.." while she downs her 5th cocktail.

Or at 04:30 a.m. waiting to board your 05:00 a.m. flight you hear..."So.....Are you a pilot?"

I have to agree with the "Hell NO I'm not trading seats with you nimrod!! I got this ticket 2hrs ago and I was smart enough to get on line and pick a decent seat!"

How about the people who always have to call everyone on their phone list to say..."Yeah I'm at the airport....just getting ready to board so I thought I would call you to let you know how lame I am."

But the worst HAS GOT to be getting on a southwest flight with all the trailor trash in the world going to disneyworld only to hear the flight attendant say "High, well we aren't high yet but we will be!!! hee hee Don't leave your kids in the overhead bins!!! hee hee Aren't we funny?!! Don't you just love southwest. WE do. We love southwest. Please come back again and again. We are just some wild and crazy flight attendants who love southwest!!

For god sake please give it a rest. AND ASSIGN SOME FREEKIN SEATS!!!

 

[Grizz]

* When on day 8, and connecting through dulles with a tight connection, after just coming from SEATTLE IN A MIDDLE SEAT, you miss your connection to your domicile because that ugly people mover thing broke down! (really happened!)

Sounds like an after midnight and two extended days pay to me. $1500 and a comp day.

Oops. You guys don't have a union yet. Sorry.

 

[Grizz]

Learflyer-

Before you tee off on me - I know you want a union -- yesterday. I was merely pointing out to the lurkers how it sucks to be in your shoes without one right now.

 

[lowtimedriver]

Everytime I sit down after boarding and there is an open seat next to me I fantasize that a hottie will sit down next to me. I am immediately brought back to reality when some really big fat dude sits down next to me.

 

[Diesel]

Funny thread about time we have some humor here.

When you're sitting in first class and the FA is going around taking food orders. She gets to you and says, "I'll have to come back and get yours later." Then when you try to explain to her you're on a F class ticket she doesn't believe you and asks to see the stub. Then asks if you bought a discounted F class ticket.

When you're sitting there in first and the captain gets up and eyes you while he's about to go to the bathroom. As you get off the jet bridge said captain then proceeds to follow you up and lectures you about the etiquette of jump seating.

When you're in first, (I get upgraded a lot) and there is a dead heading crew on the airplane and they are sitting in coach. I enjoy the comments as they walk by about how they should be in first. Really, I'm sure you're company paid a grand about 2hrs before this flight to make sure you got to the plane.

The touch screens on Song where people thing you need to put your fist through to change the channel. So the whole flight my whole chair is moving because this guy has ADD and can't settle on a channel. Plus there is a volume and channel control on an armrest.

When you're the very last to board because security sucked and the person sitting in your row thinks they had the whole row to themselves. Then proceeds to argue with you about how they want to take a nap and can't you sit somewhere else. The phrase you're not even paying for this flight, I know how this works." came out of this woman.

Southwest, anywhere southwest flies, and any terminal southwest flies to. I've never been to Calcutta but that has to be pretty close.

 

[BombJet45]

Needs to be a warning

I starting reading this thread at 10pm and about woke up the whole family laughing. Too dang funny.

 

[da90drivr]

If you don't want to be treated badly because you look like a pilot why don't you just change your shirt before boarding? Not only will you get your first class meal but you can enjoy a glass of wine with your reheated chicken.

 

[tailhookah]

Lighten up francis....

Pet Peeves While Airlining
I figured I'd put this in the Fractional section because Frax types airline to and from work more than the average GA pilot, and I spent 3 years as one doing the Day 1/Go-home day thing with FLOPS.

My pet peeves while flying the airlines:

- The fat slob next to you who takes up 1 1/2 seats (I once spent an entire 3-hour flight leaning out in the aisle).

- Someone (usually named Habib) with rank B.O. sitting near you.

- The guy or gal that holds up the line during boarding in order to go through a routine before sitting in their seat (put bag in overhead, put briefcase in overhead, remove coat, fold coat, put coat neatly in overhead, tuck in shirt,
forget something in briefcase, open it, remove item, shut briefcase, check pockets for something, do the silent pointing "I'm in that seat" to other passenger already seated). JUST SIT THE F DOWN ALREADY!!!

-The passenger who insists on bring a steamer trunk on board as carry-on baggage, then can't get it into the overhead.

- The passenger that assumes because you are in uniform, you represent the airline, and are all-knowing about everything going on with that flight and the airport, or are a worthy target of passengers' frustration and wrath (I only wore my uniform if I knew I was going straight to a flight in my airplane).

- The passenger that seems surprised and put-out by TSA security measures that have been in place for a few years now, and holds up the line by arguing with them.

-Passengers that are standing in the aisle during boarding after you've taken your seat, and fart in your face point blank range (and there's nowhere to escape it!). I had that happen once (guy had bad B.O. too; he was standing next to my head for several minutes while someone else did the sit-down routine).

- Unruly, screaming kids.

- When you move to a better seat because you think everyone is on board, only to have Just Made It Joe arrive on board, out of breath, and make a beeline right for your new seat.

- When you're trying to make a tight connection, and your arrival gate is invariably at the farthest geometric point on the airport from your next gate.

- When you're trying to make that connection, and get stuck in the jetway behind Ma and Pa Kettle with no room to get around them.

-HAVING to take a crap in an airport restroom, especially after Habib is done using the stall!

-Using the handicapped stall to change out of your uniform, just as Ironsides or Guy Caballero shows up needing to go (and gives you a dirty look as you leave the stall 10 minutes later).

-Standing in the boarding line when they've called your Boarding Zone 1, and noticing the guy in front of you has one that says Boarding Zone 6 (there's a system, dude, and the plane ain't gonna leave without ya!). He proceeds to do the afore-mentioned Seating Routine.

I'm sure I'll think of more.

Go get another job where you don't have to airline then...

 

[AA717driver]

This thread is a hoot! People who are sensitive about airlines shouldn't read it.

I spent 15 years at an airline and a couple since then airlining around and I still can't figure out WHY THE %#@K THE RAMPERS CAN'T READ THE SCREEN AND KNOW THE PLANE HAS LANDED AND IS ON ITS WAY TO THE GATE!!!

I realize they aren't geniuses but it doesn't take one. SWA has its problems but that isn't one of them.TC

 

[ProFracPilot]

Then there's the non-Islamic middle eastern person who thinks he know's how to game the whole system. He's one of the last to board, got 5 carryons(somehow) through security and has to stow them about 15 rows behind him. He's up and gathering said carryons as we're just turning to enter the gate (no announcement from the FA's), but finds himself 5 rows aft when the seat belt sign goes out. Not one to let opportunity pass, I'm IMMEDIATELY in the aisle, determined to block this pr!ck. He's now rapidly spouting "excuseme excuseme - sir - please - excuseme". I just force my ample a$$ further across the aisle to assure he's not leaving before EVERYONE ahead of him, including me, has deplaned. He then has the gaul (no surprise here) to ask me "Why are you impeding my progress?". I told him that he was, quite frankly, the rudest a$$hole I'd yet to encounter in my many years of flying. The line continues behind me.

It got me a standing "O".

 

[HalinTexas]

I'm not a frax pilot, but I can sympathize. I commute. I'll add: All of the above, and coach seats. Period. I'm 6'4" and 240 lbs. No, it's not all fat! Just my ass.