Moronic Flight Attendant Stories

[ATRedneck]

We used to hire Spanish-speaking FAs for our Mexico and south Texas flying. Actually, non-English-speakers is a more accurate description.

The mighty ATR had a small service door across from the main cabin door through which they'd cater and load the checked bags into the aft cargo bay. The service door light was MELed, so when I briefed her I asked her to call up front when the service door had been closed.

She replied, "I canna close de door jet, we hanna gots de peeple on de plane!"

I patiently explained that it was the other door I wanted to know about.

"Chokay, I call you. But I canna close it jet, cose de peeeple jus got here."

She was still obviously unclear on the concept, so I said it was the small door that they pass the bags through.

"Ohh, joo meen de leeeetle door? Chokay, I let you know. But een a meeenute. We jus start to board."

It was at that point I decided I'd jump out the forward cardo door, walk to the back, and check it myself. Good thing I did, because after she called to say "Chokay, de door is chut now!" I went back, and sure enough the service door was wide open.

But the main cabin door was indeed 'chut'!

 

[ERJDRVR]

I love these threads...

This worked with a little help from a gate agent.
The F/A wasn't the brightest one we had, but very fun and attractive older lady.
I had the gate agent make up a fake itinerary and boarding pass for a pax by the name of Anita Mann. When we were done boarding and the F/A had finished her announcements I had a ramper come up to the cockpit. I pretended to talk to him and told him to watch this.
I handed the boarding pass to the F/A and asker her to page Anita Mann. Told her that the rampers needed her. The F/O, me & ramper tried to control our laughter as she announced numerous time over the PA, "Anita Mann ( which comes out I-NEED-A MAN) please press your call button".
Needless to say numerous jokesters in the back proceeded to ring there call light over and over...After talking to the jokesters in the back she made her way back to the front.
Needless to say the beat-red F/A returned to the cocpit to toss us our boarding pass back.
We got our own coffee the rest of the trip.

 

[BeachBummer]

Roflmao!!

Gave my dodge keys to the ops agent in mdw. Told the new girl that we forgot the keys. She promptly offered to run in and getem. she did and we left...
it wasnt till the next day she asked what kind of alarm we had on the saab!

this is too funny!

I love these threads...

This worked with a little help from a gate agent.
The F/A wasn't the brightest one we had, but very fun and attractive older lady.
I had the gate agent make up a fake itinerary and boarding pass for a pax by the name of Anita Mann. When we were done boarding and the F/A had finished her announcements I had a ramper come up to the cockpit. I pretended to talk to him and told him to watch this.
I handed the boarding pass to the F/A and asker her to page Anita Mann. Told her that the rampers needed her. The F/O, me & ramper tried to control our laughter as she announced numerous time over the PA Anita Mann ( which comes out I-NEED-A MAN) please press your call button.
Needless to say numerous jokesters in the back proceeded to ring there call light over and over...After talking to the jokesters in the back she made her way back to the front.
Needless to say the beat-red F/A returned to the cocpit to toss us our boarding pass back.
We got our own coffee the rest of the trip.

 

[Huck]

If we had a new one back in the EMB 120 days, I'd make a PA something like this:


"...and please say hello to your flight attendant, miss ___ ___. Ask her about her recipe for pecan pie - it was published in last month's Southern Living magazine...."

She'd spend the rest of the trip discussing pie with all the old ladies.

But ok, here's my favorite:

ASA used to not do any random drug tests until 2 weeks before the end of the year (saved on the cost of the nurse). Then they would grab everybody as they came off duty.

The FA I had that day told us, "I CANNOT get tested. I got a hot date, and he's going to be waiting for me, and I can't be late!"

So later whenever she walked in the cockpit, we'd be talking about Random Intelligence Tests. you know, "MAN I can't believe they're doing Random Intelligence Tests. Those ba$tards!"

Inbound on the last leg, I called her up and said, "Sorry, but they told me on the inrange, you got to do a Random Intelligence Test. Just go into ops and ask for it. It won't take long."

So after we blocked in, she ran in and started asking for it. Yeah we made our own coffee after that also....

 

[RSRVWINDSURFR]

We had a ferry flight with an extra crew on the ATR. We decided to play a trick on the F/A in the back of the plane. For those of you who don't know, the ATR has a cargo section between the cabin and the cockpit. The deadhead crew snuck into the forward cargo hold before the F/A got on the plane.

Anyways, halfway through the flight, the Captain went back into the cabin and started chatting with the F/A. A little while later, the F/O also came back to hang out. The flight attendant was like "Umm, isn't one of you supposed to be flying this thing?"(The unknown deadheading captain WAS) They were like "Ahh, that's what the autopilot is for." A little while later she asked "What if they need to talk to you on the radio?" They non-cholantly answered that they would call ATC and ask if they missed any calls when they went back up. After about 15mins. of this they say they should be getting back to the cockpit. The captain tries the door, and says to the F/O, darn, I forgot my door key, give me yours. The F/o starts to panic, and says he doesn't have his. The F/A starts to FREAK OUT!!! After jiggling the door for a while, the captain says he's going to charge the door. The F/A is almost in tears now........ The captain walks to the back of the plane, and runs toward the door at full speed, skids to a stop, and says, hey, maybe we should try knocking........ The dead-heading F/o opens the door from the cargo hold, and they (everyone but the F/A) starts rolling around laughing hysterically........Classic

 

[NewBlue]

Then there is the story about another of the "crazy 8s" from THAT airline. Short and sweet version is: Passenger complaining about breathing and requests O2. Slightly confused FA (instead of using first aid bottle) procedes to break out a PBE and place it on said passenger..............I've always wondered what happened after 15 minutes and the O2 was depleted.

 

[lowlycfi]

How about a moronic pilot story:

Had a DTW overnight many years ago and several of us decided to cross over to Windsor to go to the "Ballet." Walking through the border, the Canadian immigration officer asked us the purpose of our visit. Our dumb a$$ F/O pulls out a roll of cash and shouts out "were coming to see some ti**ies and get blow j*b's!!!!" Needless to say, we were not allowed into Canada.

 

[AVRO_FO]

One of our famous FA's wrote a flight crew up for chiming her under 10,000.


CP- How did you know they chimed you under 10k
FA- I have an altimeter watch
CP- And what did it say?
FA- 2500'
CP- That would be an accurate cabin altitue for a pressurized plane.
For what it worth.

 

[Chicken Taco]

Had an FA call up front a few months ago and ask that question we all love: "How much longer?"

Me: About an hour fifteen.

Her: OK, I have a curious passenger, Where are we?

Me: North Georgia, between Atlanta and Athens.

Her: So what city is that on the Left?

Me: Atlanta.

Her: Oh, OK, and on the right?

Me: Athens.

Her: Oh, OK. Well the passenger wanted to know what lake we're over.

Me (jokingly, since I'm from Ohio, I don't have a clue Georgia geography, and can't find my Captain's atlas): Hell if I know.

Her (sounding happy): OK, thanks.

(listening on the PA) Ladies and gentlemen, the captain says we have about an hour and fifteen minutes to Columbus. We are currently between Atlanta and Athens, over Lake Hellifiknow.. um....

Her (calling back up front): Hey, were you serious about that lake, because passengers just gave me funny looks.

Fortunately she was a good enough sport to laugh about it after..Priceless..

..CT

 

[jtharth]

we had a FA tell parents that every child under the age of 15 had to sit on the double side of the jungle jet....

 

[ATRedneck]

At an outstation one day they were playing "screw with the new agent."

They had the newbie crawl under that ATR with a trashbag and hold it up to the avionics vent fan to get an air sample. Filled the bag up quite nicely.

One time I swiped a piece of dry ice from the catering truck and tossed it in the crapper. In flight I called back and told the FA we had a pressure leak and it was probably in the lav, and asked her to check it out.

She called back freaking out, "Yeah, we have a huge leak! There's clouds coming through the toilet!"

 

[Dangerkitty]

Back when I was a brand new EMB-120 FO at Continental Express we broke down in Victoria, TX. We also had a brand new FA with us. Since we were going to be waiting in VCT for a few hours for the next plane to come in the Captain decides to mess with the FA.

He asks her if she is "ground repo" qualified. She looks at him like he had frogs coming out of his ears. He then tells her to call scheduling and dispatch to see if she had the quals so that we could taxi the Brasilia all the way back to Houston on the highway. He even printed up a fake dispatch release for the "freeway ferry"

He had her going for about one hour making all this phone calls and checking out the cabin of the aircraft for the fake ferry. I almost wet myself watching her do all that work.

 

[Ben Franklin]

Here's a combo FA/Pax story (pre 9/11):

Taxiing out the on the ATR the FA calls up and says that a passenger is really nervous about his baggage. I give the std. answer about bag connects and how the agents at the outstation will be best suited to help with bag concerns. She calls up a few mins later and explains that the pax has summoned her over to his seat and is QUITE ANGRY about his baggage situation and she requests that one of us come back there to calm this guy down. SO, being the moronic Captain that I am, I go back there and see this passenger motioning to me with a slight expression of relief that "someone who knows what's going on is here now..." Well, he explains to me that we aren't taking care of his baggage properly and how the hell are we going to ensure that HIS bag makes it after we take off...I calmly explain "sir, I am sorry but if your bag is on the plane, I can assure you that it will make it to KXXX"..it's about this time that he motions me and the FA closer as he points out the window to the main gear door and says, "yeah, but y'all left the dern baggage door open!!! - how you know that mah bag ain't gunna fall out?!?!?" A few passengers near us began to chuckle and look the other way awkwardly and one business man looked at me as he was laughing to see what I would do...

I have never had to explain the world to someone before like that while containing violent laugheter. He DID have a nice looking tooth, though.


Sincerely,

B. Franklin

 

[BigShotXJTdrvr]

This occured before laser ticket readers were introduced at Continental a couple of years ago. Boarding passes used to be hand checked.

Upon finishing the post flight walk around one night in Montreal, I had a very distraught and confused loooking older asian (chinese I think) gentleman come up to me as I approached the hardstand stairs. He looks at me and says (insert very politically uncorrect chinese accent here): "I wan to go to Ro-ches-ta! No Can-a-da!"

On the van ride to the hotel the FA says "When he was getting on I thought it was weird he was asking about Rochester when we were going to Montreal." True story.

 

[skid]

Some of the best stories I have heard are from when the FA's are on IOE.

1. Lav hot caution light: Call the FA and tell them you have a "LAV HOT CAUTION LIGHT" Ask them to dump some ice down the lav to cool it down. Then have them call back to see if it went out.

2. Tell them to make an announcement to ask the pax to have all the personal air vents on and pointed to the back to get max thrust for take off.

3. Air sample for maint: Ask them to grab a big plastic bag and scoop up some air for use by maint to test the air quality coming out of the vents. (you would be suprised how many times this has worked.)

If you have a chance, try these with a newbie and sit back and enjoy the show

 

[Wasted]

Back before we had weight & balance functions in our ACARS, we did a paper w&b before each flight and handed a copy to the F/A to hand out the main door to the station personnel for filing. Well, sometimes when the clock ran down and the w&b was not done, we would instead shut the main door to trip the ACARS out time and then send the w&b out the cockpit window afterwards.

One day, things were running behind and the F/A was told to shut the door and that the w&b would be handed out the window instead. F/A said OK and the main cabin door slammed shut. Several minutes later, the w&b was completed, and as the CA looked up to hand the form out the window, saw that the F/A was standing in the jetway next to the cockpit window waiting for the form.

 

[Capt. Caucasian]

When I first saw the title of this thread, I thought it said "MORMONIC" stories...being at SkyW, those I have!

Had a flight attendant once ask me how long ground school was for us. I said "well, three weeks class, week of sim, check-ride, ioe...about two months by the time all is said and done."

she said "really, all I had to do is go thru another month, and I could have been a pilot?"

me "yes...yes...that's all you had to do. in fact, call your chief fa and ask her if you can go back to class next month."

her "good idea"

She was blonde haired, blue eyed, and from Bountiful...almost like shootin' fish in a barrell.

the door closed, and my captain almost wet himself.

That exact same thing happened to me on time. Also, I had a FA ask why I never wanted to be a captain to which I replied, "excuse me?" She thought that captains where hired to be captains and FOs where hired to only be FOs. She had been with the company for over a year.

Frats,

 

[regionalhell]

New flight attendent loitering in cockpit before boarding asks,

"Hey, what botton do you guys hit when you need to call me for something?"

The Captain, who moments before seemed be be totally ignoring the conversation, points to a selector botton for the DG controller labeled SLAVE.

The flight attendants eyes grew huge in disgust and disbelief, and she stormed out of the cockpit.

At the end of the day she still honestly believed her call botton was labeled SLAVE.

I told her the airplane was made in Canada, and that they aren't very PC up North just yet.

 

[wild bill kelso]

The Ca and F/o were in the lobby waiting for the new F/a to come down. 6:00 am van and at 6:10 still a no show. So the Ca calls her room. "Your late whats going on?" She tells him she can't get out. One door in her room opens to another door that dosn't have a door knob. She then says "The other one has a do not disturb sign on it!"

 

[capt. megadeth]

I had an FA who was trying to eat healthy. So, one day we are in the terminal and she says "I am in the mood for a vegetable pizza". I said "I thought you were trying to eat healthy". She says, "it is healthy, it has vegetables on it." Duh!

There was another story I heard about an FA on the Saab. The crew needed her to move all the passengers to section C (aft) for weight and balance. Needless to say, every pax ended up in the C window seats on the right side of the airplane. Hello!?!?!?!?