Moronic Flight Attendant Stories

[ATRedneck]

At an outstation one day they were playing "screw with the new agent."

They had the newbie crawl under that ATR with a trashbag and hold it up to the avionics vent fan to get an air sample. Filled the bag up quite nicely.

One time I swiped a piece of dry ice from the catering truck and tossed it in the crapper. In flight I called back and told the FA we had a pressure leak and it was probably in the lav, and asked her to check it out.

She called back freaking out, "Yeah, we have a huge leak! There's clouds coming through the toilet!"

 

[Dangerkitty]

Back when I was a brand new EMB-120 FO at Continental Express we broke down in Victoria, TX. We also had a brand new FA with us. Since we were going to be waiting in VCT for a few hours for the next plane to come in the Captain decides to mess with the FA.

He asks her if she is "ground repo" qualified. She looks at him like he had frogs coming out of his ears. He then tells her to call scheduling and dispatch to see if she had the quals so that we could taxi the Brasilia all the way back to Houston on the highway. He even printed up a fake dispatch release for the "freeway ferry"

He had her going for about one hour making all this phone calls and checking out the cabin of the aircraft for the fake ferry. I almost wet myself watching her do all that work.

 

[Ben Franklin]

Here's a combo FA/Pax story (pre 9/11):

Taxiing out the on the ATR the FA calls up and says that a passenger is really nervous about his baggage. I give the std. answer about bag connects and how the agents at the outstation will be best suited to help with bag concerns. She calls up a few mins later and explains that the pax has summoned her over to his seat and is QUITE ANGRY about his baggage situation and she requests that one of us come back there to calm this guy down. SO, being the moronic Captain that I am, I go back there and see this passenger motioning to me with a slight expression of relief that "someone who knows what's going on is here now..." Well, he explains to me that we aren't taking care of his baggage properly and how the hell are we going to ensure that HIS bag makes it after we take off...I calmly explain "sir, I am sorry but if your bag is on the plane, I can assure you that it will make it to KXXX"..it's about this time that he motions me and the FA closer as he points out the window to the main gear door and says, "yeah, but y'all left the dern baggage door open!!! - how you know that mah bag ain't gunna fall out?!?!?" A few passengers near us began to chuckle and look the other way awkwardly and one business man looked at me as he was laughing to see what I would do...

I have never had to explain the world to someone before like that while containing violent laugheter. He DID have a nice looking tooth, though.


Sincerely,

B. Franklin

 

[BigShotXJTdrvr]

This occured before laser ticket readers were introduced at Continental a couple of years ago. Boarding passes used to be hand checked.

Upon finishing the post flight walk around one night in Montreal, I had a very distraught and confused loooking older asian (chinese I think) gentleman come up to me as I approached the hardstand stairs. He looks at me and says (insert very politically uncorrect chinese accent here): "I wan to go to Ro-ches-ta! No Can-a-da!"

On the van ride to the hotel the FA says "When he was getting on I thought it was weird he was asking about Rochester when we were going to Montreal." True story.

 

[skid]

Some of the best stories I have heard are from when the FA's are on IOE.

1. Lav hot caution light: Call the FA and tell them you have a "LAV HOT CAUTION LIGHT" Ask them to dump some ice down the lav to cool it down. Then have them call back to see if it went out.

2. Tell them to make an announcement to ask the pax to have all the personal air vents on and pointed to the back to get max thrust for take off.

3. Air sample for maint: Ask them to grab a big plastic bag and scoop up some air for use by maint to test the air quality coming out of the vents. (you would be suprised how many times this has worked.)

If you have a chance, try these with a newbie and sit back and enjoy the show

 

[Wasted]

Back before we had weight & balance functions in our ACARS, we did a paper w&b before each flight and handed a copy to the F/A to hand out the main door to the station personnel for filing. Well, sometimes when the clock ran down and the w&b was not done, we would instead shut the main door to trip the ACARS out time and then send the w&b out the cockpit window afterwards.

One day, things were running behind and the F/A was told to shut the door and that the w&b would be handed out the window instead. F/A said OK and the main cabin door slammed shut. Several minutes later, the w&b was completed, and as the CA looked up to hand the form out the window, saw that the F/A was standing in the jetway next to the cockpit window waiting for the form.

 

[Capt. Caucasian]

When I first saw the title of this thread, I thought it said "MORMONIC" stories...being at SkyW, those I have!

Had a flight attendant once ask me how long ground school was for us. I said "well, three weeks class, week of sim, check-ride, ioe...about two months by the time all is said and done."

she said "really, all I had to do is go thru another month, and I could have been a pilot?"

me "yes...yes...that's all you had to do. in fact, call your chief fa and ask her if you can go back to class next month."

her "good idea"

She was blonde haired, blue eyed, and from Bountiful...almost like shootin' fish in a barrell.

the door closed, and my captain almost wet himself.

That exact same thing happened to me on time. Also, I had a FA ask why I never wanted to be a captain to which I replied, "excuse me?" She thought that captains where hired to be captains and FOs where hired to only be FOs. She had been with the company for over a year.

Frats,

 

[regionalhell]

New flight attendent loitering in cockpit before boarding asks,

"Hey, what botton do you guys hit when you need to call me for something?"

The Captain, who moments before seemed be be totally ignoring the conversation, points to a selector botton for the DG controller labeled SLAVE.

The flight attendants eyes grew huge in disgust and disbelief, and she stormed out of the cockpit.

At the end of the day she still honestly believed her call botton was labeled SLAVE.

I told her the airplane was made in Canada, and that they aren't very PC up North just yet.

 

[wild bill kelso]

The Ca and F/o were in the lobby waiting for the new F/a to come down. 6:00 am van and at 6:10 still a no show. So the Ca calls her room. "Your late whats going on?" She tells him she can't get out. One door in her room opens to another door that dosn't have a door knob. She then says "The other one has a do not disturb sign on it!"

 

[capt. megadeth]

I had an FA who was trying to eat healthy. So, one day we are in the terminal and she says "I am in the mood for a vegetable pizza". I said "I thought you were trying to eat healthy". She says, "it is healthy, it has vegetables on it." Duh!

There was another story I heard about an FA on the Saab. The crew needed her to move all the passengers to section C (aft) for weight and balance. Needless to say, every pax ended up in the C window seats on the right side of the airplane. Hello!?!?!?!?