Moronic Flight Attendant Stories

[ATRedneck]

At an outstation one day they were playing "screw with the new agent."

They had the newbie crawl under that ATR with a trashbag and hold it up to the avionics vent fan to get an air sample. Filled the bag up quite nicely.

One time I swiped a piece of dry ice from the catering truck and tossed it in the crapper. In flight I called back and told the FA we had a pressure leak and it was probably in the lav, and asked her to check it out.

She called back freaking out, "Yeah, we have a huge leak! There's clouds coming through the toilet!"

 

[Dangerkitty]

Back when I was a brand new EMB-120 FO at Continental Express we broke down in Victoria, TX. We also had a brand new FA with us. Since we were going to be waiting in VCT for a few hours for the next plane to come in the Captain decides to mess with the FA.

He asks her if she is "ground repo" qualified. She looks at him like he had frogs coming out of his ears. He then tells her to call scheduling and dispatch to see if she had the quals so that we could taxi the Brasilia all the way back to Houston on the highway. He even printed up a fake dispatch release for the "freeway ferry"

He had her going for about one hour making all this phone calls and checking out the cabin of the aircraft for the fake ferry. I almost wet myself watching her do all that work.

 

[Ben Franklin]

Here's a combo FA/Pax story (pre 9/11):

Taxiing out the on the ATR the FA calls up and says that a passenger is really nervous about his baggage. I give the std. answer about bag connects and how the agents at the outstation will be best suited to help with bag concerns. She calls up a few mins later and explains that the pax has summoned her over to his seat and is QUITE ANGRY about his baggage situation and she requests that one of us come back there to calm this guy down. SO, being the moronic Captain that I am, I go back there and see this passenger motioning to me with a slight expression of relief that "someone who knows what's going on is here now..." Well, he explains to me that we aren't taking care of his baggage properly and how the hell are we going to ensure that HIS bag makes it after we take off...I calmly explain "sir, I am sorry but if your bag is on the plane, I can assure you that it will make it to KXXX"..it's about this time that he motions me and the FA closer as he points out the window to the main gear door and says, "yeah, but y'all left the dern baggage door open!!! - how you know that mah bag ain't gunna fall out?!?!?" A few passengers near us began to chuckle and look the other way awkwardly and one business man looked at me as he was laughing to see what I would do...

I have never had to explain the world to someone before like that while containing violent laugheter. He DID have a nice looking tooth, though.


Sincerely,

B. Franklin

 

[BigShotXJTdrvr]

This occured before laser ticket readers were introduced at Continental a couple of years ago. Boarding passes used to be hand checked.

Upon finishing the post flight walk around one night in Montreal, I had a very distraught and confused loooking older asian (chinese I think) gentleman come up to me as I approached the hardstand stairs. He looks at me and says (insert very politically uncorrect chinese accent here): "I wan to go to Ro-ches-ta! No Can-a-da!"

On the van ride to the hotel the FA says "When he was getting on I thought it was weird he was asking about Rochester when we were going to Montreal." True story.

 

[skid]

Some of the best stories I have heard are from when the FA's are on IOE.

1. Lav hot caution light: Call the FA and tell them you have a "LAV HOT CAUTION LIGHT" Ask them to dump some ice down the lav to cool it down. Then have them call back to see if it went out.

2. Tell them to make an announcement to ask the pax to have all the personal air vents on and pointed to the back to get max thrust for take off.

3. Air sample for maint: Ask them to grab a big plastic bag and scoop up some air for use by maint to test the air quality coming out of the vents. (you would be suprised how many times this has worked.)

If you have a chance, try these with a newbie and sit back and enjoy the show

 

[Wasted]

Back before we had weight & balance functions in our ACARS, we did a paper w&b before each flight and handed a copy to the F/A to hand out the main door to the station personnel for filing. Well, sometimes when the clock ran down and the w&b was not done, we would instead shut the main door to trip the ACARS out time and then send the w&b out the cockpit window afterwards.

One day, things were running behind and the F/A was told to shut the door and that the w&b would be handed out the window instead. F/A said OK and the main cabin door slammed shut. Several minutes later, the w&b was completed, and as the CA looked up to hand the form out the window, saw that the F/A was standing in the jetway next to the cockpit window waiting for the form.

 

[Capt. Caucasian]

When I first saw the title of this thread, I thought it said "MORMONIC" stories...being at SkyW, those I have!

Had a flight attendant once ask me how long ground school was for us. I said "well, three weeks class, week of sim, check-ride, ioe...about two months by the time all is said and done."

she said "really, all I had to do is go thru another month, and I could have been a pilot?"

me "yes...yes...that's all you had to do. in fact, call your chief fa and ask her if you can go back to class next month."

her "good idea"

She was blonde haired, blue eyed, and from Bountiful...almost like shootin' fish in a barrell.

the door closed, and my captain almost wet himself.

That exact same thing happened to me on time. Also, I had a FA ask why I never wanted to be a captain to which I replied, "excuse me?" She thought that captains where hired to be captains and FOs where hired to only be FOs. She had been with the company for over a year.

Frats,

 

[regionalhell]

New flight attendent loitering in cockpit before boarding asks,

"Hey, what botton do you guys hit when you need to call me for something?"

The Captain, who moments before seemed be be totally ignoring the conversation, points to a selector botton for the DG controller labeled SLAVE.

The flight attendants eyes grew huge in disgust and disbelief, and she stormed out of the cockpit.

At the end of the day she still honestly believed her call botton was labeled SLAVE.

I told her the airplane was made in Canada, and that they aren't very PC up North just yet.

 

[wild bill kelso]

The Ca and F/o were in the lobby waiting for the new F/a to come down. 6:00 am van and at 6:10 still a no show. So the Ca calls her room. "Your late whats going on?" She tells him she can't get out. One door in her room opens to another door that dosn't have a door knob. She then says "The other one has a do not disturb sign on it!"

 

[capt. megadeth]

I had an FA who was trying to eat healthy. So, one day we are in the terminal and she says "I am in the mood for a vegetable pizza". I said "I thought you were trying to eat healthy". She says, "it is healthy, it has vegetables on it." Duh!

There was another story I heard about an FA on the Saab. The crew needed her to move all the passengers to section C (aft) for weight and balance. Needless to say, every pax ended up in the C window seats on the right side of the airplane. Hello!?!?!?!?

 

[skyaddict]

BTV. Vermont ANG Hangars have dates commemorating the military lineage to 1776. We pointed it out to the FA and that this is the oldest air unit in the country, almost 230 years old, and she bought it.~

Another one: on a repo flight, FA was told to buckle up as we were about to do a barrel roll, and when it didn't happen she asked when it was coming.

Oh, we've had all sorts of interesting FA interpretations as to what the automated "minimums" call is, including "mini-bumps" (ahoy! mini-bumps ahead!).

 

[exdashdriver]

Not really a story of a moronic FA, but funny none the less….



I was a brand-spankn’ new FO on the mighty Dash 8 and still learning how to land the ugly beast. We were going into Philly, runway 35, I was flying and it was VERY busy (one of those days you love to be at PHL). Five miles out my IOE Capt tells me not to worry about finesse on this one—just put it down and get off the runway. Well that’s exactly what I did….one of the toughest landings I’ve had.



We park, shutdown and unload. After the last pax is off, the FA bursts into the flight deck and yells “Who the F*%^# did that landing?” The Capt smirks and points over at me. She looked right in my eyes and said “I want to thank you. That landing was so hard…YOU STARTED MY PERIOD EARLY!” The Capt almost started to cry he was laughing so hard.



She gave me a little wink, turned around and left. Needless to say I paid for the drinks that night.

 

[767200]

A friend of mine flying for a carrier down in South America told me this story;


A brand new F/A was doing 2 consecutive turns to the same city on the same day. So when they got to the city (the first time) the Capt made up some story and told her to get to the check in area and bring some "paperwork". The gate agents, aware of the trick, stalled her for quite some time so when she finally got back the airplane had already left....without her......she cried until the gate agents told her it was the "usual" thing to do to new F/A.....

 

[FL000]

New flight attendent loitering in cockpit before boarding asks,

"Hey, what botton do you guys hit when you need to call me for something?"

The Captain, who moments before seemed be be totally ignoring the conversation, points to a selector botton for the DG controller labeled SLAVE.

The flight attendants eyes grew huge in disgust and disbelief, and she stormed out of the cockpit.

At the end of the day she still honestly believed her call botton was labeled SLAVE.

I told her the airplane was made in Canada, and that they aren't very PC up North just yet.

and you don't know how to spell "button." I'm thinking you don't need to be sharing dumb F/A stories.

 

[Metro752]

and you don't know how to spell "button." I'm thinking you don't need to be sharing dumb F/A stories.

Calling Dr. Engrish, Dr. GammEr, Dr. Speiling

 

[ABXbooger]

Heres a couple from when I flew pax:

I got some "comat" stickers from ops and asked the FA for some plastic ice bags. I filled the stickers in with meaningless data, then called the FA back to the cockpit. I told her we had to get some "air samples" from every other row of the plane from the gaspers. 10 minutes later I had several puffy bags of air!

On the E-120 there were 2 hydraulic systems, blue and green. Occasionally the fluid would be "low". We would tell the FA that we needed her to flush the lav to increase the blue system. They where usually amazed.

Going into CHO one night, about 10 minutes out, I chimed the FA to sit em down. I heard her do her spiel then the lav door opened and a foul odor emanated. The CA looked at me I said "not me" then said it was someone in the lav, he told me to call back and get them outta there, we're landing. As I chimed the FA, I heard the door open and the FA answered. I asked her if someone was in the lav, her reply..."well I just was but it's empty now". My only answer was "nevermind"

No more FA's, no more pax...gotta love it!

 

[Rez O. Lewshun]

Pretty dang funny IMO. But not too sure there were any Mensa society members onboard this flight. I mean, the crater hit the earth ? Good story nonetheless.

Ouch.....

Now, if I were an FA that would be funny......


DL pilot told me the crater story and aslo this one...

Took off out of SFO. Longer than normal vectors westbound up to FL200. FA comes into the cockpit and says 'WOW! What body of water is that?'

Pilot says, 'Ummm thats the Pacific Ocean.'
FA replies 'No its not. (thinking he is trying to fool her and she concludes...) I've been to Hawaii before, I've seen the Pacific Ocean.'

(What do you do....?????)

 

[Dangerkitty]

Calling Dr. Engrish, Dr. GammEr, Dr. Speiling

Its all fun and games until someone starts the grammar and spelling critque.

 

[ATRedneck]

This brand new FA goes to the pharmacy and asks for a box of 30 condoms, each one different and unique. The pharmacist scrounges around and finds a variety pack, and off goes the FA.

This goes on for many months, so that the pharmacist recognizes the FA and gets the variety pack o' condoms out for her.

After about 8 months she comes in and the pharmacist says, "Hey, I have your variety pack for ya."

The FA replies, "Sorry, not this month. I need a pack of 30 rubbers, every one identical."

So the pharmacist digs out a regular old box of 30, and as he's ringing her up, he asks her, "You've been buying the variety pack of condoms for nearly a year. You mind if I ask, why the change all of a sudden?"

To which the FA answers, "I got a line this month!"

 

[MarineGrunt]

Sort of a moronic ramper story, but at the expense of an FA.

We were finishing loading bags on a already full CRJ, and the other ramper started telling stories about the FA on board. For those that don't know, pax in the cabin can hear almost EVERYTHING that is said in the baggage compartment of the CRJ, since most of the time we are shouting to hear over the APU. Anyway, this dude started sharing stories (not knowing others could hear) about the FA having a threesome with a certain Captain and FO (at least I think that was the line-up). The story got pretty graphic. I toss the last bag up to him and turn around to jump off the baggage cart, only to see ONE PI$$ED OFF FA standing there! The only thing I could think of doing is saying "IT WASN'T ME!", as I took off running to my tug and driving as fast and far away as possible. I felt kinda bad leaving him to fend for himself, but if you saw the look on this chick's face, you'da been gone too! Must have been a loooong flight for her!

 

[ERJDRVR]

bump... too funny to let die.

 

[FL000]

Calling Dr. Engrish, Dr. GammEr, Dr. Speiling

Dr. Irony

 

[Carl S.]

Once asked the F/A if she participated in the company 401k...
No, she responded, I'm not a runner....

 

[OPECJet]

Overheard an FA complaining about her job in the crew room. She was ranting about how pilots had it so easy, and since the training was only 4 weeks longer than FA training, she was going back for the extra 4 weeks so she could be a pilot.

 

[Dangerkitty]

Overheard an FA complaining about her job in the crew room. She was ranting about how pilots had it so easy, and since the training was only 4 weeks longer than FA training, she was going back for the extra 4 weeks so she could be a pilot.

I think that story above is about to get "urban rumor" status. I have heard it at Continental Express, American Airlines, and now on flightinfo twice. Its a funny story but I doubt its authenticity. Unless of course it comes with a statement of authenticity from the Franklin Mint.

 

[CLE145CA]

Back before we had weight & balance functions in our ACARS, we did a paper w&b before each flight and handed a copy to the F/A to hand out the main door to the station personnel for filing. Well, sometimes when the clock ran down and the w&b was not done, we would instead shut the main door to trip the ACARS out time and then send the w&b out the cockpit window afterwards.

One day, things were running behind and the F/A was told to shut the door and that the w&b would be handed out the window instead. F/A said OK and the main cabin door slammed shut. Several minutes later, the w&b was completed, and as the CA looked up to hand the form out the window, saw that the F/A was standing in the jetway next to the cockpit window waiting for the form.

That is a true story. This same F/A was working a flight with an armed-agent on board. The agent came down, showed his badge and said, "Hi, my name is Mike and I'm a L.E.O."

She said, "Nice to meet you. My name is *censored* and I'm a Virgo."

He looks at her dumbfounded and says, "No, I am a L.E.O. L-E-O"

She says, "And I'm a V-I-R-G-O!"

Another story related to ATRredneck's: Back on the Brasilia when we were doing all those Spanish-speaking flight attendant hires (i.e. non-English speaking) I had a flight to Laredo, TX.

The flight attendant and I were walking to our plane and I am relaying a story. She just keeps looking at me and smiling the entire time. Well, we get to the hard-stand in IAH and I open the door to the aircraft. The typical 150 degree interior heat comes out since no a/c cart is hooked up.

Now if anyone doesn't know what the Brasilia is like in the summer time on the ramp with no a/c...let's just say Port-O'Potty at an outdoor rocket concert. The stench was horrible.

I told her, "I am going to call for lav service and an aircart."

She said, "Es OK I got coke."

"No, I am calling for lav service and an aircart."

"No, no need no ice."

"No, you don't understand. Stinky in here. Puew!? We need lav service."

"No, we no need no catering. Gots all."

I relayed the story to the captain when he showed up at the airplane. He asked her if the lav had been cleaned. She said, "We no need nothing."

That is when the captain went to inflight and filed a complaint. Absolutely true story. Wasn't funny at the time, but man is it fun to tell and watch people start rolling.

 

[KeroseneSnorter]

I think that story above is about to get "urban rumor" status. I have heard it at Continental Express, American Airlines, and now on flightinfo twice. Its a funny story but I doubt its authenticity. Unless of course it comes with a statement of authenticity from the Franklin Mint.

No it's a true story.....it's just that so many F/A's have no idea what it takes to be a pilot. Many had never been on an airplane more than once or twice before getting hired.

I have had two F/A's make the same statement to me, at the same airline.

It sounds like an urban legend simply because so many F/A's are clueless and make the same silly remark.

I can probably print up a statement of authenticity from furloughed, mint eating pilots association though if you like!

 

[jetexas]

On the ATR I had one bring me the head count and say "31 pax". There were 9 pax in section A, and 12 in section B. Since she didn't fill out the C section count, I just assumed there were 10 there and started to fill that out. She said "oh theres no one in C". I said, oh ok, then there must only be 21 Pax, not 31.
At this she said, "No, 31 passengers.. 9 + 12 is 31!"
I had her count on her fingers and she still didn't get it. She stormed out of the cockpit saying "9 +12 'IS' 31 ... and stop messing with me!!"

 

[chperplt]

I had her count on her fingers and she still didn't get it. She stormed out of the cockpit saying "9 +12 'IS' 31 ... and stop messing with me!!"

That's too funny.. I've had a similar experience more than once.

 

[Flechas]

What are you guys talking about, 21 + 9 is 21!