Moronic Flight Attendant Stories

[Standby 1]

Waiting to board in ABQ, our 60-ish FA approaches the cockpit and asks me in a very concerned manner, "The agent hasn't brought me the international paperwork yet.....How far into Mexico do we have to go before the international paperwork is required?"

Capt (a little too sarcastic for my taste) - "Darlin', we're in New Mexico right now, not Old Mexico."

Me to Capt - "Well thank you, Billy the Kid, you just made the lady cry."






...

 

[Mookie]

When I first saw the title of this thread, I thought it said "MORMONIC" stories...being at SkyW, those I have!

Had a flight attendant once ask me how long ground school was for us. I said "well, three weeks class, week of sim, check-ride, ioe...about two months by the time all is said and done."

she said "really, all I had to do is go thru another month, and I could have been a pilot?"

me "yes...yes...that's all you had to do. in fact, call your chief fa and ask her if you can go back to class next month."

her "good idea"

She was blonde haired, blue eyed, and from Bountiful...almost like shootin' fish in a barrell.

the door closed, and my captain almost wet himself.

 

[jetexas]

Told to me by an AA friend..
They were flying to (or over?) Panana city, Panama. The flight attendant was up front for a quick visit. The captain made a comment about all the ships waiting to go through the canal.
FA: "What canal"
Captain: "Uh, the Panama Canal"
FA: "There's a canal in Panama!?!"

 

[Weasil]

the crater hit the earth ? Good story nonetheless.

Hahahahaha... now that's too funny. Gotta watch out for those holes in the ground zooming around in space... hahahahahaha.....

My favorite,

New flight attendant was told the autopilot engage button is the one to press to cancel the call light in the galley - so when she brought coffee up the captain would turn the auto pilot off and she would hand them their drinks and reach up and turn the auto pilot back on for them (thinking she was canceling the call light).

Next month a crew is at cruise altitude with a/p engaged and they called for FA to bring them a drink, she hands them their drinks - reaches up and turns off the autopilot and turns around and walks out..... well you can imagine the rest for yourself.
_________________________________________________

FA to Captain: This passenger just grabbed my breasts!
CA to FA: Really, how did that happen?
FA to CA: Well he bet me a dollar that he could touch my breasts and I wouldn't know and I said ok and then he grabbed my breasts, reached into his pocket and pulled out a dollar and said - "Here, best dollar I ever spent"

 

[Lear70]

One of our younger and cuter (but not necessarily brighter) flight attendants was dating a Captain who was originally from Spain, had a VERY strong accent, and one day, after they had been dating for several months, they stopped in the hallway by ops to talk to another Spanish friend.

Needless to say, they decided to talk in their native tongue, and suddenly the flight attendant stops him by exclaiming, "I didn't know you spoke Spanish! Why didn't you tell me?" The entire crew room stops what they're doing and turns around to see if she's serious... she is.

He turns to her and says, "Where you thinka I'm from?"

She realizes she's said something stupid but can't grasp what it is... "Spain", she says tentatively.

"And what language do you think wesa speak in eSpain?"

She looked frantically around, realizing that every crewmember in the room had stopped what they were doing and was staring at her, "Ummm... English?" she squeaks.

The room loses it and everyone starts dying laughing. We have lots of foreign pilots here, many from France, Germany, you name it. Now no one can resist including in their briefing is she knows what language is spoken in those countries! I think she hates us now...

 

[FurloughedAgain]

About 4 years ago I was a copilot on a 737 for a large airline. We were sitting in FLL getting ready to head back up to Philly when who should climb aboard but Bob Dole.

The flight attendant comes up front and says, "The gate agent just told me that someone named Bob Dole is going to be on board. Who is Bob Dole?"

I said, "You know, Bob Dole! He was on those Pepsi commercials with Brittany Spears."

So she goes back to make Mr. Dole comfortable and says, "Welcome Aboard Mister Dole. If you dont mind me asking, did you ever get to MEET Brittany Spears??!!"

wow... (and for those of you who worked for that airline... yep, she was a crazy 8)

 

[Sun Devil 2000]

Kinda Funny

Before reading the rest of this post I must tell you I live in the middle of the bible belt.


I graduated from Arizona State and have two Sun Devil stickers on my flight bag. One morning while eating breakfast at the hotel the flight attendant sat down and joined me. I had never flown with her before so we introduced ourselves and she proceeded to tell me her life story .. especially about her church.

We get ready to get on the van for the airport when she notices my bag and asks in a shocked tone "Is that the devil on your bag?" The look on her face was priceless. I said yeah - and left it at that! I think she thought I worshiped the devil.. needless to say I wasnt spoken to for the rest of the trip.

 

[jetexas]

This is an old one but I still do it to newbies.

Print out an ACARS 'test page' and tell them if they stare at it long enough, an image of an airplane will appear, in 3D.

On their paperwork, meticulously place another digit in front of the altitude or the destination temperatue... Then listen for her PA's...
"Ladies and gentlemen, we will be cruising at an altitude of 135,000 feet...it's 148 degrees in Louisville today". I've done this before where the FA will call up and ask "Umm, there's a passenger who wants to know if this plane can really fly this high"

Cool flight attendant story: We were on a longer overnight and I was a newly minted Captain with a fun crew. I was gonna pick up the entire tab..drinks, food, whatever. We had a high old time and when the check came, the FA grabbed it and said "I'll take of it". Apparently she was some kind of oil heiress from Houston who was just doing that job for kicks. Needless to say, no jokes were played on her even though she was new : )

 

[matchthehatch]

Ask any Allegheny pilot about a BGM-based FA whose first name starts with the letter P. She was about 60, but looked near 90. Too many stories to tell. There's the visine (super glue) in the eye story. Then there's the time she fell backwards out of the Dash when she tripped over a pax foot in row 1. She ate cookies from the bottom of a cookie jar at a hotel in CLE and somehow managed to ingest glass. How we always ended up with the old ladies I've always wondered. At least they kept me on the straight and narrow. My wife had no worries.

 

[Dave]

I recently rode in the back row of a Ted flight. While waiting to exit the aircraft, a woman in the row next to me starts a conversation with a flight att and said flight att responded in a most serious way:

Pax: "My ears really bothered me this flight, that usually doesn't happen."
Flt Att: "My ears have been bothering me also. You know, Ted is a REALLY trying to cut costs. The reason we're having ear problems is because management doesn't want to pay to pressurize the airplanes..."