Moronic Flight Attendant Stories

[ATRedneck]

We used to hire Spanish-speaking FAs for our Mexico and south Texas flying. Actually, non-English-speakers is a more accurate description.

The mighty ATR had a small service door across from the main cabin door through which they'd cater and load the checked bags into the aft cargo bay. The service door light was MELed, so when I briefed her I asked her to call up front when the service door had been closed.

She replied, "I canna close de door jet, we hanna gots de peeple on de plane!"

I patiently explained that it was the other door I wanted to know about.

"Chokay, I call you. But I canna close it jet, cose de peeeple jus got here."

She was still obviously unclear on the concept, so I said it was the small door that they pass the bags through.

"Ohh, joo meen de leeeetle door? Chokay, I let you know. But een a meeenute. We jus start to board."

It was at that point I decided I'd jump out the forward cardo door, walk to the back, and check it myself. Good thing I did, because after she called to say "Chokay, de door is chut now!" I went back, and sure enough the service door was wide open.

But the main cabin door was indeed 'chut'!

 

[ERJDRVR]

I love these threads...

This worked with a little help from a gate agent.
The F/A wasn't the brightest one we had, but very fun and attractive older lady.
I had the gate agent make up a fake itinerary and boarding pass for a pax by the name of Anita Mann. When we were done boarding and the F/A had finished her announcements I had a ramper come up to the cockpit. I pretended to talk to him and told him to watch this.
I handed the boarding pass to the F/A and asker her to page Anita Mann. Told her that the rampers needed her. The F/O, me & ramper tried to control our laughter as she announced numerous time over the PA, "Anita Mann ( which comes out I-NEED-A MAN) please press your call button".
Needless to say numerous jokesters in the back proceeded to ring there call light over and over...After talking to the jokesters in the back she made her way back to the front.
Needless to say the beat-red F/A returned to the cocpit to toss us our boarding pass back.
We got our own coffee the rest of the trip.

 

[BeachBummer]

Roflmao!!

Gave my dodge keys to the ops agent in mdw. Told the new girl that we forgot the keys. She promptly offered to run in and getem. she did and we left...
it wasnt till the next day she asked what kind of alarm we had on the saab!

this is too funny!

I love these threads...

This worked with a little help from a gate agent.
The F/A wasn't the brightest one we had, but very fun and attractive older lady.
I had the gate agent make up a fake itinerary and boarding pass for a pax by the name of Anita Mann. When we were done boarding and the F/A had finished her announcements I had a ramper come up to the cockpit. I pretended to talk to him and told him to watch this.
I handed the boarding pass to the F/A and asker her to page Anita Mann. Told her that the rampers needed her. The F/O, me & ramper tried to control our laughter as she announced numerous time over the PA Anita Mann ( which comes out I-NEED-A MAN) please press your call button.
Needless to say numerous jokesters in the back proceeded to ring there call light over and over...After talking to the jokesters in the back she made her way back to the front.
Needless to say the beat-red F/A returned to the cocpit to toss us our boarding pass back.
We got our own coffee the rest of the trip.

 

[Huck]

If we had a new one back in the EMB 120 days, I'd make a PA something like this:


"...and please say hello to your flight attendant, miss ___ ___. Ask her about her recipe for pecan pie - it was published in last month's Southern Living magazine...."

She'd spend the rest of the trip discussing pie with all the old ladies.

But ok, here's my favorite:

ASA used to not do any random drug tests until 2 weeks before the end of the year (saved on the cost of the nurse). Then they would grab everybody as they came off duty.

The FA I had that day told us, "I CANNOT get tested. I got a hot date, and he's going to be waiting for me, and I can't be late!"

So later whenever she walked in the cockpit, we'd be talking about Random Intelligence Tests. you know, "MAN I can't believe they're doing Random Intelligence Tests. Those ba$tards!"

Inbound on the last leg, I called her up and said, "Sorry, but they told me on the inrange, you got to do a Random Intelligence Test. Just go into ops and ask for it. It won't take long."

So after we blocked in, she ran in and started asking for it. Yeah we made our own coffee after that also....

 

[RSRVWINDSURFR]

We had a ferry flight with an extra crew on the ATR. We decided to play a trick on the F/A in the back of the plane. For those of you who don't know, the ATR has a cargo section between the cabin and the cockpit. The deadhead crew snuck into the forward cargo hold before the F/A got on the plane.

Anyways, halfway through the flight, the Captain went back into the cabin and started chatting with the F/A. A little while later, the F/O also came back to hang out. The flight attendant was like "Umm, isn't one of you supposed to be flying this thing?"(The unknown deadheading captain WAS) They were like "Ahh, that's what the autopilot is for." A little while later she asked "What if they need to talk to you on the radio?" They non-cholantly answered that they would call ATC and ask if they missed any calls when they went back up. After about 15mins. of this they say they should be getting back to the cockpit. The captain tries the door, and says to the F/O, darn, I forgot my door key, give me yours. The F/o starts to panic, and says he doesn't have his. The F/A starts to FREAK OUT!!! After jiggling the door for a while, the captain says he's going to charge the door. The F/A is almost in tears now........ The captain walks to the back of the plane, and runs toward the door at full speed, skids to a stop, and says, hey, maybe we should try knocking........ The dead-heading F/o opens the door from the cargo hold, and they (everyone but the F/A) starts rolling around laughing hysterically........Classic

 

[NewBlue]

Then there is the story about another of the "crazy 8s" from THAT airline. Short and sweet version is: Passenger complaining about breathing and requests O2. Slightly confused FA (instead of using first aid bottle) procedes to break out a PBE and place it on said passenger..............I've always wondered what happened after 15 minutes and the O2 was depleted.

 

[lowlycfi]

How about a moronic pilot story:

Had a DTW overnight many years ago and several of us decided to cross over to Windsor to go to the "Ballet." Walking through the border, the Canadian immigration officer asked us the purpose of our visit. Our dumb a$$ F/O pulls out a roll of cash and shouts out "were coming to see some ti**ies and get blow j*b's!!!!" Needless to say, we were not allowed into Canada.

 

[AVRO_FO]

One of our famous FA's wrote a flight crew up for chiming her under 10,000.


CP- How did you know they chimed you under 10k
FA- I have an altimeter watch
CP- And what did it say?
FA- 2500'
CP- That would be an accurate cabin altitue for a pressurized plane.
For what it worth.

 

[Chicken Taco]

Had an FA call up front a few months ago and ask that question we all love: "How much longer?"

Me: About an hour fifteen.

Her: OK, I have a curious passenger, Where are we?

Me: North Georgia, between Atlanta and Athens.

Her: So what city is that on the Left?

Me: Atlanta.

Her: Oh, OK, and on the right?

Me: Athens.

Her: Oh, OK. Well the passenger wanted to know what lake we're over.

Me (jokingly, since I'm from Ohio, I don't have a clue Georgia geography, and can't find my Captain's atlas): Hell if I know.

Her (sounding happy): OK, thanks.

(listening on the PA) Ladies and gentlemen, the captain says we have about an hour and fifteen minutes to Columbus. We are currently between Atlanta and Athens, over Lake Hellifiknow.. um....

Her (calling back up front): Hey, were you serious about that lake, because passengers just gave me funny looks.

Fortunately she was a good enough sport to laugh about it after..Priceless..

..CT

 

[jtharth]

we had a FA tell parents that every child under the age of 15 had to sit on the double side of the jungle jet....