Idiotic Radio Calls

[jetexas]

(This was told to me by a captain I flew with in the Northeast)

It involved a black UAL pilot, ATC and some wisenheimer.
The weather in the area was bad.
There is a fix for departures off EWR named "white"

ATC: Be advised, all white departures have been cancelled!

Wisenheimer: "Does that mean United can go now?"

UAL: Who said that!! Who said that!! I want the tapes! I want those tapes!

 

[Stick Man]

sexist but funny

An old CA of mine never said it on the radio but always pretended to say it by clicking on the PTT button and then unclicking it before he spoke - I secretly wanted him to get a stuck mic whenever he'd do this but it never worked out that way :

Female ERJ pilot: XX Ctr - ABC123 checking on level XXX.

My CA: Brand new airplane and already a crack on the seat.

Another one of his "almost responses" . . .

Female CRJ pilot: XXX Twr - ABC123 with you on the ILS.

My CA: Then who's making dinner at your house tonight?

I always wanted the other responses to be "stuck mic'd out", but they never made it to air as far as I know. Responses like, "they let women fly?" and "I thought the flight attendants were supposed to be in the back of the airplane?"

Anna - if you read this - I AM NOT A SEXIST PIG!

 

[CrewDawg]

story i heard from a SR-71 Pilot

flying high above SOCAL, a sr-71 was monitoring center and over heard the following

cessna 123: whats my ground speed

center: groundspeed is 100 knots

baron 456: ya center can i get a check on my groundspeed

center: groundspeed is 180 knots

(smarta$$ F-18) Hornet 789, do ya have my ground speed

center: (after a brief pause) 450

SR-71 pilot couldn't resist: ya uhh center can i get my groundspeed

 

[whiskytangofoxt]

Mochahagtdi

The Boston center phrase comes from Cape Air, but the best controllers will always be the 108.2 of Cape approach
Sea- ya

 

[whiskytangofoxt]

holding short

Ok what about some moron that calls "holding short" or "Ready" whent they are 5th in line, maybe we should all pull aside because he never read the AIM

 

[Alaskaairlines]

That UAL one is just totally hilarious!!!

This is probably normal, but I see guys half way to the rwy and calling up to say they are ready to go, I'm guesing thats normal?

 

[metrodriver]

1. overheard a student: twr, tomahawk xxx 10 mls south, inbound on Juliet.

2. in Napa Valley: twr: cessnaxxx taxi in position and hold. She replies taxi into position and hold and then the mike gets stuck. Uhhh taxi in position and uuhhhh hold. Taxi into so i have to taxi and hold uhhh. What am I supposed to do now? Taxi in position and hold. This goes on for several minutes and twr is asking who's got a stuck mike, not realizing that nobody can't answer him. I get a hold of twr on the ground freq and they finally send a car over to the cessna that is now sitting on the runway asking to herself: when do I get a t/o clearance?

3. myself after landing at Atlantic City: twr: after touch down: taxi to parking , give me a good time. I had never heard that expression so I was thinking, yeah I'm having a good time, nice day to be flying, very nice landing. Twr Nxxxx, give me a good time, Learjet on 1/2 mile final. Now my instructor is getting nervous and tells me to hurry up. Oh is that what twr means with having a good time??

4. near RDU: dept: airline xxx climb to aaa, turn right heading bbb , ccc kts, when passing xyz climb to FL ddd, normal speed.
Reply: sorry sir, that are some big numbers for a small mind, can you repeate all of that but a bit slower?

5. On a joint military/civilian airport in western europe: a russian antonov freighter is trying to get a departure clearance. Delivery reads it of several times but the russians can't get it right, their english is so horrible. Finally clnc goes: antonov, turn right 090, climb and maintain 5000', you'll be in Germany very soon and they can deal with you getting you to moscow.

6. from a Eurocontrol controller: Ahh Clipper 103, welcome, you're cleared direct (releasing the mike) to Lockerby

Eurocontrol, Good morning, Lufthansa xxx at FL yyy, information zzz would like to go direct to Frankfurt if possible.
Lufthansa xxx, this is Eurocontrol, can you repeate everything after good morning?

 

[Midlifecrisis]

Heard on tower freq at SFO last week while we were three miles in trail of an MD80 for 28L paired with a 737 for 28R:

"Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

"Yes would you care for some?"

"Oh, thank you."

You old military formation guys crack me up!
I Couldn't stop laughing when I acknowledged towers "cleared to land".

 

[RichO]

____________________________________________________

Apparently the loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was transmitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS.

LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"

Followed shortly afterward by:

ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The loadmaster was awake????

 

[RichO]

Good lord, we all know that you got these from avweb. Try being original, you jerk off.

/Flame

Chill man....Chill..........who cares where he found them......

 

[SWA GUY]

HOU App to Citrus 123: Citrus 123 say speed.

Citrus 123: 250 knots.

HOU App: SWA 2069 say speed.

SWA 2069: 250 knots.

Hou App: SWA 2069 slow to 210 knots. Your 250 knots is 40 knots faster than Citrus' 250 knots.

```````````````````````````````````

An oldie but a goodie:

Delta 767 heavy and C-172 both are holding short of the active, on opposing taxiways(facing eachother).

Tower: Which one of you boys want to go first?

C-172 in best 767 heavy voice: Let's let our little buddy go first.

Tower: Roger Cessna XXX cleared for takeoff, turn left heading 150.

Tower: Now, Delta 767 Heavy where are ya'll going today?

Delta 767 Heavy: Anywhere our little buddy is going!

Enjoy!

 

[mattfish42]

Not too long ago, a lear's nose gear collapsed on landing at PWK. Overheard:

"Tower, ###, our nose gear just collapsed, uh, could you get the fire trucks over here... just in case we need them!"

(Speaking in a slow, bored-sounding voice) "###, roger. Say parking."

(sounding angry) "Well, I'm just gonna park it right here if that's ok with you!"

 

[COEX_av8r]

Not on frequency, but.....

Pushing back in TYS. Maintenance jumpseater in cockpit who told us his main job is removing and replacing panels during maintenance checks. In other words, he doesn't know the aircraft systems too well. CA, FO, and jumpseater are all on headsets.

Female tug driver starts the pushback, not the smoothest ever.

Jumpseater: "Guess she hasn't been here very long, huh?"

Jumpseater didn't know that all four of us (3 in cockpit and tug driver) are on the same intercom during push.

Tug Driver: "No, I've been here for 2 years!"


Needless to say, CA and I educated the jumpseater about the intercom system!

 

[BE99chick]

Heard in BOS on departure:

ATC:
"Colgan 123, say airspeed"

Response:
"Uhhh, you mean indicated?"

Smartass on radio from other company:
"No, he means your Mach Number jackass."

 

[chperplt]

ATC Colgan 123, say airspeed:

Only if that was the worst thing that came out of their mouths

 

[Sc00ter]

Traffic Watch

Flying traffic watch five hours a day affords me plenty of time on approach control. In need of a fuel stop during mid-shift, I have just cleared the runway and holding short of the first of two parallel taxiways. SWA blows past me followed by a much slower AA jet on the other taxiway, oviously miffed that he will be number 2. American asks the controller if the SWA 737 intends to depart from the taxiway. Ground controller very coolly replies, "Which airline posted a profit last quarter?"


After a particuarly busy morning (low vis, low clgs, many helo's popping up from downtown Austin causing several traffic alerts of less than half mile, 12 O'clock, my altitude) I was flying some breakfast tacos in to KAUS for the controllers. Approach set me up number 3 behind a Falcon and then a Gulfstream to pass from behind shortly(I'm in a 152 mind you).

Switched to tower
[ Me ] Aus twr, Metro one visual 17L, number three, negative contact on the Gulfstream
[ Twr ] Metro one, he's passing you now. I guess that's what money will do for you.
[ GIV ] One day kid, you will grow up and be number two.
[ Me ] Perhaps, but I'm inbound with tacos
[ Twr ] Metro one, you are now cleared number one for 17L!

scoot

 

[U of I Tweak]

Champaign area

Due to crossing runways, if both runways are in use it is not uncommon to have a touch and go clearance turned into a cleared to land only clearance. A student and instructor were cleared to land only on one of the runways and as soon as conflicting traffic had cleared the other, they were told, "Cleared for takeoff, no need to acknowledge." Of course the student prompty replied, "Cleared for takeoff, no acknowledge....."

One day with not much going on:
Falcon XXXX: Champaign tower, Flightstar XXXX direct 32.
Tower (Controller supervisor named Steve): Flightstar XXXX, the runways have been renamed. You
are now cleared to land on Steve's runway.

We used to use one of the taxiways as a parallel to the main runway. We finally got a real parallel on the opposite side of the runway as the taxiway, therefore the runway designations changed. 32L, the 8100' runway, became 32R, and the new 3100' parallel became 32L. A confused Citation rolling out on 32L after landing was told: Citation xxxx turn right on Runway four, cross the runway you were supposed to land on and contact ground point 8.

One afternoon about to head to the practice area
Me: Champaign ground, Arrow xxxx University ramp with....uhh....the information....I don't remember what it is...but we have it.
My friends in the airplanes on either side gave approving thumbs up.

Finally, upon landing
Tower: Arrow xxxxx turn left on Bravo, cross runway 14L and contact ground point 8.
Me(after crossing the runway and absent mindedly continuing to taxi): Ground Arrow xxxxx I'm almost back to the ramp, totally forgot to call you.
Ground: Okay (laughter in the background)
Other plane: smooth....

 

[RichO]

this really is the only post worth reading......such a refreshing time.....let's bring it back to the top........

 

[Brett Hull]

We taxied out to the hold short line and were waiting for someone to land. My other pilot's buddy pulled up right next to us in a lear 45 - wingtip to wingtip.

us: Hey Bob
Bob: What?
us: That thing got a Hemi?

Dorks.

 

[FLYFisherman76]

Heard on the Jumpseat going home...it was the very first week we had the CRJ700 in Atlanta.......


Atl Ground: Chandler 123 taxi runway 9L outer mike....delta on Lima will give way...

CAA123: Taxi 9L on Mike Chandler 123

Atl Ground: Delta 321 give way to the stretch RJ coming out of three then continue to ramp 1

Delta321: Roger give way to the RJ.....what's up Chandler?....are we HEAVY today?


(With out any delay whatsoever the captain then keys the mike)

CAA123: Not usually, but since we have your wife in the back....i guess we are today....

 

[Capn Lucky]

Just before the war started, Air France, on its way to BOS was given a hold at SCUPP. Air France asked why they had been issued a hold and another voice replied "because we don't like you"

 

[Ben Franklin]

i heard a great one by a single-engine cessna filed I.F.R. while flying through colorado springs approach:

controller: "cessna xyz, i seemed to have lost you on radar...verify your level at 5 thousand and please recycle transponder."

cessna: "oh yeah, sorry about that sir - i accidentally gained over five hundred feet out here and shut my transponder off so you hopefully wouldn't notice."


classic!

The best part about it is that he would have been flying at about 250-750 feet AGL through Class G airspace(IFR / ATC communications not even required)if he was indicating 5,000 feet anywhere near COS.

Get a real story.

lame.

 

[great cornholio]

This one happened at LGA today. They were landing 31 all day and for a while they were using the LOC 31. Something happened at JFK and they had to stop using the LOC 31 but the wx was too bad for the Expressway vis 31. So we check on and they tell us to slow down and start giving us delay vectors because they were switching to the ILS 4 circle to land 31. Well a few min later they tell us that the ILS is having problems to expect the NDB 4 circle to land 31. So like a min later this happens.

Delta "New York approach Delta 123 with ya 14000 for 10000 with Zulu"

NY "Roger expect the NDB runway 4 circle to land 31"

Delta 123 "NDB 4 circle to land 31....Are you serious???"

NY "NDB 4 circle to land 31 affirmative we can't use to LOC 31 anymore because of JFK and no one is picking up the expressway for the expressway 31"

Delta 123 "Ok then glad its not my leg"

 

[KINGAIR PIC]

"CAA123: Not usually, but since we have your wife in the back....i guess we are today...."

This was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

 

[OakRBust]

Last week in LAS


LAS Appch WN xxx Say Airspeed

About 30 second pause while Crew is looking for restriction on those pesky Rnav DEP/Arrivals..

WN : 250 knots sir


Vegas Appch.... OK WN you are 60 knots faster than AWA in front of you. I really need you at 250 Knots

 

[Jetscream32]

In Philly the other day. ATIS code is Golf.
USair: Philly ground USair XXX spot 9 with the Atis.
Ground: Which one you got?
Usair: Uh, the current one
Ground: You mean Hotel?
Usair: Yep that's it.
Ground: Usair xxx actually it's Golf so hold at spot 9 and let me know when you get it.

Moral: Philly controllers get pissy around 4pm

 

[BlueCanoe]

Passed thru the grapevine

This was on BOS CTR:

UAL (female): Center any shortcuts for United today?
Crusty Voice: Your whole career was a shortcut.

Silence

 

[Superkell]

Here's an original

As some pilots and instructors were reading this forum at the lovely scenic Dallas Executive Airport (Formerly known as Redbird RBD) a student told this story.

It was a clear day and a student pilot (solo) was holding short of RWY17 in a Tomahawk. Now for those of you not familiar RBD is class D and under the DFW class B airspace. There is some heavy traffic but mostly GA aircraft and the towers will occasionally humor you with casual conversation while you are in their airspace. They are very friendly for the most part.

The student pilot makes the following transmission

"Redbird Tower Tomahawk 12345 is holding short of RWY 17 ready for Emergency Takeoff."

The tower promptly replied by saying very quickly and sarcasticly "You are cleared for immediate departure."

 

[atldc9]

Doing the long taxi in MCO for rwy 35, 4 airplanes taxining out on the 2 parallel taxiways. We were fourth in line. #1 is an RJ, #2 a MD-11.

twr: Alright, all you guys for 35, the rj is 1, delta is 2, the other 2 are in sequence, everybody to the tower.

airplane #3: OK, it is Delta's future, then Delta's past then us. See ya.

 

[Dutch]

Heard this one second-hand while jumping an AA flight.

AAXXX: Center, any chance for a shortcut?

CTR: AAXXX, cleared direct crazy woman (vor in WY)

AAXX: OK, cleared direct to my wife.