OOHH RIGHT!!!!!
***************************************************
Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute. 
Quagmire: Fifty bucks. 
Auctioner: She had nine STDs. 
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks. 
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself. 
Quagmire: Fifty bucks. 
****************************************************
[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall] 
Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot. 
****************************************************
Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you? 
Connie: 16. 
Quagmire: 18? You're first.
Connie: Mom! 
Quagmire: I like where this is goin'! Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy! 
*****************************************************
Brain: Ugh, I can't beileve you're serving a three year sentance, it seems so harsh. 
Lois: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Quagmire: Oh God! 
Lois:...and I was tryin' to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things... 
Quagmire: Oh God!!! 
Lois: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole. 
Quagmire: Oh God!!!!!! 
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. 
Quagmire: That one is also sexual. 
*****************************************************
Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time. 
*****************************************************
Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be? 
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson. 
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy. 
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire." 
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire. 
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible. 
[Pause] 
Quagmire: Oh God. Oh my God. I've got all these magazines. Oh God. 
****************************************************
Brooke: Quagmire, will you accept this rose?
Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and had sex with your unconscious body?
Brooke: What?
Quagmire: Yes. 
****************************************************
Quagmire: Fat chicks need love too...they just have to PAY! 
Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge! 
****************************************************
Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clam, where they don't ask for proof of ID and neither do I. 
****************************************************
Quagmire (runs outside in a robe): Hey guys, what's going on? I was just jerki ... ed out of a deep sleep. 
****************************************************
Quagmire: You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.