Diarrhea in a freighter?

[acpilot]

In-Flight-Aerial-Urination

Everybody knows the rules, bring a bottle if you're going for a long solo x-country.. just like every car ride you've ever been on.. its just common sense..

My friend (a newly minted private pilot at the time) was not quite so smart, he figured just going before liftoff was safe enough..

On the desolate and slow piper warrior filght from Phoenix Az to North Las Vegas, he had started to feel the bladder pressure everyone fears..

Long story short, he was 30 minutes away from any landable airfield, and ended up "de-fueling" out of the storm window of a piper warrior at about 9000 feet.

I cant picture how he did it.. he describes it as " trying to 'give love to' the storm window with one leg on the dash, one on the floor, and the rest of him in the passenger seat, with an OAT of 3 Celsius, and 100 knots of wind"..

Ive never seen someone so proud..

 

[Flysher]

my god, VSF i almost ******************** myself reading that story.

This thread has got to be made into a book or something!!

 

[JediNein]

Here's one vote against cupholders in an airplane without lavs. They're an invitation to have a contribution on this thread.

A simple, "we had a door pop open", lets ATC hold your flight plan while you offload, no reason to detail which door.

 

[Metro752]

............... Best Thread Ever ....................

Great post too!

When I was a traffic watch pilot in San Diego, we had a big day coming up when the owner of the company came out for a visit and to fly along with us. I spent the prior day washing and cleaning up the airplane. We checked and re-checked everything to ensure there would be no screw-ups.

I left for work early on the fateful day, or course, lest some disaster delay my commute. As I was a couple of blocks from MYF, I realized I'd be way early and had time to eat something before the flight.​

Just my luck, Rally's (a fast food joint) had a special on Sloppy Joes. I didn't order one, or two, I ordered three in some pang of gluttony.​

The weather was good, the staff shows up , and off we go, with the reporters (2) and I doing our utmost to impress the boss. I remember thinking that my belly had never, ever, felt so full, I had simply never eaten so much at one time. I congratulated myself on my genius for gorging on those cheap Sloppy Joes.​

I didn't gloat for long.​

When I was south of San Diego, just getting ready to make my northern turn, those danged Sloppy Joes exploded in my gut like an ass-grenade. My gut hurt so much I had to bend in half just to keep the cramping from killing me. The boss was asking me some kind of dumb ass question, but my ears were ringing from the severe pain, and I couldn't hear him, and a reporter started poking me with his finger when he realized I had turned southeast, away from our route, as I made a bingo for Brown Field (appropriately named for those circumstances).​

I got into the downwind, but just my luck, some moron in a Bonanza was flying a typical moron B-52 pattern, but was just enough ahead of me to keep me number two (there is a tower there). I couldn't whip around to the other side of the pattern since that was the Mexico side of the border.​

By now, my head is pumping out sweat like a squeezed sponge, and the reporters are trying to entertain the boss and distract him from the gig, and the pain was so bad I thought I was going to puke. I rolled my ass from side to side, trying to squeak out gas to relieve pressure, but the farts were wet and increasingly foul-smelling. My boxers became glued to my butt cheeks from moisture lock.​

The boss had headphones and I didn't want to declare anything alarming, but that Bonanza was gonna make me sh!t myself.​

I finally piped up to tower, "I'd like sequence in front of the Bonanza."​

Tower asked if anything was wrong. So I cryptically said "I ate at Rally's."​

That's all it took. They had the dipsh!t in the Bonanza extend, I did a short approach from mid-downwind, tower acting as ground cleared me all the way to the building where the lav is, and I scurried away to do my business, hitting the toilet before the prop stopped turning.​

The thunder, oh, the thunder, from that horrific gut-squirt was wretched and the porcelein riccochet painted everything within a one-meter blast radius with a viscous coating of diseased, black colon-slime. I needed a friggen' biohazard shower after that episode, but had to do my best, finally sacrificing my socks for the cause. Back to the aircraft I went, and we resumed the mission.​

 

[skydivinguy]

Nice to see this thread is still "running"

 

[b707guy]

A little off the rear exit subject, but a memorable experience from many years ago now. My first ride on a KC-135, just went along to see what it was all about before heading off to learn how to actually fly the thing. Also along for the ride were about 20 CAP cadets and their two supervisors who won the orientation ride lottery. At the time, this base had the only flip-flop tankers, ones that could give and receive gas, and the flight was a proficiency flight for the receiver-qualified guys, so all the kids were anxious to get aboard. Many of course wanted to be pilots and were all hot on F-16s and the like. Unfortunately, the weather that day was abysmal, and the turbulence encountered over most of the three-hour flight to this day rates among the worst I've seen. Needless to say, shortly into the flight, a few of them began to take on a bit of a green complexion, and of course as soon as one lost it, the rest fell right in line like dominoes. So much for pre-F-16 bravado. The plane was pretty much a bowling alley with web seating on each side, and it eventually looked like pigeons on a wire the way they were all spaced evenly out, presumably for personal blast zone protection, heads bobbing in and out of bags (at least for the most part...). Early in the process, a number of us were standing (wobbling) around chatting when one kid, who had a bag in his right hand, turned left and blew all over our DOs shoes and pants. Not a way to impress a future boss. Thankfully, the plane had no carpet to absorb all this former breakfast. Heck of an introduction to the tanker. Still in the "there are those who will" category, but since then I've always carried suitable storage for potential former meals.

 

[belchfire]

"When you're crossing 30 West and your starfish has to rest"

After so many close calls (including landing on one uncontrolled airport and wizzing away in the middle of the runway and blasting back off again) I am thankful to be in an aircraft with a lav...but it's not always perfect.

"Uhoh" says me...

"What" says CA

"I think that Thai food is rebelling...'scuse me"

not a moment too soon...

I was later chastised for the "shotgun spatter of mud" that painted the well worn stainless bowl (though in my defense I had made it in the bowl) and I had cycled the flush so many times I was worried about tripping the breaker!

Back in the jball days I was quietly taking care of my business in one of the restrooms in RDU...when in rushed the near-panic-speed quick steps of high dollar leather healed dress shoes (you know, the kind that freight dogs can't afford and don't want anyway) on the tile floor and past my stall...I imagined that they had a mirror finish that the owner had paid someone else to accomplish...

There was the rapid "slamclick" of a stall door closing and locking in one motion and composure behind those barriers disintegrated.

"Ohohoh..." accompianied the frantic fumbling with belt, button, zipper, shirttail-which I had come to the conclusion were about to be "squirttails"..."Ohhhhhhhhh!" came the quivering, horror stricken voice...

I was starting to snicker...it's wrong, but I've been in the same situation-though probably never as well dressed-but it was funny!

"OOOOOHHHHHSQUIRSPATTERTUTUTUTUTSPATTERSQURITOOHHHH"

"BoohahahaOhMyGodHhahahahasheitehehehahahahshieithehehe" It was time for me to loose my composure. I was sure that I had heard high velocity foam and chunks impacting the wall...

"it's not...oooOOHHHH" interrupted by the sounds of another quart or two of the aformentioned anal piss slaming into the water in the bowl (this time) propelled by many cubic feet of gas at a pressure that had to be astounding...
"funny."

I almost managed not to snicker as I stuttered out a weak

"he-ss-orr-he-y-he"

Yeah, I know, I'm a sick puppy...

 

[Jurassic Jet]

"OOOOOHHHHHSQUIRSPATTERTUTUTUTUTSPATTERSQURITOOHHHH"

"BoohahahaOhMyGodHhahahahasheitehehehahahahshieithehehe" It was time for me to loose my composure. I was sure that I had heard high velocity foam and chunks impacting the wall...

"it's not...oooOOHHHH" interrupted by the sounds of another quart or two of the aformentioned anal piss slaming into the water in the bowl (this time) propelled by many cubic feet of gas at a pressure that had to be astounding...
"funny."

I almost managed not to snicker as I stuttered out a weak

"he-ss-orr-he-y-he"

Yeah, I know, I'm a sick puppy...

OMG...:laugh: I have tears rolling down my face! I don't care who ya are....dat's funny right there.

 

[Metro752]

i love rdu, and thats an awesome story

 

[belchfire]

Ahh, thanks-and that was before breakfast (!)...yeah, rdu...Techno meets redneck sophistichite. Dip o'snuff and a blackberry! I had such a riot out there, trying to figure out how to stuff all of midway's pax in a jball with their golfclubs...the only one's who got their luggage for sure were the strippers-they were mostly wearing their luggage!

I was thinking fun with geography, waypoints and fixes...like

Crossing the equator and you can't wait for later...

Passing over Pinso about to make some Plado...

250 to the marker but your shorts are getting darker...

Seeking direct to Ritts 'cause you really got the ******************** 's...

You're on the Lindy 2 and you really have to poo...

hehehe...

Yeah, never had to carry my baggage off with two fingers but there have been a few skid marks along the way! To say nothing of a thermos (frack! I really liked that thermos!) Empty aeorshell bottles, styrofoam coffee cups and once (at night) standing on the wing of a Cherokee of some sort pissing a golden arc...yeah, the brakes were set...

hehehe

av8or, quit lurking and tell the story of the all knowing one on the way to MWA!

Dang, he bugged out...

Next time...I yeild the squirtbox for now...squirtbox, dropbox, soapbox...

hehehe...

I think I need to go wash my hands!