Diarrhea in a freighter?

[flyboyzii]

I have nothing to add to this great thread but I would like to suggest this thread become a "sticky". I've read every single post on here and laughed a lot. Thank you all for a great read.

 

[OPECJet]

I'm out of flying now, but I now have a diarrhea in an office story. It was fairly uneventful since the crapper is two doors down. The only downside is I work on a military installation and the last round of budget cuts saw our barely acceptable toilet paper replaced with Chuck Norris toilet paper. It's rough, tough, and doesn't take sh!t from anyone....

After one trip to the crapper of the gun shop we went to after eating Arby's, I made three more trips at work. After trip #2 at the office, I was in pain from the sandpaper. By trip #3, I swear I had blisters on my ass. If there had been trip #4, I'd have probably just jumped from the third floor window by my desk. It would have hurt a lot less.

I'm thinking about filing a disability claim.....

 

[Jetdriver69]

Best two crap stories I heard was a friend of mine who had a case of the runs flying T-38s in USAF flight school. He felt the pressure getting vectors for an ILS and flew it in at 300 kts. Did a fast taxi and quick evac at base ops, ran into the john thinking he had made it, but forgot to roll up his flight suit arm and shat his sleeve full. Needless to say, he got a new bar name after that one. Another friend of mine was flying a F-15 to the sand for deployment and his anti-shat pills did not work as advertised. He was forced to crap into his helmet bag while his wingman took pictures, classic!

 

[Dgpr]

Kitty Hawk

I love this thread! Back in the day at KHA, our Diesel 9's had all the toilets removed to save weight. So for #1 every pilot carried the large Gatorade jug, but for #2 you just had to hold it.
We did however have big coolers on board where we would keep a stock of soda and bottled water. We had one captain who was renowned for having had "the Hershey squirts" on more than one occasion... out comes the water and pop, in goes the emergency dump. Said captain became known as "the cooler shi**er". We would hose the thing out, but never use it again...
The funny thing was, when the airplanes went into heavy maint for a few weeks, sometimes the stuff that was on them like coolers and pop and tie downs wouldn't get back on them when they came back. Maint dept would claim they had no idea where the stuff went.. we always suspected they ended up in the back of somebody's pickup truck. We talked about saving spoiled coolers to be sent with the airplane to Maint. to teach a lesson, but we never carried through with it.
After barely making it to the end of a flight once with my own problem, I got a 5 gal bucket with a top from home, put a small garbage bag in it and half filled it with cat litter and a handful of TPaper. I figured I could squat on that if I had to, similar to the traffic cone arrangement described earlier in the thread. I carried it with me on a few trips but never had to use it... soon after that, the end of the 9fleet began, summer of 2000.
Somebody earlier mentioned Taco Palenque... yum!! Three chicken, three beef and extra,extra,extra pico de gallo is SO good at 3am between LRD and YIP.

 

[skybert]

The lid on the toilet in my room wouldn't stay up.

Ok,not actually IN a freighter but I am a freight dog and it was in the hotel between runs.....

Getting ready to jog but I had that "wierd" feeling in my guts, ya know?? Glad I delayed a little while because I suddenly went from wierd to "OMG I'm gonna blow!!!!" in about 3 seconds.

I kicked the lid of the toilet up with my foot as I'm dropping trou, turned around and the whole world exploded outta my backside.....

Remember how I said the lid wouldn't stay up?

It was like the microburst outflow videos we see in training,it went in every direction. On me, on the floor, on the walls..... My upper body screamed "Noooo,for the mother of god stop!!!!!" But my lower body said "not my problem".

By the time the carniage was over it looked like a crime scene and all I could think about was poor Esmerilda,she was gonna have her work cut out for her when she came to clean today. Then the tiny shred if dignity left in me took one towel and carefully moved it away from the disaster area while I proceeded to tackle the hazmat disaster on my own,wiping,rinising and wiping more until the bathroom looked as respectable as a hotel pooper can look.

Got a long hot shower in and decided t skip the log that day.

 

[sstearns2]

Who has had the squittals in the cockpit, and what did you do about it?

Quit Dairy.

 

[paid4training]

My boss let me fly my wife and baby in the king air for Christmas as part of my bonus. About 20 mins from landing with a steady crosswind I HAD to go pee. The airplane has a toliet but my wife doesn't know how to fly at all so I told her to hand me 2 of my sons diapers. For the record, they don't hold much and I decided to empty all the trash and empty bottles before takeoff. During the third diaper I realized I got myself in kinda a pickle!!!

 

[freightdogfred]

Back at Brand X I took an old -63 series DC8 into Murfeesboro,TN to the chop shop, Tennesee tech, the biggest excuse for a repair station I've ever seen. The airplane had an integral lav installed,(ex-KLM) and I left ole Tennesee Tech a present, a monsterous Grumpy I punched out about an hour out. They parked us in the back row, and I'm sure that stool had solidified into a nice petrified mass in that hot tennesee sun before those monkeys cut the airplane up. I pity the poor SOB that cut that tank out.

 

[PBRstreetgang]

Too good to let languish!

 

[dalad]

Most important thing I learned on TOE was the LCA telling me that on a 12 hour plus flight I was going to have to take a dump on the plane eventually. He said to avoid having some cute chick going in the lav after I left a bog steamer was to do the "magic carpet ride". He said to lace the bottom of the bowl with four paper towels, then take a dump on them. Wipe then press the vacuum button and voila, magic carpet ride.

 

[barondriver]

Two of them.. FORTUNATELY NOT ME. Once, as a piston instructor, my Italian student told me from the back seat that he was "sick".. I directed him to the barf bag, figuring he knew how to place it over his mouth and fill... About a minute later this horrid smell fills the front and the student flying and myself turn, and find to our horror, that our back seater was in the aft section squatting into the removable plastic baggie and doing his best to fill it with lasagna from the previous evening. Wow. The second, as a EMB120 captain, my F/O was farting up a storm about half way to our dest, about a 1.5 hr flight.. When I started descending, he said he thought he had to use the lav.. Doing my best "I'll be there for ya" Captain, I told him we could circle and hold for a minute if bowels were starting to squawk 7700.. He declined. Figuring he knew his body better than I did, I continued.. After calling for the gear (about 2000 feet), I hear a commotion of metal clanging next to me, and see the poor guy in a life and death struggle with his harness and lap belt.. He bolts out of the chair, drops trou between the two seats and uses our trash bag as a "receptacle".. I almost grabbed the 02 mask to prevent crashing. Ohhhh Lordy..

 

[CMI]

A guy I know ripped open a plastic wrapped pallet and stuck his @$$ in and let it rip. He said it was a "GOT TO GO NOW $H!T". I was told it was liquid in form, maybe explosive excrement. They forked off the pallet, and nothing became of it.

 

[Jurassic Jet]

LMAO.... I'm in tears. :laugh:

 

[Luis1576]

A long, long time ago in a land not to far away, there was a young, eager Beech Baron pilot who would never turn down a flight. This young man was excited that he was flying a multi-engine airplane and getting paid for it. Many adventures came to this lads way. But one specific night, there came an adventure he would never forget!! One starry night our young Baron superhero was getting ready for bed, when the phone rang. It was boss man saying," Super lad, we have a mission for you!! I need you to go to the airport right now and fire up that Baron, and got to Wichita, pick up Mr. Pain In My Ass and take him down to Houston County...." So off went our hero into the night to complete his mission. Little did he know what the night had in store. Turns out, Houston and the surrounding area had 1/4 mile visibility in fog, but finally our adventurer of the skies made it into Houston Intercontinental after shooting multiple approaches at multiple airports in the area. Needless to say, Super Boy developed quite an appetite after this, but it was four in the morning and nothing was going to be open. He pulled up to the FBO, shut down, dropped off Mr.PITA and low and behold, the lad spotted a vending machine with all kinds of yummy microwavable treats. But one treat in particular caught his hungry little eyes. A pack of 8 microwavable buffalo wings....YUM!!! What could possibly go wrong. So our fearless chauffer of the skies scraped up the $1.50 required to purchase these chicken wings and threw 'em in the microwave and didn't even let them cook the whole way. He savored these chicken wings like if they were a fine delicacy found at only the finest gourmet ....whatever...point is they where f$#%n good. So now its time to go and our favorite lad hops back in to our favorite Baron on off he goes into the night again with a smile on his face and a belly full of chicken wings from a vending machine, when about 30 minutes into the flight our fearless Baron driver felt a funny sensation in his belly, bubble guts to be exact...."uh-oh" he thinks.. but then he shrugged it off and continued. But then it just started building up , so much so that it was becoming painful..."maybe I'll just let out a little test fart to relieve a little pressure" he thought. So he did. But this fart had company and it meant business. Luckily our boy caught it in time, but he had to get this airplane on the ground, and quick!!!! He was clenching his o-ring as tight as he could, beads of sweat are starting to drip down his forehead,...He had a full on case of the meat sweats.....So he radioed for the nearest airport an was given a vector to a nearby airport bout 10 miles ahead of his position...I don't think this young man could've gotten that airplane on the ground any quicker. So he pulls into this ramp, shuts down and makes a B-line to the FBO. Much to his dismay the door was locked and there was nobody home...he was coming to the stark realization that he may actually ******************** his pants... but he didn't give in yet ...he ran back to the airplane, clenching his bunghole as tight as he could and started looking for something to wipe with, but there wasn't much time. this crap was coming and there was no stopping it....Panicking as to where to make this deposit, out of the corner of his eye he noticed a concrete garbage can right next to the entrance of the FBO.."BINGO" he thought. he quickly ran to the garbage can , depantsed, and took a seat on top of this garbage can and let it rip, all the while keeping a careful look out for any witnesses to this "Dumb and Dumber" ass explosion taking place. All was going well until our determined young aviator realized, "What am I gonna wipe my ass with?!" All of a sudden it dawned on him that there was a box of Kleenex in the airplane, but he was gonna have to do the unthinkable...he was gonna have to hobble over to the airplane with his pants around his ankles and a muddy but to obtain the goods!!! So he did!!! He got the Kleenex, wiped his ass, and off he went into the night and lived happily ever after, and never EVER ate vending machine chicken wings EVER again!!!
the end..
the events depicted here in are based on a true story!!

 

[g-code]

That's fn awesome!

 

[belchfire]

He got the Kleenex, wiped his ass, and off he went into the night and lived happily ever after, and never EVER ate vending machine chicken wings EVER again!!!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Beware the "Airport Buffet"...

I Sh!+ thee not!

Coming across the pond last nite I was puking my guts out and the other FO was crapping his pants the whole way. It was ugly!

Delhi-Belly sucks big time...

I'm so glad this thread hasn't gone down the drain-if anyone knows where the OP "Frank Towns" is, I owe him a beer for all the entertainment!

 

[Midnight Flyer]

Several years ago I was doing a 727 repositioning flight (20 minutes flying time). We also had a DC8 crew and a mechanic from another freight airline jumpseat with us, so the cockpit and courier seats were all occupied.

During taxi, I started to feel the pressure, then the rumble. I knew it was coming, but hell it's only a 20 minute hop, so I should be able to hold it right? Half of our fleet have regular passenger style lavatories with doors that close, but the other half just have a privacy curtain. I was on my 3rd tail number of the night, so honestly I had no idea if the plane I was flying had a door or curtain.
Well passing through 8000 I couldn't hold it anymore, so I tell the FO he's on his own, and I go running back to the lav, barely making it. And wouldn't you know it, I had the curtain!! Here I am sitting 2 feet from these jumpseaters with the squirts. I couldn't apologize enough to these guys!
One of our planes still had the big phone for making PA's, the FO should have announced "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain"!

 

[skyward80]

A few years ago... I caught the "AMC Funk" out of a forward deployed location. After our first air refueling (AR), I requested a break due to the expansion of gasses. I laid down in one of my KC-10's (DC-10's) bunks. An hour later, I woke up in cold sweats. I barely made it through the cargo net in time to hit our only lavatory! I remained there for the better part of 7 hours while Mother Nature made emergency exits out of both ends of my body. I sacrificed my underwear during AR #3 or #4. We finally landed in Spain. After landing, I bought crackers and Gatorade. While ingesting stale crackers, I noticed ants crawling out of the box of crackers I had purchased at the Shopette. I ran to the bathroom (communal) and destroyed the local lav. This was one of many sacrifices I made for Uncle Sam.

 

[belchfire]

It's a song but the last line applies...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQAmvKMGUko

 

[wwiiguy]

Bump. Good stuff.