Diarrhea in a freighter?

[Flysher]

This did not happen in a cockpit, but if it had I would have for sure hatched the turtles during low tide.

I was on my way to work today after running some errands during lunch, and the liquid luge team started heading down the tracks. I was frozen in my car seat, I didn't and sometimes couldn't shift the gears and/or brake, and I kept it in third and tried my hardest to make it all the way, approx 10 minutes to work. I could have stopped at one of the many gas stations, but dang I think I would rather load my pants than sit on one of those pee coated toilets (I have a phobia).

I get to work and parked the car. I had to sit still with my cheeks so tight I could form diamonds for about 3 minutes waiting for the pressure wave to end, it was my 4th wave, and any bodily movement would have been disastrous. It was 45 degrees out and I was sweating so hard it got in my eyes. I welcomed the discomfort in my eyes to distract from the intestinal pain and my chocolate starfish being threatened to be blown apart.

I finally started making my way to the bathroom, with the hunched over, knees locked shuffle, and yes one hand was on my stomach with the other swinging hard to try to get me some acceleration.

When I got into the stall I tried to put the "provided by management" seat covers down at the same time undoing my pants and belt. That dang luge team was now at a world record pace, as I quickly made the decision to forget the seat cover I frantically pulled my pants down while trying to get my rear to the hole.

And this is how it ended. Sad to say but the luge team derailed and got splattered all over the finishing wall. At least I did not unload in my pants, but the clean up was horrible...

pp

this one had me almost crying with laughter.

 

[JettBoii]

There is a pilot here at ASA who is lactose intolerant. Dont know em just heard the story. Ate something that disagreed with him. Jumped out of his seat and went for the trashbag that hangs on the f/o's seat and scored about half of it in. Had to cut his underwear off with a crash axe. Damn

 

[JettBoii]

We used to have this really cute departure coordinator that went from plane to plane to see if we would be on time. Her name starts with an "S". She is gone but you guys know who I am talking about. I was alone waiting on the other crew to come over from another flight. I was cooking a serious meatloaf but was not quite ready to take it out of the oven; I dropped a fart that stunk so bad you could have chewed it. I was laughing to myself thinking too bad the captain isnt here to get a whiff of this bad boy. It was foul; would have shamed the locals at the truk stop. 2 seconds later I hear someone coming up the airstair doors hoping it was catering but nope it was her and she came straight into the cockpit. I was beet red and began sweating as she proceeded to stand up there and talk to me. I thought I was going to die. I know she could smell it; think the rampers smelled it. I could never look herin the eye again around ops.

 

[mpflies2]

ok this is officially the funniest f'n thread i've ever read

 

[MD11Fr8Dog]

Who has had the squittals in the cockpit, and what did you do about it?

Flying FO from Shanghai to Subic Bay 8 yrs ago. Got the stomach rumbles about halfway there. About 20 mins prior to top of descent into Subic I had to hit the lav. I finally returned passing 14,000ft on the descent and barely made to landing. Hit the lav in flight ops 5 mins after block in, spent the next 4 days in the hospital in Subic on an IV! I don't recommend the milk at the Shanghai Hilton's breakfast buffet!

 

[pipe]

Buddy of mine commuting through ATL. Just coming back from a one day visit to family in FL and connecting through the ATL. This is early 90's and a tie is still pretty much a requirement.

Anyhow, hustling through terminal on a tight connect and $hits himself. Goes to the bathroom to clean up and has to throw the khakis away. Has only a pair of cutoff shorts to put on.

Changes, makes his jumpseat in cutoffs, oxford, and tie. Tells the Capt the whole deal and gets the JS.

Now that is a commute!!

PIPE

 

[pipe]

Another gem.

Myself and another CFI flying a 172 from College Station, TX to MO. Ate at a mongolian BBQ in TX. Over southern OK at about 2 a.m. and the other guy is clenching for all he's worth trying to make TUL. I am compassionately laughing my A$$ off.

Finally he grabs the yoke and points at a lighted runway in the middle of nowhere directly below us. Screaming descent, lands, stops in about 400 ft and bails out with the engine running. Takes a dump on the runway, removes his t-shirt to wipe up, and hops back in. Off we go!

I still have no idea what airport that was.

PIPE

 

[Lance Uppercut]

When your prairie dog'n it on the approach,

And for once, you don't mind using the lav in coach.


When your dotting cotton during the climb,

And you wish you were on the throne at the time.

 

[dseagrav]

I still have no idea what airport that was.

Hope it wasn't towered.

 

[ELVISP]

Oh man these are friggin good! I've been laughing my ass off.
We were in a Lear 35 running cargo to Louisville one night and my FO was a chronic sufferer of Irritable Bowel syndrome. We had grabbed a quick bite at a local burger place that was closing and he gorged himself. about 20 min into the flight we were climbing, the cabin was climbing and the pressure in his plumbing was climbing. He was looking all flushed and sweaty then he started taking the deep "I can hold it" breaths but then started complaining about the "o" ring quivers and I knew we were in for a rough ride. Me, being the compasionate guy we all are late in the evening, just started laughing at him. Then the creshendo happened...he got up and ran to the honey pot and proceeded to defile the unit. But...not before he left the 1st 25% in his pants and on the co-pilot seat. What a stink...I will never get that smell out of my head, that undigested rotten meat and sh#t smell. Not so funny then.
He tried to clean it up but couldn't get it out of the seat. Bad news. So there we sat...for hours in that stench. Oh...and he had the balls when we were headed back to ask if we could swap seats so he could fly on the left side. LOL.........I think you all know my answer. They had to replace the seat coushin when we got back.
And..."Irritable Bowel Syndrome" should be a grounding medical condition.

 

[Sim Sweat]

Glad this thread lives on.
Two stories:

When I worked for a certain regional in the northeast, we had 1900C's in addition to the 121 fleet. One such aircraft inbound to PVD called in range and advised they would need "urgent cabin attention" upon arrival. We all watched as they taxied in and the pax deplaned. Then the crew came down the stairs and they were not pleased. Seems a certain male pax walked up to the flight deck during the trip demanding that they land ... that he was in the throes of labor. The crew politely refused, saying they were only 20 or 30 out, whereupon the distressed passenger, in front of 18 others, folded his butt into the small storage area aft of the flight deck and let fly there, just about killing all on board with the toxic stench. The crew's flight bags, hats and jackets were in there too. It was pretty easy to tell which passenger it was just by watching the glares and death rays from the others.

Another time a good friend and I took a B-100 from HVN to DCA (when you still could). We dropped our sole passenger there, and he threw us a few larger bills and suggested we grab a meal before returning. We unwisely patronized a Chinese restaurant in downtown DC, chowed, and returned to the aircraft for the return trip. About 30 minutes into the flight, we are both unable to hear over the gurgles and clenching for all we are worth ... we had no lav in this airplane. We toughed it out and landed at New Haven, and there was one big-eyed ramp guy as the airplane rolled to a hard stop, the engines were spooling down, and we were side by side in a dead run for the head in the FBO. We laughed about it later, but the fear of not knowing whether you're going to make it is intense.

All right, three:
I was once driving a PA31 to Manassas with a young new guy in the right seat and four pax, two couples. I'm about 30 minutes out and trying to convince my bladder that I am boss, when I realize I'm not gonna win this one. I'm looking around desperately when I remember there's a P-tube behind the last row. I tell a surprised co-pilot I'll be back in my best Schwartzenegger voice, and hustle aft to the aforementioned area, trying to act like I'm supposed to be doing this for the startled passengers. When I get there I find the tube is gone ... just a small stainless steel hole in the deck, no way I can use that. Now I'm really hurting, and all I can find is a dang fuel strainer! How much does this thing hold ... maybe two ounces? So yeah, two, then two more, then two more and so on. Wet carpet, passengers who know what's going on but are trying not to let on, but the relief is so great, I don't care. Smiles and nods and back up front to approach and land. Not a lot of goodbyes and small talk, but that's aviation for ya.

 

[Mr Biggelsworth]

That just made me feel a lot better about not trying to take the fat chick back to the hotel back to the room. At least a laugh can take care of a fat chick waking up next to me. Stupid beer goggles.

 

[CRJ's suck]

Lav Service

This happened in December at my previous employer. We were always getting late calls, i.e. pax boarded, jet way pulled, tug and ramp ready to push, then we'd get the dreaded can't service the lav/can't dump lav. We'll after weeks of telling them they need to do the Lav service when the plane gets there, they still haven't gotten the message.

Just get to work, and at my gate they call in mx for a lav problem. I get out there and notice the HUGE wad of paper towels stuck in the download hose. No problem, I'll just go pressurize the plane and blow the junk out right? Nope can't do it, they're boarded ready to go. Grab the lav ladies super duty gloves and mask, I always wear protection. Take the hose off and look at this wad of paper towels hanging there, then get the bright idea to hit the towels with the hose as I'm putting it back on. Let's just say I dislodged the towels fine but never did get the hose back on there.

I kinda feel sorry for the next guy though as I just took the cover and latched it while all the crap was still coming out. I did it out of frustration, but if I ever find the guy that opened that up after me (and got probably got dumped on as well,) I'm gonna buy him a beer.

Had to throw away my nice Carharrt jacket I had gotten only about a month prior, and all my clothes, red wing boots. None got on my face, but I did see some little turds in the pocket of that nice carharrt.

After this incident, they did start to service the lavs at block in. Didn't help much seeing as now they fly for SWA.

 

[ATRCAPT]

Anyone for another round of this oldie but goodie?

 

[blingair]

This has to be one of the longest threads in the anals of FI. Hazzah to Brett, eventhough he's a none member of the bag-0-shame club.

 

[torchred]

Turds Rule!

 

[Cuban B.]

ATRs and Squirts don't mix

It's a long way to the back of a 72 so hold it in. You can do it!

 

[MOCHA HAGoTDI]

I still have no idea what airport that was.
PIPE

Little Rock AFB

 

[Vsf]

When I was a traffic watch pilot in San Diego, we had a big day coming up when the owner of the company came out for a visit and to fly along with us. I spent the prior day washing and cleaning up the airplane. We checked and re-checked everything to ensure there would be no screw-ups.

I left for work early on the fateful day, or course, lest some disaster delay my commute. As I was a couple of blocks from MYF, I realized I'd be way early and had time to eat something before the flight.​

Just my luck, Rally's (a fast food joint) had a special on Sloppy Joes. I didn't order one, or two, I ordered three in some pang of gluttony.​

The weather was good, the staff shows up , and off we go, with the reporters (2) and I doing our utmost to impress the boss. I remember thinking that my belly had never, ever, felt so full, I had simply never eaten so much at one time. I congratulated myself on my genius for gorging on those cheap Sloppy Joes.​

I didn't gloat for long.​

When I was south of San Diego, just getting ready to make my northern turn, those danged Sloppy Joes exploded in my gut like an ass-grenade. My gut hurt so much I had to bend in half just to keep the cramping from killing me. The boss was asking me some kind of dumb ass question, but my ears were ringing from the severe pain, and I couldn't hear him, and a reporter started poking me with his finger when he realized I had turned southeast, away from our route, as I made a bingo for Brown Field (appropriately named for those circumstances).​

I got into the downwind, but just my luck, some moron in a Bonanza was flying a typical moron B-52 pattern, but was just enough ahead of me to keep me number two (there is a tower there). I couldn't whip around to the other side of the pattern since that was the Mexico side of the border.​

By now, my head is pumping out sweat like a squeezed sponge, and the reporters are trying to entertain the boss and distract him from the gig, and the pain was so bad I thought I was going to puke. I rolled my ass from side to side, trying to squeak out gas to relieve pressure, but the farts were wet and increasingly foul-smelling. My boxers became glued to my butt cheeks from moisture lock.​

The boss had headphones and I didn't want to declare anything alarming, but that Bonanza was gonna make me sh!t myself.​

I finally piped up to tower, "I'd like sequence in front of the Bonanza."​

Tower asked if anything was wrong. So I cryptically said "I ate at Rally's."​

That's all it took. They had the dipsh!t in the Bonanza extend, I did a short approach from mid-downwind, tower acting as ground cleared me all the way to the building where the lav is, and I scurried away to do my business, hitting the toilet before the prop stopped turning.​

The thunder, oh, the thunder, from that horrific gut-squirt was wretched and the porcelein riccochet painted everything within a one-meter blast radius with a viscous coating of diseased, black colon-slime. I needed a friggen' biohazard shower after that episode, but had to do my best, finally sacrificing my socks for the cause. Back to the aircraft I went, and we resumed the mission.​

 

[Mr Biggelsworth]

That's the best one yet!