Diarrhea in a freighter?

[Flying Illini]

When you pass the outer marker and your shorts get a little darker..

Too amend what a previous poster had written:

When you cross the outer marker and you feel your O-ring falter...

 

[Av8rPHX]

I was flying from PHX to PRC one day after having Filibertos the night before (any of you from PHX know what Filibertos will do to you the next day). I was in a 172SP at the time and shortly after departure the tremors hit. I held it until I got to cruise and I could feel the gates opening. I had just bought a new flight bag about a week before and I didnt see anything else usable in the plane. So i got to altitude kicked on the autopilot and emptied as much out of my bag as I could. As you all know its hard to move around in a 172, luckily this was a soft case bag so I was able to kind of wedge it under me and open the gates. Anyways, I'm just glad that PHX-PRC is only a 40 min flight because any longer and that smell would have killed me. I could just see the NTSB report now.....

 

[Vik]

Okay okay, I just have to ask .. for all of you that've "emptied" into your pilot's cap, flight bag, chart holder, whatever, htf do you WIPE yourself after that? Jepps?

 

[DogBoy]

Sectional charts work well if you have one handy

 

[tangodelta21]

One night after a visit to Taco Bell and a 2 hr. nap I headed out to the ramp to go out and supervise the loading I got that little rumbling in my gut. Not to worry it's not urgent, they're almost done and OKC is only a hour away. After I was cleared on course I seriously started to question my decision not to pit. By the time I was level it became clear that the poop train was thundering down the tracks, I had to do something and quick! My buddies that went out a few minutes ahead of me were chatting it up on 123.45 and wondering why I wasn't answering. They found out when I cancelled and did a skydiver descent into Gainsville. All I heard was laughter over 123.45 and "welcome to the club"!! Thank God that Caravan can come down in a big hurry. By the time I rolled out clear of the runway and on the ramp the harness was off, door open and ladder down. I dont think it had stopped rolling when my shoe hit the ground. I was back up in 7-8 minutes, got my same code and the controller even got a giggle out of it. No more Taco Bell before any flights, come to think of it I haven't had it since.

 

[bigboeings]

I heard this from an F/O I was flying with. The flight attendant saw this fat guy get up and go into the Lav. Next another man got up to go in and immediately stepped back out and closed the door. The FA asked if anything was wrong. He said go look and see. So she opened the door and there in the crapper was a long snake and elephant would be proud of. Evidentaly the fat guy was proud too cause he had stuck his busines card on top of it and left it. Needless to say we couldnt stop laughing at this one.

 

[JediNein]

Proposed FARs:
Pilots may not eat anything from Taco Bell in the 60 consecutive hours before flight. Waivers will only be considered for those that can prove no adverse side effects.
If a pilot is part of a flight crew requiring more than one pilot, the flight crew shall refrain from eating beans within the 60 consecutive hours before flight unless they provide an olfactory blocking product to each member of the crew.
All pilots flying non-lavatory-equipped-aircraft shall carry sanitary relief station equipment including deodorizors approved for use in aircraft.
Upon event of a mixed-gendered flight crew and a requirement for use of sanitary relief station equipment, the non-affected crew member shall become the pilot flying and resume an intense scan for traffic, oxygen mask use shall be no less than that required by regulation.

Fly SAFE!
Jedi Nein

 

[minitour]

11 Pages?!?!

Pilots must be full of sh*t

-mini

 

[Princedietrich]

11 Pages?!?!

Pilots must be full of sh*t

-mini

Of course we are.

 

[Flyin Tony]

This is going to be a long one

The Guide to Taking a Dump at Work

Escapee -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED** proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.​

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Havana Omelet -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.​

Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave, and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.​

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Crack Whore -- A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED** streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.​