Best Wise guy radio call?

[Av8trxx]

United XXX [female voice]: "Can United XXX expect full length?"
Without missing a beat the New Yorker in the Tower says:
"Why yes ma'am, and you can expect full width too!"

 

[Skyliner]

At SFO about ten years ago, a Westair (callsign: Sundance) EMB-120 is taxiing out to 28L:

Tower: "And Sundance 115, you'll be number three behind the DC-10."

115: "One fifteen, roger....(pause, click click)...From the flightdeck, good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard United Express flight 115, service to Arcata, we're number three for takeoff, and we'll be flying at an altitude of....(etc etc full PA announcement)..."

Someone else: "Uh, yeah. Can we get a couple of beers to go with that?"

Another pilot: "And don't forget to tell the passengers too."

----------------------------

Friend of mine flying for that fruity airline out of Atlanta told me this one (I don't remember what company the commuter pilot flew for):

Commuter 123: (young female voice, sounds like just out of grade school) "Cleveland Center, Commuter 123, any chance of a shortcut today?"

CLE Center: (gruff ol' controller) "Uhh, standby 123, let me check on that."

Someone else on freq: "Yeah, her whole career has been a shortcut, why stop now?"

CLE Center: "Ah, Ma'am? Do you still want that shortcut now?"

 

[146guy]

heard this one back in my flight instructing days at DVT


The pattern was swamped as usuall and the tower controller just lost it over the radio when somebody didn't report at the right spot

long silence after the verbal beating........

somebody "you know tower you guys are the second best controllers around"
tower "WHO IS THE FIRST" (the guy was still pissed)
somebody "everybody else!"

 

[Whitestoneclimb]

Heard this going into PHL the other day.

"PHL tower, Allegheny 3456 checking in for 35"

"Allegheny 3456, cleared to land 35, be advised the previous aircraft reported a small dead bird on the runway."

Without missing a beat, the ALG flight responded with:

"Roger, we'll notify the chinese restaurant in F terminal."

 

[hyperboy]

haha

"Air Midwest 5451 turn to a heading of 230 and continue the debbie transition."

"5451, 230 and Doin' Debbie"

 

[OPECJet]

CLT tower controller asked us to keep the landing roll short last night since a jet was flying up our butts. The captain was flying and did a great job.

After turning off the runway, I just had to ask the controller if she had hugged her prop trash today.

 

[BellyFlyer]

Heard in CVG:

"Ground, Comair xxx at 3F, Taxi."
"Comair xxx, pull out a little on 'J', but don't commit to either direction (for taxi)."
"Roger, we'll pull out of Juliette without making a commitment."

 

[ILStoMinimums]

Couple of funny ones from ANC,

TWR: Continental XXX position and hold
Continental: Roger, position and hold
TWR: Continental XXX clrd for takeoff
Continental: Sir we have can't take that clearance, we just had a PAX go into the lavatory
Unkown: you better hope thats not a Number 2 there
-silence-
Continental: Must have been a number one, we are good to go.

Another one last summer when 14/32 was closed and the wind was gusting strong.

APP: UAL XXX d/m 6000 expect rwy 6R
UAL: App we are going to need rwy 14
APP: UAL XXX, unable
UAL: APP, we really do need rwy 14
APP: UAL, well if you guys really want it I can have you hold untill October and then I'll give you 14.
UAL: We'll take 6R

 

[TIS]

Heard somewhere over the Sierras - many moons ago

King Air 476JA: Oakrand Centa, this is King Aihh 476 juriette owfa, VFR at one niner thousand five hundred.

ZOA: King Air 476JA Oakland Center roger, say again? VFR at one niner thousand five hundred?

King Air 476JA: Affirmative!

ZOA: King Air 476JA, you CAN'T BE at one niner thousand five hundred!

King Air 476JA: Oh no! It's okay! This supah King Aihh!

 

[moonlight]

Back in the day when I was flying a traffic watch 172 over Las Vegas, I heard a pilot for one of the skydiving operations out of Boulder City check on with Las Vegas Approach: "Las Vegas Approach Skydive XX requesting Bravo clearance for a training flight."
"Skydive XX, Roger, cleared into Class Bravo, will there be any skydivers today?"
"This is only a training flight."
"Roger, are you going to need to drop jumpers or not?"
"Roger"
"SKYDIVE XX ARE PEOPLE GOING TO FALL OUT OF YOUR AIRPLANE OR NOT?!?"

 

[SkyBoy1981]

A friend of mine is a pilot on a Citation X and was on a cross country flight at FL410. The Citation X cruises around Mach .92, and during the flight they overtook an American 757 at FL370. The American crew took notice of the small jet overhead that was outrunning them and asked the Center controller what type of aircraft it was. Without missing a beat, the Citation captain replied with "We're just a little Cessna..."

 

[dash8driver202]

flying the dash out of eagle about 6-8 months ago we were cleared to FL200 with a G4 departing behind us. They were getting impatient and requested higher...

OptionsXXX: "Den center optionsXXX looking for higher."

Den Center: "optionsXXX traffic 11 o'clock 3 miles, a dash-8 climbing to fl200."

OptionsXXX: "Traffic in sight, I didn't know dashes could fly backwards."

After they pass under us they ask for higher again...

OptionsXXX: "center looks like were clear can we have higher?"

By this time center is getting annoyed so he comes back with...

Den Center: "optionsXXX you stiillll don't have enough separation on the dash for a climb...I thought G4's were faster!"

they stopped asking for higher and answered all other calls on that freq with a dejected tone to their voice. We couldn't stop laughing though.

 

[AnimalTale]

OUCH!

Heard this 2 weeks ago on a flt from SJC-DEN.

On our route we where following a UAL 777. The Ual 777 was following a SWA 737.

Controller: "United slow down to .76, following a 737."
United: "What! .76?!! Move that light twin out of the way!"
??????: "I'd rather be a light twin instead of the SINKING TITANIC."

A few moments of cringing silence.

 

[ASH]

Bump..

 

[711-24-7]

Top 11 actual things heard from ATC at Chicago O'Hare

11. Approach: "American Two Twenty, eneey, meeny, miney, mo, how do you hear my radio?"

10. Approach: "The traffic at nine o clock's gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you"
Airliner: Linda Ronstadt? what's that?"
Approach: Well sir they are gonna 'blue bayou'.

9. Airliner: "I can see the country club down below, looks like a lot of controllers out there!"
Approach: Yes, sir there are, an they are caddying for DC-10 drivers like you.

8. Airliner: Approach, what's our sequence?
Approach: Calling for the sequence I missed your callsign but if I find out what it is, your are last

7. UAL 525: Approach united five two five what this aircraft doing at my alt?
Appraoch: what makes u think it's YOUR alt, cpt?

6. Airliner: Request runway 27 right
Approach: unable
Airliner: DO you know the winds at 6000 is 270 at 50
Approach: Yeah I do if we could jack the airport up to 5500 you could have that runway, expect 14 right

5. Approach: Delta 176 say speed
Delta 176: we slowed it down to 220
Approach: pick it back up to 250, This aint atl and them aint no grits on the ground.

4. Airliner: The first officer says he has you in sight
Approach: Roger, the Fo is cleared for visual app rwy 27R, you continue on that 180 hdg and decend to 3000

3. Interphone: Hey ohare you see the 7600 code falshing five northwest of Gary?
Approach: Yeah I do you guys talking to him

2. Airliner: Approach what's the tower?
Approach: That's big tall bldg with glass all around it but thats not important right now.

1. OHARE TOWER: AIR FORCE FOUR FIVE, IT APPEARS YOUR ENGINE HAS......OH, DISREGARD. I SEE YOU HAVE ALREADY EJECTED.

 

[ILStoMinimums]

If there are any more out there, continue guys! Lots of these are great!

 

[U-I pilot]

Approach: How will this approach terminate?
Student: In a blazing hole....

 

[Twotter76]

At ORD last week as we were clearing the active

Ground: "United xxx follow the blue and gray regional....oh wait a minute, Air Shuttle xxx what are you guys doing!!!???"

United xxx: "Amazing how those little airplanes mess up a big airport"

Unknown: "Amazing that your little mind can pilot that big airplane"

 

[belchfire]

"...oh disregard, I see you have
already ejected"

lmfao!!!

 

[Smoked Toilet]

In denver on sunday, a Delta 757 was taxiing extremely slow across the north end of the B/C concourse ramp. There was my RJ and one other waiting impatiently for the dam thing to get across since we were instructed to give way. The ramp controller noticed how slow the 757 was moving and said "Sorry guys, if I new they were so unhappy about their pay cut, I would have put you 2 in front of him."

Good stuff.