What's the dumbest thing a crew has ever asked or requested?

[kack911]

Ah yes...where were we? Oh thats right...

So I had released a CRJ with the APU intake door deferred open. If I remember correctly, the MTOW was performance limited and we were going to have to bump pax. So I decided it would be best to accept the speed restriction of 300kt rather than add 400 unnecessary pounds of fuel for the APU to burn for 2 hours. The conversation went something like this:

Ca: "You forgot the fuel for the APU burn."

Me: "I didn't forget, I planned the flight at 300kt so we don't have to run the APU."

Ca: "Well...uh...I'm only landing with 2100lb, so I'd like the extra APU fuel."

Me: "Well...uh...if you run the APU for 2 hours, that extra fuel will be gone by the time you land."

Ca: "I don't understand."

Me: "Do you want the 400lb of fuel for the APU, or do you want it for when you arrive at CLT?"

Ca: "Both."

Me: "Ma'am, you can't have it both ways. If you run the APU then you'll have burned that fuel, and you'll still only land with 2100lb onboard."

Ca: "Well, I'd feel more comfortable if I had the extra fuel"

Me: "Ok, but you understand you're bumping 2 pax, and you're still going to land with the same amount of fuel, right"

Ca: "Yes, I want the extra fuel. And refile me so I'm not limited to 300kt."

Me: <heavy sigh>

The Kack

 

[XPOO]

Sidenote: Very interesting. Here, our software automatically figures in what's called a Performance Degradation Factor for that MEL. No way around it. Imagine explaining that one to a pilot. Takes awhile, trust me.

 

[kack911]

Sidenote: Very interesting. Here, our software automatically figures in what's called a Performance Degradation Factor for that MEL. No way around it. Imagine explaining that one to a pilot. Takes awhile, trust me.

Ours only accounted for burn penalties associated with CDL's like missing gear doors or aerodynamic sealant, and even then you still had to manually input the weight penalty.

The computer didn't do squat for MEL's like 49-14-01, so it was up to you to change the cruise mach/airspeed or add HOLD fuel to comply with the APU burn requirements as appropriate.

Another good example (on the CRJ), is the FMS deferral that requires a reduced-speed climb profile. The computer wouldn't do anything to remind you that it had to be done, thus a lot of people would forget to do it.

The Kack

 

[propsarebest]

ya'all need to stop pissing around with those little POCS (thats piece of canuk @*^$) RJ's and get a REAL airplane like the 747... It don't need no stinkin' CDL. 833,000 MTOW, YEA BABY!

 

[ss9e]

Ca: "Well, I'd feel more comfortable if I had the extra fuel"

i hate the heavily used, not often needed comfort card.

 

[Famous Dave]

i hate the heavily used, not often needed comfort card.

Care to explain why?

 

[kack911]

ya'all need to stop pissing around with those little POCS (thats piece of canuk @*^$) RJ's and get a REAL airplane like the 747... It don't need no stinkin' CDL. 833,000 MTOW, YEA BABY!

747's don't have CDL's?

The DC-10's I dispatched certainly did. Sh*t, we could defer the entire center landing gear (retracted) on the DC-10...albeit with a 125,000lb weight penalty.

As far as MTOW's go, we topped out at 572,000lb. Any points for second place?

The Kack

 

[kack911]

Care to explain why?

I think he's referring to the captain who "needs" 2000lb of Hold fuel on a leg from IAD to DAY when IAD is P6SM SKC and DAY is P6SM SCT080. No outbound delays, no enroute restrictions, and definitely no delays getting into DAY.

2100lb of Reserve, 300lb of Tanker, and 2000lb Hold fuel equals 4400lb Fuel-Over-Destination...or roughly 1.6 hours of fuel remaining.

Why?

I've never, ever disagreed with a PIC who wanted more fuel when flying into the hub at peak traffic, or into any kind of marginal weather enroute or at the destination, or with anticipated holding, or a dozen other things.

But when I ask why he/she needs extr fuel for that DAY leg, all I ever get is "I'm not comfortable landing that close to Min-Fuel."

As if it's somehow unsafe to land with 46 minutes of fuel remaining when its a beautiful summer evening with no shortage of suitable alternates nearby.

The Kack

 

[pw4000]

This one time at band camp

 

[Mr Wu]

One thing you guys need to realize is that when we call you we're not asking your permission, we're telling you what we're going to do. You can save yourself a whole lot of heartburn by just agreeing with us.

 

[shooter]

One thing you guys need to realize is that when we call you we're not asking your permission, we're telling you what we're going to do. You can save yourself a whole lot of heartburn by just agreeing with us.

Then why do you bother calling? Better yet just go do what you are going to do and while you are at it make the call to get ground support to get the pax off de-ice and all the other goodies you seem to take for granted. If you think you are the only ones to get things done then do it sport.

 

[10early?]

I used to give both a takeoff alternate and two destination alternates to certain pilots to let them know what I thought of their flying abilities....... SCT050 scares some pilots, believe me..........................

 

[RJAA]

One thing you guys need to realize is that when we call you we're not asking your permission, we're telling you what we're going to do. You can save yourself a whole lot of heartburn by just agreeing with us.

"Uh...hello? hey it's really foggy out here and I think I need a takeoff alternate! Oh, hey what's that burnoff to that takeoff alternate? oh, hey, the station says we are overweight and we need to reduce the fuel numbers somehow. How about we cut down some of that reserve fuel?"

Actual phone conversation. Get off your high horse.

 

[falconpilot]

I used to fly for a commuter. American Eagle actually. I flew corporate before that, so i was used to doing everything myself.. Calculating fuel burn, figured alternates and all that stuff.. So it was nice having dispatch, i enjoyed it..I didn't always agree with what yall did, but I was just an FO, so my thoughts didn't matter anyhow. I fly corporate now again, commuter wasn't for me.. The money is way better on this side. But I remember being with a Capt that called dispatch for EVERYTHING.... I thought it was funny, he couldn't calculate anything himself... I wonder what some of these guys would do without dispatch??

 

[maverick121]

Losers

One thing you guys need to realize is that when we call you we're not asking your permission, we're telling you what we're going to do. You can save yourself a whole lot of heartburn by just agreeing with us.

It's dumbasses like you and punchtheclown who continue to bring the aviation industry down. But you already knew that cause you think you know everything!

 

[Mr Wu]

It's dumbasses like you and punchtheclown who continue to bring the aviation industry down. But you already knew that cause -----you know everything!

There, I fixed your post for you.

 

[RedDogC130]

747's don't have CDL's?


As far as MTOW's go, we topped out at 572,000lb. Any points for second place?

The Kack

You are in third place the MD-11 tops at 630K...

 

[kack911]

One thing you guys need to realize is that when we call you we're not asking your permission, we're telling you what we're going to do. You can save yourself a whole lot of heartburn by just agreeing with us.

What you need to realize is that unless you are excercising your emergency authority as PIC, you need our concurrence whether you like it or not.

If you refuse to divert to the airport I tell you to, or decide to ignore my ACARS, ARINC and radio calls, and I have reason to believe that the safety of the flight is in doubt, I'm obligated by FAR to declare an emergency on your behalf.

So unless you like wondering exactly what the rules-of-engagement are as 2 F-15's start calling you on guard, I suggest you play ball.

You can start by putting the ruler down, and putting your dick back in your pants...Captain America.

The Kack

 

[falconpilot]

What you need to realize is that unless you are excercising your emergency authority as PIC, you need our concurrence whether you like it or not.

If you refuse to divert to the airport I tell you to, or decide to ignore my ACARS, ARINC and radio calls, and I have reason to believe that the safety of the flight is in doubt, I'm obligated by FAR to declare an emergency on your behalf.

So unless you like wondering exactly what the rules-of-engagement are as 2 F-15's start calling you on guard, I suggest you play ball.

You can start by putting the ruler down, and putting your dick back in your pants...Captain America.

The Kack

Wait a minute... I may be way off..Its been a long time since I flew 121.. But since when can a dispatcher order a captain as to what he needs to do? Sure we can refuse an alternate airport that you SUGGEST... We can do just about anything we please as long as safety of flight is our number one priority.. Also how would you determine if safety of flight is compromised. I think that would be a very fine line that any dispather would better be damn sure of the situation before he/she crossed that line. As a said before, when I flew 121 I appreciated the help that dispatch provides. But what pisses me off is when dispatch thinks that they are telling/ordering us what to do. Contrary to popular belief we are not a bunch of trained monkeys, if yall think you know more than we do than get your a$$ out behind your desk and come fly the friendly skies. No disrespect intended, but that last post struck a nerve.

 

[kack911]

Wait a minute... I may be way off..Its been a long time since I flew 121.. But since when can a dispatcher order a captain as to what he needs to do? Sure we can refuse an alternate airport that you SUGGEST... We can do just about anything we please as long as safety of flight is our number one priority.. Also how would you determine if safety of flight is compromised. I think that would be a very fine line that any dispather would better be dang sure of the situation before he/she crossed that line. As a said before, when I flew 121 I appreciated the help that dispatch provides. But what pisses me off is when dispatch thinks that they are telling/ordering us what to do. Contrary to popular belief we are not a bunch of trained monkeys, if yall think you know more than we do than get your a$$ out behind your desk and come fly the friendly skies. No disrespect intended, but that last post struck a nerve.

The captain and the dispatcher must agree to a course of action. If we can't agree, then there's a problem. If the captain elects to do something unsafe, like fly into known severe turbulence, I am obligated "not to allow a flight to continue into unsafe conditions."

By the same token, If I am unable to establish contact with the flight crew, and there is doubt regarding the safety or security of the aircraft, the dispatcher is authorized to take ANY action he deems necessary in the interest of safety of flight.

Ask the 9/11 dispatchers how they ascertained whether safety of flight was compromised.

Dispatchers and pilots are supposed to be on a TEAM. When numbnuts like PunchtheClown and Mr. Wu come on here and proclaim their ultimate greatness, while at the same time sh*tting all over my profession, what kind of response do you think you're going to get?

The point is, I've declared an emergency on behalf of one of my aircraft, and he thanked me for it when he got on the ground. The only people upset were management, and the ignorant pilots who think they're so "sh*t hot" that they don't need help with the sh*t hits the fan.

Be grateful you have another licensed airman with an extra set of eyes watching over you at every moment. Be grateful that we're just a phone/radio call away to give you any help you may need. Be grateful that we pass the same ATP test your captain had to pass to get his fourth stripe.

A good pilot makes use of all of his resources, and delegates duties in order to accomplish the mission. If AssClown and TooWongFoo don't know how to do that, or refuse to do that, then maybe they should slide their A$$es out from behind that yoke and come be responsible for 17 airplanes at the same time.

TheKack