Saddest week of my life

[Capn Lucky]

Capt B....


Counseling, counseling and more counseling......

I'm not certain what your situation is, but I'v been married 17 years. It looked dismal a couple times, but we kept talking a sought help when needed. Do what is necessary to keep the marriage and you'll do just fine. Beer is very bad advice.

To the guy who found the personal trainer, I hoipe you make alot of money dude. You'll need it.

 

[Timebuilder]

Vavso-

I'm left wondering how your wife was able to have these friends, and make such a monumental change in her life without your active participation and support. It suggests to me that your interest was elsewhere long before you met the personal trainer.

Can I recommend that you make an accounting of yourself and your life, including your marriage, before your relationship enters an unrecoverable spin?

At one point in my life I was the ultimate party animal/horndog, and I was able to turn away from a "road to nowhere". Life is much better now. You can do it, too. Actually if I could do it, ANYONE can.

 

[phishn@daves]

Same here for a bit!

Hey CaptBuzzard,

I was going through the same thing just a few weeks ago, only It was more her fault or so I thought.

I felt she wasn't treating me with the respect I deserved. When I first met her she had a 4 year old son (now 7) and I have become a father to him, as well as cooking dinner (I was a chef for three yrs.) and cleaning and being supportive of whatever she wanted to do. I can't really give specifics but she was basically treating me like Sh&%. Her parents even agreed with me and they were scared that I would leave her.

Well, I had been recalled recently and have only been home a few times since all this had happened. Before I left however, we hadn't spoken in a week, only blank stares as we passed eachother through the house. I decided to talk to her the night I left and after a few tears she agreed she would try harder and I agreed I would also try.

Since then, things have been great between us, even better than when we first met. (well, close anyway)

Now my point after going on..........I decided to give it a try, but, unlike one of the other post's here I will not give up my dreams (Flying) to make things work out. You can't just change careers to make someone else happy, because you won't be. Just like you cannot ask anyone to change who they are, because they will be lying to themselves and that's not a good situation for anyone and that is not the person you met or fell in love with. You have to be happy in all facets of your life not just with the person you are with. If you have to try to make someone happy then maybe this isn't the right person for you.

I'm just telling my story, but I think some time apart may be good for both of you. It gave me time to think about what I really loved about our relationship and our lives together.

Good luck I know this is emotionally draining and probably takes up most of your day thinking about, but try to keep a clear head and think straight about what you really want.

Keep strong.

 

[dlwdracos]

If she is moving out, you guys are moving quickly in the wrong direction. If there is any way to do some damage control quick, I would. I have stuck it out with my wife for 4 years and have finally come to realize that I can not change her. If any changing is going to be made, it must be by me.

However, I am the head of the household and the only one that works. So, If I chose to spend my extra money flying, she will have to come to terms with that. If she ever gets motivated to work, and add something to the income of the family, then we can make some financial changes. Until then, I feel she is lucky to have me still around and paying all the bills. I love my daughter and want to be a father to her more than weekends.

If you could be more specific about the problems you are having, maybe we could offer advice. Most of us on the board have made some major screwups and can offer advice at least on those subjects.

 

[Simon Says]

Somebody told me once before.........In order to be a Captain at a major airline you have to be divorced once, been furloughed once, and at least one strike under your belt. Hang in there my friend I am sure things will turn for the better. In the mean time Flightinfo.com is a great place to turn to for sarcasm....er I mean support.

Good Luck.

 

[troy]

I went through a divorce when I was working on my private, I know what you are going through.

The only mistake I made was to get the attitude of "holding on no matter what" and brought my self down and got into trouble.

Keep your chin up and smile. A relationship is a two way street. I've only come to realize this in my second marriage. My first, I gave everything, she took.

Family and friends are your best support. Sometimes even people you don't regard as friends are there to support you in your time of need. Try to work it out, compromise, and put out good effort. If it doesn't work out, at least you will know that you tried.

Good luck and God bless you both.

 

[Dieterly]

Vavso, whatever happend when your wife came back???

 

[AAflyer]

Counseling is only as good as you want to make it, even then it is still not guranteed. It actually caused more problems for us, which ended in divorce.

Looking back, I would recommend the seperation, it will put things in perspective, allow you both to focus on yourselves, faults and positive traits.

I have been there, and know how you feel. The one advantage to this, you realize how much of the trivial stuff one gets upset over is hardly worth it. Best of Luck, if it does not work, take what you can out of it to better yourself.

AAflyer

 

[TurboS7]

Pick up the book Love languages by Gary Chapman. I have been married 25 years and women just need love, but we need to know how to love.The divorce rate between Christians and non-Christians or religious people is the same, hang in there you'll make it. By the way every marriage goes through a rough time every 5 years, you'll make it as you already have a broken spirit.

 

[kilomike]

Vavso and religious wife

Frankly, I can see where Vavso is coming from. I have a relative who is a religous fanatic and this person is very difficult to deal with. She is always trying to re-convert my uncle, a happy Protestant back to Catholicism, which I think is wrong. Leave him alone, let him be--religion is personal anyway! And this is AMERICA, a country of religious freedom and diversity.

I would not appreciate having a spouse turn into a religious fanatic and would not hesitate walk out on someone who became one. I have my religious beliefs but I do feel that others have a right to have their own beliefs. Religious fanatics are not easy to live with. I know. They are obnoxious and carry things to an extreme even with routine issues of daily living. Even counselling would not stop me from leaving a once-happy spouse who turned unexpectedly into a fanatic.

 

[Britpilot]

Re: Vavso and religious wife

Frankly, I can see where Vavso is coming from. I have a relative who is a religous fanatic and this person is very difficult to deal with. She is always trying to re-convert my uncle, a happy Protestant back to Catholicism, which I think is wrong. Leave him alone, let him be--religion is personal anyway! And this is AMERICA, a country of religious freedom and diversity.

I would not appreciate having a spouse turn into a religious fanatic and would not hesitate walk out on someone who became one. I have my religious beliefs but I do feel that others have a right to have their own beliefs. Religious fanatics are not easy to live with. I know. They are obnoxious and carry things to an extreme even with routine issues of daily living. Even counselling would not stop me from leaving a once-happy spouse who turned unexpectedly into a fanatic.

Excellent view point and you are 100% correct.

 

[TurboS7]

I would say that this board is no place to go and find emotional support it is a great place to get ideas and see another point of view. To say that this doesn't belong on this board--hogwash--. I have been in aviation all my life and I have never seen and experienced such moral and emotional void that I have seen in the airlines. The divorce rate is unbelievable and happens quite often, many, many, times. How to have a family and have a career in this business is a real challange and very serious. I have yet to see any real answers and just when your own marriage seems intact you go through another crisis. I just finished a trip with an old, old EAL flight attentant named Teddy(78 years old). He lost his wife 8 years ago, he told me he didn't appreciate what he had until she was gone after 38 years of marriage. He said all his life in his mind he was too busy chasing other FA's or whatever. Now he is free to chase and has no desire to. How do we appreciate and be satisfied in life with what we have????I am still working on that.

 

[skyking1976]

Hang in there...

Capt. B.,

I am terribly sorry to hear about your situation. I can't speak from experience, but I can say that I have sympathy for you.

I've been together with my wife for 5 years now and I am grateful that I have the loving relationship that I do. Not being religious, I can't say that God has blessed me with a good marriage. I have to believe that what makes our marriage work is both my wife and myself have mutual respect for each other and we believe in the the vows we took when we got married.

Now then... My advice to you is:

1. Definitely get some counseling from a therapist, religious cleric, support group, etc., it doesn't matter. If you can establish communication between you and your spouse, there is still a chance.

2. Listen and respect what your wife has to say. I'm not saying that you haven't done that already, but it sounds like she has to have her feelings validated from you.

3. Ask her if she still loves you. This is very important. There cannot be a meaningful marriage without love from both sides. She may not like what you have turned into but, nonetheless, she still may love you.

4. Do not trade happiness for change. If you cannot be happy with yourself by "changing your ways", how do you expect to have a happy marriage?

Quote from Capt. Buzzard: "I love her more than life itself, I just haven't been able to show her for a while."

5. If you get an opportunity, SHOW HER, YOU DUMB B^STARD!!!! Actions speak louder than words.

6. No matter what happens, you will be a better man because of it. If you do get back together, make sure both of you have truly learned from your experience and your marriage will stronger than it has ever been.

If you really love your wife, I hope that you can have the courage and conviction to do whatever it takes to see that both of you are happy. I wish you the best and I hope everything will work out in the end.

Keep the blue side up,

Dr. Skyking, Psychiatrist

 

[scout]

Excellent, excellent post Dr Phil! ...erm, I mean Dr Skyking

If she still loves you, and if you have the balls to make amends, she will forgive you. A woman in love is still a malleable creature... even ice can be sculpted.

My heart goes out to you Buzz,
scout

 

[skyking1976]

Thanx for the props, Scout.