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Saddest week of my life

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CaptBuzzard

I'm back!
Joined
Nov 28, 2001
Posts
145
My wife and i are in the middle of a separation. We're not throwing in the towel yet, but she's getting her own place in a couple of weeks. I am heartbroken. A lot of the problems are mine and I am realizing that I need to change a lot of my ways in order to be happier. Until then, she doesn't want the person I am now. I am not going to give up. I love her more than life itself, I just haven't been able to show her for a while. I'm sure someone out there has gone through this as well. Any comforting thoughts would really help during this difficult time.

Captbuzzard
 
I hope you have friends who can support you and/or you can afford counciling if need be. Public message boards like this should not be your primary support framework.

Good luck,
AZPilot
 
Without any specific information, my general advice is that actions, as the saying goes, speak louder than words. If you can demonstrate a change in behavior over time, women will respond positively. If communication is a problem, sometimes a common friend who cares about both of you can be a help.

If you attend a church or temple, ask your pastor/priest/rabbi for help. This will be tougher than any checkride.
 
Bro...

Bro...

Maybe if you go out and get a real job, she will change her mind.

Get counseling.

Meanwhile, there is always beer.

Good luck.
 
Hey Turbine,

There you go again spouting off your sewer trap. Why don't you shut it. This guy is going through a tough time and you on here shooting off your trap. SHUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Build a support network of close friends and family members, people you can talk to any time of day or night. Seek counsiling.
Stay in touch with your support network as much as you can.

As time goes by, it will get better.

Good luck,
Jetprop
 
Although right now you may feel very much alone, the truth is you are not. The problem you are having occurs in the course of many marriages.

Marriage is always a two-way street. I notice you said that you love your wife more than life itself. Your wife must also love you more than life itself. If she does, the two of you will be able to resolve whatever difficulties you may have, no matter how big or how small they may be.

As another poster said, if you have a religious connection seek the advice and counsel of your priest/rabbi/pastor/iman. You should do this together, but if that is not possible right now don't be afraid to do it by yourself.

In case you don't have that opportunity, you parents or close friends that you trust might be able to help but generally, professional counseling is often better. Seek it out an use it.

Again, it is a joint problem and there should be a joint solution. You married together, you've lived together and you must solve problems together.

The very best wishes to you.

PS. While you are emotionally upset, you should avoid flying if possible. Whatever you do, remember that alocohol or drugs don't solve any problem, they only mask it for a short time.
 
CaptB,

I'm sorry to hear about the trying time that you're going through. I agree with azpilot that this board shouldn't be your primary support system though, it could be a part of it. You "AND" your wife might find the following book helpful:

"The Conflict Between Us is the Conflict Within Me"
by Dr. Charles D. & Patti Leviton
ISBN 0-9702876-0-7 Copyright 2000

This book has practical info in it that you can start applying to ALL the relationships in your life. No one book is a cure-all but, I think this one is worth looking into.
Try not to take responsibility for her part in the marriage; it usually takes two. Take it easy!
Best Wishes to both of you
 
No, this board isn't just a method of support. I guess it was just what came to my mind. I have talked with family and friends which is helping me through this now. I was hesitant to post a message, but like I said, it just came to mind since I was surfing on it already. I am trying to do things that take my mind off things. I have signed up for some counseling for me first, and then if there is a chance that we'll get back together, we both will be going for sure.
 
I have to commend you on your bravery for bringing this subject up. Pilots are not what you would call a "sensitive" group of individuals.

We are engaged in a profession which requires a great deal of sacrifice and dedication. Some spouses understand this, some don't. I would not be where I am today if I did not have the support of my wife.

As pilots, when problems occur, we isolate the problem, then fix it, unfortunately, relationships are not that easy....

I think you are on the right track in looking inward.

I think that at some point in our lives all of us have been in your position in some form or another. Be strong.

I wish you the best of luck.....fly safely.............
 
In similar situation

My wife and I are married for 13 years with no kids she recently became VERY involved in Church Its her whole life . We no longer watch R rated movies, listen to rock music or watch any racy televeision and she does not drink . These are all unacceptable to her . All her friends are christians . They live clean lives but the fun has been removed from my marriage so I met and have been seeing a woman who is a personal trainer on the side who is very fun and exciting .We work out together I lost 28 pounds and feel the best I have felt in years . I love my wife but cannot deal with the "new Her " unfortunately a friend of hers saw me and this woman at the beach together .I am sure she also saw inappropriate behavior . I almost think I wanted to get caught my wife is away for now but upon return I am sure things will get interesting . So to Capt Buzzard keep your chin up and good luck . I am beginning to wonder about lifes true meaning I almost think we sholud just live life to its fullest and not fall in love . Vavso
 
Well, that will make the thread a little more interesting.

Is this flaim bait or what?

If not.......

C'mon man, you took the same vows your wife did.

Show her some respect.

Maybe you can go to church with her and find what your wife has found.

Good luck my man.
 
A personal trainer?! Aww, c'mon guys... forget the goofy flying stuff... I want more romping around the beach stories!

Capt B... hang in there, my man. I was in a similar situation six years ago... was heading to sea for a six month deployment on an aircraft carrier when the wife broke the news she wanted out. My first reaction was to blame myself and try to change... didn't help. I remember someone telling me that sometimes once a woman has made up her mind about these things it's nearly impossible to turn it back. I agree with that statement. Make positive changes in your life where they need to be made, let her see them but don't force the issue. If she doesn't respond, let it go knowing you did your best and move on. As someone already mentioned, you may be partially to blame but certainly not all... fix what you can, accept what you can't... you know, the old AA creed... cliche' but true.

That was a dark period, very tough times. I know many folks here have been in the same situation. The upshot is that today my life is the best it has ever been. Regardless of how it turns out or how bad it feels now, you will say the same some day soon. Let time do its good work!
 
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my wife

I told my wife as we prepare for the career change that if she doesn't like the schedule or lifestyle to just tell me and no matter how much I like the job and we will find something new. Thats why I'm so set on finishing a computer science masters as a backup plan. If I have to pick between a fun job and a happy wife I'll take the happy wife!
 
Capt B....


Counseling, counseling and more counseling......

I'm not certain what your situation is, but I'v been married 17 years. It looked dismal a couple times, but we kept talking a sought help when needed. Do what is necessary to keep the marriage and you'll do just fine. Beer is very bad advice.

To the guy who found the personal trainer, I hoipe you make alot of money dude. You'll need it.
 
Vavso-

I'm left wondering how your wife was able to have these friends, and make such a monumental change in her life without your active participation and support. It suggests to me that your interest was elsewhere long before you met the personal trainer.

Can I recommend that you make an accounting of yourself and your life, including your marriage, before your relationship enters an unrecoverable spin?

At one point in my life I was the ultimate party animal/horndog, and I was able to turn away from a "road to nowhere". Life is much better now. You can do it, too. Actually if I could do it, ANYONE can.
 
Same here for a bit!

Hey CaptBuzzard,

I was going through the same thing just a few weeks ago, only It was more her fault or so I thought.

I felt she wasn't treating me with the respect I deserved. When I first met her she had a 4 year old son (now 7) and I have become a father to him, as well as cooking dinner (I was a chef for three yrs.) and cleaning and being supportive of whatever she wanted to do. I can't really give specifics but she was basically treating me like Sh&%. Her parents even agreed with me and they were scared that I would leave her.

Well, I had been recalled recently and have only been home a few times since all this had happened. Before I left however, we hadn't spoken in a week, only blank stares as we passed eachother through the house. I decided to talk to her the night I left and after a few tears she agreed she would try harder and I agreed I would also try.

Since then, things have been great between us, even better than when we first met. (well, close anyway)

Now my point after going on..........I decided to give it a try, but, unlike one of the other post's here I will not give up my dreams (Flying) to make things work out. You can't just change careers to make someone else happy, because you won't be. Just like you cannot ask anyone to change who they are, because they will be lying to themselves and that's not a good situation for anyone and that is not the person you met or fell in love with. You have to be happy in all facets of your life not just with the person you are with. If you have to try to make someone happy then maybe this isn't the right person for you.

I'm just telling my story, but I think some time apart may be good for both of you. It gave me time to think about what I really loved about our relationship and our lives together.

Good luck I know this is emotionally draining and probably takes up most of your day thinking about, but try to keep a clear head and think straight about what you really want.

Keep strong.
 
If she is moving out, you guys are moving quickly in the wrong direction. If there is any way to do some damage control quick, I would. I have stuck it out with my wife for 4 years and have finally come to realize that I can not change her. If any changing is going to be made, it must be by me.

However, I am the head of the household and the only one that works. So, If I chose to spend my extra money flying, she will have to come to terms with that. If she ever gets motivated to work, and add something to the income of the family, then we can make some financial changes. Until then, I feel she is lucky to have me still around and paying all the bills. I love my daughter and want to be a father to her more than weekends.

If you could be more specific about the problems you are having, maybe we could offer advice. Most of us on the board have made some major screwups and can offer advice at least on those subjects.
 
Somebody told me once before.........In order to be a Captain at a major airline you have to be divorced once, been furloughed once, and at least one strike under your belt. Hang in there my friend I am sure things will turn for the better. In the mean time Flightinfo.com is a great place to turn to for sarcasm....er I mean support.

Good Luck.
 
I went through a divorce when I was working on my private, I know what you are going through.

The only mistake I made was to get the attitude of "holding on no matter what" and brought my self down and got into trouble.

Keep your chin up and smile. A relationship is a two way street. I've only come to realize this in my second marriage. My first, I gave everything, she took.

Family and friends are your best support. Sometimes even people you don't regard as friends are there to support you in your time of need. Try to work it out, compromise, and put out good effort. If it doesn't work out, at least you will know that you tried.

Good luck and God bless you both.
 
Counseling is only as good as you want to make it, even then it is still not guranteed. It actually caused more problems for us, which ended in divorce.

Looking back, I would recommend the seperation, it will put things in perspective, allow you both to focus on yourselves, faults and positive traits.

I have been there, and know how you feel. The one advantage to this, you realize how much of the trivial stuff one gets upset over is hardly worth it. Best of Luck, if it does not work, take what you can out of it to better yourself.

AAflyer
 
Pick up the book Love languages by Gary Chapman. I have been married 25 years and women just need love, but we need to know how to love.The divorce rate between Christians and non-Christians or religious people is the same, hang in there you'll make it. By the way every marriage goes through a rough time every 5 years, you'll make it as you already have a broken spirit.
 
Vavso and religious wife

Frankly, I can see where Vavso is coming from. I have a relative who is a religous fanatic and this person is very difficult to deal with. She is always trying to re-convert my uncle, a happy Protestant back to Catholicism, which I think is wrong. Leave him alone, let him be--religion is personal anyway! And this is AMERICA, a country of religious freedom and diversity.

I would not appreciate having a spouse turn into a religious fanatic and would not hesitate walk out on someone who became one. I have my religious beliefs but I do feel that others have a right to have their own beliefs. Religious fanatics are not easy to live with. I know. They are obnoxious and carry things to an extreme even with routine issues of daily living. Even counselling would not stop me from leaving a once-happy spouse who turned unexpectedly into a fanatic.
 
Re: Vavso and religious wife

kilomike said:
Frankly, I can see where Vavso is coming from. I have a relative who is a religous fanatic and this person is very difficult to deal with. She is always trying to re-convert my uncle, a happy Protestant back to Catholicism, which I think is wrong. Leave him alone, let him be--religion is personal anyway! And this is AMERICA, a country of religious freedom and diversity.

I would not appreciate having a spouse turn into a religious fanatic and would not hesitate walk out on someone who became one. I have my religious beliefs but I do feel that others have a right to have their own beliefs. Religious fanatics are not easy to live with. I know. They are obnoxious and carry things to an extreme even with routine issues of daily living. Even counselling would not stop me from leaving a once-happy spouse who turned unexpectedly into a fanatic.
Click to expand...


Excellent view point and you are 100% correct.
 
I would say that this board is no place to go and find emotional support it is a great place to get ideas and see another point of view. To say that this doesn't belong on this board--hogwash--. I have been in aviation all my life and I have never seen and experienced such moral and emotional void that I have seen in the airlines. The divorce rate is unbelievable and happens quite often, many, many, times. How to have a family and have a career in this business is a real challange and very serious. I have yet to see any real answers and just when your own marriage seems intact you go through another crisis. I just finished a trip with an old, old EAL flight attentant named Teddy(78 years old). He lost his wife 8 years ago, he told me he didn't appreciate what he had until she was gone after 38 years of marriage. He said all his life in his mind he was too busy chasing other FA's or whatever. Now he is free to chase and has no desire to. How do we appreciate and be satisfied in life with what we have????I am still working on that.
 
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Hang in there...

Capt. B.,

I am terribly sorry to hear about your situation. I can't speak from experience, but I can say that I have sympathy for you.

I've been together with my wife for 5 years now and I am grateful that I have the loving relationship that I do. Not being religious, I can't say that God has blessed me with a good marriage. I have to believe that what makes our marriage work is both my wife and myself have mutual respect for each other and we believe in the the vows we took when we got married.

Now then... My advice to you is:

1. Definitely get some counseling from a therapist, religious cleric, support group, etc., it doesn't matter. If you can establish communication between you and your spouse, there is still a chance.

2. Listen and respect what your wife has to say. I'm not saying that you haven't done that already, but it sounds like she has to have her feelings validated from you.

3. Ask her if she still loves you. This is very important. There cannot be a meaningful marriage without love from both sides. She may not like what you have turned into but, nonetheless, she still may love you.

4. Do not trade happiness for change. If you cannot be happy with yourself by "changing your ways", how do you expect to have a happy marriage?

Quote from Capt. Buzzard: "I love her more than life itself, I just haven't been able to show her for a while."

5. If you get an opportunity, SHOW HER, YOU DUMB B^STARD!!!! Actions speak louder than words.

6. No matter what happens, you will be a better man because of it. If you do get back together, make sure both of you have truly learned from your experience and your marriage will stronger than it has ever been.

If you really love your wife, I hope that you can have the courage and conviction to do whatever it takes to see that both of you are happy. I wish you the best and I hope everything will work out in the end.

Keep the blue side up,

Dr. Skyking, Psychiatrist
 
Excellent, excellent post Dr Phil! ...erm, I mean Dr Skyking ;)

If she still loves you, and if you have the balls to make amends, she will forgive you. A woman in love is still a malleable creature... even ice can be sculpted.

My heart goes out to you Buzz,
scout
 
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