Moronic Passenger Stories

[Cardinal]

Briefing a bunch of pax in the mighty Beech:

Me: "In the unlikely event of an emergency, pull the red handle, the door will come inside, turn the exit and discard it out the window"

Idiot A: "You want me to do that now?"

Me: "No, in the unlikely event of an emergency"

Idiot A: "Oh, ok."

Idiot B: "But I don't get it"

Me: "What don't you get?"

Idiot B: "Does the exit have a parachute?"

Me, stifling laughter: "No."

Idiot B: "Then what's the point of having an exit back here?"

At that point I could no longer contain myself, so I tramped back to the cockpit. One want's to evacuate a fully functional aircraft, the other want's to exacuate in flight - I presume they're both still wondering.

 

[Typhoon1244]

I wish I could take credit for this story, but I can't.

A friend of mine is a captain on the Saab up north. One hot day, when ground air wasn't available, he had the passengers wait on the bus from the terminal until he had an engine running. What he didn't know was that the A/C wasn't working on the bus either...a real dammed-if-you-do/dammed-if-you-don't situation. Fortunately, only one passenger was irate about this situation, but she really came unglued once she got aboard. She called him every name in the book, berated his skills as a captain and a pilot, etc, etc. She was loud enough and abusive enough that my friend finally had her removed from the flight.

The next day he got pulled into the chief pilot's office. They wanted to know why he had thrown their parent company's V.P. of Human Resources off his airplane.

It turned into a conference call situation. Her boss told my friend not to worry about it...apparently he didn't like her either.

 

[Standby 1]

Overheard as pax were boarding (bottlenecking at the forward entry, as usual): A young lady peeks around the bulkhead down the aisle and loudly exclaims to her traveling companion, "Oh my g*d! This plane was built for midgets! They've got us on a f*cking circus plane!"
Betcha didn't know Wringling Bros, Barnum & Bailey owned an airline (we've known it for a while now).


...


Prior to boarding a flight down to Corpus, we hear that a blind woman would be boarding who was denied passage on the previous flight. Something about her service dog was involved. Feeling awful about this, we exact a promise from our FA to bend over backwards for this woman, comp everything for her, etc. Finally, they wheel this woman down the jetway in her wheel chair ----- she is dressed to the nines with a tiny Pomeranian in her lap. Yep, that was her "service dog."

We called ops and asked if a Pomeranian qualified as a service animal and were told that if the passenger says it is, then it is. Okey dokey. Next time a pax shows up with a seeing-eye horse, I'll load it right up.





..

 

[PlanetK]

alright, here's a funny one, may or may not be true. been circulating around WN forever.

older male pax boards flight and is greeted by a female flight attendant. the gentleman notices that there are two female pilots this day, and grumbles something about not liking the idea of two female pilots flying him. the f/a tells him not to worry, they're both competent professionals. the old guys doesn't give it a rest, and doesn't want broads in the cockpit. the f/a gives up on reason, and tells the man that it's no longer referred to as the COCKpit, but is now known as the BOX office.

this one gets much funnier after a few of those dollar beers!

 

[chperplt]

Next time a pax shows up with a seeing-eye horse, I'll load it right up.

You say that in gest but I have seen a service mini pony. It sat in first with me on a flight to CVG.

 

[atrdriver]

And don't forget the "service pig" from a few years ago. I think that was on US Air, but not sure about that.

 

[acaTerry]

I almost became a stupid passenger once. I had never even stood near a Fokker 100 before, and now I was riding one to Long Beach for a checkride...and I was beginning to wonder when the crew was going to configure the airplane for takeoff. The flaps were still up when they went to takeoff power, so I gritted my teeth and hoped everything would be fine.

Man, I did the same thing. I too kept quiet, but sure as he11 was scared!

 

[smellthejeta]

Service Animals

I don't know what if your FOM addresses the issue on service animals or not, but we were specifically told that *any* animal designated by a disabled passenger as a service animal in any capacity, that we were to accept it without question.

 

[Metro752]

I probably had one of these stories written about me. Before I started my flying career I was on a 1900 sitting over the right wing. About 30 minutes into the flight a panel on the inboard of the right engine started flapping pretty bad, so I thought I'd tell the pilots. I went up and knocked on the bulkhead, and the curtain opens and the FO askes me what I want. I told him about the panel, and he says that's normal. As I walked back to my seat I heard both pilots laughing about the dip$hit passenger. About 20 minutes later the panel flew off and I was looking into the side of the engine. I went back up and knocked again, and when the FO looked out at me I asked him if it was normal when the panels flew off. They didn't do a whole lot of laughing after that.

dipsh1ts

 

[Standby 1]

I don't know what if your FOM addresses the issue on service animals or not, but we were specifically told that *any* animal designated by a disabled passenger as a service animal in any capacity, that we were to accept it without question.

Our policy as well. The woman in question, however, only claimed to be blind in order for her lap dog to be allowed to sit in her lap for the flight. In other words, she knew how to work the system.




..

 

[matchthehatch]

Not necessarily a "moronic pax" story, but was comical nonetheless. I was deadheading on a company Dash 8 from PIT to BGM sitting in row 1. A 20-something male pax runs up to the lav (right behind the FO's seat) about 15 minutes out. The CA turns on the seat belt sign, and the FA gives the pax briefing. The dude pops his head out the lav to talk to the FA. She comes to me to ask me if I would take another empty seat. Turns out the guy shat himself, his pants, and the lav. He comes out of the lav about 2 minutes before landing with a blanket wrapped around his nether regions. Needless to say, he was the last to deplane.

Poor guy. He had just returned from a spring break trip from Mexico. Dam# that Montezcuma!

 

[Corona]

I made the mistake as a new regional FO of standing at the counter in AZ where the pax could see me. One weekend warrior came up to me and began a barrage of questions: Why is the flight to PHX delayed? What's the wx down there? What's the minimums on the VOR approach (guess his instructor may have mentioned those once). I told him that PHX got congested anytime there was wx within 100NM.

So he asks: Well, what if the wx goes below (whatever the minimums were for the VOR approach)?

I reply, not being a smart-ass: Well, then we'd use the ILS.

He says: They have an ILS? Why didn't you tell me that?

Me: Excuse me, I have to go do something.

Yep, imagine that folks: A major international airport with an ILS! What will they think of next?!

C

 

[getnverted]

We've all been mistaken for something other than pilots while in uniform, but this is my favorite thus far. I break down in TOL on the last day of a trip, so the company tells me to rent a car and we can drive home to FWA. Enroute we stop at a rest area to take a leak. Some guy stops me and asks where Kalamazoo is. I tell him it's in Michigan. He asks me how to get there, to which I tell him I don't know. He points at my outfit and says, "well don't you work here?" I tell him, "I apologize sir, but no, I am not a rest area attendent."

 

[FL000]

Prior to boarding a flight down to Corpus, we hear that a blind woman would be boarding who was denied passage on the previous flight. Something about her service dog was involved. Feeling awful about this, we exact a promise from our FA to bend over backwards for this woman, comp everything for her, etc. Finally, they wheel this woman down the jetway in her wheel chair ----- she is dressed to the nines with a tiny Pomeranian in her lap. Yep, that was her "service dog."

We called ops and asked if a Pomeranian qualified as a service animal and were told that if the passenger says it is, then it is. Okey dokey. Next time a pax shows up with a seeing-eye horse, I'll load it right up.

At least it wasn't this:

June 1, 2003.

Washington Post.

Don't complain if you find yourself seated next to a pig on your next flight. It may be a service pig providing emotional support to its owner. Under newly revised Department of Transportation guidelines, the pig might have just as much right to fly as you.

When rules were first written in 1966, a service animal was usually a guide dog. Now all kinds of animals serve a wide array of disabilities. Revised rules are intended in part to help airline personnel distinguish mentally healthy pretenders with pets from mentally ill passengers with emotional support animals.

There really are such things. Psychiatric service animals help people disabled by panic disorder, post-traumatic stress syndrome, depression and brain chemistry dysfunction, according to the International Association of Assistance Dog Partners. Its Web site explains, for example, that animals can arouse a person who has zoned out by tapping or nudging, can fetch meds and can create a comfort zone around people who panic in crowds.

New uses have opened the door to fraud, though. ``People have tried to bring on board rodents, ferrets, monkeys and snakes for emotional support,'' says David Berg, an attorney for the Air Transport Association, an airline trade group. In one case, a woman showed up for a cross-country flight with a 300-pound pot-bellied pig, claiming it was a service animal. The pig went berserk and tried to ram the cockpit.


Service animals fly free, although airlines may ask for documentation, such as a letter from a licensed mental health professional. Under the new rules, airlines are not required to carry on board ferrets, rodents, reptiles or spiders, no matter how emotionally supportive they may be. The Complete Guide to the Care and Training of Potbellied Pigs, by Kathleen Myers, recommends: ``Be sure your pig has gone to the bathroom before you begin your trip.''

 

[DashTrash400]

On the moronic pax w/ bogus service animals topic...

Last autumn I was doing an early morning Kalispell-Seattle flight, & the captain and I are chillin in the cockpit watching people walk across the ramp to the airplane...we see this strung-out looking chick with a golden retriever that's pretty much pulling her behind it, generally misbehaving...

The captain went back to see about the dog, sure nuff she said she needed it for emotional support & even had a doctor's note. CA sez, fine, but it needs to act like a trained service animal then, and sit down quietly under the seat. It took 20 minutes to get the **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED** thing to settle down. The captain was very close to kicking her off the airplane, but the gate agent was pushing for her to stay on, and the dog finally did settle down so the CA said he'd take her on the condition that she had to control the dog the whole flight, making sure it stayed under the seat. She was very apologetic and said she'd do her best.

So as I'm taking off, I could swear I hear barking. FA calls us out of 10k... turns out that as I rotated on takeoff, the dog jumped out of its row (2A), ran down the length of the aisle barking, ran back up, and jumped on a passenger in 5D and tried to lick him. This guy was an MVP Gold. Not only did the owner not restrain the dog, she was very defiant, saying he can sit wherever he wants to.

Captain seriously thought about turning around and dropping her ass at FCA. Instead we called ahead to SEA and arranged for Alaska Airlines to deny her boarding SEA-OAK. The CA personally went to the Oakland gate and told the AS CA what happened, ensuring she didn't get on the flight. Way to go, moron!

 

[Ill Mitch]

Back in 1998 or so, me and a bud ferried a Pitts Special from Livermore to Van Nuys. Since the cushions in those things suck to sit on for more than 3 seconds, we opted to use parachutes...plus we were gonna do some akro on the way down.
We get to Van Nuys, put the chutes in the chute bags and hop a ride over to Burbank to catch a SWA flight to OAK.
Well..we are sitting at the gate waiting to board when a gate agent comes up to me and very quietly asks if I would come with her. Sure thing. She leads me behind a little barrier thingy and asks me to open up the bag. She asks "What's this?" and I explain to her why me and my buddy have chutes. She found it acceptable and I proceeded back to my seat in the terminal.
My buddy asks "What was that all about?" I reply "They wanted to check the parachute".
A Lady sitting right next to him looks at us wide eyed and goes "Parachutes?" to which my friend..in all seriousness...replies "Yeah....they didn't give you one?"