Moronic Passenger Stories

[Corbon]

In Tampa we do the regular "walk across the ramp to the RJ" boarding. As usual, there are various unused jetways in the area. Well, one day we were boarding and one pax, instead of walking all the way to the aircraft all the other passengers were going, took a 180 degree turn, walked to the outside stairs on a jetway that was only attached to the terminal, and proceeded to climb them thinking it was going to magically transport him to an airplane, even though there was no other plane on the ramp besides ours. He got all the way to the top and was trying to open the door before a ramper caught up to him.

While deadheading in uniform, one woman requested to sit next to me because she was a fearful flyer. She was telling me how she wrote the FBI a letter suggesting they do something to prevent terrorists from just opening the emergency exits in flight. I think she felt a little dumb, but maybe relieved when I explained the many benefits of pressurization.

 

[Typhoon1244]

I heard one about a passenger... [who wrote] the company a letter about how the pilots...on a J-32...did not do a mag check before takeoff.

When my father was chief pilot at SunJet, he handled a few letters like this...someone made the same "mag-check" complaint about one of their MD-80 crews. They also got a letter complaining that SunJet's pilots were flying airplanes with "broken tail ailerons." (Apparently he saw the elevators flopping around in the breeze...)

Not long after Alaska lost that MD-80 off the west coast, when the media was full of talk about stabilizers and jackscrews, dad had a passenger approach him at the gate and ask if they had that "stabilizer problem" fixed yet. He smiled and told her that the stabilizers were causing so many problems that the company had finally just removed all of them. The passenger was greatly relieved.

I almost became a stupid passenger once. I had never even stood near a Fokker 100 before, and now I was riding one to Long Beach for a checkride...and I was beginning to wonder when the crew was going to configure the airplane for takeoff. The flaps were still up when they went to takeoff power, so I gritted my teeth and hoped everything would be fine.

It was...and I learned something about F-100's I didn't know! (Glad I didn't speak up... )

 

[flatspin7]

In my previous job - we had the pax take a photo with the captain before we left. I was standing around back of the plane to keep the people contained until the capt was done with the photos and boarded the plane.


One of the first pax comes back to me and askes me if I am the pilot-- I respond yes.
He next question was "Well if you the pilot who is he?" motioning to the Capt.

I explain the virtures of a 2 pilot cockpit, when she looks at me with a confused look and says " OH I thought he was just here for the pictures!!!'

---------------------------------------------------------------------
On a seperate note, I just got off a trip where the flight attendant decided to tell everybody on the plane that it was my first ever landing in the plane. (It wasnt) The weather was about 500 overcast and 1 mi vis. I make a decent landing... once at the gate all of the pax congradulated me on the landing.

 

[rk772]

We were descending our SAAB into Tyler on a hot Texas day. Before passing through 10, I turned on the seatbelt sigh and could hear the FA give the “stay in your seat for the remainder of the flight” announcement.
The lav in the Eagle Saab is installed directly behind the FO’s seat. A few minutes later the toilet seat hit me in the back and I knew that someone had not listened to the announcements. 5 seconds after this we hit a downdraft that threw me up into my seatbelt. I knew this guy must have been in full stream and probably hit the ceiling. A few minutes later the FA called and asked us to request for someone to clean the lav before our leg back to DFW. She said the guy, who’s pants were pretty wet, actually had the nerve to complain about our flying skills.




I was commuting home in the back of an 80 one day when this lady sat down beside me and gave me the “aren’t you supposed to be in the cockpit” comment. I just happened to have my computer in my lap. I quickly clicked on my flight sim program and brought up a screenshot of an instrument panel and told the lady that we were in the final testing phase of a pilot-less cockpit and I would be monitoring the progress of the flight from my computer. I told her that I had a set of controls in my bag and could plug them in and quickly take control of the aircraft at anytime if the auto system stopped working. This was of course before 9/11. I wouldn’t dare mention taking control of the aircraft now.

 

[Ailerongirl]

One day, going from ATL-FAY, the gate boarded a pax that in hindsight was questionable to fly since he had been in the bar prior to boarding. He was walking and talking just fine, so we all assumed that it would be okay. He sat down and promptly went to sleep. With only 5 people on board, the beverage service was quick, and I was sitting in my jumpseat when I saw this guy get up and head to the back of the plane. Since it was a smooth flight and he was stumbling pretty bad I jumped up to go see what he was doing. By the time I made it to the emergency exit in row 8, he'd stopped at row 9. I asked him if everything was okay, and I recieved no answer....I ducked into row 8 to peek around him, just in time to see a stream coming from mid-body right into the floor in front of the seat at row 10! I yelled, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!??!?!?" He turned around, and STILL PEEING, stuffed himself back in his pants, stuttering 'uhh..uhhh..errr..uhhh'. I pointed to 7A and said 'SIT DOWN', which he did, and then said "BUCKLE UP AND DON'T MOVE FOR THE REST OF THE FLIGHT...DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??" He buckled up, mumbled a yes, and promptly passed out.
My poor crew had a very irate me busting into the cockpit (pre 9/11) to say 'He F$$$ing peed!!!!!!!!' They of course thought it was hilarious, and when we landed in FAY we had the local police cart him off. We ended up having to ferry the flight back to ATL becasue it stunk so bad in the back!

 

[rk772]

I had a female friend who was an FO on a 1900. She was telling me about her first complaint from a passenger and showed me a copy of a letter written to her chief pilot from this angry person. He was mad because the “flight attendant” gave a couple of safety announcements before taxi and then went and sat in the cockpit and talked to the pilot for the rest of the flight. He said she never even offered him a drink and at one time he actually saw her flying the airplane and turning knobs on the instrument panel.

 

[belchfire]

1) Christmastime, 2000...as a new FO and
debating the virtues of hauling self-propelled
biohazards instead of ones that I had to load
into the aztec by myself I was stopped by a
couple that asked me "how much does it cost
to call flori(duh!) on that payphone?" I took
a bite of my pizza (fresh, not frozen,one of the
few virtues of passenger terminals over freight)
and told them "I don't know, I'd use my
cellphone." and walked off...(wondering when
Ma Bell employees started wearing stripes)...

2) STL, in the days before AA disembowled the
TWA system...J-32...about #27 for departure
on a filthy weather day...a tap on my shoulder
from the person in 1A and the usual "Are you
going to start the other engine?" "Yeah" says
I, "in about 40 minutes or so...gotta save fuel."

3) I did my usual "Everyone on this plane is going
to Laffaytte Indiana, right? Not Louisianna! We
are going to watch the Purdue Boilermakers, not
eat Crawfish Etuffe! There will be no Frog Gigging
where we are going, the ponds are frozen solid!"
(er, yeah, I'd been down this path before)...
I finish my briefing, strap in, the FO finishes the
paperwork and closes the door and someone says
to me "I think that those ladies think that we are
going to Louisianna." Sure as sh!t they were, and
they missed the last flight of the day to LA.

Lord, please let my fly planes full of pallets and
big containers! I fear what I will do if someone
ever belittles one of my female FO's...

Of course I forgot the one about New Year's eve,
when the Pax ran off the airplane in OWB and
started pounding on the terminal door to be let
in. Ramper walks over to the door and can't get
it unlocked till after the guy, standing right next
to the door and in front of the other pax, starts
wizzing on the juniper bushes! The beautiful thing
was that this ramper is an off duty cop! No New
Year's party for that guy, he was in the clink!

Hehehe!

 

[atrdriver]

I probably had one of these stories written about me. Before I started my flying career I was on a 1900 sitting over the right wing. About 30 minutes into the flight a panel on the inboard of the right engine started flapping pretty bad, so I thought I'd tell the pilots. I went up and knocked on the bulkhead, and the curtain opens and the FO askes me what I want. I told him about the panel, and he says that's normal. As I walked back to my seat I heard both pilots laughing about the dip$hit passenger. About 20 minutes later the panel flew off and I was looking into the side of the engine. I went back up and knocked again, and when the FO looked out at me I asked him if it was normal when the panels flew off. They didn't do a whole lot of laughing after that.

 

[crazee8]

Years ago when I was a J-32 captain, a female passenger came up to the cockpit and with a fairly desperate tone said, "Is there an airplane in this bathroom?" Without missing a beat I said, "No there's not." I figured it was an accurate enough description of the plane - even though she got the words turned around.

----------

Again as a J-32 captain: After a looong flight to White Plains, NY, I noticed a nasty smell emanating from the first two rows. I figured it was leftover smelly passengers. OH CONTRARE!!

A guy in jogging shorts managed to squeeze a couple perfectly formed, 6 inch logs out onto the seat and left them there just as pretty as you please in full view of everyone.

He also gifted the NY Vinnie rampers standing at the entry door with, as they descriptively yelled up to me in classic New Yorker accent: "Whew!!! That guy just blew a mean fart right in my face!"

----------

Years ago I was waiting for my commute flight out of Rochester. The gate beside me was used by Skyway (I think was the name of the airline) and they flew a 1900 if memory serves.

Well, the plane arrived at the gate and one 30ish year old couple waiting for departure time on that plane peered out those large glass windows at the plane.

The man portion of the couple had a complete apoplexy when he saw the plane and began YELLING at the top of his lungs. "What the he!! is that? Are they serious? I'm not getting on that thing - - I have rights. I have the right to not get on that plane - - I refuse to get on that plane. Are they f--king nuts? -- I have rights..."

5 minutes later after constant yelling, his wife managed him to get him to shut up by promising him he didn't have to get on the plane. It was pure entertainment for the rest of us passengers in the terminal.

-------

Oh! I have so much more!!

 

[Chicken Taco]

Had one a few months back that I gotta add..

We were boarding in BOS, and a pax comes out of the terminal with one of those big fold-in-half zip together garment bags with wheels and a handle that becomes kind of a rollaboard. Since it's an E145 with minimal overhead space and we're full, the FA tells him that he'll have to gate check it. At this point I'm in the galley getting coffee and hear some raised voices, so I peek out to see what's up. He's doing the "do you know who I am" speech, that he's Dr. so-and-so and he's a million-mile traveler who does this trip twice a week, and he's never had this sort of rude treatment before. Of course the pax always claims that this is the first FA to give him grief over his giant carryon, but it's usually BS..

I grab the pax list from the wall clip, and sure enough, he IS a Gold Medallion, SkyMiles Elite, paid-full-fare type. I really am not in the mood to throw somebody off, and I have a feeling that he knows better, and is maybe just having a bad day. I decide to see if I can help smooth things over, and step up to the door to join the conversation and try to calm him down.

He repeats the story of never having a bag problem before on however-many hundred segments before, and I immediately noticed two things:

1. There is no way this bag will fit, it's bigger than my PNT bag and pretty rigid looking.

2. It looks way too nice to be the bag used on his million-mile journey. It has no scuffs or dirt on it, is a very clean bright red, and the wheels still have the nice little mold lines around them.

me: Sir, i understand that you've never had a luggage problem before, and I just want to make sure that we don't have a problem today either, is that by chance a new bag?

him: Yeah, i just got it yeaterday, why?

me: Is it the same as your old bag?

him: No, the old one was a soft garment bag that rolled up in thirds like a tote bag and had a shoulder strap. I got tired of carrying it, and it didn't have enough room for what I carry.

me: So this is the first time that you've used this bag, and also the first time you've had a problem.

him (wheels starting to turn in his head): Umm...ahhhh.... yeah, but like I said, I've done this trip before with my old bag. oh, wait, yeah, I see the problem. I guess I should have thought of that. Sorry.

At this point he makes one of the most gracious apologies that i have ever heard to my FA, and proceeds to gete check the big red bag. I can't say that I ever remembered a pax actually backing down and doing the right thing, and I quietly complimented him on it and thanked him for not being a jerk. About three weeks later I get a copy of a letter to customer service complimenting my crew, and thanking us for not having him removed for being an @sshole.

I would have never believed it, but pax CAN be taught..

..CT

 

[Cardinal]

Briefing a bunch of pax in the mighty Beech:

Me: "In the unlikely event of an emergency, pull the red handle, the door will come inside, turn the exit and discard it out the window"

Idiot A: "You want me to do that now?"

Me: "No, in the unlikely event of an emergency"

Idiot A: "Oh, ok."

Idiot B: "But I don't get it"

Me: "What don't you get?"

Idiot B: "Does the exit have a parachute?"

Me, stifling laughter: "No."

Idiot B: "Then what's the point of having an exit back here?"

At that point I could no longer contain myself, so I tramped back to the cockpit. One want's to evacuate a fully functional aircraft, the other want's to exacuate in flight - I presume they're both still wondering.

 

[Typhoon1244]

I wish I could take credit for this story, but I can't.

A friend of mine is a captain on the Saab up north. One hot day, when ground air wasn't available, he had the passengers wait on the bus from the terminal until he had an engine running. What he didn't know was that the A/C wasn't working on the bus either...a real dammed-if-you-do/dammed-if-you-don't situation. Fortunately, only one passenger was irate about this situation, but she really came unglued once she got aboard. She called him every name in the book, berated his skills as a captain and a pilot, etc, etc. She was loud enough and abusive enough that my friend finally had her removed from the flight.

The next day he got pulled into the chief pilot's office. They wanted to know why he had thrown their parent company's V.P. of Human Resources off his airplane.

It turned into a conference call situation. Her boss told my friend not to worry about it...apparently he didn't like her either.

 

[Standby 1]

Overheard as pax were boarding (bottlenecking at the forward entry, as usual): A young lady peeks around the bulkhead down the aisle and loudly exclaims to her traveling companion, "Oh my g*d! This plane was built for midgets! They've got us on a f*cking circus plane!"
Betcha didn't know Wringling Bros, Barnum & Bailey owned an airline (we've known it for a while now).


...


Prior to boarding a flight down to Corpus, we hear that a blind woman would be boarding who was denied passage on the previous flight. Something about her service dog was involved. Feeling awful about this, we exact a promise from our FA to bend over backwards for this woman, comp everything for her, etc. Finally, they wheel this woman down the jetway in her wheel chair ----- she is dressed to the nines with a tiny Pomeranian in her lap. Yep, that was her "service dog."

We called ops and asked if a Pomeranian qualified as a service animal and were told that if the passenger says it is, then it is. Okey dokey. Next time a pax shows up with a seeing-eye horse, I'll load it right up.





..

 

[PlanetK]

alright, here's a funny one, may or may not be true. been circulating around WN forever.

older male pax boards flight and is greeted by a female flight attendant. the gentleman notices that there are two female pilots this day, and grumbles something about not liking the idea of two female pilots flying him. the f/a tells him not to worry, they're both competent professionals. the old guys doesn't give it a rest, and doesn't want broads in the cockpit. the f/a gives up on reason, and tells the man that it's no longer referred to as the COCKpit, but is now known as the BOX office.

this one gets much funnier after a few of those dollar beers!

 

[chperplt]

Next time a pax shows up with a seeing-eye horse, I'll load it right up.

You say that in gest but I have seen a service mini pony. It sat in first with me on a flight to CVG.

 

[atrdriver]

And don't forget the "service pig" from a few years ago. I think that was on US Air, but not sure about that.

 

[acaTerry]

I almost became a stupid passenger once. I had never even stood near a Fokker 100 before, and now I was riding one to Long Beach for a checkride...and I was beginning to wonder when the crew was going to configure the airplane for takeoff. The flaps were still up when they went to takeoff power, so I gritted my teeth and hoped everything would be fine.

Man, I did the same thing. I too kept quiet, but sure as he11 was scared!

 

[smellthejeta]

Service Animals

I don't know what if your FOM addresses the issue on service animals or not, but we were specifically told that *any* animal designated by a disabled passenger as a service animal in any capacity, that we were to accept it without question.

 

[Metro752]

I probably had one of these stories written about me. Before I started my flying career I was on a 1900 sitting over the right wing. About 30 minutes into the flight a panel on the inboard of the right engine started flapping pretty bad, so I thought I'd tell the pilots. I went up and knocked on the bulkhead, and the curtain opens and the FO askes me what I want. I told him about the panel, and he says that's normal. As I walked back to my seat I heard both pilots laughing about the dip$hit passenger. About 20 minutes later the panel flew off and I was looking into the side of the engine. I went back up and knocked again, and when the FO looked out at me I asked him if it was normal when the panels flew off. They didn't do a whole lot of laughing after that.

dipsh1ts

 

[Standby 1]

I don't know what if your FOM addresses the issue on service animals or not, but we were specifically told that *any* animal designated by a disabled passenger as a service animal in any capacity, that we were to accept it without question.

Our policy as well. The woman in question, however, only claimed to be blind in order for her lap dog to be allowed to sit in her lap for the flight. In other words, she knew how to work the system.




..

 

[matchthehatch]

Not necessarily a "moronic pax" story, but was comical nonetheless. I was deadheading on a company Dash 8 from PIT to BGM sitting in row 1. A 20-something male pax runs up to the lav (right behind the FO's seat) about 15 minutes out. The CA turns on the seat belt sign, and the FA gives the pax briefing. The dude pops his head out the lav to talk to the FA. She comes to me to ask me if I would take another empty seat. Turns out the guy shat himself, his pants, and the lav. He comes out of the lav about 2 minutes before landing with a blanket wrapped around his nether regions. Needless to say, he was the last to deplane.

Poor guy. He had just returned from a spring break trip from Mexico. Dam# that Montezcuma!

 

[Corona]

I made the mistake as a new regional FO of standing at the counter in AZ where the pax could see me. One weekend warrior came up to me and began a barrage of questions: Why is the flight to PHX delayed? What's the wx down there? What's the minimums on the VOR approach (guess his instructor may have mentioned those once). I told him that PHX got congested anytime there was wx within 100NM.

So he asks: Well, what if the wx goes below (whatever the minimums were for the VOR approach)?

I reply, not being a smart-ass: Well, then we'd use the ILS.

He says: They have an ILS? Why didn't you tell me that?

Me: Excuse me, I have to go do something.

Yep, imagine that folks: A major international airport with an ILS! What will they think of next?!

C

 

[getnverted]

We've all been mistaken for something other than pilots while in uniform, but this is my favorite thus far. I break down in TOL on the last day of a trip, so the company tells me to rent a car and we can drive home to FWA. Enroute we stop at a rest area to take a leak. Some guy stops me and asks where Kalamazoo is. I tell him it's in Michigan. He asks me how to get there, to which I tell him I don't know. He points at my outfit and says, "well don't you work here?" I tell him, "I apologize sir, but no, I am not a rest area attendent."

 

[FL000]

Prior to boarding a flight down to Corpus, we hear that a blind woman would be boarding who was denied passage on the previous flight. Something about her service dog was involved. Feeling awful about this, we exact a promise from our FA to bend over backwards for this woman, comp everything for her, etc. Finally, they wheel this woman down the jetway in her wheel chair ----- she is dressed to the nines with a tiny Pomeranian in her lap. Yep, that was her "service dog."

We called ops and asked if a Pomeranian qualified as a service animal and were told that if the passenger says it is, then it is. Okey dokey. Next time a pax shows up with a seeing-eye horse, I'll load it right up.

At least it wasn't this:

June 1, 2003.

Washington Post.

Don't complain if you find yourself seated next to a pig on your next flight. It may be a service pig providing emotional support to its owner. Under newly revised Department of Transportation guidelines, the pig might have just as much right to fly as you.

When rules were first written in 1966, a service animal was usually a guide dog. Now all kinds of animals serve a wide array of disabilities. Revised rules are intended in part to help airline personnel distinguish mentally healthy pretenders with pets from mentally ill passengers with emotional support animals.

There really are such things. Psychiatric service animals help people disabled by panic disorder, post-traumatic stress syndrome, depression and brain chemistry dysfunction, according to the International Association of Assistance Dog Partners. Its Web site explains, for example, that animals can arouse a person who has zoned out by tapping or nudging, can fetch meds and can create a comfort zone around people who panic in crowds.

New uses have opened the door to fraud, though. ``People have tried to bring on board rodents, ferrets, monkeys and snakes for emotional support,'' says David Berg, an attorney for the Air Transport Association, an airline trade group. In one case, a woman showed up for a cross-country flight with a 300-pound pot-bellied pig, claiming it was a service animal. The pig went berserk and tried to ram the cockpit.


Service animals fly free, although airlines may ask for documentation, such as a letter from a licensed mental health professional. Under the new rules, airlines are not required to carry on board ferrets, rodents, reptiles or spiders, no matter how emotionally supportive they may be. The Complete Guide to the Care and Training of Potbellied Pigs, by Kathleen Myers, recommends: ``Be sure your pig has gone to the bathroom before you begin your trip.''

 

[DashTrash400]

On the moronic pax w/ bogus service animals topic...

Last autumn I was doing an early morning Kalispell-Seattle flight, & the captain and I are chillin in the cockpit watching people walk across the ramp to the airplane...we see this strung-out looking chick with a golden retriever that's pretty much pulling her behind it, generally misbehaving...

The captain went back to see about the dog, sure nuff she said she needed it for emotional support & even had a doctor's note. CA sez, fine, but it needs to act like a trained service animal then, and sit down quietly under the seat. It took 20 minutes to get the **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED** thing to settle down. The captain was very close to kicking her off the airplane, but the gate agent was pushing for her to stay on, and the dog finally did settle down so the CA said he'd take her on the condition that she had to control the dog the whole flight, making sure it stayed under the seat. She was very apologetic and said she'd do her best.

So as I'm taking off, I could swear I hear barking. FA calls us out of 10k... turns out that as I rotated on takeoff, the dog jumped out of its row (2A), ran down the length of the aisle barking, ran back up, and jumped on a passenger in 5D and tried to lick him. This guy was an MVP Gold. Not only did the owner not restrain the dog, she was very defiant, saying he can sit wherever he wants to.

Captain seriously thought about turning around and dropping her ass at FCA. Instead we called ahead to SEA and arranged for Alaska Airlines to deny her boarding SEA-OAK. The CA personally went to the Oakland gate and told the AS CA what happened, ensuring she didn't get on the flight. Way to go, moron!

 

[Ill Mitch]

Back in 1998 or so, me and a bud ferried a Pitts Special from Livermore to Van Nuys. Since the cushions in those things suck to sit on for more than 3 seconds, we opted to use parachutes...plus we were gonna do some akro on the way down.
We get to Van Nuys, put the chutes in the chute bags and hop a ride over to Burbank to catch a SWA flight to OAK.
Well..we are sitting at the gate waiting to board when a gate agent comes up to me and very quietly asks if I would come with her. Sure thing. She leads me behind a little barrier thingy and asks me to open up the bag. She asks "What's this?" and I explain to her why me and my buddy have chutes. She found it acceptable and I proceeded back to my seat in the terminal.
My buddy asks "What was that all about?" I reply "They wanted to check the parachute".
A Lady sitting right next to him looks at us wide eyed and goes "Parachutes?" to which my friend..in all seriousness...replies "Yeah....they didn't give you one?"