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I'm Dead Meat (Explained)

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ShyFlyGuy

Major Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2002
Posts
540
Due to the overwhelming response and, no doubt, all the questions about the circumstances surrounding, I should like to explain the events leading to the situation I found myself in leading to my posting "Dead Meat."

I am a 135 pilot in a C-310R, flying mostly checks at night. Since I had the days open, I was working as a CFI, and when things started to slow down, I picked up a full-time load at Holy Cross College in Notre Dame, Indiana. In June of last year, I met a wonderful girl named Amy and before too long we were talking marriage. Between school, flying nights, flight instructing, my girlfriend, and trying to get a 4.0 (although only getting a 3.92), I didn't have much time for anything. Things were going well with Amy and I, although she wondered where I was going with school and us. I told her of my intentions to continue school for 3 more years and then get into politics which she lacked enthusasim for. She wanted to get married and start a family (as did I), but this all was putting a time-delay on that. She was pushing 30 and I'm 25, so there is a slight difference in age, and the associated panic to start a family.

Then there was this girl at school who took a liking to me. Although I didn't encourage her whatsoever, I did not shoot her down like I should have. She is unhappily married and a mother of two, and my best effort at shooting her down was telling her that I didn't touch married women. On Christmas break (2003), she wrote me a note wherein she confesses a "schoolgirl-like crush" on me, as well as a few other confessions such as wanting to grab me and kiss me. Needless to say, I was shocked, and I believed she was doing this because she liked to see me blush. I didn't take it serious, and stuffed the note away in my bag. One day, I left my bag at Amy's house and she, as always, went to hide a note in my bag for me to find later. She came upon this note and hit the roof. When she called me to confront me about the note, she was infuriated, but I told her to read the note carefully. The girl said that she wanted to do all these things to me, BUT I gave her "nothing to go on." I wasn't encouraging her, but Amy pointed out that I clearly hadn't discouraged her... and she was right. So I promised to resolve the issue and confront the girl, which I did, and she left me alone.

February proved to be a tough month, Amy was sad a lot and had mood-swings. She'd been suffering from insomnia since she was 15, and still got only 2-3 hours of sleep a night, if at all. She'd catch colds or run a temprature more that the average person, and was simply more emotional. I could go on and on about all the signs that I missed, but I don't have the time.

In mid-February, I took delivery of a C-152 to start a flying club and make a few extra bucks. Of course, not more than 2 weeks later, I was in a hurry for a 5:00am lesson after flying checks all night and I left the tow-bar on the nosewheel. The bill came to $9,600 for a prop and engine inspection. I'd helped Amy with her taxes and being persistant and somewhat creative, we got her $1500 back. She immediately offered $1000 to help with the plane, that was just her style, always giving, even though she had nothing. (FYI, insurance is paying for most of the bill)

Although I was frustrated with the way things were going with school, my plane, and Amy's emotions, I was more concerned with my personal situation (being unable to marry her because of my finances, school, and doubts I was having about Amy's dependence on me for self-worth). Amy was also having a hard time coming over to my parent's house because she wanted everything to go perfectly. She would get very nervous and uptight, and at one point, had a pannic attack. She also was a very jealous girlfriend, didn't like me hanging out with my lady friends, and even thought my relationship with my sister was "weird." With all that playing against us, I decided that we needed to seperate and have some time to ourselves. I was also having a bit of a personal low. Amy took the news very hard and refused to let me break things off. She said she wanted to be here for me, just like I had been for her when she was down and out. I insisted, and on Thursday, March 4th, I broke up with her. She continued to call, write, and come over to try to salvage our relationship, but to no avail. I needed this break.

On Saturday, March 6th, Amy had gone grocery shopping, got an oil change, and called a few superficial friends (who seemed too busy to talk), and told one that she had to go, but she'd call her back; she had to go to the hangar to do something, but she'd call back. She never did. I live in an office in the hangar and was gone for the weekend, but she went into my office, found my folder full of all the notes she'd ever written me, and parked the car inside the corporate-sized hanger with the folder sitting next to her. At some point, she took about 14 xanex anti-anxiety pills. She taped a garden hose to the tailpipe, taped it into the rear window on her Jeep and taped the window airtight, got inside, wrote me a goodbye note on the folder, hit play on the CD player with Sarah McLaughlin on, and started the car.

That following week was the worst week of my life. I miss her so badly, and I don't think that if she was alive I would have been able to go a month without her. Her problems could have been solved with a therapist, and our differences could have been worked out. She was my best friend, and my life has been so lonely without her here. I went to the funeral home the following Monday and had a private viewing, just Amy and I. She looked like sh!t. They had her makeup all wrong and she just looked old. I cried so long and hard, and I kept looking at her chest, expecting to see it rise and fall with her breath, but she never moved. I touched her hair, and held her hand, but it just didn't bring comfort. Dam, even now, I can't believe that she's gone. For the past six weeks, I keep feeling like she's on the other side of every door, just around the next corner, or standing right behind me. My brain knows that she's gone, but my heart wants to believe that she's just far enough away that I can't see her.

Anyhow, on Tuesday, March 9th, they had her viewing. I caught up with Amy's best friends from Truckee and we hugged and cried. We all went together to the viewing. It was great to meet the people who she'd talked so much about, and it felt like I'd known them for the past nine months. At the viewing, we stood out in the hallway talking to some of her other friends and then turned to go into the viewing. Her friends walked in, but at the doorway, an usher, a big guy, put his arm out on my chest and stopped me. "No way, huh-uh... I don't think so." I was not allowed in. I turned away, dumbfounded. I told one of her friends that I thought I was being kicked out when Amy's brother pulled me aside. He walked me down the hall quite a ways, away from the crowd, and told me that a few people in the family are holding me responsible for this. He and I had talked the night before and he warned me about this, and I know that he wasn't one of them, but I was just shocked and hurt. He told me that I could come back between viewings. I did, and it was a good thing that very few people were there, because I bawled. I cried up at the casket for 10-15 minutes, and I don't know who they were, but 4 or 5 people came up and tried comforting me (always bringing a handful of kleenex).

The next day was the funeral, and again, it was tough. I made more noise than I'd have liked with my running nose and muffled sobs. The rest of the week was a blur. Fortunately, that week was my spring break, and I didn't miss any school, and I tried returning when school resumed the following Monday.

On Wednesday, March 17th, the married girl who'd written me the note, got a phone call from her husband. He'd just gotten off the phone with "an annynomous caller" who told him that he was calling on behalf of Amy's family and asked if he was aware that his wife and I were having an affair. Clearly he hadn't, and he was dumbfounded. The caller went on explaining that he was just calling to gather information and that the family holds me responsible for Amy's death. They "had proof" that I was having an affair with this woman and they were going to "blindside" me, though I never touched the woman. I was going to end up floating in the river (where most murdered people turn up in this area) and that anyone around me is liable to be "hit with a stray bullet." The caller also stated that he wouldn't be surprised if Amy's mom (who is a florist) ended up doing the flowers for my funeral.

My greiving was stopped cold in its tracks and I went into a full defence mode. I started carrying my 9mm and a friend gave me a bulletproof vest which I started wearing religiously. Unfortunately, the more I dug, the more I realized that the caller had to have been a cop, or a friend of a cop, because of the detailed information he had. I was scared for my life, although I was determined not to let these bastards get to me. I stayed in school and tried my hardest to keep my focus, but I couldn't help but feel like I was going crazy. Very few people believed me, and my best friends started to think that I was making this up for attention, so I just quit talking to them. I told everyone I thought was having a hard time with this that I was just fine and everything was going well, but my stomach was in knots and I started writing goodbye notes to my family.

To Be Continued...
 
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...Continued

Finally, on Tuesday, March 30th, I snapped. I figured I knew who the guy was who'd made the call (incidentally, no subsequent calls were made, to my knowlege), and I went off to find him. Unfortunately, I didn't find him, but I talked to one of his colleagues and simply decided that I wasn't going to live scared anymore. I couldn't prove it was him, nor did he do anything illegal. He never directly threatened me directly, and if he was truly going to "blindside" me, there was no way I was going to stop him/them. That night, I finally slept well, for the first time since Amy'd died. I slept 12 hours, and missed school. I slept well for the next few nights, and finally caught up on the much-needed sleep.

It has been tough dealing with Amy's death, and my only therapy has been making a website, www.amykrueger.net. Amy's birthday was April 10th, and I went to upstate New York to get away. On my way back, I got the call from my boss about the base inspection and my medical being 1 month and 14 days overdue and that I'd flown 26 duty-days with a 3rd-class medical. That night, I made the original post, "I'm Dead Meat" and recieved an overwhelming response from everyone. I sincerely appreciate that.

Yesterday, the Feds sat down with the Owner/Dir. of Ops. They had decided, due to the extenuating circumstances, to write me some sort of letter of repremand which they will give me on Friday or Monday when I have a meeting with them. It will stay on my record for 24 months, and, provided I don't do it again, will dissappear. Thankfully, the company will not be fined, and I don't believe my Chief Pilot or Dir. of Ops. will get in any trouble.

That should close the book on the medical issue. I doubt I will ever have closure about Amy's death and the bastard who briefly took my sanity, but I just have to deal with these things one-day-at-a-time. Again, thank you all for everything.

Sincerely,

Jon
 
Jon, Consider taking some time off of flying to sort your life situation out. The tow bar incident was a warning and, fortunately, airplanes can be fixed. Good luck to you.

I re-read my post and wanted to add that you can fix your situation too. When I'm dwelling on something I go running or ride my bike to blow off steam. My family is praying for your health and well being. WC
 
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Jon

I have been trying to come up with some words of comfort and wisdom, however due to the scope of your situation, the only think I can say is, Take care of yourself first!

Glad the Feds were civil.
 
Well

Well.I can understand just where are you comming from.

It was march of 1999, when i got the call very late at night that my dad was beening taken to the hospital, he was not feeling well.He had always joked around with me , as too what i was suppose to do if i ever got a call like the one i just got.

So ,i put the plan into action, then met my brother at the emergency room, we stayed up all night till 10:00 am, i didn't go to work much during that time work 2 hrs spent the rest of time at the hospital, or the gym working out.

My dad later passed a way when i got the call i was standing in the line at the bank, they said they could not get a hold of my brother. I met y brother later and told him.

In june 99 my brother had lung cancer that january200 he died also, my whole famly is gone I'am all that is left, i don't fit in with my wifes family.

Then a month ago got fired from a worth less sales job selling uniforms . creditors calling all the with no job prospects , i picked my self up and started my landscaping business back up, i think garth brooks has said it best in the live verison of his song I'LL just go back to bar and every one can kiss my #$%^&*() cause i got friends in low places.

HAY IT IS TOUGH , TIE A KNOT AT THE END OF YOUR ROPE AND HANG ON ONLY ONE WAY TO THATS UP.
 
The lowest valleys in your life require your greatest efforts to live.

Find people who love you and support you.

Talk about this with them or someone.

Talk more if you need to.

The beach on Marco Island might be a good place to spend a day or two and walk and think (the water is a powerful aid to righting your emotional horizon).

Things may seem overwhelming now, but the beloved gift of time will help.

It won't eliminate, but change.

That change (even subtle) will give you strength.

Whether we admit it or not (depending on our current "valley" or "peak"), life is about putting one foot in front of the other and plowing forward.

If you do that, there will be great peaks and some deep valleys.

There's no way to avoid it.

Not you nor I.
 
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Sounds like you are STARTING to get back on track.

Only thing I can add is that while its great you are getting some good help from folks here - you never said that you were seeing a counselor for YOURSELF.

you NEED some professional, real help. It could be the difference between learning to live with this or spending YEARS going up and down.



:)
 
I am so sorry for everything that you have been through. Hang in there, life will get better for you. Don't alter your career plans and continue to punish yourself. You don't deserve that at all. What happened isn't your fault. It was a terrible tragedy that seemed to be in the making long before you came onto the seen. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Thanks for sharing this story, but candidly, the actions of someone fundamentally separate from you can not be considered your fault. You are not responsible for anyone's actions but your own... Those who have chosen to sacrifice themselves for whatever reason (candidly we've all had thoughts which we are not proud of) cannot manipulate other's lives, or else they have won.

Find a true goal and focus on that, then move on from there.
 
Sounds more like "chopped liver" than dead meat to me.

Unfortunately, the inner family found it easier to deal with their grief by blaming you than by facing their own short-comings and "what if's."

Threatening murder is not an effective way to deal with grief and that person needs serious professional help. That call can be grounds for going to the police, indirect or direct doesn't matter.

However, you are still alive and able to take one day at a time.

And yer also making some of us feel better, "man, I'm glad I only have x to deal with, look at that poor fellah." :eek:

Keep us posted.

Fly SAFE!
Jedi Nein
 
Your # 1 priority has got to be to take care of yourself.

As others have suggested, get some counseling to get some tools to deal with this, or it will come back to haunt you. That could be the difference between months of getting it together, or years running from it.

Best of luck. Remember, you have dozens of people on this board who really do care about your situation and can help in a crisis. In the long run, thouh, it will be you who will put your life in order, when the time is right.

Best Regards, and stay in touch. This, too, will pass.
 
Jon,

I know you are going through a tough time right now. However, as others have said, you cannot take the blame for what has happened. It was Amy's choice to do what she did. I am certain that there must have been things in her past that happened long before you came along.

Several years ago, I had a friend at my airline who decided to do the same thing that Amy did. I saw her on the employee bus about 2 days prior to her attempting suicide. She was way to happy for someone who had just separated from the person she loved. However, I did not take the time to really get into it with her as I had to get home to my son after a 4-day trip.

Later that weekend, she decided to put herself and her two kids in the car exactly as Amy did and tried to kill herself. She did not succeed. In fact, she ended up living and being tried for attempted murder of her two kids. She is now sitting in jail.

When people try or commit suicide, it is about a lot of pain that they are feeling inside and they see no other way to stop that pain. No one just has one problem that drives them to this point. It is usually cumulative over a period of many years. Low self esteem usually comes from years of some form of abuse. I suspect, especially with the reaction of her family (denial), that they just do not want to take responsibility for their part in this tragedy.

As others have said, take some time off, get some help to deal with this and move on with your life. I hope things get better for you.

Kathy
 
Jon, I don't know how you feel. I looked at the Web site, the words you wrote seemed like you are at the bottom of your barrel. What Amy did was selfish. Take some time for you. Talk to family and friends, look to some professional help. Amy made a perminate solution out of a temporary problem. Good luck to you.
 
I know a lot of people feel the same way, that this was a very selfish act. But if only you knew Amy, she was the furthest from selfish, she gave and gave until she had nothing else to give.

Prime example: She worked in Truckee and had this gorgeous winter coat, real expensive. When she moved here in mid-April, her friend's girlfriend (the first time she ever met Amy) said that she really liked her coat and always wanted one like that. Without thinking, she gave her coat to that girl, no questions asked. She had no "backup" coat, just a cardigan-type thing.

Maybe it's not the best example, but this girl just wasn't selfish. She loved more and harder than anyone I've ever known... that's why this was such a shock. This loving, caring, and generous woman commiting such a selfish act was so unlike her. I am not going to live my life meditating on the single selfish act that I've ever known her to commit and forget the life she led. She has been the epitome of what love truly is.

Ah, nevermind me... I'm just a little bummed this morning. Rough night.
 
Move,
Head to Alaska for a summer flying job or the west coast, Florida has tons of flying.
Get out of SouthBend for 6 month or a year. Out of sight Out of mind.

Best of luck to ya.

O
 
Right on to Othello. Move out of that area. I live in AZO and would love to get out, in fact I am soon.

AK, FL, CA......start the job search.
 
Outta Here

Jon,
I think your plan to head to China is a great idea. Not only will you get as far away from everything that's going on now as possible, you'll also get the opportunity to see a vastly different culture from our own. I say head to China, do some serious soul searching, and figure out where you want to take your life when you get back. If it's not in aviation, so be it, getting out of Indiana is the most important thing for you right now. Best of luck!

~plat~
 

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