Idiotic Radio Calls

[LR25]

One day at JAX, not long after 9/11..

"JAX APP CAP flight XYZ 15 miles out to pick our clearance"

"Roger CAP flight, I dont have anything on you, did you file a flight plan?"

"Yes, do you not have it?"

"Nothing here, you might want to call flight service, but I would make it fast becuase the F-15's are scrambling"

"Yes sir, we will go back to the airport and land!"

He wasnt kidding, the National Guard F-15's were just turning the engines as we pulled out onto the runway for takeoff.

 

[Be200pilot]

got this one from cleveland center last fall

center: King Air 1234 how do you read this transmiter?

Us: You seem a little weak

center: Yeah Ive been called that before but I'm sure you're no Chuck Yeager.

 

[DrewBlows]

Heard recently on the tower freq in Battle Creek, MI.

Background: Pfizer recently bought out Pharmacia and replaced Pharmacia's Citations with new EMB-135s. The crews getting checked out in the new airplanes had been doing pattern work at BTL and had pulled onto the ramp to switch crews when this conversation took place. It was the middle of the day with a full traffic pattern (mostly 172's).

TWR: Welcome to Battle Creek, you should come here more often.

EMB: Thanks, we used to be Citation 1UP and 2UP, we've gotten a little bigger.

TWR (without skipping a beat): Oh, it must be those little blue pills.

(Those who know what little blue pills Pfizer makes will find this funny, I think)

 

[8HourPilot]

CLE ATC:Mooney 404XX Caution wake turbulance Arriving ATR42 Runway 23L, youre cleared to land RWY 23R.

CLE ATC:Mooney 404XX I see you passed the ATR on Final.

CLE ATC: Jetlink 3214 Caution Wake Turbulance Arriving Mooney.

 

[8HourPilot]

We all cant count how many interesting radio calls that particualr tower contraooler has made over the years.

"How about another right 360"

 

[Skull-One]

Okay I'll bite... This one goes back to my flight instructing days.

I was in San Antonio for a year flying 152s and Grumman Cougars. Needless to say, when it is 112 degrees outside and you've been flying for nine hours....you aren't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

We're on final for the right side with a 737 hauling up our arse. I told the controller we could sidestep to the other side if it would help.

"I *SAID* 'CLEARED TO LAND, NINER *RIGHT*!'" the controller replied.

"Roger, cleared to land niner right, Cessna 12345."

I then proceeded to mutter to my student, "Gawd a m n what an a$$hole. I don't know what crawled up his a$$ and died, I was only trying to be helpful. Sheesh." *pause* "He didn't have to be such a d*ck about it." Long silence during which time I begin to suspect a stuck mike. I tried to gracefully exit. "Well...actually, he's just trying to do his job. He's not the d*ckhead, I am." *Click* (Sound of me unsticking mike.)

"Cessna 12345, you guys need to pay attention to your equipment. You've had a stuck mike for about thirty seconds."

WOOPS...............

Before switching to ground I managed to say, "Great job sir, previous comments notwithstanding."

D'OH! What a lunkhead.

 

[Skull-One]

Just recalled another one. I was in the tower at Stinson Field in San Antonio watching one of my students solo. Tower clears a 172 to land and we hear, "Skyhawk 12345 cleared to land. Okay, baby, he said you are cleared to land. Now, bring it on down nice and easy. Watch the sink rate....little more power. Keep it coming....looking good. Okay, now don't forget to flare. Come on, pull it up....more more more! BACK PRESSURE OH SH*T! <THUD!> G A W D A M N I T NOT LIKE THAT! D A M N I T you always do that!"

This went on for another 90 seconds until they figured out the issue... HEHEHEH. *PRICELESS.*

 

[OneTuffGuy]

found the following on a website...enjoy!!!


ALTERNATE AIRPORT: The area directly beyond the active runway when the engine quits on take off

ALTIMETER SETTING: The place where the altimeter sets. Usually hidden by the control column during a near-minimums instrument approach.

BANK: The folks who hold the mortgage on your aircraft.

BI-PLANE: What you'll say to your bird if flying costs keep going up

CARBURETOR ICE: Phrase used by pilots when explaining accident caused by fuel exhaustion.

"CLEAR": Warning shouted two seconds after hitting the starter button.

CONTROL TOWER: A small shack on stilts inhabited by government pensioners who can't hear. When they become blind, they are sent to centres.

CRITICAL ALTITUDE: Minus six feet.

CRITICAL ENGINE: That part of your airplane which used to be under the cowl, but is now in intensive care at the maintenance shop.

DEAD RECKONING: You reckon correctly, or you are.

DE-ICER: A device designed to operate under all weather conditions, except icing.

ENGINE FAILURE: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.

FIREWALL: Section of aircraft especially designed to allow all engine heat and smoke to fill the cockpit.

GLIDING DISTANCE: Half the distance from your present position to the nearest decent landing area at the time of complete power failure.

GROSS WEIGHT: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus an extra suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag, bowling ball, and diving weights.

HOLDING PATTERN: The term applied to the dogfight in progress over any radio facility serving a terminal airport.

RANGE: Five miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks have become filled with air.

WALKAROUND: What you do when waiting for weather to clear.

 

[SmackYourPappy]

"Cinci Tower, Blueridge 6983 checking in 18L and looking for a job!" A number of comments from Comair and Delta pilots in line for takeoff..............................................................! Tower Laughs

Aint that the truth.... hang in there bro- this is gonna be fun!

 

[BaronFR8Dog]

Otto, I fly single pilot freight at night and have been for two years. I have NEVER even come close to running out of fuel.

Fuel management is the most basic of piloting tasks. Anyone who can't do this should not be flying.

IMO, any one of these nitwits who run out of furel and land on highways or in fields should be revoked for two years minimum.

What's the old saying: The only time you can have too much fuel is when you're on fire!

 

[Skull-One]

Just remembered another one. I was in training when it happened at Comair Academy in Sanford. We were in the runup area and heard a very interesting conversation.

Pilot in thick Chinese accent: "Cessna 12345 stopfuqingaround."

<Silence>

Controller: "Who was that?"

Pilot: "Cessna 12345 stopfuqingaround!"

Controller: "WHAT?"

Pilot: "Cessna 12345 stop**fuqing**around!"

The instructor quickly jumped on the radio and saved the day.

The poor student was China East Airlines trainee and he was trying to say, "Cessna 12345, Sanford Ground."

It was priceless.........

 

[CitationLover]

just last week over CLT

CLT ATC: "Piedmont XXXX descend and maintain six thousand"

Piedmont XXXX: mumble

CLT ATC: "Piedmont XXXX descend and maintain six thousand"

Piedmont XXXX: mumble

Piedmont XXXX: "Sorry about that Charlotte, my partner's mike is up his nose, descend and maintain six thousand."


also any other CLT travellers love the "auctioneer"?

 

[upndsky]

Absolutely. It could be piss-poor weather with everyone going missed and asking for vectors he still sounds cheerfull!

How about "Nine-uuur" at RDU?

G'daaaaaaaaaayyyyyy

 

[SSDD]

Not as witty as the rest, but how about anybody who checks in by saying "checking in"... DUH!!!

 

[panampilot]

That's comparable to "with you". Obviously you wanker!

 

[Ace757]

I was flying down to the keys last week, and I was working with Miami Approach when some UAL pilot went through is whole shpiel about welcome aboard United, yada yada yada. Approach said im not ur cabin, check ur intercom next time

 

[climbhappy]

the clt controler we all love

citationlover,
\
\i believe he was a preachure before ATC......his takeoff clearances had the pitch, pace and rythm of a guy calling a horse race...am i right?

these guys brighten an otherwise mundane eight leg or whatever day....god Bless 'em!

 

[EMB145XR]

Flying into CLE a few years ago we were getting vectored for final into the flight path of a B757. I was just about to key the mic to ask what was going on when approach asked me if I had the 757 in sight. I said "Yes, he's right in front of me, can't miss him." A short pause followed by the controller saying, "well....... please do. You're also cleared for the visual." Anybody who flies into CLE may have heard that controller. He's known for witty phrases and always makes you smile. It's always fun when you've been vectored, slowed, step-descended and then handed off to a new controller. It's great when the "new" controller is this particular guy and his comment is always, "previous controller no factor, normal speed direct to the marker."

 

[great cornholio]

Heres some from my CFI days.
Citation landed and made like the 2nd turn off. Twr "Citation 12345 Now that everyones lunch is against your door taxi to the ramp with me"

On ATIS one day same controller "Remarks hazy all quardrents" (Summer day in the north east)

Cessna 12345 "Twr be advised flock of like 100 birds on final"
Twr "Roger...All aircraft be advised of birds on final"
Cessna 12345 "They are kinda hard to see thru the haze though"
Twr "Roger...Everyone watch out for hazy birds on final"

Twr with stuck mic "wow you guys are gonna be bad tonight...blah blah blah" Few sec later telephone rings " Blah Twr recorded line blah speaking. Yeah this is Blah from xxx FBO just wanted to let you know you have a stuck mic...OH..click"
Aircraft trying to get into class D "Uh tower cessna 12345 sorry to interrupt your phone call but we are inbound over the bends with Echo"

 

[newfo]

Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.

33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.

approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:

Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.

United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.

____________________________________________________

Apparently the loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was transmitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS.

LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"

Followed shortly afterward by:

ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Skull-One]

Heard a B-737 from Southwest once get slam dunked...from WAY up high. After they landed you could hear applause in the background.

TWR: "Southwest 592, Welcome to Earth."

SWA: "Thanks. What's that in the background?"

TWR: "Applause. There was a pool up here on whether or not you'd make it. I think some people won a lot of money."

___________

Same thing happened to us once a long time ago in BNA. TWR asked us if we could make it down from where we were (previous controller left us high).

"Sure we can make it."

When we were on short final....

"Chautauqua Space Shuttle, cleared to land."

It was cool.

_________

In San Antonio there is this chick controller with a really sexy voice. She always embellishes everything and signs off with, "SEE YA LAAAAAAAAATER!" or "GOODAYYYYYYYYYYY!" or "BUH-BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE."

The T-38s out of Randolph are call sign "Scary." She always talks to them with this spooky voice when they check on or off. "Scaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrry 36, contact departure, goodaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy."
_____________



I love these stories folks....keep them coming.

 

[FADECtoBLACK]

South Bend Approach: "Mesaba 3322 contact Kalamazoo approach 119.2"

Mesaba: "Over to the Zoo - 19.2 - Mesaba 3322"

The rhyme flowed so well I swear he had been rehearsing it all morning in anticipation.

 

[B190Captain]

Just remembered another one. I was in training when it happened at Comair Academy in Sanford. We were in the runup area and heard a very interesting conversation.

Pilot in thick Chinese accent: "Cessna 12345 stopfuqingaround."

<Silence>

Controller: "Who was that?"

Pilot: "Cessna 12345 stopfuqingaround!"

Controller: "WHAT?"

Pilot: "Cessna 12345 stop**fuqing**around!"

The instructor quickly jumped on the radio and saved the day.

The poor student was China East Airlines trainee and he was trying to say, "Cessna 12345, Sanford Ground."



It was priceless.........

Were those the same guys that made this transmission?

ATC: "Cessna 12345 Say intentions."

Cessna 12345: "My intention is to become an airline pilot."

 

[T-Gates]

Were those the same guys that made this transmission?

ATC: "Cessna 12345 Say intentions."

Cessna 12345: "My intention is to become an airline pilot."

I know this extreme dork that actually DID say that.......

--03M

 

[Frank Bama]

After a Cessna took off:

Tower: Hey Cessna N### is that a STOL airplane?

Cessna: No, we paid for it.

 

[inthepool]

Heard on Miami approach, from an Airbus behind a 172 at International:

MIA "Northwest 123, traffic ahead is a Cessna doing 110, I need the slowest you can give me on the approach."

NW 123 "Roger sir, Northwest 123 is dropping the anchor"

 

[fletch]

From the archives...

After a long night of driving freight in Texas, heard a metro driver check on with regional approach..Approach asked the guy if he had Dallas Love Field in sight, after a long pause the metro guy responds, "yup..in sight" Approach clears him for the visual approach at DAL, the metro makes a hard right turn, the wrong way, towards DFW, the contoller responds "MetroXXX, YOUR LOOKIN FOR LUV IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES"


I met that controller many years later while non reving he said he had been waiting years to use that line.

Keep em comming!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[FL000]

Keep em comming!

This may or may not be a misspelling

 

[fletch]

Ooops?

 

[FL000]

Don't worry, I left the spelling police a long time ago, unless it's relevant to the post. I just thought that one was amusing given the topic.