I need a hug...


Dec 4, 2001
Total Time
One commute too many here, and I have some venting to do in the form of advice for all: pilots, passengers and the press.

1. Act like a pro. I won't say what airline, but for the love all that is holy...if I ever see another crew playing tag in the jetway, I am going to schlap the krap outta you. That was pathetic.
2. Look like a pro. I know the blue Oakleys protect your eyes from the suns harmful rays in that Dash at 11,000 feet, but really...take off the blue Oakleys when you get in the terminal. It makes you look dumb. And lose the "No Fear" 1 & 1/2 inch lanyard too.
3. Keep the passengers informed. After a very nice flight with a nice landing, the pilots taxied around ORD 3, count 'em 3 times. Now you guys know how long that takes, and I see no excuse to not say a word to the pax, especially at ORD where they likely have tight connections, and the plane is full. Grand total of taxi: 39 minutes, and not a word from our fearless pilots.

1. Don't pretend you know the plane. On the approach in PHX, where the WX was a marginal Sky Clear, Visibilty 100,000 miles in light smog, the teeneager behind me was still wearing his headphones (no, I refuse to call them "earbuds"). The FA came running back as if the plane was on fire, and yells "QUICK! Take them off ! You'll interfere with our landing gear!". Puh-LEASE!
2. Don't overstep your bounds. If a pilot wishes to speak to the crew after the flight is over and all the other pax are gone, and presents proper credentials, don't play TSA agent. I was on a plane that was throwing sparks like crazy from the landing gear during the takeoff roll (i.e. they were not applying brakes) and wished to inform the crew, but the FA refused me to do this even though the flight was over, and I was the only pax on board. I figured it must have not been too big a deal since no fire occureed in the well, and as I was a first-timer on this particular type plane, I let it go. But I would have felt better hearing it from a pilot.

1. STFU. I am so tired of being wedged between a hippo and an elephant I could puke. Don't f-ing dare put your krap under my seat because there is not enough room for your hooves in front of you. And NO, YOU MAY NOT USE MY TRAY TABLE. If you can not lower yours b/c your belly is in the way...lose some weight!
2. STFU...again. After wedging yourself in your seat, don't turn to me and say "oooowww, these planes are so small". The problem is not the plane so small...it's you being TOO BIG! And pull your side-boobs back into your own seat please!
3. Wash. Before engaging in air travel, remember that you will be in a confined area with many people. In such a situation, dirty underwear, smelly butts, and general BO can be quite noticeable, even offensive. To remedy such an undesireable situation, stand beneath a source of running water. Next, find the object labeled "soap" and remove the packaging. Rub the soap between your wet hands until a foam forms. Spread the foam evenly upon your body, and rinse with water. Repeat as necessary. To enhance the effect of washing, apply generous amounts of anti-perspirant / deodorant and then travel freely.
4. Wear shoes. Place your grimy, smelly feet in shoes, not flip-flops. And keep them on. Man, how it ticks me off when you take your shoes off and put them on the armrest of the seat in front of you (where I am sitting), especially when your mushroom-covered tootsies actually touch my elbow! How about if I grab the back of your head, and push your nose right up my crack and let it go? Would you like that? I notice this is usually the offense of the "natural" people, the ones with back packs, parachute pants and whose hair looks like hemp rope. Well nature boy, hike next time instead of flying.
5. No, you do not get a movie, or a meal. Why? Because you are a tightwad, penny-pinching, uneducated, freeloading bum who is paying less for a ticket than people were 20 years ago. Yes, THAT is where customer service went....away with the ticket prices. Now drive your trailer back to Wal-Mart and buy some more flip-flops.

1. Quit lying. At least about pilot slaries. Do your homework and you will see that the average pilot makes far less than $138 an hour. And by the way...we do not get paid on the 40 hour week, so quit saying we make $450,000 a year!

I feel better now....
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Gulfstream 200

Database Expert
Jan 21, 2002
Total Time
I just want to know...who the helll is playing Tag in the jetways?

Let me guess...they 410 it dude and all have blogs about their aviation conquests?

I still have nightmares over the pictures of that Pinnacle tool in all the emergency gear...what was his name again?

:( .


Registered User
Nov 25, 2001
Total Time
Why don't you make up some stickers for each group. You can hand them out when you see an offense being commited.

Nothing like wondering what the heck that smell is and then look down to see your neighbors nasty feet... 5 hours with your face pushed in the window is a bit excessive! You would think after the 5th or 6th coughing fit they would get the picture.


Well-known member
Sep 7, 2002
Total Time
Great post! I think you hit the nail on the head on all points but you did forget the part about the 22 year old pilots with the gelled, spiky hair and long sideburns!! I saw a guy last week and I thought one of the Gotti kids got a job as an RJ FO! Lets face it, as the airlines are going down the tubes, so is the professionalism and the attitudes. It has become an absolute nightmare to fly as a passenger anymore....


How's your marmott?
Feb 21, 2002
Total Time
The next time someone asks why I want to stay in corporate aviation ... I'm going to give him a copy of that post. :eek:

(I still don't know how you guys do it.)

Rez O. Lewshun

Save the Profession
Jan 19, 2004
Total Time
Flic1 said:
Great post! Lets face it, as the airlines are going down the tubes, so is the professionalism and the attitudes. ....

OK... so lets take it to the next level.... sport bitchin' is one thing, but DOING something about it is another....

What defines professionalism and attitude? The wx? Paychecks? Advancement? (I'll be professional when they upgrade me) Does one wake up and say "I sure hope it is sunny outside, I want to be in a good mood today.

Or does one define their own code and stick to it?

Hint: it is ok to wonder from the flock and generate your own thoughts. At first it is a little scary, wondering what the rest of the flock will think about you. And if you can manage without the flock. But emancipation is a wonderful thing. Then something called Free Will happens.
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DMC driver
Jul 26, 2002
Total Time
Whew! Thanks for the laugh. You write like Dave Barry. Maybe you should write a humor column to supplement your meager pilot pittance. ;)


registered abuser
Feb 8, 2004
Total Time
It sucks to be weged in between the fatties, or old people who keep sneezing thier old folks plauge on you. Worse are the kids kicking the chair all the flight, whike there parents dont bother to teach them how to behave. I guess its all part of the human condition. And then there are the rare flights where you actuly get to sit next to someone interesting and/ or hot which is great.


Nov 4, 2003
Total Time
Doug Parker said:

Do you ever say anything to the offending beyotches ????


Hey, you shouldn't say "beyotches", that kind of talk is offensive to the chicks and broads.
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Well-known member
Feb 10, 2003
Total Time
My personal fav...wedged in 15B between two genetic lottery also-rans, earplugs in, questions answered (Are you a pilot? when I'm wearing epaulets, tie, nametag, and AirCrew ID) I drift off to sleep the sleep of the commuter, when suddenly...

BANG, my head is flying forward as if shot from a trebuchet. Turns out that fattie behind me in 16B, unable to stand under his own power, needs my seatback to lumber to full height. When the leverage is no longer required, he releases my setback, under tension. It flies forward, and upon reaching its forward stop, my head's inertia wrenches me out of slumber.