Diarrhea in a freighter?

[Lequip]

Wow, a 2 minute pee is very impressive. I don't know why, but when I really have to pee and have been holding it back for a while I always note the time on my watch when I start peeing. 1:20 is my record and I usually impress myself when I go over a minute.

 

[Foxcow]

Happiness is a dry fart!

lol I agree. I thought I was going to mess myself after doing some aerobatics. All the G's make me want to fart. I let it out nice and slow praying... My instructor asked me if I s**t my pants because it smelled so bad.

 

[Wankel7]

I heard a great story about a 727 passenger crew with a first officer that had been dry blasting his stench for a couple of days, going "Whooopppeee!" after each volley. The Captain had apparently had enough and decided it was time to show this guy who was in charge. During taxi out, his moment of opportunity came to devistate his adversary. After raising his right cheek off of his seat, the Captain commenced a long and deadly blast which would have been audible to all even down low at 350 KIAS in the 727. At this point, however, the revenge plot fell victim to an unfortunate failure of the Captain's primary check valve. The Captain and his crew, with the highest level of professionalism, completed the taxi out and takeoff in spite of the gut rot left festering in the Captain's crusties. Shortly after liftoff, acceleration and clean up, another clean up was attempted as the Captain left his chair for the forward lav. However, the attempt to bury the heavily soiled hazmat deep in the trash bin instead of perhaps attempting to flush it away proved to be a mistake. For the unsuspecting innocent first class passengers, it gave them all the evidence they needed to believe that first class was never what it used to be.....

That was great!

 

[Daveman]

Happiness is a dry fart!

So true. Still chuckling as I type this. And honesty is the best policy.

 

[Wankel7]

Be like..... "That's gonna itch when it dries!"

 

[FL000]

I flew into SHV last week. All of you "club" members must have been ahead of me on the approach. It stunk.

 

[PeanuckleCRJ]

I had to land one time in the Seminole...apparently orange juice plus chick fil a biscuits don't bode with me very well early in the morning. "Seminole 88K requesting to change destination to Valdosta...any chance for direct?" Hauled @$$ in the bathroom- kinda grunted in a "dude, there's about to be an O-ring failure if you say one more word to me" manner to the ramper...

You know it was a good time reigning on the great white throne when you come back feeling like you just slept for 12 hours.





Now on the other end of things:

Flew a part 91 charter op in a Saratoga to LZU in atlanta early one morning...woke up feeling a bit feverish and had a sore throat that morning, but continued on. Was a 530am show time or something like that. Dropped the passengers off- probably thought i was drunk or something with as out of it as i was feeling by that time, and blasted off back to TLH. About halfway down there, over Albany at 12,000...it hit. Thank goodness for the STEC-55X... Started feeling really cold, turned up the heat... uh oh, now im too hot..cold air cold air cold mmphhpmmmphh. It going the wrong way out the one way street. Dove back in between the club seats and grabbed the drink cooler. I opened it up, gave the cooler a good blasting, and enjoyed staring into a nice concoction of diet cokes, sprites, ice, and what used to be rice krispies, milk, and orange juice. Yummy!

Coupled up the autopilot on the ILS back into tallahassee..rolled in.. stumbled out of the plane, snuck into the bathroom and cleaned out the ice cooler.



Now, ask Flyf15 about him trying to blast the wings off of the seminole over southern alabama. I still think that thing caused a thunderstorm as well as probably taking a couple years off of my life.

 

[flydaddy0499]

I must jump in here.


I was flying right seat in a F-90 one day on a dead-head. The boss told me that the lav was not working and we should probably hit the little pilot's room before blasting off to TEB. I was OK for a while but somewhere around PXT VORTAC my bladder started giving me visions of Niagra Falls. Reminded of the fact that the lav was INOP, I ASSumed that the pee-tube was to be fully functional. Excusing myself from the right seat I proceeded to the rear open the floodgates in the pee-tube. Much to my chagrin the pee-tube quickly exceeded capacity and it slipped out of my hand to spray its contents all over the baggage area. I had to go back to front and explain to the boss what had happened. Thankfully, Millionair had a can of Resolve carpet cleaner and we had 2 hours until the pax showed up!

 

[singlespeed]

I had heard of a guy who was flying a King Air on a deadhead and had to bust one out. He was en-route to BFE when he went into labor. I call it labor because when the $hit pain hits it comes and goes like contractions getting closer and closer until birth. Well anyhoo this guy could not take it any longer and he went to the back for a little explosion $hit. You all know the type it explodes out and splatters all over. At the moment of truth his autopilot altitude hold kicked off and with the CG being aft the airplane pitched up to a climb. He climbed off the toilet pulled his way up to the controls pushed the aircraft back to his original altitude all with his pants around his ankles with the squirts. ATC was inquiring about the 1000’ climb and all he could say was “I had a runaway autopilot”

I have more stories to come.

 

[FlyChicaga]

Haha, great thread!

Fortunately I'm lucky that 150% of my flight time has been in airplanes with a lavatory. So I don't personally have a grumper story of my own doing. The closest I've come is when I opened a 20 oz. Coca-Cola at 9000 feet with one hand while another was on the yoke... couldn't react fast enough. Had a massive brown stain on my khakis for the next two FBO stops. Tried explaining to the cute girls behind the desk, but I'm sure they had a laugh as I left. Oh well.

This one happened to a captain buddy of mine at my former company. Coming in from a 1.5 hr leg, about 10 minutes from landing, FO flying. He's sweating his balls off trying to keep in a massive steamer. Finally, he just has to give it up and hand over the controls to keep his O-ring in check. So captain flies it in, taxis in quicky to the gate, and the FO is out the door practically before the props are done spinning. Bolts for the crew lounge lav (why not use the airplane? I have no idea). So, the captain shuts it all down, deplanes the passengers, and wanders inside to piss. Well he goes into the loo and the place absolutely reeks. So being the smart ass he is, he says "Dude, you smell like a f**king sewer!" From behind the closed stall door, one of our black rampers exclaims "Who you talkin' to muthaf**cker!!" And like that *poof*, the captain was gone.

Another time, two hour flight heading down south. Shootin' the breeze the captain about women, beer, sports, or somethin', when he gets this look of absolute fright on his face. I'm like "what's wrong?" He just hits the cabin call button. I'm a little confused at this point. Then he says, "Hey dude, I'll be right back." So he swaps out, and me and the F/A are just hanging out wondering what the heck is up. So he calls forward, and he swaps back up. I'm like, "What was that about?" He says, "Holy sh*t dude, I just farted and thought I shat myself!" I couldn't breath I was laughing so hard. The sense of relief on his face... priceless. I had to tell the F/A later when the flight was done... she goes, "yeah, I figured!"