Diarrhea in a freighter?

[gobigred1]

My dad once told me the worst thing about his transition from the DC-10 to the 767 was that when you farted, there was only two of you so you couldn't blame it on the other guy anymore.

 

[migio]

Guava!

Its hard stuff to find,but drink some guava juice if you dont want to blow mud up in the air! Ive used it before and it really works.I think its better then anything else out there.From what i hear,coconut juice does the opposite in case your constapated.<--spell it right? I gotta find some guava juice around here myself so i can stockpile it in my flight bag! Ya just never know when your gonna blow!

 

[DX Rick]

This wasn't in the air. But yesterday, after I tied the plane down, and headed inside...it was a mess. It hit me like a brick...no pun intended.
No warning, it was directly to the bathroom with no questions about it. If it happend 5 minutes earlier, it would have been ugly....plain oold stinky, and ugly.

 

[Daveman]

No warning, it was directly to the bathroom with no questions about it. If it happend 5 minutes earlier, it would have been ugly....plain oold stinky, and ugly.

So that was you.

 

[7dustfan]

I know a guy who is an CRJ FO who had to crap so bad coming in to land at ORD but waited patiently for everyone to deplane. He had to go so bad he couldn't wait to get inside the terminal so he made a slow post flight walk around waiting for the Capt and FA to deplane so he could use the lavatory on the plane. He said he'd meet them inside. But the Captain already shut the airplane down, for the 1 hour and fifteen minute turnaround, so he had to **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED** with no interior lighting in the lav and no flushing capabilities. He said he made a huge pile of **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED** and wads of TP and stunk up the RJ. He was so embarassed and worried about the pile he made and the smell that he fired up the APU and turned on the electrics so he could flush the evidence away. Sick story!!!!

 

[cforst513]

so who gets to empty the tanks?

seeing as i am but a modest non-pilot, i have a question. who empties the tanks after you empty your tanks? when you go to the bathroom in the on-board lav, who is in charge of emptying the holding tanks? is there a guy at airports who has that specific awful but probably well-paying job? or do the airlines/airports contract out to personal sanitation businesses?

by the way, this thread is hilarious! i hope to start flying really soon and you guys are giving me a lot of great ideas for emergency techniques!!

 

[Wankel7]

Yeah, I was a bit blocked up for a few days when I was a FO on the Shorts. And my Captain was like...well here try this stuff should get things moving again. I was like how long does it take to work? Oh, about four hours.

So, as it works in all of these stories about 30 minutes later I was doing a standing chair with my back against the wall sharting a kilo. It was very tramatic....at least we had a lot of trash bags!

Although, I have recieved some recent advice. Next time I should dump out the charts and line the chart bag with the trash bag. From what I hear it works really well! When you need to shart a kilo

And , "Punch a grumpy", is about the funniest thing I have heard !

 

[Texan Driver]

Welp...
I couldn't find the website where I got the fighterpilot crapping himself, but I am willing to email it out. PM with your email address and I can send it out. It is 1.61MB in file.

-J

 

[ATRCAPT]

I have a friend....

I knew a metro captain who dumped in his hat! I felt sorry for the FO. You sit pretty freakin' close in a metro!

 

[flydaddy0499]

My eyes! My eyes!

No wait, my nose! my nose!

 

[r1830]

A captain I flew with on the Dash 8 had to use the lavatory when he was on the ground at a small airport with no ground power or APU. The number 2 engine was running, but in feather the secondary bus is not powered which means no lights in the lav. He grabs the flashlight from the flight deck to use the facilities. Trying to do his business in the cramped lav and hang onto the flashlight at the same time proved to be difficult. The flashlight slipped out from underneath his arm and went through the flapper valve into the blue juice below. The funniest part is having to write it up a lost flashlight in the logbook so it could be replaced. And funnier still is when Maintenance went to retrieve it an hour and a half after it happened, the flashlight was still on and there was a blue glow coming from the inside the can.

 

[J32driver]

Cruising on my way to DEN, I heard this conversation on ARINC over the summer:

"UALXXXX request phone patch with SAM."
"This is SAM, go ahead."
UAL: "We are requesting a biohazard cleanup when we reach our destination"
SAM: "Can you state the nature of the hazard"
UAL: "Well.... (LONG PAUSE) We had a passenger that had a.... well.... an explosive defecation in the aircraft"
SAM: "okay... can you give us an idea of what needs to be cleaned so we can tell the crew"
UAL: "We need the front galley, the cockpit door, and the forward lavatory cleaned"


My FO and I were doubled over laughing at this exchange. It sounded like a sick passenger bolted for the lav only to find it occupied. So he did the next best thing. He dropped his droors and sprayed his A S S all over the front end of the airplane.

 

[J32driver]

Its happened to me twice.

First time was after a gigantic salad. Was fine for about 1 1/2 hours. Flew a short leg, started sweating when we made contact with approach control. Started shaking at the Outer Marker. I was the 1st person off the airplane and procedeed to WRECK the closest bathroom I could find.

Second time was after some spicy chicken from the local crash pad Chinese joint. Again, fine for about 1 1/2 hours. Loaded up the plane, signed the paperwork, shut the door, and then it hit me.... the sweats. Ok... maybe it'll pass. Its departure time. I gotta go.... d amnit.... in more ways THAN ONE. Jumped out of the seat, flung the cockpit door open, interrupted the FA in the middle of her safety demo and told her to open the door. She looked dumbounded, so I opened the door myself. I was off the airplane before the door hit the ground. Sprint in side... took the BIGGEST POWER DUMP of my entire life. Made it back to the airplane and we still pushed ontime. Couldn't have taken more than 3 minutes start to finish.

There are those that have, and those that will.

 

[Nick5600]

Heard of a pilot that was flying a convair 640 on frieght run for postal service form MEM to IND. After the juices starting flowing he was left in a panic for a place to put his product. The only thing around was a large postal service envelope. So he takes the Clevend Browns to the Super Bowl so to speak, All would have be great, but he forgot to seal the bottom of the envelope. I guess it was a hell of time cleaning everything up. My only question is did the contiue to send the mail envelope to the recipient.

And thats right I said Taking the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl.... Its about the only way they will go!

 

[pppilot]

This did not happen in a cockpit, but if it had I would have for sure hatched the turtles during low tide.

I was on my way to work today after running some errands during lunch, and the liquid luge team started heading down the tracks. I was frozen in my car seat, I didn't and sometimes couldn't shift the gears and/or brake, and I kept it in third and tried my hardest to make it all the way, approx 10 minutes to work. I could have stopped at one of the many gas stations, but dang I think I would rather load my pants than sit on one of those pee coated toilets (I have a phobia).

I get to work and parked the car. I had to sit still with my cheeks so tight I could form diamonds for about 3 minutes waiting for the pressure wave to end, it was my 4th wave, and any bodily movement would have been disastrous. It was 45 degrees out and I was sweating so hard it got in my eyes. I welcomed the discomfort in my eyes to distract from the intestinal pain and my chocolate starfish being threatened to be blown apart.

I finally started making my way to the bathroom, with the hunched over, knees locked shuffle, and yes one hand was on my stomach with the other swinging hard to try to get me some acceleration.

When I got into the stall I tried to put the "provided by management" seat covers down at the same time undoing my pants and belt. That dang luge team was now at a world record pace, as I quickly made the decision to forget the seat cover I frantically pulled my pants down while trying to get my rear to the hole.

And this is how it ended. Sad to say but the luge team derailed and got splattered all over the finishing wall. At least I did not unload in my pants, but the clean up was horrible...

pp

 

[freightdogfred]

Broke my ankle on a layover in EHBK (Maastricht,Holland) whilst drunkenly chasing a nubile young canadian wench in a local watering hole. To make a long sad story short, I wound up in the Zekenhuis (hospital) for a 7 day stay recuperating from the 6 screws and plate they installed in my limb to hold the bones together. In Holland, hard rolls,cheese and salami not only are lunch fare, but breakfast and dinner as well. After 6 days of bread and cheese, topped off with a 3 times daily needle full of Morphine (good stuff!) my starfish was plugged.... I hadn't shat for 6 days and I felt REALLY bad. (morphine will do that) I told the candy striper to get me 2 oranges, a pot of coffee, and some crutches. I ate the oranges, drank the coffee, and crutched on over to the bathroom, my roomates eyeing me with some suspicion, as I was a foreign devil to begin with and didn't speak Dutch. Well, I had an Epiphany sitting on that porcelain that day...I now know what women go thru whilst given birth. My roomates, alarmed at the noise emanating from within that cubicle had summoned the nurses (I guess I had shrieked at little while crowning..) That poor dutch plumbing was no match for 6 days of bruitboot and smeerkaas. Engineering had to be summoned as well, I guess that large black turd, hard as a piece of granite, was some kinda Dutch world record judging by all the talk and raised eyebrows I received. On the down side, they cut my Morphine ration in half, which required the Canadian girl to smuggle me in two beers a night, so I could sleep....

But that's another story.

 

[A1FlyBoy]

J32driver and 7dustfan - those stories were funny as hell! I'm STILL laughing!

Never - NEVER- eat a big salad or have Popeyes spicy chicken unless you have the time!

 

[acroflyr]

One day coming out of LAX in an EMB120, I had a FA that had some problems. We had just ate lunch at McDonalds, and the FA had an apple pie for dessert. Well we were boarding for the last leg of the day, and the FA said he was having some intestinal gymnastics going on. I told him to go inside and take care of it, but he thought he'd be OK. Boy was he wrong. We taxi out to the North side and it is way backed up. We must have been number 20 or so. The FA looked out the window and called up to the cockpit, "are we going to be a bit?" I said yeah, so he went to the back to take care of business. I heard the belts hit the bulkhead, and his fast paced steps to the aft lav. I swear 10 seconds later we could smell the most horrendous smell ever all the way up in the cockpit. My FO and I were going for the masks laughing our a$$'s off. After the download, the FA came back up front and called me, saying he was now ready for departure. I asked if he was sure? I never felt so bad for someone before in my life because now he had to sit down and face all 30 pax who all new that he just destroyed the Lav.

 

[RegionalWannabe]

Has anyone out ther heard the sound bite of the F-16 pilot over in Germany dropping a load in his suit? He was in the backseat of a two-holer and the conversation between him and the front seater is Hilarious...

If I find the link to where I got it from, I will post it.

I asked a coworker about this, he did some F-16 training in Germany several years ago. He did not know about this situation, but he did recall a puckered ahole caused f up that happened to a single seater. The pilot had to go really bad so he maneuvered in his seat to drop trou to relieve himself in a bag. Well the pilots seat was not in a good position for a self induced reverse flow enema so he adjusted his seat. During the seat adjustment a loose piece of equipment (unknown what the item was) got wedged against the control stick, and the F-16 started rolling violently and unable to gain control he had to punch out.
He didn't know if the pilot uncontrollably crapped himself during ejection or successfully became the first parachuter to drop a bomb (or drip bomblets).

This subject is great, nothing like a turd to make a grown man smile.

 

[Frank Towns]

When you're pushing VMO and you feel your colon blow.