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Cockpit Etiquette

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robair73

Smaller Massive Belly
Joined
Aug 2, 2002
Posts
67
So what's the cockpit etiquette on farting?

Do you just let them rip and open the gaspers to full blast in hopes he/she doesn't smell it?

Do you give a "heads up" announcement as a courtesy before you fart?

Do the rules change if you're flying with a woman instead of a man?

Are you more likely to try your hardest to hold it in if you're flying with a woman?
 
Per general order 38439.3c it's strictly a "don't ask don't tell" policy.
 
Immediately look to the other crew member and gasp, "was that you???" in an accusatory tone as you grab the O2 mask.

Knowledge of your systems will pay off in dividends here. How quickly can you route the smell either to the other side of the cockpit, or towards the unsuspecting passengers? If there are no passengers, is the olfactory onslaught worth depressurizing or just a slight tweak in cabin altitude? Will 100% do, or is emergency O2 needed?

Important questions for a gender neutral and smelly problem.
 
How about int the CRJ when the flight attendant thinks he/she is only fumigating the galley area but does not realize the air flows forward under and around the door?
 
Depends on the variety of gaseous emission. Most 'normal' farts don't stink that bad, so "Don't ask, don't tell" is applicable.

However, there are some farts that are so foul that they may induce gagging and possible unconsciousness. In this case it may be appropriate to give a subtle hint that you are about to evacuate an ornstein. My favorite is to casually reach over and don my O2 mask.

My experience is that female pilots suffer the same as male pilots the effects of eating at the Blue Burrito. I treat them the same as my male colleagues.

Fart on, bro.
 
For the guys- I always liked playing the game 'Guess what I had to eat last night'.

For the ladies- Apologies and deft use of the forward outflow valve.
 
Step 1: Adjust gasper outlet so that the airflow points directly toward the nose of the unsuspecting crew member.

Step 2: Wait. Patience is a virtue here. Allow the pressure to build and the aroma to mature, much like a fine champagne. Allowing time for additional putrification will pay off.

Step 3: Move seat back a few clicks. You will need the wiggle room when assuming the "positive pressure release position."

Step 4: The "positive pressure release position." Now lift one glut off of the seat approximately one inch in the direction of the gasper in step one. Lift the knee on the same side as if you are stretching a hamstring.

Step 5: Release the gasous burrito slowly. A slow release is preferable because it enhances the period of the noxious waves soon to be headed toward the target crew members olifactory sensors. If done correctly, this will result in the much sought after "secondary" and "tertiary gag reflex" from the target crew member.

Step 6: Enjoy the reaction. Be sure to note the exquisite nose wrinkling and eye watering evident in the victim. Next you will note an especially satisfying darting of the eyes as the evolutionary, low brain "flight" instinct takes over. If the target begins scratching at the windows in an attempt to escape, consider the maneuver performed to perfection.

Step 7: Laugh. Clean yourself up as necessary and prepare for a certian counter attack from the offended crew member.
 

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