Best crew departure briefings!!!

[Vne]

"604...804"
oops...thats an arivial brief departure would be "Heading Dejur to 5000"

 

[guitarflyer]

Standard left seat as previously discussted...any questions?

 

[Flying Illini]

"If we lose an engine we're not coming back here because I hate this place."

 

[Pickle]

Any problems we're not coming back into here, my car is not parked here. We will go to (whatever airport my car is at)

 

[bigD]

(A takeoff briefing. Directed at the engines of a twin Cessna)

"Okay you motherf*ckers, just stay running for two minutes. That's all I need. You hear me? TWO MINUTES. Okay we're ready, let's go."

 

[intrepdtrvlr]

Do what you're told, no one gets hurt.



The Big S, for standard.

 

[The_Russian]

check dis
$hit go down for we be fast
we be jamin the skids
after we be fast
we take it on da fly
don't do $hit till 400 ft
after dat, i be driving you be jiving
we bring her round we land her south side

Used it today. It improved my ability to operate the aircraft by more than 300%.

 

[pilotlbs]

Lol!

(A takeoff briefing. Directed at the engines of a twin Cessna)

"Okay you motherf*ckers, just stay running for two minutes. That's all I need. You hear me? TWO MINUTES. Okay we're ready, let's go."

That was funny as hell, I'll remember that on my checkride in the 402 hopefully next week

 

[User546]

(A takeoff briefing. Directed at the engines of a twin Cessna)

"Okay you motherf*ckers, just stay running for two minutes. That's all I need. You hear me? TWO MINUTES. Okay we're ready, let's go."

That thought crosses my mind everytime I'm getting ready to depart in the 421, but can't say I've ever verbalized it! That's some good stuff!

 

[TIS]

Said by a CA transitioning from the EMB-110 to the J31 a number of years ago:

"This airplane, that airport - I'll try to make it nice but this airplane SUCKS for that!!!"

 

[TIS]

New month briefing:

Three rules - you laugh at my jokes, you DO NOT laugh at my landings, and I absolutely will not get mad at you unless I mess up and you don't tell me about it.

 

[A1FlyBoy]

Daddy Is Just Trying To Stay Alive!!!

 

[AK737FO]

Any Questions?

Here are two that I found funny.

One guy says the same thing every time... as we take the runway he says, "well Fred, you may not hear this much at home, but you've got the power."

Another guy's response to "Any Questions?" is always a dead pan, "How do I look?"

 

[PHX767]

The first line trip with a CA who had 20+ years on the 727 and 75 hrs in the 767:


Write big.
Talk loud.
If you think I'm doing something wrong - I am.
Make this *&^% thing look like an HSI, will you sonny?

 

[Raskal]

"Alright pal, the FAA tells me I need a crash axe and a first officer on board this piece of sh!t and I don't plan on using either one of them."

 

[Jeff Helgeson]

That's the STL two-step

"604...804"
oops...thats an arivial brief departure would be "Heading Dejur to 5000"

Nice!

 

[FreightGod]

Overheard in a Braniff # 2 cockpit:

"I fly, you watch"

 

[minitour]

"Alright pal, the FAA tells me I need a crash axe and a first officer on board this piece of sh!t and I don't plan on using either one of them."

LMFAO

 

[amaineiac]

Takeoff briefing I heard while jumpseating on AA out of DFW.

After the usually runway, initial alt and heading stuff, the captain turned to the FO and said "and if we lose an engine and it looks like we aint gonna make it, we're takin' one for the team and heading for the headquarters building"

 

[atcloser]

a bit off topic but i had a pilot check in the frequency the other day saying:

"NY Approach, this is XXXX, we are doin' the CAMRN thing and have the news."

CAMRN thing = CAMRN4 Arrival into JFK, cross it at 11000 feet.

 

[User546]

"Alright pal, the FAA tells me I need a crash axe and a first officer on board this piece of sh!t and I don't plan on using either one of them."

Reminds me of a quote I read one time from an old crusty DC-3 captain flying back in the 40's.

"There was never a First Officer that I wouldn't have gladly traded 200 lbs of extra fuel for!"

 

[mar]

Just remembered another one

"Everything on my side of the panel is mine. And everything on your side of the panel, well, that's mine too."

 

[Ace-of-the-Base]

"If it's rusty don't move it - if it's red don't push it."

Ace

 

[AutoCars Armed]

wasn't a briefing but I saw an fo wearing a hat that said

"US Postal Shooting Team"

 

[Draginass]

Said just before pushing the power up for takeoff:

"You know, I wouldn't take this piece of sh*t into the air, except that the company said they'd fire me if I didn't."

 

[JediNein]

we're takin' one for the team and heading for the headquarters building"

I love it!


". . . and if the engine quits below 800', open the door and yell 'FORE!'" - Standard departure brief in a single at VNY departing 16R.

Another favorite:
PF turns to PNF: "Are you wearing briefs?"
PNF: "Wha...?"
PF starts takeoff: "You're briefed."

 

[urflyingme?!]

First Checkride at my up tight 141 school.

I satrt the check list. Check Airman yeslls "Is it running? THEN FLY!"

 

[wingnutt]

holy crap...i vote this funniest thread EVER

 

[say again]

What did you say??? All I heard was BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I'll do the briefing: it's complete!!

 

[jetexas]

"SALT!!!" -- 'Same As Last Time'
"Don't let me wake up and find you sleeping"
"If something happens, just clap your hands"..."why's that?"..."So, I'll know what you're up to over there while I try to fix the problem"