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You May Be A Redneck Pilot If......

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True Story

Did an Army instrument check in a UH-1H in 1982 with a very professional examiner. Had just gotten my helo ATP & had ambitions to move up in the profession (yeah, that was a long time ago) so was very conscientious to be instrument current & on top of the game.

My portion of the day's flying was from TYS to CHA. We had lunch & then it was the second pilot's turn in the barrel. We'll call him "Old Bill."

Old Bill was a Scout pilot. A real Scout pilot, still flying some of the same OH-6A's he'd ridden in Viet Nam years earlier. Now Old Bill could fly the pants off that OH-6, and for that matter just about anything with a cyclic & collective, including the Huey we were riding in--as long as we're talking "VFR." And, by VFR, I mean, like enough to see through the windshield.

But Old Bill's attitude toward this IFR stuff? Questionable at best. He did do it, though...once a year...on the checkride...like this day.

Rock steady on the takeoff, air taxi, and climb out, but then the examiner asks Bill to flip the hood down on his helmet. Thought we were gonna die. Had never experienced closer to helo aerobatics until that moment. We climbed out through multiple layers & multiple excursions from controlled flight until Old Bill got warmed up & managed to "level" at "5000" on the airway back to TYS.

As the examiner wiped the sweat from his brow and saw that Old Bill now had enough spare attention to direct to tasks other than S&L, which for the case at hand we'd have to define as +/- 500 feet, 30 knots, & 20 degrees, he tasked Bill with some position-fixing.

(In our aircraft this meant cross-tuning the single VOR receiver to establish a radial-radial fix and thus determining whether we were before, at, or beyond a given intersection. I myself had once previously had the opportunity to fly a Battalion Commander's bird equipped with DME and it made me think I had died and gone to Heaven.)

"OK, Bill," the examiner said, "where exactly are we?"

Without a moment's hesitation Bill flipped up the hood, squinted through the chin bubble at the broken layer below, and said, "Well, that's Etowah right down there!"
 
avbug said:
As a matter of fact, it is. A HGU-55/P in Kevlar. A little hot in the summer, but sylish, none the less. It used to match the airplane, then we repainted the airplane. Bummer.



That's not as funny as it may seem. A lot of us went years without an instrument rating, and without the need for a training wheel.



Not my fault. It's an accumulation of atrazine and 2,4-D. Agent Orange isn't just for breakfast, any more.



NAPA.



It's usually the gear and wing struts that get it. Only a dingbat hits the spar.

Who says the dogs have to be wild?

Or on a ranch?



I flew to Dead Cow International (interesting story) in Wichita some time back, and got a request to call the tower. I asked what tower, and was told the tower at the International (wichita). The tower controller wanted to know what I'd been doing in his airspace, I asked him what airspace, he said look on the map. I was, and there was no airspace. He asked the year of the chart. I believe it was 1948 or so. When I left home they gave me the chart and said stay left of the big highway, don't get too low, don't get above a thousand feet, you won't have any problems.

Apparently they update those charts from time to time...



What would be the point? If you never use them, they never wear out. Back in the day, our only radio in the airplane was a CB. It worked pretty good, too.



Did, and do. I used to be deathly afraid of flight above 500 feet.

It's hard to read the roadsigns from up there.



IFR checkpoints, too.

They work okay if the same trailer stays there, but in Kansas, they're marked on the map as "perennial" and "non-perennial," depending on weather they lie in regular tornado rut or not. It's the guys that keep changing the pattern of the tires on the roof that get me all cockeyed. It's hard to know if you're coming or going when it looks different each time.

I like watertowers and road signs, because at least they tell you where you are in plain english.



Cows, indians (they shoot back), armadillos, horses, packs of wild dogs (Chinle, AZ is bad for that), and joggers. And an occasional skunk. Once a bull that I chased off the first time around with a .45.



You think that's funny, don't you? Where else are you going to hang a lariat?

Amen Bro
 
avbug said:
Not my fault. It's an accumulation of atrazine and 2,4-D. Agent Orange isn't just for breakfast, any more.

Come on, dude....gimme a break! Agent Orange doesn't go well with anything but bacon and eggs! Everybody knows that! :D
 
if you turn base for runway 5 over the trailer park then final over home depot, and base for runway 31 over wal-mart...........
 
If you refer to flying in formation as "we got ourselves a convoy", you might be a redneck pilot.

If you've ever answered an ATC instruction using the term "10-4", you might be a redneck pilot.
 
Last edited:
You might be a redneck pilot if....

You might be a redneck pilot if....

This thread is taken personally.

Aholes!
 
Come on, dude....gimme a break! Agent Orange doesn't go well with anything but bacon and eggs! Everybody knows that!

No, that would be orange juice. Or napalm.

Agent Orange goes well with tuna fish, ham on rye, and any broadleaf plant. Think of it as salad dressing.


Aaah. Professionalism.

What I love is the atmosphere in many FBO's where those flying big equipment won't lower themselves to even speak to those flying little equipment. Many, many times I've seen it personally...watched pilots actually turn their noses up, literally, and walk away. It kills me.

Two such folks approached me when I was operating a 4Y years ago, and commented that they might like to try doing that work as a "hobby" when they retired shortly. One was a career military pilot and the other a retiring airline pilot. They were aghast when I told them they might just make the cut as entry level copilots, and might expect upgrade in ten years.

I wasn't kidding, but it was fun watching two guys who couldn't get enough of themselves and their "experience," realize that perhaps they were really just the same size as everybody else. Perhaps that does make me redneck...the honorable J Foxworthy notes that being a reneck denotes a glorious lack of sophistication. To that, I freely admit.
 
You might be a redneck pilot if
- You think a venturi is an air horn
 
You might be a redneck pilot if you put your cig out in your spitcan at FL190 at O-Dark-30 somewhere over the Midwest.
 
Redneck pilots

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front
of
her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on
how
much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch
this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-spangled Banner" are
"Gentlemen,
start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off
its
wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
the
House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against
it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
 
You might be a redneck pilot if:

-your weight and balance sheet includes "case of Bud"

-you have a deer strapped to the cowling from a good day uh huntin'

-your airplane is on blocks in the front yard

-you mow the grass and find the airplane on blocks

-duct tape fixes the problem
 
This is no joke...

Today I was leaving Sun N Fun in Lakeland, FL and there's a bunch of ultralights taking off right over us as we're walking to the car. I look up and see this one that has a 3 painted on the bottom of each wing and the middle as well as "The Intimidator" written on it! I grabbed for my camera but by the time I brought it out to take a pic it was gone. I couldn't help but think about this thread and....
WizardPilot said:
You might be a redneck Pilot if you have a giant number "8" painted with "BUD" on the nose.
 
You might be a redneck pilot if...

You only fly left traffic (hey, if it's good enough for NASCAR...)

You're royally ticked off at the FAA because they told you "N3" is taken.

You ever regularly flew a Jetstream from Charlotte to Huntington, WV (y'all know who you are...)
 

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