You May Be A Redneck Pilot If......

[avbug]

your headset is a helmet

As a matter of fact, it is. A HGU-55/P in Kevlar. A little hot in the summer, but sylish, none the less. It used to match the airplane, then we repainted the airplane. Bummer.

you think you need a nosewheel endorsement

That's not as funny as it may seem. A lot of us went years without an instrument rating, and without the need for a training wheel.

grass doesn't grow where you pee

Not my fault. It's an accumulation of atrazine and 2,4-D. Agent Orange isn't just for breakfast, any more.

If you're buying a new alternator for your 182, and the counter guy at Advance Auto Parts asks you what vehicle it's for.

NAPA.

If you have to be careful not to shoot your wing spar or propeller when you're out shooting wild dogs on your ranch.

It's usually the gear and wing struts that get it. Only a dingbat hits the spar.

Who says the dogs have to be wild?

Or on a ranch?

If the most current sectional on your plane expired in 1986.

I flew to Dead Cow International (interesting story) in Wichita some time back, and got a request to call the tower. I asked what tower, and was told the tower at the International (wichita). The tower controller wanted to know what I'd been doing in his airspace, I asked him what airspace, he said look on the map. I was, and there was no airspace. He asked the year of the chart. I believe it was 1948 or so. When I left home they gave me the chart and said stay left of the big highway, don't get too low, don't get above a thousand feet, you won't have any problems.

Apparently they update those charts from time to time...

If you don't know what some of the radios in your stack do, or even if they work or not.

What would be the point? If you never use them, they never wear out. Back in the day, our only radio in the airplane was a CB. It worked pretty good, too.

If you consider anything above 100 feet as "high altitude" flight.

Did, and do. I used to be deathly afraid of flight above 500 feet.

It's hard to read the roadsigns from up there.

You've used trailor parks as VFR checkpoints.

IFR checkpoints, too.

They work okay if the same trailer stays there, but in Kansas, they're marked on the map as "perennial" and "non-perennial," depending on weather they lie in regular tornado rut or not. It's the guys that keep changing the pattern of the tires on the roof that get me all cockeyed. It's hard to know if you're coming or going when it looks different each time.

I like watertowers and road signs, because at least they tell you where you are in plain english.

You have to do a low-pass to chase off the cows before landing.

Cows, indians (they shoot back), armadillos, horses, packs of wild dogs (Chinle, AZ is bad for that), and joggers. And an occasional skunk. Once a bull that I chased off the first time around with a .45.

You have a gun rack on the back window of your cessna.

You think that's funny, don't you? Where else are you going to hang a lariat?

 

[darkvw]

I like watertowers and road signs, because at least they tell you where you are in plain english.

yes, but where is "Seniors '79" at?

 

[88_MALIBU]

U might be a redneck pilot if you drive down the centerline of the
HWY in your FORD.

 

[Flechas]

-Approach Cessna 12345
-Go ahead
-I'm lost
-Cessna 12345, is there a town near you?
-Yes
-Ceassna 12345, do you see a water tank near you?
-Yes I do, Cessna 12345
-What does it say?
-Class of '79

 

[NewBlue]

"You may be a...........If the stall warning plays Dixie."

 

[onthebeach]

True Story

Did an Army instrument check in a UH-1H in 1982 with a very professional examiner. Had just gotten my helo ATP & had ambitions to move up in the profession (yeah, that was a long time ago) so was very conscientious to be instrument current & on top of the game.

My portion of the day's flying was from TYS to CHA. We had lunch & then it was the second pilot's turn in the barrel. We'll call him "Old Bill."

Old Bill was a Scout pilot. A real Scout pilot, still flying some of the same OH-6A's he'd ridden in Viet Nam years earlier. Now Old Bill could fly the pants off that OH-6, and for that matter just about anything with a cyclic & collective, including the Huey we were riding in--as long as we're talking "VFR." And, by VFR, I mean, like enough to see through the windshield.

But Old Bill's attitude toward this IFR stuff? Questionable at best. He did do it, though...once a year...on the checkride...like this day.

Rock steady on the takeoff, air taxi, and climb out, but then the examiner asks Bill to flip the hood down on his helmet. Thought we were gonna die. Had never experienced closer to helo aerobatics until that moment. We climbed out through multiple layers & multiple excursions from controlled flight until Old Bill got warmed up & managed to "level" at "5000" on the airway back to TYS.

As the examiner wiped the sweat from his brow and saw that Old Bill now had enough spare attention to direct to tasks other than S&L, which for the case at hand we'd have to define as +/- 500 feet, 30 knots, & 20 degrees, he tasked Bill with some position-fixing.

(In our aircraft this meant cross-tuning the single VOR receiver to establish a radial-radial fix and thus determining whether we were before, at, or beyond a given intersection. I myself had once previously had the opportunity to fly a Battalion Commander's bird equipped with DME and it made me think I had died and gone to Heaven.)

"OK, Bill," the examiner said, "where exactly are we?"

Without a moment's hesitation Bill flipped up the hood, squinted through the chin bubble at the broken layer below, and said, "Well, that's Etowah right down there!"

 

[BD King]

As a matter of fact, it is. A HGU-55/P in Kevlar. A little hot in the summer, but sylish, none the less. It used to match the airplane, then we repainted the airplane. Bummer.



That's not as funny as it may seem. A lot of us went years without an instrument rating, and without the need for a training wheel.



Not my fault. It's an accumulation of atrazine and 2,4-D. Agent Orange isn't just for breakfast, any more.



NAPA.



It's usually the gear and wing struts that get it. Only a dingbat hits the spar.

Who says the dogs have to be wild?

Or on a ranch?



I flew to Dead Cow International (interesting story) in Wichita some time back, and got a request to call the tower. I asked what tower, and was told the tower at the International (wichita). The tower controller wanted to know what I'd been doing in his airspace, I asked him what airspace, he said look on the map. I was, and there was no airspace. He asked the year of the chart. I believe it was 1948 or so. When I left home they gave me the chart and said stay left of the big highway, don't get too low, don't get above a thousand feet, you won't have any problems.

Apparently they update those charts from time to time...



What would be the point? If you never use them, they never wear out. Back in the day, our only radio in the airplane was a CB. It worked pretty good, too.



Did, and do. I used to be deathly afraid of flight above 500 feet.

It's hard to read the roadsigns from up there.



IFR checkpoints, too.

They work okay if the same trailer stays there, but in Kansas, they're marked on the map as "perennial" and "non-perennial," depending on weather they lie in regular tornado rut or not. It's the guys that keep changing the pattern of the tires on the roof that get me all cockeyed. It's hard to know if you're coming or going when it looks different each time.

I like watertowers and road signs, because at least they tell you where you are in plain english.



Cows, indians (they shoot back), armadillos, horses, packs of wild dogs (Chinle, AZ is bad for that), and joggers. And an occasional skunk. Once a bull that I chased off the first time around with a .45.



You think that's funny, don't you? Where else are you going to hang a lariat?

Amen Bro

 

[FracCapt]

Not my fault. It's an accumulation of atrazine and 2,4-D. Agent Orange isn't just for breakfast, any more.

Come on, dude....gimme a break! Agent Orange doesn't go well with anything but bacon and eggs! Everybody knows that!

 

[Lil Jon]

if you turn base for runway 5 over the trailer park then final over home depot, and base for runway 31 over wal-mart...........

 

[MJG]

If you refer to flying in formation as "we got ourselves a convoy", you might be a redneck pilot.

If you've ever answered an ATC instruction using the term "10-4", you might be a redneck pilot.