I thought this story was great - from the Continental Pilot Forums:
The last time I went through the Staff Line in London, they took the time to squirt a sample of each and every item in my ‘Liquids and Jells’ baggie on to a paper towel. Then they tested each sample for explosive residue. I’m not kidding! I just stood there shaking my head.
The trip before that, they took everything out of my FLIGHT BAG! Everything! I found stuff I haven’t seen in years. Pins, pencils, manuals, charts, flash light, absolutely everything. After inspecting each and every item, the agent placed everything in a tray. When they were done the agent didn’t say a thing, she just shoved the tray towards me. I was annoyed, so I told her, “You took it out; you can put it back”.
Wrong thing to say. She just started cramming all my crap back in the bag with total disregard, while staring at me the entire time.
I am constantly pulled aside for secondary screening IN THE CREW LINE in London.
Ten out of the last ten times, in fact. However, I think I know why. It all started several months ago.
You see, I’m recovering from a medical condition and I had a separate baggie with my prescription medicine in my luggage (all pills, in there original prescription bottles). During x-ray, they spotted my medicine baggie and I was pulled aside for a bag check. While rummaging through my suitcase, the security agent held up my baggie for all to see and spouted loudly for all to hear, “And what is this for?” My response; “Those pills keep me from asking stupid questions. Want some?”
Wrong thing to say (again). I was asked to step aside while they called their supervisor. When he arrived the agents’ spoke to him in private and then he came over to me and announced, for all to hear “We take security very seriously here, we will not tolerate disorderly conduct. I CAN HAVE YOU ARRESTED.”
I could see where this was going, so I did not reply. However, I did grab my phone and I took his picture. He looked at me with a surprised look on his face as I pretended to dial the phone. He was speechless. I continued the charade of the fake phone call by saying, “Hello, this is Captain Meyer, I just want you to know that you will have to cancel flight 5 today from London to Houston. I am being arrested at the security checkpoint.”
The supervisor had a look of terror on his face as he waved his hands, as if to ward off the impending doom (and paperwork). This was too easy, so I tweaked him a little further. “No, I didn’t. The charge? Disorderly conduct. Plus they don’t think I should have any medicine in my suitcase.”
At this point the supervisor is screaming into my phone, “He’s not under arrest, he can proceed to his flight!” I looked at him as I told my dead phone, “Well now he changed his mind. He says I can take my flight now, but I think I’m way too upset to fly. You’ll still have to cancel the flight.” “No, I don’t know his name, but I’ll send you his picture.” The room was like an E.F. Hutton commercial. Dead silence. Eyes wide open.
Then I said into my dead phone, “I’m sorry my decision is final.” And I hung up.
Looking up at the supervisor I said, “Do you mind if I go tell the passengers why their flight is canceled?" He just stood there in shock as I gathered my belongings and walked away.
The other two pilots were trying their best to keep a straight face. We all had a good laugh after we rounded the corner.
