Stupidest Aviation Question You Ever Got Asked/Heard

[Mmmmmm Burritos]

It wasn't 45 min, it was about 6-10 minutes barely under control. The vertical stabilizer of Japan Air Lines flight 123 broke off due to an explosive decrompression of the aft pressure bulkhead following a bad repair after a crack was found (I believe they traced it back to a tail scrape on a previous landing). 524 casualties. Go to airdisaster.com and search for "japan 747"

I don’t remember the details, but there was a 74 in china that flew for 45 min. with no vertical stabilizer, ended up crashing into a mountain, but flew for 45 min anyway. I don't remember why it decided to take the day off, and it wasnt the whole tail, just vert. stab.

 

[91er]

OK, there's a few questions I absolutley dread hearing, to the point that I don't even like telling people I'm a pilot. I'm sure you've all heard these

First question: "What airline do you fly for?"

Response: None. I release the safey.

Second Question: "How long would it take you to fly from ABC to XYZ?"

Response: I'm shifty at this point, but None. I privately scold myself for not memorizing the entire Bleeeping Global Data Center Flight Planning Data Base, but I remain calm. I pull back the hammer...

And GOD FORBID you ever admit (and explain) that you fly 135...

Third, (and Final) Question: How much would it cost me if you were to fly me from """""BOOOOOOM"""""". Obviously no response, since my brains are spattered all over the floor.

I normally tell people I'm a Shephard.

 

[FN FAL]

Stupidest Aviation Question You Ever Got Asked/Heard

Yea...I went to STP to pick up some charter passengers I had dropped off earlier in the week. They asked if I could bring this extra guy along with us for the ride back home...I didn't mind, because it fit the weight and balance. They said he worked with them at his company and it would save the company the cost of a rental car...hell, it makes sense to me, jump on board dude!

As I am being vectored for the downwind to one of MSN's runways (it's severe VFR), the fifth wheel leans forward and asks..."We can land at a commercial airport?"

I wanted to hit him for several reasons...one, these people's flight originated from MSN...so what's the freaking mystery?

Two, what the hell is a commercial airport?

Three, get your peanut and beer breath the hell out of my midst...can't you see I'm concentrating on flying this commercial airplane to dat commercial airport?

 

[Jeff Helgeson]

Falling leaf....

If you're talking about something like a 152/172, yeah you'd be a lawn dart.

no elevator authority...

........or so I'm told. Don't want to find out.

-mini

I think it would be more like a falling leave as oppossed to a lawn dart.

 

[Vector4fun]

About 17 years ago, a DC-9 Captain for a very troubled 121 carrier, (you senior guys do the math) called the Tracon to complain the fixes on the ILS were confusing because the DME to each was two miles greater than the actual distance to the runway....

 

[FlyChicaga]

About 17 years ago, a DC-9 Captain for a very troubled 121 carrier, (you senior guys do the math) called the Tracon to complain the fixes on the ILS were confusing because the DME to each was two miles greater than the actual distance to the runway....

What's scary is that I've had captains mention the exact same thing. Multiple occurances.

 

[AV80R]

...Question You Ever Got Asked/Heard

Several years ago a buddy of mine needed a line check so we were heading to ILM out of RDU in a Jetstream 32 (no cockpit door). As we were taxing out a lady in her 30’s came up to the cockpit and punched my buddy really hard on his back. Needless to say, she startled us both; my friend slammed on the brakes and we both turned around to face her and to see what the heck was going on. The lady yelled: “Do y’all even realize the propeller on the right side is not even turning?” My buddy looked at me then he looked at her again.

With a very calm voice he said: “Yes M’am we know that! Normally we use the left engine to fly to our destination and the right one to come back!” The lady said: “Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know that.” She then returned to her seat and went back to reading her magazine…


Man, that guy was hilarious; people were cracking up as soon as he’d walk into our crew room…

 

[FN FAL]

What's scary is that I've had captains mention the exact same thing. Multiple occurances.

hahaha...recently a coworker told me that the FAA told company we couldn't all use the same 'alternate' because the feds wouldn't like it if 10 airplanes flew to the 'alternate' at the same time because weather went below mins at the destination during approaches.

 

[Vector4fun]

10 airplanes flew to the 'alternate' at the same time

Assuming the alternate had an approach control, that would be different than a normal lunch hour how?

And this would occur when? 0200 hrs?

Shheeessshhhh, I could get 10 vans on the ground quicker than ten Boeings. You guys would land in formation if I let ya...

 

[Vector4fun]

nevermind.

 

[capt. megadeth]

I get this one at least once a week at my second job.

"You're an airline pilot? What are you doing here?
Don't pilots make a lot of money?"

 

[Goose Egg]

I heard this one from one of our new students: "Doesn't the guy doing the ATIS get tired of saying the same thing over and over for a whole hour?"

-Goose

 

[Weasil]

Me -"I am a pilot for xxx airlines"

Them-"So you actually FLY THE AIRPLANE?!?!"

Me-"No, i'm the pilot that passes out the drinks.....COME ON!

That would be a FO at Gulfstream on the b1900.

 

[low-n-slow]

Me, a long, long time ago..."Wow, I'm gonna be rich!"


An actual private pilot asked me how the propeller changed directions so quick while reversing.

This one gets asked often, 'Where do you put the chemicals, inside the wings?'

 

[stingray]

Back when I was a mechanic or Crew Chief in the Air Force On EC-135's. I was walking along with the F.O. on his walk around "pre-flight" as was the norm.
We get to the right main gear and he points to the air valve on the foward outside tire and asks
"What is that?"
I said are you serious.
Yea he said.
Thats where you put air in the tire dumbass, I mean sir.

 

[smellthejeta]

That would be a FO at Gulfstream on the b1900.

You said it first.

I had a guy come up to me on the ramp at a certified Part 139 airport (how's that for the definition of "commrecial"?) once and ask, "Are the pilots who fly these things in there (motioning to all the jets on the ramp and then pointing inside at the FBO)?

Me: Depends, why do you want to know?

Him: I need some time flying jets.

Me: What?

Him: I need about 100 hours of jet time. I'll fly for free, I just need to get the 100 hours.

Me: I gave him the lecture on what happens when you offer to do a job for free. It means you don't get paid, and if other people catch on, they'll offer to do a different job for free -- the one that you were trying to get qualified to get, notwithstadning the fact that you're attempting to take some guy's current job away from him.

Yeah, I told him to kiss off, and yeah it's a true story.

************

The other concerns a C172 driver at same airport. Call on the radio:

I need to know who fueled piston popper xxxx!

Me: I did why?

CSR: Pilot wants to make sure you put 100LL in his plane.

Me: Send him out here.

It was ten o'clock at night, so I looked at him and said, "Let me guess... You sumped your wing and you can't see the proper color?"

Him: Yes.

Me: I showed him how to tell the difference between Jet A and 100LL without looking at the color. I also showed him the J-Spout on a Jet A truck, you know the one that is about twice as large as a the fuel port on a 172. I told him that my fueler has a lot of patience if he fills a 172 with a J Spout

 

[minitour]

I heard this one from one of our new students: "Doesn't the guy doing the ATIS get tired of saying the same thing over and over for a whole hour?"

-Goose

"Here's yer sign"

 

[Snakum]

Reading the posts and Man! ... all the dumbazz things being said by pro pilots was kinda surprising.

The UberDork PPL with the Cessna Pilot license plate, pilot stickers all over his truck, crew tags on his Sporty's bag, his truck's sound system hooked up to a handheld transceiver so he can listen to GSO approach while driving around town, and who stands at parade rest while giving a safety briefing to his pax (all standing in line and roughly at attention) said this very authoritatively once to a group of civilians, students, and PPLs shortly after he'd gotten his own PPL and was studying for the IR ...

"Yeah, those Lears are pretty fast. They cruise right at the speed of sound or about 500 miles per hour."



Takes all kinds, I reckon.

Minh

 

[rchcfi]

Just last week we made a fuel stop at an airport that isn't very busy and was in the sticks. (But very near the west coast) This nice girl parked us and asked "So where ya headin'?" I reply "Oakland".....She says "Where's that?" When we go to pay for the fuel, my boss hands her a GM Mastercard. She says "Sorry we don't take GM cards here, we only take these" and points to the Mastercard sign!

 

[Kingairrick]

Background: I am 40 years old, have around 5000hrs, and work for a fortune 300 company.

My Mother: (while looking at the pictures of the Falcon 900EX I'm flying now) "Wow! could you fly me to KXXX?"

Me: No Mom. You can't imagine what that would cost."

My Mother: "Well, wouldn't it help you build up your hours?"

True story.

 

[Kream926]

I heard this one from one of our new students: "Doesn't the guy doing the ATIS get tired of saying the same thing over and over for a whole hour?"

-Goose

ahhhhhh haaaaa

we did a tour of TUL tower in my ATC ops class and some retard asked where the atis guy was....maybe the same kid

 

[ventus]

I like the engine falling off part, I have wondered about this before, I dont really mean to make another stupidest question ever, but say for some reason the engine did "fall off" on a piston single, would that throw your CG to far out to still be able to land?

...The pilot reported that he then realized that the engine had come off the airplane, but he was still able to maintain the nose down attitude and keep his speed up. The pilot further reported that he then attempted to move the elevator and rudder enough to see if they were responsive, which they were....

Full NTSB report at http://www.ntsb.gov/ntsb/brief.asp?ev_id=20040526X00672&key=1

 

[Swede]

My memory fails me... too many stupid questions over the years.

"Wow, look at all those buttons! (looking at vast CB bank) Do you know what they all do?" "Yup every single one. This one jettisons the right engine. This one injects knockout gas into the cabin in case of a terrorist attck. Etc"

Return leg of an all nighter. CP crew looking like death warmed-over, gulping gallons of coffee just to maintain consciousness. "Do you guys like the night shift? I know what it's like, because I work nights too." If they only knew.

More of a smart-a$$ comment than a question. We're running late, trying to connect to another aircraft which has been boarded. First class is full, of course, with pompous business men who MUST be at a billion-dollar meeting in 3 hours. Triple scotches all-around. One of them will inevitably shout "NICE OF YOU TO SHOW UP FOR WORK!!!" A-hole. If your meeting was that important, you should have been there yesterday.

Flying into New York... "What ocean is that?"

Flying into Chicago... "What ocean is that?"

They come from Flight attendants too. Moments after the Captain makes a PA announcing all pertinent data, <DING> <DING> "How much longer?" 5 minutes later "How much longer?" etc etc

 

[Crizz]

"So... when can you fly by yourself?"

 

[dayshift]

In ground school the instructor was explaining how a thundercloud holds over a million pounds of water, a student questioned, "well, how can it float?", classic look on the instructors face.

 

[EagleRJ]

An AMERICAN AIRLINES FIRST OFFICER looking over the flight release:

"I wonder what BRAF means? Maybe the Air Force is doing training at KXXX"



Passenger after climbing into the Saab and walking right past the 11-foot diameter carbon fiber propeller:

"Is this a jet?"



One of my students during his Private training:

"Can we buzz the tower, like in Top Gun?"

No, I didn't add an exclusion to his solo endorsement- I probably should have. His first solos were a little more nerve-wracking than most.

 

[TWA Dude]

At a family gathering, after informing my aunt of my decision to pursue a career in aviation, she responded, "So I guess your four years of college is going to waste?" The truly funny part is that it was a good question.

 

[MTpilot]

I am a Commercial pilot, it says so on my ticket!

Me: I'm a flight instructor.

Them: Why aren't you a commercial pilot?

Them: Why don't you fly for the airlines?

Them: Can you fly at night?

Them: Can you fly me to Cleveland?

Them: When will you get your jet rating?

 

[jetexas]

"When are you gonna get to fly the 'real' airplanes?"
"Is this a jet, or just a plane?"
"You must make a fabulous salary?" (grrrr)

 

[Brokepilot]

A buddy of mine had his prop fall off while in flight.

Anyways, funniest/ saddest over the radio " UHH Mooney XXXX are you going to put your gear down..... never mind."