Married and Commuting

[Yank McCobb]

Realistically speaking though a very strong majority of pilots commute. Why is that?

Because they are tired of moving every year at the whims of the company closing and opening domiciles, moving flying around the system or to different partners' systems, having to start over and over with different companies, etc...etc.

After a while they say "frak it" and decide they are going to live HERE and wherever the job is, it is. It is simply not practical (or even financially responsible) to continue to move every year or so.

 

[Bluto]

Doin time, lots of pilots (I wouldn't say a majority) commute for many reasons. One of the biggest reasons historically is because, with the fickle nature of this industry, companies go out of business, or close domiciles, or displace pilots, etc. Once you own a house, have kids in school, a spouse with a job, etc. it becomes much tougher to pick up and move at the whim of your company.

Dubya, I strongly recommend against commuting. It was very tough on my wife and me and I only did it for a few months from LAX to IAH. My wife has worked in the industry and knows exactly what I go through at work and it is still very tough. From what I'm told, it's much worse when the wife thinks you spend all day hanging out in 4-star hotels drinking margaritas by the pool. I have few friends that have had marriages fail due to the frustrations of this industry even without commuting. Bottom line, if I absolutely had to do it again to support my family, I would, temporarily, until we could sell the house and move. Otherwise, I'm done commuting. My wife and baby are too important to me.

 

[PropsR4Boats]

First of all long commutes are not practical, so if you can look for a job is an easy commute. I.e. don’t commute from LAX to IAH that’s 8-9 hours round trip! Second, has anyone every considered QOL over fast upgrades? (upgrades that get you where?) Check out employers with a commuter clause. Besides those guys usually pay better and have more days off. I think its well worth the extra couple months on reserve and one more year to upgrade to live where you want and not have to have a stroke if a flight is full.

 

[hbrow15]

everyones situation is different, but for me commuting is probably better on family life as strange as that sounds. I figured I would be away on four day trips wheter I lived in base or commuted so I would be away regardless. If we moved then we would have to sell my house but would not be able to afford a house in the area I'm based so we would be in an apartment paying more than I am for my house in Fl. Then my wife would have to leave her job and try to find another and start all over again with her career, then try to find a baby sitter or daycare that we trust instead of the family friend that watches them now along with both sets of grandparents and other various family. Since I commute my kids get to grow up around grandparents and other cousins thier age and the rest of the family instead of a strange city. My wife can drop of the kids and get some time to herself and sometimes if I have a long layover somewhere she comes out and spends that day with me on the companys dime. It does get old sometimes but for me its better than completely changing my families life.

 

[psysicx]

It depends on the person.I know a guy who commutes from HNL to DTW and flies for NWA.But usually his wife usually goes with him.He says its not to bad if you plan ahead.

 

[TIGV]

I commuted while married, did it for 4 years so she could do her thing in CVG after taking a voluntary LOA from Delta's FA Dept.
Commuting or missing a commute cost me my job, losing my job and the coin cost me my marriage although in retrospect it was highly likely that this may have happened anyway had commuting continued.

Kinda done with commuting and kinda done with the marriage thing, not sure If I'm done with the aviation thing, we'll see.

 

[acaTerry]

Commuting stinks, period. Marriage is more important than any job, and you find out pretty quickly if you married the right girl in this job. I am one of the lucky ones. Hope you are too.

 

[Sig]

Anyone with positive unsarcastic experiences?

Suck it up, Francis. What the title of this thread SHOULD have read is, "It is obvious to me that generally, commuting is a tremendous strain on a marriage and family. Please somebody make me feel better and not tell me anything negative?"

Look son, commuting can be he!!. It is a LOT easier for me to hop in the car and get to base in 28 minutes, rather than a two-leg commute in and out of a popular resort city. My commute from doorstep to doorstep was 13 hours- unless there was a delay or a missed connection (in PHL? NO WAY). Can't really commute in and out of a trip on the first and lasts, right? So tack on an additional TWO DAYS away from home per trip. Longest stretch away from DFW: 25 days. That was he!!.

If you have a supporting wife that can be away from you at length as you essentially choose to work away from home, you will have no problems. Be afraid for your marriage- but make that a source to keep working at it. Consider it worth fighting for.

Mine wasn't- we are still good friends but were never more than "dating." It wasn't meant to be, and we decided that before the airlines called.

Are YOU up for commuting? Don't forget to take care of yourself, Dub.

My advice: Don't commute.

 

[skydonkey]

there have been some good posts above....i have commuted for 3 years all that time while married. i have recently had a baby and it has gone from difficult to barely manageable. I have an amazing wife that is truly understanding. she knows that i love what i do. but it still puts a tremedous amount of pressure on us both. the commuting will need to end soon, as i can barely take it.
i am working on a situation that would require no commuting but the timing is not right with my company. also, it is hard to move when your wife makes more than you.

if you can....live in your base. just my thoughts.

 

[tarp]

Before the flying job, I had the wonderful opportunity to sit in Washington DC Beltway traffic for 3 hours every day (about a 90 minute commute one-way). I was the most irritable person on the planet ready to tear my steering wheel off on most days.

So, then I got a flying job and joined a regional.

First job entailed a 90 minute flying commute to get to my "base". Great, now I had to get up eight hours early for work, drive to the airport, wait for a seat to open up ( I had no access on company from my home to my base airports), kiss butt, take a seat and hopefully not invoke the commuter policy today.

So I went from a 90 minute ordeal to an almost four hour ordeal getting to work every day. Time to spare, go by air.

"Honey, I thought you dutied off at noon today?"
"Yes, I did."
"Then why is it 10:00pm and you're still not here?"
"Because the 4 planes I tried to catch were full and I finally got a chance connecting through Baltimore."
"When are you getting home?"
"I'll be in the bed in the morning when you wake up".
"OK, should I leave any food out for you?"
"No, I'm too tired to eat."
"Ok, good night, love you."
"Yeah, me too."

Now repeat that process with your wife planning dinner with company or going to the movies or wanting to go shopping, etc. She was expecting you at 5:00pm. You can't guarantee anything.

And that's how you take a little ant bite out of your marriage. Ever take a bite of an apple and throw it on your lawn? Those ants can make that thing disappear by morning.

Now what was the question again?

I am married to a saint - commuting got old in two years and I can't even imagine if I had done it for all 5 of my years before furlough. Oh yeah, airlines furlough you too - not good for marriage either.

 

[Capt. Caucasian]

I personally love commuting. Actually, I love where I live and hate where I am based. I commute from BHM to IAH and have not noticed a decline in quality of life since moving from Houston two years ago.

My wife and I lived in IAH for over three years and even owned a house. After a while we just could not stand the place anymore. We were far from family and friends plus Texans don't know how to make proper BBQ. Also, having to watch Auburn games on pay-per-view wasn't much fun either. Now that we are back in Alabama soon to move to Georgia we are much happier and our marriage is actually better.

I say, live where you want to live and a job is just a job.

 

[lowlycfi]

I've commuted for over 10 years and have been married for all of them. Never has caused a problem. Having a trusting, understanding wife with her own career helps. No kids yet, so I can't comment on that. I think your relationship will determine how commuting goes for you. Commuting is as hard and stressful as you make it. I try to do neither.

 

[ex j-41]

Well you all have seen my original post about MCO commuting......I just had 2 wonderful job opportunties which required extensive commuting, my wife has a very good Job here and is not about to leave...she was very supportive, I have done it before......It does make the heart grow fonder in many cases, in some it hurts the marrage badly...

I have spent the past week measuring and writing down all the pro's and con's of these jobs, the costs of crashpads, etc....The bottom line is one thing, Quality of your own Life and the lives of those that love you and depend on you for many intangable things everyday!.....

Once I boiled it all down, the bottom of the pot had my family and wife as the source of my quality of life, I work to live not live to work....I do love aviation, but I firmly believe its a young single persons job to hold...but at some point you wil get married and the kids, and you will want to be there for them, and for YOU...

Commuting is not ever an exact science, never will be and it got much worse for dispach folks like myself after 9-11.....no more flt deck rides like the good ol' days....nope...now It fighting airline employees, their families, tons of stand-by PAX, Seniority if it applies, and the the first come first served BS when the gare agents play the favorites.....Impossible, I just started buying real tickets but that will burn up any $$$ you just earned real fast...so what is the point....

I am over it, I have officially resigned from the airline field if it means commuting, I will seek what ever I can find locally in the field, or do something else....Family and God first folks, keep the priorities in focus, it is sure easy to loose sight.....good luck in the pursuit of happiness..

Ditto

I just turned down working at PSA.
One of the reasons was the commute. Other was the pay. More importantly
was that 9 days in my own bed a month is not enough. All these things
added up didn't make sense. I would love to fly for PSA, but as what was
said earlier. Live to Live not to work. What are your priorities in life?
My are easy:
1) My health
2) My Wife
3) My Career.

And no changing the order.

 

[Hugh Jorgan]

Anyone with positive unsarcastic experiences?

I had an exceptionally positive experience with a woman who's husband commuted.

 

[Hugh Jorgan]

http://www.bustedtees.com/product.php?name=bigmistake

 

[BoeingBaller]

Bring home 1900 a month first year with perdium (if your lucky).spend $300 on a crash pad another $500 a month in food at least 22 days on the road with 8 whole days at home.By the time you get back and forth with your 4 day trips starting at 6am and ending at 10 pm.Just think if you live in base you can be home for 10 mabey 12 days a month..YEAH!!!!!!Spend your life in some hotel in BFE 2200 miles from home.Good Luck have fun glad I'm done!!!!!

 

[Q400 Gear Bitch]

Like the previous posters all said. It all depends.

I used to commute from STL to SEA. I was home on average 26 hours a week.(about a day and some change). I changed jobs and now I still commute (I didnt when I changed....go figure) but I have a very easy commute.(SEA-PDX) Our company has a commuter policy which helps (I've never had to use it) and there is a flight every 1/2 hour(give or take) Even though it is an easy commute it still affects my quality of life. I have to leave the house 4 hours b4 my showtime. (If I lived where I workd it'd b 1/2 hour). So my advice, if you can avoid it.....DO IT. I'd gladly move to PDX, but my wife has a great job here, so for right now we're staying. Hope that helps.

 

[fletch717]

I have been a commuter for years, It has'nt affected my marriage one bit. If you want a 9to5 job where you are home every night, then don't get in this business. I have 14 to 16 days off a month as a junior captain, I commute 1 leg to ATL. Sometimes I have to go the night before. Commuting does'nt cause divorce, some women can't handle their husbands being gone every week for 3 and 4 days. That's the nature of the beast. I once told my wife that if she gave me the choice to give up avaition or she would leave, I would quit flying but we would eventually split up because I would resent her forever for taking that which I love away.

 

[BlackPilot628]

No problems with my commuting and wife life.
She knew the deal before we got married and we discussed it as well.
We dated all through college so we had plenty of time to discuss flying and commuting. My commute was a piece of cake when I was flying for Corpex and it should be fairly easy with CHQ. I'm in a little better position than some other people because I live in A major hub City. (CLT)
Just remember to talk it out with you spouse and come to some type of agreement; it should work out just fine.

 

[upndsky]

I'll add my name to the list of married pilots who hapilly commutes. I'm also lucky because my wife understands the nature of this business and sometimes looks forward to me hitting the road for a few days (that way she doesn't have to pick my underwear up off the floor all the time). She has a career and on most of the weekdays is involved in other activities (ie, Yoga, etc) after work. We love where we live and have friends and family nearby.

It also helps that we live near a big airport that has plenty of flights to my base, which is only an hour's flight away. I'm able to get about 15 days off per month and am fairly succesful in bidding or trading for trips that are commutable. I also manage to get at least one overnight a month at home.

The alternative is for us to move to EWR, CLE or IAH, where we don't know anyone, have no family support structure and couldn't afford to live there (IAH not withstanding). I also don't want to pack up and move to a city only to have my airline switch mainline partners and end up being at another base.

Now, if any of the above circumstances were different, or if I was flexible as to where I wanted to live, than I would probably consider moving to my base. But only you and your wife can decide that.

I will also say that if your wife hates you commuting because you're gone all the time, she's probably going to hate you being an airline pilot, and that's what causes marriages to fail, not the commuting part. Good luck with your decision.